Thanks Mike!

I just got this to day from Mike and I want to pass it on to all of you out there that keep me going!

I Slipped Up

I did something I haven;t done in months. I went on an eating binge then purged. I have been restricting for a while, but I became so stressed over more bad news I just lost control. I feel so guilty and ashamed of myself. Today is a new day so I will try to do better. I have a early morning surgery on my right eye. I am waiting for my ride to the hospital.l right now it will go fine. My left eye is great and I;m already seeing better.

Maybe I'm Not That Bad

I beginning to believe (just a little bit) maybe who I am is not all that bad. I have always had so much self hatred. I was never good enough. I was too fat, too ugly, not smart enough, and not worth loving. I still struggle with these lies. These are messages from my past. It takes a long time to "unlearn" these messages. The voices can some times be so loud I want to hurt myself or just end it all. The real trick is to hold on, one day at at a time until I can learn the truth. I want to believe someday I will no longer be uncomfortable with who I am. Healing can be slow, but I do believe it is worth the work. I know there are some things that will never change. I will always be bipolar and may be always struggle with food issues. I will try each day to think something positive about myself. It is a path to healing that I must choose.

Physical Pain

I have been in a lot of physical pain today. My auto immune disease is in full flare right now. I hurt with every movement. In spite of the pain I have been very thankful for the help of people in my life. The days I couldn't drive I had a friend bring me a couple of meals. Little things can mean so much to you when you can't "take care of business." We all need others in our lives. Some times I feel so alone since I have no family in the state. I have been sleeping alot, but I guess I really needed that. I am so thankful for all the encouragement I get from my blogging friends. My best friend doesn't understand why I blog. She also thinks it is dangerous, but I think it is a "life line". Sharing our hopes and are struggles we are bounded together.

Boxed Emotions

For the past few days I have been unable to deal with a flood of emotions I have been having. So as in the past I have "boxed" them up in my mind and not dealing with anything. I am afraid I can not handle what I am feeling, so if they are boxed away I won't have to deal with it right now. It is so hard to do anything . I guess I'm lucky this happen right now after my eye surgery, because I am just not functioning. I am afraid to feel anything right now.

Follow Up Appointment

There is still one place in my eye that may need some laser treatment later on. The type of cataracts I have are more difficult to treat than the "normal" kind. My vision on the eye chart had already improved 1 line so he is very hopeful. I see him again to check that eye one more time before they schedule surgery on the right eye. All in all I think things went well. Seems like there are a lot of eye drops. but seeing is well worth taking. all the drops! I'm a bit worried that I seem hungry all the time. Maybe that will go away soon. My weight was up a little bit this morning so I guess I really have to watch what I eat today. Thank you for all remembering me. I hawe to admit sometimes I'm a chicken at heart.

One Down and One To Go

I just got home from surgery. The doctor said all went well. I'm am still a little groggy. Half of my face is still numb. I think I'm go rest for awhile. Maybe I can get some rest now that it is over for another week until I have the other eye done. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.

What a Horrible Day!

Today has been horrible. I meet my new psychiatrist today and we had to go through all my history. He starting me on a new antidepressant, but said it could cause weight gain. I told him I would not take it if it does! He also started talking ECT. Again I said I will never do that again. The side effect were horrible. He kept asking me if I was "safe". I'm depressed. No I'm not going to be all cheerful in his office. Then he started talking about Chris' death. I lost it big time! Don't people get it? He was my son and I loved him with all my heart. Give me a break! He had read my chart before I saw him so he knew I was a basket case. He asked how my chronic pain played into my depression. When you hurt all the time you just aren't jumping with joy. "Do you have a gun in your house?" NO. Gee. Immediately after his appointment I saw my therapist. She told me to "watch it because I was getting too thin" Again since I was already crying she was "concerned" about my safety. Again we talked about Chris and how different my reaction was when I lost my mother. She reminded me that my mother was abusive and that I never really had a love bound with her. Talk about feeling like the scum of the earth. Everybody loves their mother. I guess I never got over some of the things she had done. She reminded me the only real love I have ever know in my life was my children. She also reminded me that the many times I had consider suicide the main reason I never killed myself was the love for my children. Yes I admit suicidal thoughts have been going through my mind the last few weeks, but I could NOT put Alice through losing her brother and mother all in the same year. Both my therapist and psychiatrist said they could understand why my faith in God was shaken, but admired me for still holding on. After crying for two hours in therapy, I had to go find out what time my surgery is tomorrow. I had to wait around that office for over an hour to get my eye marked and my surgery time. I guess I just tried to do too much in one day. My surgery time is 9:45 tomorrow please remember me and forgive me for all this ranting.

Confused

I really don't know what I'm feeling right now. Anxiety, confusion, and very unsure of myself. I see my new psychiatrist in about 2 hours and I'm not looking forward to that at all. I am really tired of being so messed up and just don't want to go through the whole thing again with another person. The depression has been bad. I try to act like I'm OK, because I think that is what is "expected" of me. Be strong. Be brave. I wonder if I'm getting better. I feel like I'm in a fog. I'm just stumbling through life right now. Maybe this guy will be OK. I have a hard time talking with men, so that's increaseing my anxiety. I'm letting him know up front I will never have ECT again, no matter how bad the depression is. I have to go to the eye doctor after the appointment to get the surgery time for tomorrow and my eye marked. Thank you all for being here with me. You have really help me and I do so appreciate it.

Touch

Touch and loving is something we all need. If we have been physically or sexually abuse as a child we don't know how to respond to touch. We don't know how to give love in this way. Our whole being cries out for it, but we are afraid of it. Trust is damaged. It can even effect our trust in a God who loves and cares for us. Each time we reach out there is fear. Will we be hurt again? I'm not "good enough" to deserve love of any kind. Damaged. I have noticed when someone wants to hug me I pull away. It is fear. Fear of being hurt again. We make it hard for people to get close. I know I'm working on this. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I want to be able to feel kindness and goodness. I want to know that I am OK.

Tried To Eat

I tried to eat some lunch today and it made me sick. It was shrimp and I was only able to take a couple of bites. What a waste of money $10 for two bites of shrimp and a diet coke. I thought if I ate something maybe I would feel better. Besides I was worried about having to weigh in at doctor's office Monday. I lost a few more pounds and I don't think he going to be too happy. Believe me I'm not skin and bones, but I have loss way too much weight too fast. You see once I started lossing I became obessed with it. You would think at my age I would know better. Controling my intake seemed like a better option than cutting myself, which I am really struggling with. I am so tired of being"sick". I just want to be normal and happy with who I am. I'm so tired of being depressed. It just sucks the life out of you. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Getting a Cold

I appear to be getting a cold. Sneezing, coughing and body aches. I called to see if that would make a difference about my surgery on Tuesday and the nurse said not to worry about it that everything should be OK. I'm really tired. I guess I'm just not sleeping that well. I meet my new psychiatrist Monday and also have a meeting with my therapist. Then surgery on my left eye Tuesday. I sure hope I'm feeling better soon. It is even painful to type. Have a great weekend everyone!

I Neeed This

This picture was sent to me a few minutes ago and I wanted to share it with all my friends that are also struggling.

Struggling

I was told I would have those days when I would really struggle with Chris' death. Even after things had been going along pretty good for a while. I know I'll never be completely over his loss. Days like today are almost unbearable. Everything in this house reminds me of him. If I could just hold him in my arms one more time and tell him how much I love him. I know my life is going on, but it just isn't the same without him. I need to go through some of his DVD'S and mail some to his sister. I know she would enjoy them, but not today. Since I can't stop crying, I guess I'll stop typing for now. Chris' best friend was the one on the right (Ken).

Today

My Autoimmune Disease must be really messed up right now. I'm in a lot of pain and very fatigue. I know my last lab work did not come back all that good. With my up coming eye surgeries they did not want to change too many of my medicine. Today turned out to be a busy day. I just can't do too may "busy" days in a row. I hoping for a good night sleep tonight. I found a mistake in my checking account. Both my old insurance and my new insurance have been deducting a payment,so I had to get that taken care of today. I had my eye appointment and was totally out of food so I had to go to the store. Someone from the church is dropping by shortly to see if he can fix a bad place in my deck. Well another day almost done.

I'm Exhausted!

I didn't sleep well last night and today was my day to volunteer at SPCA. I only help out 4-5 hours in the office but that is exhausting to me. I did spend some time in the cat room. One jumped up on my back all the way by my neck. I didn't think I was going to get that little fellow off me. I really needed to go to Wal Mart , but that will have to wait until tomorrow. I get fitted for my lenses tomorrow. They have to do an A scan and that will take about 40 minutes or so.

Abuse or Curse?

Did abuse or is my family just cursed cause all the problems? My sister E has had two cancer surgeries. Her son is now in prison for "three strikes your out"rule for petty drug use. Alcoholism runs in my family. My brother E struggles with alcoholism and had a twenty one year old son commit suicide. My youngest brother W a recovering alcoholic is sickly also. He has an autistic son and another child that was sexual molested. What did mental illness and abuse have to do with how this family turned out? My sister's son like myself is bipolar. You have heard my story from childhood abuse, mental illness, loss of health,marriage to an abusive pedophile,my daughter's abuse ,and the loss of my own son. I still feel guilty over Chris' death.Like I was somehow to blame. I'm very tired. I have never turned a way from what ever has come up, but I'm beginning to wear down. I keep holding on. God please hold me up, because I can not go on in my own strength.

In loving memory of those whose lives were forever changed on 9/11.

Unsure

I'm feeling so unsure of myself the last few days. I'm afraid to make a move right or left. I don't have a plan. Even in the worst of times I have had a plan, but right now I just don't know what to do next. Therapy doesn't seem to be helping. Don't get me wrong I'm very glad my therapist was there for me when Chris died,but I don't seem to be able to put in words what is going on in my mind. I know I'm withdrawing more and more. I can't seem to take care of business. I'm just not functioning. I just don't know what to do. The painting above I make a few years ago. It showed that in the worst of life's storms there was always a light. I just can not find it right now!

Suicide Prevention Day

So many lives are loss each day to suicide. My family has experienced what suicide of a love one can do. Many of us suffer from depression and other mental illnesses. We need to hold each other up. I myself have attempted suicide and totally believe no matter how bad things seem, life is a much better option. Love and support someone today. The National Suicide Prevention number is posted on my side bar if you are ever feeling that is the only answer. I have called there myself and they will find you help.

This and That

I want to apologize for not getting around to everyone blog or even posting myself. I am having a real hard time seeing the computer. Also please forgive any typos.

I saw my therapist today and she is very concerned that I'm not getting enough nutrition. I on the other hand was very happy because the pair of jeans I had to buy today were 4 sizes smaller than what I wore at this time last year. She feels my grief with Chris is getting a little better, but did not feel like I was well enough to deal with the sexual abuse issue. She warned me that the holidays were going to be really rough. Like tell me something I don't know.

I will be glad to get this eye surgery done because it is really getting scary how fast my vision is going down hill. I can hardly see the computer and can no longer see street signs. I live alone so I have got to be able to get around!

It Night Time Again.

It is night time again and I'm wide awake. I guess the truth is I'm afraid of night time. Most of the bad things that ever happen to me happened at night, or at least before the dawn of morning. My friend says having a gun at her bedside makes her feel safe. Can't you just see that? A severely depressed bipolar with a gun. I won't even keep sharp objects in my house because I do not trust myself. I long to feel safe, but have yet to find a way to do this. You see Chris even died before dawn. I hate night. That is when all the abuse took place. At least that is what I remember. The words of a song that was going through my head was "Count your blessing inside of sheep". I try so hard,yet I feel like such a failure. I wish I could just relax and sleep at night, Fear and anxiety are terrible things. The drugs they have given me in the past only make me sleepy the next day and I still have trouble at night. I will mess around on my computer a bit longer then try again to go to sleep.

Happy Labor Day

Happy Labor Day everyone. Hope you have had a good day. I've been a slug today. No energy. I guess I needed the rest. There is a nice cool breeze outside. I pulled a few more weeds today, but my heart wasn't in it. I discovered a place on my deck that I'm going to have to get fixed. UGH more money. I got to talk to my "baby" brother late last night. We are the emotional ones in the family. It was sure good to hear his voice. This is going to be a busy month with a lot of doctor appointments. I think that is all I'll be doing is running from one doctor to another. Again I hope everyone had a great Labor Day!

Enough Is Enough

Enough is enough! I have had my share of bad things happen. I've seen sexual abuse destroy both mine and my daughter lives. I believe evil is a very real thing, but I therefore believe that the opposite must also be true. It is a battle. My trust has been severely damaged, but I must not give up. I hurt emotionally and physically almost everyday of my life. We need each other. We need to be able to say I care about you. I miss Chris terribly.I don't know why he was taken so young with so much to live for. I so gladly would have given my life for him. I don't know if I will ever understand why things have been like they have. I do believe with the help of God I can over come. I have to hold on to this. I wish I had never married my ex husband. If I had only know he was a pedophile. I would have saved Alice from a lot of pain. I am glad he is in prison serving 50 years for what he has done. Maybe some think I am wrong and unforgiving. He has hurt so many including my own children. My step dad never served a day for what he did, but he died early. Maybe that was his just reward. Maybe I am bitter. I do not mean to be. I'm just so sad most of the time. I believe people can heal with therapy and God's help. It is sometimes much slower than we want. I have had enough for me and my family. It is time for something good to happen and I'm going to do as much as I can to make that true.

No Whining Today

I promised myself I would do a post without whining. I've been up and done a little more this morning. I have cut down some weeds. Took my ex sister in law to pick up a rental car and went to visit Chris, I've worked a little bit on picking up the house. My daughter spirits where better last night when I talked to her. I'm still concerned she is being used by these people that promised her a truck. She got a new game on line to play. Her computer is her life line since she has such difficulty walking. I am suppose to go with my sister in law tonight to listen to some gospel music. I really enjoy music and this should be a good break. I meet my new neighbor and he seems really nice. I have not meet his wife yet because they are not totally moved in. That lot has been vacant for almost a year. He told me they had two dog so they would be putting up a fence. Well that has been my day thus far. See I can actually post without whining!

Over Whelming Loneliness

I'm having trouble sleeping tonight and I am filled with a over whelming sense of loneliness. I feel so alone although I know this is not really true. Maybe it's the empty house. The loss of laughter here. Tears are streaming down my cheeks as I try to type what I am feeling. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the night. I will try to cuddle my blanket and pretend all is well. I must learn how to comfort myself, but it is so hard to do. I have tried praying. Remembering kind acts, but still I feel so alone. I'm so lonely it actually cause pain in my chest. I will try again to find a peaceful place in my mind and try to go to sleep.

Scary

It's really scary how fast my vision is decreasing. I found today I can no longer read street signs until I'm right on top of them and still sometimes I can not read them even then. My surgery is set up for the first eye on Sept 21 and the second eye on Sept 28. I hope I can still see by that time. I just got home from the SPCA. They had this one cat there that really had an attitude when it was with the rest of the cats, but it was as sweet as can be when it was allowed out of the cat room by himself. The little dog that they say is not adoptable because he snaps at people is starting to get to know me and let me pet him today. I really do enjoy the animals. My cats can always tell when I've been around the other animals. I'm having trouble eating again. I guess when I have a lot going on I just have those "old" problems again. I saw a friend that I had not seen since Chris' memorial service and she barley recognized me because of how much weight I've lost. Funny thing is I still want to lose more. My best friend is gripping at me because she know me and my food issues too well. On the bright side a friend of mine gave me a beautiful framed 8x10 of Chris' with some of his friends. It really meant a lot to me.

Mood Is Unsable

I don't usually blog twice in one day, but my mood is all over the place. I'm crying and I feel like throwing stuff. I'm trying to control these crazy thoughts I'm having. One hour at a time. It's almost time for bed, but I'm really anxious on top of the depression. I wish I could settle down. I know this is all part of being bipolar and being under stress. I will NOT do anything stupid even though that is what I feel like. Tomorrow will be a new day and just maybe my mood will stabilize. It's also raining here which seem to effect my moods. But we really need the rain. Oh I am rambling so I guess I will end this post.

Stressed To The Max

I am stressed to the MAX! I have too much going on. My finical situation really sucks right now. I have some legal problems going on. I continue to worry about Alice. I have my up coming surgery for my cataracts on Sept 21 & Sept 28. I know it a command surgery, but I'm still very nervous about it. I am so tired all the time and yet to know the reason why. Going to do some volunteer work tomorrow at the SPCA. My eyes are really hurting today after all the testing they did. It is kind of hard to see. I hope things settle down soon.

Eye Appointment

I am very glad I made this appointment. They discovered I have a unusual form of cataracts. Very fast growing. I need to schedule surgery ASAP. He said if I don't get this done very soon I would be blind in 6 months. I had notice my night vision was very bad which is the first sign. I am so glad I made the appointment.

Alice is Safe

Alice is safe and talking has help calm her down some. I worry so much about her depression and she is so far away. I've talked to her this morning and she got a good night sleep, which helps. If she had been living in the city with me I would have gone and taken her to the hospital. I am having her boyfriend keep a good eye on her. I did not sleep well last night because I was so worried about her. My handyman is here finishing up the job on my shed. I have an eye appointment latter this afternoon. I have got to go to the store because I'm out of everything. Thank you for all your support. I don't know what I would do without my online friends!

Urgent Prayer Request.

Oh please pray for my daughter. She is talking about killing herself. Oh God I can NOT loss her.

Why Am I Here?

My life has been a rough one. I have seen and felt so much pain. I know I am here to love and care for others. Just maybe some of the things I have been through can allow me to understand others better. One thing I do know is we need each other. We need to love and support one another. Life can be so unfair. Depression can crush your spirit. I fight it everyday. I know some of my blogging friends are struggling. I so understand your pain and want to support you in anyway I can.

Computer Problems

Yesterday I spent about 4 hours on the phone with tech support trying to get a problem worked out with my computer. If Chris had been here he could have fixed it in less than a hour! He was so good with computers. Anyway it is up and running again, so I guess that is the important thing. I'm waiting on a handyman to come and do some repairs. More money that I don't have, but the trailer park insist that I have the repairs done or I'll be evicted. I don't know how much more stress I can take! I have some legal paper work I'm working on. Things sure are complicated right now.

Night Time Is Hard

Seems like night time is the hardest part of my day. I talked with my daughter and she is doing a little better. I hope this person is not just messing with her head. The offer about this truck sounds too good to be true and I have usually found when something sounds too good to be true it is. Of course I am not the most trusting person in the world, but also very protective of my kids. I decided to get up and blog instead of just soaking my pillow with tears. My mind keeps jumping from Alice to Chris. Not a very good place to be. I recently read some of my older blogs and I am slowly getting better. Grief is a very strange thing. You just never know what is going to trigger a break down. I went and saw Chris today and that always makes me sad. I talk to him about everything that is going on. Of course I cry and tell him how much I love him several times during our visits. I have both Chris' and Alice's cats and they don't get along and they fight. I don't know what I'm going to do about that. I have really got to pull myself together,because I have some important business matters to take care of in the next few weeks. Every time I start to work on them I find myself so distracted. It is so frustrating. I'm feeling a little better since I have been blogging. The house is so quiet it gives me the creeps. I really need to try to get some sleep. Well I'm not asleep yet so I'm adding more. I'm questioning if I let the doctors do the right things when Chris was in the hospital. You think they know best,but do they really? He was on a ventilator most of the time,so I don't think he was in pain. He was deeply sedated. I wonder if he heard my words when I spoke and sang to him. Could he feel my touch? This post is just coming from all the things going through my head as I try to go to sleep.

Worried About My Daughter

My daughter is really depressed right now and I am very worried about her. She tries to see the best in people and is often hurt by them. She has been crying all day. She is on antidepressants, but they don't take away the hurt that a person causes. I wish I could take away her pain. She feel God has abandoned her and even hates her. Her faith is totally gone. I hate the depression monster. It destroys so many lives. I am fighting hard myself with depression right now. Sometimes even one minute at a time seems like too much.

Loss Time

I have a total loss of memory for 3-4 months (Feb-June). I don't remember being admitted to the hospital , but my therapist says I was in patient. I don't remember consenting to the ECT, but apparently I did. I don't remember appointments I had with my other specialist. What upsets me the most is I can not remember the songs that were played at my Son's memorial service. I have shed so many tears the last several months and continue to cry almost everyday. If they are bottled in heaven it must be getting full. I'm resting on a verse. Blessed are they that morn for they shall be comforted. My friend is doing better which is good.

Friend Suffering

One of my on line friends is really suffering from depression. She was talking about suicide. We all need to hold her up and support her. I have grow quite close to her and don't want anything bad to happen. Seems every minute I don't hear something the more anxious I am getting.

Therapy

I saw my doctor for the last time today. It will be a month before I see the new guy. I also saw my therapist today. I actually got sick and had to leave the session and vomit. She was talking about a lot today, but I could not handle talking about Chris today. My emotions are on edge. I can't say I'm depressed. I just don't seem to care about anything. A friend of mine was in town today and we didn't get a chance to hook up because his meetings and my appointments were in conflict. That makes me really made me sad. He was my former pastor and now is an insurance salesman. We were very close and it hurt really bad when he moved out of the city. My doctor reduced one of my medicine to help with the sleepiness . Like I said it might just be because I don't care about anything. I guess I really do care about my friends and family. I talked with my daughter today and she is not sleeping. I told her to call her doctor to see if he could give her something to help her get some sleep. I am so numb right now. I hate it when I get like this. These are the times I want to self injure. Weird it is not when I'm depressed, but when I feel nothing. I'm going to lie down for a while so I don't do anything stupid.

I'm Back

Just like hot check I have returned. I have two appointment tomorrow and I hope they can figure out why I'm so droopy all the time. I no energy at all. I'm just know I'm tired of being like this all the time. I have so much stuff I need to be doing and I just can't make myself do it! I have got to get on line and check out my financial stuff. Disablility is just not enough to make it on. I know I'm rambling but I have really missed my on line friends.

Gone for A Few Days

I'm going to be gone for a few days. Just a little rest. I'll see you all when I'm back. Hugs.

Love

Many people find love at a very early age. Their parents love and protect them. This was not the case in my life I didn't learn what love was for a long time. I thought when I got married this was love, only to find out I was in a very abusive situation. I know many people find love at this time of life, I just wasn't lucky. I became pregnant and felt a new life growing inside me. I knew then I had found real love. When they told me my baby may not make it I knew I would give my own live to save my baby. I was willing to give up everything so my child could live.We almost neither made it. There were some abnormalities which later cause her own personal distress. My love never died. It was steadfast through all the hardship. My second child was born. A healthy male. I watched him become a wonderful young man. His first job, his first car(a white convertible),and his first girlfriend. Then I had to watch him develop a severe anxiety disorder. He became afraid to leave the house. He worked on line for a computer company and lived with me. He was only 27 when he died and a big part of me died with him that day. I found love in my children. Love is being willing to die to save the one you love. Does God feel that away about me? I would have never done anything to hurt Alice or Chris. Does God know how much I hurt? GOD I HURT!

Still Feeling Drugged

I'm still feeling drugged and weak. I've been able to do a few things today, but have to rest a lot. I'm worried about starting on the medication on the weekend. I don't know how I'm now to get the doctor on call and an not sure the pasted on any information anyway. I might just take less of a dose of the medicine to be on the safe side. This was a really bad week and I don't want to go though it again

Ciritcal Lab Values

I finally got the results why I was feeling so badly. I had two critical lab value. I am home trying flush out my system.. I should be feeling better in a day or so. When they adjusted my medicine the forgot to take in account my weight loss. I couldn't get anyone to listen to me which is very scary. Thank you for all your concern. This bi polar disorder may kill me yet.

Falling

I fallen three times today. I don't know if it is a side effect of the increase Dapoke or just pure weakness from the heat, I put in a call to my doctor to see what she has to say. I'm due for a blood level Friday. If I'm not feeling better soon I'm going to try to get some one to tale me to the minor emergency center.

Update

She had two stints put in and is feeling better. She is complaining about the hospital food which is always a good sign. I'm still really feeling sick and having trouble keeping anything down. I'm really too weak to drive to the doctor,but if I'm not any better tomorrow I will really consider it anyway.

Sicker Than A Dog

I'm am so sick I don't know if you will see me too much on line. I'm so weak I can hardly walk across the floor. I don't know if it's the stress, heat, or abnormal autoimmune labs are causing the problem. So if you don't see me around that's why.

I'm Very Tired

Just wanting to hear is hard. It's is exhausting. Being miles away doesn't help.They can't have there cell phones on,so its a waiting game. I know things just happen,but I calling "uncle". It's time for sometime good to happen! I'M SO TIRED! My emotions are drained.

Peggy

Peggy's oxygen levels are not stabilizing very well. This scares me to death because that is how Chris's down fall started. I know in my head things aren't the same, but I'm really scared.

Update.

My sister in law is still in ICU. Critical conduction but expected to pull out. Thank you for all your prayers. I really don't trust hospital much since the death of my Son. Today is my daughter and my birthday. She is so far away! We have talked, but I miss her so. This is also my first birthday since Chris's death. This has really been a hard day so far. I'm suppose to go to a religious concert with my x- husband sister tonight. I don't know how that is going to work out considering my emotional state. For lunch I bought a piece of apple pie for my birthday. It made me sicker than a dog. I think it is the first thing sweet that I have eaten since Chris's death. It sounded so good, but boy am I paying for it now. Right Happy Birthday. If the rest of the holidays are like this, I want to find a hole to hide in.Continue to pray for our family. There is a lot of stress right now. WE Need help up because we are getting beaten down to the point I fear we will never get up.

Prayer Request

My brother's wife has just suffered a heart attack and needs our prayers.

Crying

Crying my eyes out. Knowing I must hold on. It will be better. There are people that love me. I know this. Death is NOT the answer. Oh God hear my cries. I have to listen to my own words. Words that I have spoken to others. You are worth it. Don't give up! The mental anguish feels more than I can bear. Keep telling yourself you are worth it. Talk to someone. Reach out for help. Never give up. Think of your wonderful daughter, friends, and love ones. You are not alone.

Crashing

I'm crashing and crashing hard. I helped at the SPCA today and really had a hard time concentrating. At least the kitten were cute. They got in a large group last night and they were playing up a storm. Right now I afraid of myself. I'm try to stay safe but really am having a hard time. I waiting on a call back from my therapist. I know I can do this. I've been through this so many times. I hate it when the medicine doesn't seem to help. These are terrible feelings. I hate this! I just have to remember it will pass.

Rapid Cylcling Bipolar

Being a rapid cycling bipolar can be exhausting! That is what has been happening the past few days. My doctor is raising my dose of Valproate Acid to off set the raised dose of the antidepressant. I feel like a walking pharmacy! I know she is just trying to control the mania. I got bad news that she will be leaving her office practice at the end of the month. She got a promotion to be the head of the in patient eating disorder program. I'm happy for her, but not looking forward to finding a new doctor. I will see her one more time before she leaves. She ordered some labs on me to have done before my next visit with her. She wanted to know if I wanted I to see the doctor that does the ECT. I said no way because he would want to do it all the time. I just think it has too many side effects for the good it does. Besides the effects only last a short time and it is just not worth it. It's still over a 100 degrees which is miserable. When it's that hot all you can do is stay in the house. I'll try to think cool thoughts the rest of the day.

I'm a Mess

I'm manic, broke and still grieving. I am a mess! It's 104 degrees and too hot to do anything. I got up real early and went to Wal Mart, took two large bags of stuff to the Goodwill, and got gas. I have been cleaning a bit on the house. I should of know with all the racing thoughts this was coming on. I hate it when I get like this and don't have any money. I'm going to try and stay out of trouble by staying in the house. I've set in my Son room and just thought about him and how much I wish he was here. Mine and my daughter birthday is Saturday and I'm really going to miss being with her. We have shared our birthday together for 30 years and now she will be so many miles away from me. Of course I'll call her, but it won't be the same. I know I am rambling, but that is just the way my mind is today. Hope to see some of my blogging friends drop by.

Can't Sleep

Another night where I can't sleep! This is getting old. I got up did some cleaning hoping that would help me relax enough to fall asleep. No luck so far. I just hate it when I can't shut my mind down. I've taken my nerve medicine, but it's not helping. Maybe if I lay down again I'll have better luck. I hate it when my mind is going a 100 miles per hour. Let me try to think peaceful thoughts.

Happy For My Daughter

I just received a call from my daughter that her ultra sound report show a fully intact uterus. There have been many questions and abnormalities with her body. The such joy in her voice has just made me cry with joy. Alice can have some peace and when your child is happy you can not be anything but happy. I just had to blog some good news!

Good VS Evil

Sometimes it feels like we are in a fight for our very lives. The good seems to be out weighed by the evil. I've seen so much brokenness and pain. I wonder when the pain will end. My mind is in a constant battle these days. I cry out to God, but I don't seem to find the answers. He has assured me my Son is in heaven, but my pain goes on. I have seen the evilness of child abuse. The lasting scares it causes. I have felt these things first hand and I know what it does to your mind. My mind is in so much turmoil. I'm trying so hard to find rest a peace. A comfort from all the bad things that have happened. I just don't understand. I must not give up. I must hold on to what hope I can. Evil must not win.

Rheumatology

I saw my rheumatology doctor today and they had to put me back on some of my autoimmune medicine. This might explain some of my exhaustion. I just hate taking another drug. If it works I guess it will be worth it. I also had both of my knees and right shoulder injected. That usually helps the pain for a while. The SPCA is showing some of the dogs and cats tonight at a horse show, so I'm helping.

Lack Of Sleep

It was after 5 Am when I finally dozed off last night. I have been having trouble for several days and I know that is why my mood hasn't been in the best place. I'm forcing myself to do somethings around the house this morning. The exhaustion is getting to me. I think such crazy, self destructive thoughts when I am so sleep deprived. I don't think my medicine is working at all. I guess I'll try to get that across to my doctor when I see her on Wednesday. I been telling her for weeks I didn't think they are working. I don't know what to do to get the point across! Try, try again. I guess I need to find something productive to do. I talk to you all later.

6 Months

Six months ago Chris died early morning in ICU. I spent most of the day today at the SPCA so I would not dwell on his death. I'm still having a very difficult time and crying a lot. I miss him so much. The pain is as real today as it was 6 months ago. Everyone keeps telling things will get better in time, but I'll never completely get over the loss. He was a wonderful young man. It just seems so unfair that he was taken before he could experience so many things in his life. Nobody ever said life was fair. I just want to tell Chris how much I love you. You will always hold a very special place in my heart.

Survived

Physical and sexual childhood abuse. Survived
Abusive and unfaithful husband. Survived
Severely mentally ill daughter. Surviving
My own mental illness. Surviving
My youngest son's death. Surviving.

Is there more to life than just surviving? I can't give up. It's not my nature. I am a good person, who a lot of bad things has happened to. I am healing so slowly. Sometimes I wonder what is the grand plan. Day by day is all I can do. To accomplish small tasks. Some days getting out of bed is rough. I want to believe I'll be better someday. Until that time I will continue to love others and give what I can to help others through their own difficult times.

Drained

I am totally drained today . I've tried to do a few things, but I keep having to rest. Emotionally I feel just as empty. I see the therapist tomorrow, but I'm not sure if it is helping or not. I am going to lay back done and try to get some strength.

Pastor Prayed With Me Today

I went to churcch today and cried the entire service. Those of you that have been keeping up with my posts know my head has not been in the best place. After service I went front for prayer. I hurt so bad I sometimes I don't think I'll make it. It's such a dark place in my mind. I have to believe. What else is there? I'm so tired. Each day is a struggle. I don't even know what I feel. I just need hope that it will not always be like this. God don't let go of me.

Back in Town

Well I'm back in town today. I stayed a few extra days because I was in such bad shape. I'm feeling a little better but still in a very touch and go situation. My coping skills right now are pretty well shot. I'll be keeping in close contact with my therapist and doctor. At least I have enough sense right now to call for help instead of taking too many medicine. I really appreciate all your support. You guys are the greatest!

Couple of Days

I going to spend I going to spend a couple of days with a friend. I think I need to get away from here for awhile. She such a good friend it always helps me to be around her. Besides I'm afraid to be alone.

They Wanted to Admit Me Today

They wanted to admit me today,but I agreed to check in with my therapist on a daily bases for right now. What I did last night was very dangerous. She was very reluctant to do this, but I promised her I would keep safe. She had me pick up a book When Bad Things Happen To Good People. If things continue I am to go to the hospital. She wants me to keep an anger chart daily and I see her again on Wednesday. I'm going to start reading the book as soon as I'm off line. Your comments and prayers are appreciated. Right now I need all the help I can get. It seems by bipolar depression is really messing with my grief.

Took Too Much Medicine

Poison Control says I took too much Clonazepam tonight.They want me to get someone to set with me or go to the hospital. Neither one of those things are an option. They are going to check on me in an hour or so to see how I'm doing. I don't want to end back back in the mental hospital again since I just got out in May. I see my the therapist tomorrow at 10:00 AM. The anxiety and the stress are getting more than I can bear. My faith is so severely shaken I don't know where to turn. I see God working miracles in others peoples lives, but I just can't feel Him. He seems to have abandoned me. I'm not feeling any of the side effects from taking too many pills, so I think everything will be okay. I feel many people have given up on me and feel I'm a lost cause. Can someone give me hope that things will get better? I so need to believe I can feel better.Years of abuse has messed me up so bad. Then losing Chris was just too much. I may have started therapy to late in my life. I had blacked so much of the horrible things out of my life. I knew something was wrong with me, but after my "nervous break down" at 18 years old I completely blocked out the past for several years. My sister and brothers had to help verify the abuse. The memories where just to terrible to seem real. I feel only a true miracle can save me. I do believe they can happen. I guess I better wait for the call from Poison Control.

Heat Wave

It's very hot here. They have heat advisory out. We are suppose to hit a heat index of 110 degrees. To hot for my blood. I'm going to have to go out today and get some essentials. I didn't get much sleep last night. I was up til after 4 AM. I haven't cried today, which I guess is a good thing. I am very tired however. Thanks for all your love and support. I know I have been a train wreck for the past several months. My friends have made this tough time more bearable. Hugs!

Missing Chris

I'm missing Chris so badly today! I can't stop crying.

Rash Improving

My rash is improving, but I still don't feel very well. My eyes look terrible still and all of these steroids are making me sick at my stomach. It's still better than it was. I think I'm going to buy some Round Up and not mess with pulling any more weeds. I think it will be safer and cheaper in the long run. My check was slow being deposited this month. I finally get it tomorrow. Good thing I was getting down to last dimes. Thanks everyone for your concerns. I'll be glad when the itching is gone. Talk at you later.

Poison Ivy

I was pulling some weeds the other day and I guess I got into some poison ivy or something. I woke up yesterday with my eyes swollen shut and a rash on my face. I have been itching like crazy and feeling a little short of breath. So I went to the doctor this morning because my face looked like some kind of monster and there was a rash on my arms. They gave me a steroid shot which I hope will take some of the itching away. He also called in some cream and more steroids. Hopefully I'll be feeling better soon.

Hot At The SPCA

Boy was it humid and hot today when helping the SPCA. I felt sorry for the dogs being out there for 4 hours. Of course they had plenty of water and food and could go into the air conditioned van for a break. There sure were some cute ones out today. Some of these animals stories are so sad. I held a little 10 year old mixed breed named Peaches. She came in with a broken jaw and had to have her mouth wired shut for several weeks. She was such a lap dog I can't even imagine someone having broken her jaw. Then there was the 5 month old mixed breed puppy. He played so hard the first 3 hours he was wiped out by the time we left. He was sleeping so soundly he had to be picked up a carried to the van. Believe me he was a arm full. He is going to be a big dog someday, but so sweet. The cats have it made because they get to stay in the air conditioned glass fronted van the entire time. There was one big gold and white cat that reminded me of my cat. I hope some of the cuties get adopted very soon.

Please Help Me

Dear God, I ask for your peace and rest because I am so weary. Weary from the sadness that has filled my heart. Therapy is good, but it is not providing the relief I need. I need a touch. I need hope and love that I can feel. I'm not sure how much longer I cam go on. Please help me.

What Is Wrong With Me?

A friend and I were suppose to meet this afternoon at my house. She is quite a bit older than I am and has difficulty walking at times. The weather here has been pouring down raining and the streets have been flooding. I called her and got her voice mail. No big deal. One hour later I called her and again got her voice mail. I waited another hour and the same thing. Now I have imagined the worst. She had fallen and could get to the phone or maybe she was dead. Why on earth would my mind go there? I got in my car an drove in this dangerous weather to her house. I looked in her garage and her car was there, but she didn't answer the door. I was debating on calling 911 when my cell phone rang. It was her. She had not felt good today and had been sleeping. She said she was sorry and didn't mean to worry me. My question is why did I assume the worst? I was terrified I would go to her house and find her dead. What is wrong with me?

A Little Bit At A Time

I went through a couple of Chris's dresser drawers today and took some stuff to Good Will. It's still very hard for me to go into his room. A little bit at a time is all I can handle. If I could grant just one wish it would be that no parent should ever have to experience the loss of a child. I guess I'm getting a little better, because I don't cry everyday. Today has been a crying day however. I miss him so much. I try to keep busy. I can actually some days remember happy times we had together. I think that is a good sign. Bad sign is some days I just want to die.

Rough Day

I'm having a rough day. Nothing seems to make much sense. I am barely functional. I didn't call my therapist because I did think it would help. I didn't even get dressed today. I've tried to eat a few bites of food today, but I just gagged when I tried. If I'm not doing any better by tomorrow I'll call her.

4 Day Holiday

I getting ready to take a 4 day holiday with my best friend. See now live out of town so I don't get to see her as often as I used to. I don't know what the plans are, but she picks me up tomorrow at noon. I'll be staying at her place until Monday and I'm sure we can find some trouble to get into. I really need this break, because I have been fighting this depression for so long. I know we are going to her daughter on the fourth for a cook out and fireworks. The change of seneriy will do me good. I let everyone know how things went when I get back home. Happy 4th of July eveeryone!

What Is The Matter With People?

A young man was shipped back to the states after giving his life in the war. Outside his funeral service there were protesters of is war with picket signs. This is a terrible thing for the family of the young man who gave his all for our country. To add to the family terrible grief is unthinkable. I believe in free speech, but this was totally out of line. Respect and honor are due this young man. Think of the family and there great loss. This young man was a hero and deserved the respect.

It's Hard

Seems like I have more than one person can handle. Daily I have to try to deal with my daughters severe mental illness. I'm still dealing with my own deep grief. My PTSD has been kicking up and keeping me awake a nights. I am very tired. All the stress has caused a flare up my ED. I know I must not give up. I must keep trying. I'm reaching out to all my friends now because I need help and encouragement. I'm so tired. I must keep going.

Triggers

Just about the time I think I may make it something triggers the fact I have lost my youngest son. I saw something driving home from the store and I started crying so hard I had to pull off the road. The pain for awhile is as great as it was in the hospital when they told me he didn't make it and they were calling the code off. Maybe everyone thinks I should be over this by now. I wonder if I ever will. I'm sorry I talk about him so much, but he takes up so much of my mind. The pain seems unbearable. It hurts so bad. I'm trying and that is all I can do.

Terrible Headache

I have had a terrible headache for the last several hours. The medicine is taking a little bit of the edge off it. I just want to let everyone know I'm okay.

A Good Time

Last night I had a good time with a friend. She took me to see a "Beatles" concert. The music was filled with good oldies. I only cried with two song that made me think of Chris. After the concert we went to T G I F for some wonderful food. I had shrimp and broccoli and peach ice tea. It was great to have a fun time break.

Out of Control

I feel my life is so out of control. I don't seem to be able to control my own thoughts. I'm trying so hard to do the "right " things, but I keep falling on my face. Therapy, medicine and even ECT don't seem to help me. Why can't I be fixed? I am basically a good, loving, and caring person. I try positive self talk. I pray. When I'm like this all I can think of is why was I ever born? Life has got to be better than this.

Where Has The Time Gone?

The last few months have been some of the roughest times I have ever been through. I am so thankful for those of you that have stood beside me and given me much needed support. I'm not sure where all the days have gone. I believe that I have some very good friends I have never met. Time continues no mater what has happened. Each day is a choice. We make the best decisions we can and find joy where we can. I am glad I found the blogging world.

Laid Chris to Rest Today

I laid Chris to rest in his finally resting place today. His Aunt was with me. I did a little better than I though I would. He was such a kind warm person. He helped me so much and his love was unconditional. Chris I want to tell you that you were one of my few joys in life. I will always remember your laugh, your hugs when I was having a rough day, and when you teased me by calling me "little Mama". Having a place to stay where I can visit as much as I want is wonderful. You where a gift form God. I'm sorry your time on earth was so short. You will be missed,but you will not be forgotten, A mother could not have asked for a more loving child. Rest in peace and in God's arm till I see you again. With all my love. Little Mama

Grief Class Graduation

Tomorrow night is "Grief Class Graduation". I feel I have failed the course with flying colors. The class had a lot to do with unresolved issues. Chris and I were very close and the biggest issue I had was that he had to die when he was only 27 years old. He was robbed of so much life. I was robbed of a very special person. I am glad I took the course because it helped me realize I was not the only one who was hurting so badly. I still cry almost everyday. Some days I cry several times in that day. I am assured he is in heaven and one day I will see him again. I worry some that I want to be with him so badly I may end up taking my own life. When you suffer from bipolar depression you are at a higher risk for suicide. My counselor told me she is at lose of words to help me, but believe me being able to vent is helpful. You have all been wonderful and encouraging to me. Thank you. I'm not giving up yet, but I am so weary. Oh, Chris I loved you so much.

Father's Day

This is definitely not my favorite day of the year. My own father left never to be seen again on my first birthday. My step father molested me from the time I was 4 years old until my early teens. He was also very physically abusive. I feared for my life more than a for more than a few times. My ex husband turned out to be a pedophile. So the word father leaves a dirty taste in my mouth. I think that is part of the reason I have trusting in my Heavenly Father. I just not sure I'll be safe. Loveing is a very strange thing. I only know that my love for my children was real and nothing could ever destroy the deep feelings. I hope many of you are having a better day than I am. I love you for all the support you give me.

You Cannot Lose My Love

Wanda, I'm posting this on your blog to ensure that you see it. While many people use this to dedicate to their children, or other loved ones, it was written as from God to us ..






Josh Petersen: "Have hope and joy today in the fact that you are not perfect. Never will be. But Jesus loves you anyways, because you are His beautiful child."


"You will lose your baby teeth.
At times, you’ll lose your faith in me.
You will lose a lot of things,
But you cannot lose my love.

You may lose your appetite,
Your guiding sense of wrong and right.
You may lose your will to fight,
But you cannot lose my love.

You will lose your confidence.
In times of trial, your common sense.
You may lose your innocence,
But you cannot lose my love.

Many things can be misplaced;
Your very memories be erased.
No matter what the time or space,
You cannot lose my love."

I love you Wanda, my friend, my sister in christ .. my fellow Trouble and Rumblebuffin.

Scream

SCREAM!!!!!!!! I JUST CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE!!!!!OH GOD WHERE ARE YOU?

Got In Trouble

I saw my doctor today and she yelled at me for losing so much weight this month. I know I not eating right and it becoming a disorder again, but food just makes me sick. I tried to eat a few grapes awhile ago and they made me gag. I'll try again later to eat something, but I have no desire. People had been telling me how good the weight loss looked so I want to eat less. I did have one friend talk to me today about how bad I was looking. She says I have let the grief trigger my eating disorder and I headed for the hospital. I tired of being fat and I just don't care about much these days. I guess as weak as I'm becoming I had better pick up the chewable vitamins like my doctor said. I don't know what I'm going to do.

Frustrated

I'm so frustrated with the cemetery where I am going to place Chris ' ashes. I bought and paid for a double vault and mine and Chris' remains and it doesn't look like both will fit. The lady that sold me the stuff is out of town until next week and I know all I'll do is worry about it. This makes me so mad!

Peace In Dnying?

God if it is peace you find in dying please let the time be near. This been going through my head all day. I'm so tired and sad. I long for peace. My life has been filled with one bad thing after another. If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger I should be super women. I love so deeply. I know I am chemically unbalanced, I just can't think right now. I have to hang on for my daughter. It's so hard. I know I'm not the only person molested as a child. I know I'm not the only person that married a pedophile. I know I'm not the only one that is bipolar. I know I'm not the only one with chronic pain. I know I'm not the only one to have lost a child. It doesn't take away the severe emotional pain I'm going through. I pray but don't seem to get the results others do when they pray. Would it be wrong to take my own life? Would that damn me to hell? Would I never be able to see my beloved son if I did this? I love God and people. What is wrong with me? Maybe calling someone would help. I'm sorry I have been so weak and needy. Please help hold me up. There has got to be an answer out there somewhere. I'm calling someone to help me make it through the night until I talk to my therapist tomorrow.

Sleep

I have taken my night time medicine and am ready to sleep. I know I u se sleep too often to easy my pain and depression. I wonder if that is what real peace is like. For awhile I do not cry. Even if some nights I cry myself to sleep. I wonder why some brains don't have the right chemical to prevent depression. I have so many questions and so few answers. I thank each and everyone of my friends for their support. How can a heart be so full of love and compassion for others, but hate ones self. I see joy in other people and long for that for myself. I have been this way for so long I wonder if my only hope is in the after life. I'm tired now so I think I will sleep. I don't know what I would do without all the kindness and encouragement you all give me. Thank you so much.

So Weak

I'm so weak today. I have fallen once. I'm not eating much, but I think I did better than yesterday. I am exhausted mentally and physically. I wondering if I'm over medicated. I cut back my night time medication. I can't stay awake. I am really hurting all over. I don't trust doctors too much, but if I not feeling better by tomorrow I think I'm going to call somebody to take me in. I'm not such how much my emotions have to do with this, but it has been a long time since I have felt so bad.

Not Feeeling Well

I'm not feeling well today. I'm hurting all over and a bit more depressed that usual. I have been sleeping a lot today and am very weak. You have been a life savor for me. Thanks again for all your love and support.

My Daughter

My daughter is doing a little better. They have up her antidepressant. She is getting treatment and this is a good thing. I love her so much. I can't say increasing my antidepressant has help much yet. I'm holding on to a thin tread of faith that I can make it through this. Thank you for your words of encouragement.

Will it Ever End?

My daughter called today to tell me she was suicidal. I cried and begged her to please get in to see some one ASAP. Admit herself to a hospital or something. As many times as I have thought of suicide I realize it is not painless. I wonder if there can be happiness in this world. I just don't know. Why is life so painful? Is it possible to have joy? My doctor upped my antidepressant yesterday. We will see if that helps. There has got to be more to life than this.

Grief Class

To night in my grief class I read my letter to Chris. It was the hardest thing I have had to do so far in this class. I was in tears most of the time, but I got it done. The leader of the group said he was beginning to see some light behind my eyes that wasn't there 8 weeks ago when I started the class. I was told the letter was beautiful by more than one person. I still don't have that instant relieve from writing the letter, but I am glad I have stuck the class out. Chris will always be a big part of my life. He was a beautiful gift from God who I will always treasure.