Friday, December 18, 2009

Does't Everyone Feel This Way?

I'm bipolar and have episodes of severe depression. I some times want to die. I can't cook. I can't clean my house and some times don't get dressed for days. Getting out of bed can be a major undertaking. Does 't every one that has depression feel this way? I have been unable to work for a while. When I'm not depressed people like me. I cycle rapidly ( more than 3 times a year.) My therapist see me as a "very sad child". My psychiatrist is frustrated on the number of medication combination I have been on. I am very interested in hearing if this is so abnormal with my history of bipolar and abusive past. I do find some peace in knowing God cares for me, but He does not seem to help when I am so low.


Gaia said...

Wanda, I am so sorry for your pain. Pray that you will be able to find some relieve soon. Take care.

Just Be Real said...

God does care dear one. I know it is hard to believe, and I too have my doubts many times. But, He does.

I do not suffer as you do, so I cannot give you an honest answer to your depression question. I can say that too I have always been sad and was told that I have a sad spirit when someone prayed over me. Wanda, I feel for you dear. And I am here always listening....


Ethereal Highway said...

What can you do to help the very sad child? Is there any good companionship available to you? This is one of the things that helps pull me out of it when I get very low. For me there really is no lasting solution that ignores the feelings of the child at the root of it all. What makes your child feel better?

Wanda, there is also a theory of depression that says 'people' do not get depressed, that only their emotions do. It also helps me to look at it from this angle and ask myself what knowledge, conflict and/ or emotion it is that I am trying to avoid and thus having the depression instead. For years, it was anger that was the culprit. I was so used to disowning my anger that I wasn't even aware that I was expending energy unconsciously in an effort to keep it down. The feeling that I felt as a result was something that I described as depression. Though it looked and acted quite 'clinical', it went away for the most part when I hugged my anger and cursed and yelled and screamed about what shitty parents I had. It was a burden off. It was like losing a hundred pounds. No psychiatrist ever gave me that. All they gave me was illness. I had to get my freedom for myself. Not necessarily alone, but it was not something that anyone could prescribe for me.

Wanda, if the medical model is not working for you, you can always look around you to see if there is something else that makes sense to you. It's big world out there. If you have driven the same road over and over for years and are still depressed, that tells you something.

Wanda's Wings said...

EH, I do have a lot of unresolved anger. The sexual and physical abuse some times is so buried I fear if it ever gets out I'll not be able to contain my anger. Thank you for your advise.

RCUBEs said...

In God's silence, doesn't mean He's not listening. Praying for your healing still sister. God bless and take care of yourself.

Cheesemeister said...

What you describe is not abnormal. Everyone is different and every person with bipolar disorder will manifest the disorder differently, sometimes with co-morbid disorders involved to make things all the more "fun." I think I have an ultra-rapid cycle because I go through it in the course of about a month. It has become more rapid since I started taking Lithium--I used to stay in one part of the cycle for several months, when I think back on it, before I knew what was wrong with me. But the Lithium takes the edge off the irritability and paranoia so I'm more stable generally, and if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Myself, I cannot tolerate most meds and most doctors get angry with me for that.
None of us will ever be symptom-free, which I think is sometimes what doctors want. It doesn't help when your medication specialist expresses frustration in that way. These medications are far from a perfect solution.
I just hope you can find a point where life is dealable. And I hope you are able to break free of this crushing depression. I know how it feels to be down in a dark, horrible hole with no hope at all able to break through. Been there, done that, it sucks big time.
I too am an angry child. Most of the time I do not feel like a functioning adult, and I tend to feel like people just use me and do not appreciate me.

Ethereal Highway said...

I used to feel scared like that of my anger, too. Terrified, in fact. I understand, Wanda. I don't know if it will help you to know what came of it for me, but --

Before I even had a chance to figure out mentally that I had anger, it started leaking out anyway and it scared me. Made me have panic attacks, even. Turned out there was nothing much to be afraid of, really. I guess I was afraid that I would become violent or destructive somehow. Instead I just wrote some violent stories (revenge on abuser), I cursed on my blog, I yelled to my husband and therapist about the abuse and the unfairness. You know what is the favorite thing that I did? :-) I used to get angry and feel it boiling up, and then I would scrub something. Usually the bathtub or the floor. I would take the sponge and grind it into the surface in question and scrub really hard. When I did it, I would picture that it was really the abuser's face that I was grinding into the dirt and grime. It helped.

I've also heard of people throwing old dishes against the wall in the garage, beating sofa cushions, and wadding up a towel and 'strangling' it as if it were the abuser's neck. No one method works for everyone. Maybe other readers will have more suggestions about how to express anger. Maybe one of them will resonate with you.

I know the feeling of being afraid of the anger, Wanda. That's because we saw things that made us believe anger would always hurt us, but that's not true anymore. Also, some people worry about being like their abusers if they are angry. We are not them and it's normal to be angry after what was done to us. Also, some feel held back from their anger by religion. Remember that even Jesus experienced anger. He turned over the merchants' tables in the temple, remember? A violent outburt, it was! Go, Jesus!! He really let his feelings be known about something that he considered to be a desecration. Desecration made Jesus VERY ANGRY. You have a right to be angry, Wanda, and you are A-OK with me, my friend. You're allowed to have your feelings no matter what anybody else thinks about it.


Anonymous said...

Hey Wanda,

I really haven't shared this with many people, but I guess it's time.
I know exactly how you are feeling. I do the same thing.
I go thru "episodes" where I don't want to be around anyone, or talk to anyone, go anywhere, take a shower is like pulling a tooth. I completely cut myself off from everyone, and I don't take care of myself or my home or anything else for days.
Actually there have been times it has lasted for weeks at a time.
I really don't know how to deal with it.
It amazes me at times that I've been able to hang on to a job now for nearly 2years. But I do take meds and I tried soooooooo many, for so many years.
Finally found a good combination for me.
I still have those times even now Wanda, but they aren't quite as bad and they don't last as long.
Please don't get discouraged, keep faith in your Lord, take your meds, see your doctors, do what ever it takes to survive. Don't give in to the disease. I promise there is light at the end of this tunnel.
It takes a lot of work, over a long period of time, but I believe you will get there.
I will continue to keep you in my prayers my friend. I do know how bad it can be, just hang in there, please!
Take care Wanda,
write me sometime if you want,
Julian :)

Andrea said...

I have struggled with depression, but not as you do, but I can tell you that GOD does care.
I will continue to pray!

Anonymous said...

So sorry you are going through such a tough time. I, too, used to suffer with depression. Mine was dysthymia. It is like a low grade depression all the time. It is not the same as what you described.

I grew up in an alcoholic home and was neglected alot

I worked through my grief from my childhood and now it is a lot better. I read one of your comments about the anger. I thought the same thing, but God helped me process my anger. I had to let my little girl, who was mad and sad, begin to express herself. She needed to have a voice.

I had a very gentle Christian Counselor who helped me.

When I first met the Lord and started facing the anger, I was scared like you. He is a gentle counselor. He will only give you as much as you can handle.

All I can offer is my experience.


wolfbaby said...

I don't have the bi polar or if i do it's mild enough my shrink says it's not there so to speak or not something i have to dx... it does run in my family heavily tho...

i have seen what you are going through in others and what i have noticed is you literally have to force yourself out of it.. it's hard.. i know when im depressed i have to make a conscious decision to force myself out of it... it's not fun either... and it dosn't always work but sometimes it's worth a try... find something you love like painting and put it in front of you and even if you don't feel like doing it surround yourself with it and sit there with it in front of you for days if you have to and eventually you will feel like picking up that brush and experiencing that feeling of joy that comes from creating something

like i said it dosn't always work but it's a non medicated way of trying and it never hurts to try right?

thank you for being there and reading my blog even when i haven't been to yours.. it has been a hard year... but im trying right:)

Shadow said...

i know depression, but not nearly as badly as you describe it. and that what i feel is horrendous enough. *hugs* dear wanda, i wish you only the brightest and best and may this cloud lift some day soon. you're in my prayers.

Raine said...

I do have the depressions just as you described. Of course I am also a rapid cycling bi-polar. I have been on so many meds its pathetic and am still searching. So - you arent the only one if that helps any at all