Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Another Sleepless Night

Oh boy, I did it again. Another night awake til 6AM before I dozed off for an hour. My energy level seems OK so I am just going to make the best of the day. Sleep is over rated anyway.

I'm not really sure what I want to accomplish today yet. I though I would check on my blogging friends first and go from there. 

Monday, August 29, 2011

What Is Wrong With Me?

I have so many people being kind to me right now. I just don't get why I am so sad all the time. It's all I can do to keep from crying. My psychiatrist thinks it's because I'm not sleeping. I'm seeing a sleep specialist next week and will most likely have a sleep study later on in the month. I am tired all the time and am so weak. I was thinking my doctor might need to check my lupus panel. I just know I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Therapy is going okay. It has been intense at times, but I don't think that is the problem. She is wanting me to use my art to try and express some of the pain of my childhood. I have done a little work in this area, but not with this therapist. I really like her and thinks she is truly concerned about me.

I am not getting to  work out as often as I would like to. I did work out Sunday and I am hoping to go work out tomorrow, but we only have one car that is running right now and Alice has an appointment. We will just have to see what plays out tomorrow. I haven't been able to afford the right kind of food. I am so frustrated with the whole eating thing I am about ready to give up.  I know that will never happen because I am so obsessed with food. I think if I was eating better my mood might be better/

Ahh Monday

How do I get out of this mess?

Saturday, August 27, 2011

18 Months Ago

I woke up today crying and missing Chris. I realized it has been 18 months ago to this day that I lost Chris,
I picture him today in heaven as he was before he had agoraphobia. Happy and working on God's computer system. I know I might think  differently than a lot of people, but I think Heaven will be like the happiest time of your life. Maybe I am crazy, but it is how I feel, Chris with a laptop having a blast.

Today my job is to experience life and enjoy Alice.  Someday we will all be together again. I just know this i my heart.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Just for Fun

Fish Anyone?
Only a Mama
 I'm Out Of Here!

Tuesday, August 23, 2011


I have been having a hard time blogging recently.  I don't really know why.  It seems like my brain has gone into a sleep mode. I know I have been fighting depression, but this is just crazy . I have been spending some time drawing recently.

My nerves have been shot since someone tried to break in our back door. We are having to replace the door. I am hoping these two nice men form the church will be able to install the door. The replacement door was expensive enough!  

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Life Is Forever Changing

Life is forever changing 

Moods, feelings, and surroundings change with the dawn of each day
Still some things remain the same and unchanged
Sunshine comes with the morning to take the darkness away
While cool breezes and rain are the making of another day

The smell of flowers fill the air in Spring time
 But they sleep as the cold winter air blankets the ground
Bird sing songs that are soon memories of the warm days gone by
Life as the season always changing for a new day

Each day offers new beginnings, A day for new hope or despair
Yesterdays pain are still lingering, but help make us stronger 
No magic wand can change the past or remove the hurts
Only the strong resolve offers hope for us and  others

Our lives are a story written to help and care for others
We choose to make others stronger by our endurance
By sharing and loving each other, new hope come with the dawn of day
Today  is all that is promised and all we can change is this very day

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Working Out

Working out always make me feel better. I just got back form the gym and that always lifts my mood. Getting those "good feeling" brain chemicals flowing.  It also make me feel better about myself for getting up when I just don't feel like it.

I have been drawing more recently and that is a good stress reliever for me also. We are planning on going to the SPCA tomorrow and work the cat room. We work on socializing the cats so they will be more adoptable. My BP has been better on the higher dosage of medicine. I really want to take a diet pill, but my primary care doctor won't do it without an OK for my psychiatric doctor. My weight has been going up and I am freaking out. I just have to do the best I can. That is really all anyone can do.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011


Therapy was rough today. My therapist thinks I am kind of unstable due to the lack of rest.She asked if I took sleeping pills and I told her no. She suggested I try some over the counter medicine to help me sleep. I saw my primary care physician yesterday and she was concerned about my blood pressure running so high. It was 170/100 but I'm really stressed right now. I admit  I'm exhausted but there is just a lot going on right now. I would like to pull the covers over my head and not face the world, but that just doesn't work that well. I am trying to count my blessing and I do have a lot to be thankful for. Depression and exhaustion can make you forget, which I refuse to give in to these things!

Tuesday, August 09, 2011


I am so blessed to have some good friends! A young man from my my church came by this evening with his son and did my lawn care. I had been paying to have it done, but they did it free and without any strings attached. Thank you J you are a gem.

For a while I was feeling all alone in the world, but a few wonderful people have stepped up and made me feel that I am a good person and that I have something to offer. I am so thankful for the kindness these people bring to my life.  Words can be so empty, but when you put deeds in action that is the true Christ like spirit.

I have made many friends in the blogging world that offer up encouragement and support to me daily. I feel so very blessed that so many people have a true kind heart. My life has been hard, but when I see the goodness in others it bring hope and joy to my heart.

Monday, August 08, 2011

A Good Day Ended In ER

Last night I had to take my daughter to ER. She started vomiting and couldn't keep anything down.  They pumped her full of IV fluids and  gave her pain  medicine for  her fall the day before.  She had a bruised tail bone and was suffering from heat exhaustion.  She is much better today.

I have been putting the finishing touch on the house today, because we have a showing at 2 pm.. The market is so depressed right now we haven't been showing the house that often,  I am almost ready to pull it off the market  for a while.

I'm tired today from being up so late in the ER, but other wise OK. Not much else happening right now,so I will check in later.

Sunday, August 07, 2011

Sunday Sketches

Bear Cub With Flowers
Taking Time To Smell The Flowers
Water Color
 Today is mine and my daughter's birthday. No I am not telling how old I am.. lol. I got the best present form S. She gave me a bag full of art supplies. I used the drawing pencils and the water colors on the above work.  My daughter and I are going to have Chinese for lunch and Turtle Cheese Cake for out Birthday,

My daughter is  happy as a clam. This car dealer was doing this crazy super used car sale. People lined  up 12-15 hours before the sale to camp out by the car they wanted. She was determined to get a good deal on a used car for her birthday and she did. I am so happy for her. I'm looking forward to the rest of the day.

Friday, August 05, 2011

Intense Therapy Today


Therapy was particularly intense today. We talked about the time my father in law rapped me. My therapist was shocked and horrified by the story. We talked about a new way to try and stop the flashbacks.It something I had never done before "Stand up and yell leave me the **** alone. I'm safe"  She also wants me to watch a "Leave It To Beaver" type show everyday. Showing what a loving family might look like. We talked about how the childhood sexual abuse "Set me up to be a victim" Below is a recommended article on flashbacks.

By Laurieann Chutis, A.C.S.W.
What are they?
Flashbacks are memories of past traumas. They may take the form of pictures, sounds, smells, body sensations, feelings or the lack of them (numbness). Many times there is no actual visual or auditory memory. One may have the sense of panic, being trapped, feeling powerless with no memory stimulating it. These experiences can also happen in dreams.
As a child (or adolescent), we had to insulate ourselves from the emotional and physical horrors of the trauma. In order to survive, that insulated child remained isolated, unable to express the feelings and thoughts of that time. It is as though we put that part into a time capsule until it comes out full-blown in the present.
When that part comes out, the little one is experiencing the past as if it were happening today. As the flashback occurs, it is as if we forget that we have an adult part available to us for reassurance, protection and grounding. The intense feelings and body sensations occurring are so frightening because the feelings/sensations are not related to the reality of the present and many times seem to come from nowhere.
We begin to think we are crazy and afraid of telling anyone (including our therapist) of these experiences. We feel out of control and at the mercy of our experiences.
We begin to avoid situations, and stimuli, that we think triggered it. Many times flashbacks occur during any form of sexual intimacy, or it may be a person who has similar characteristics to the perpetrator, or it may b a situation today that stirs up similar trapped feelings (confronting aggressive people).
If you are feeling small...you are experiencing a flashback.
If you are experiencing stronger feelings than are called for in the present situation...you are experiencing a flashback.
Flashbacks are normal
Vietnam vets have normalized this experience and have coined the term post traumatic stress syndrome.
Even the diagnostic category book for psychiatry defines post traumatic stress syndrome as the normal experience of all people experiencing an event that is outside the range of normal human experience.
Flashbacks feel crazy because the little one doesn't know that there is an adult survivor available to help.
What helps
  1. Tell yourself that you are having a flashback.
  2. Remind yourself that the worst is over. The feelings and sensations you are experiencing are memories of the past. The actual event took place long ago when you were [younger] and you survived. Now it is time to let out that terror, rage, hurt and/or panic. Now is the time to honor your experience.
  3. Get grounded. This means stamping your feet on the ground so that the little one knows you have feet and can get away if you need to. ([If the trauma occurred as a child]. . . you couldn't get away: Now you can.}
  4. Breathe. When we get scared we stop normal breathing. As a result, our body begins to panic from the lack of oxygen. Lack of oxygen in itself causes a great deal of panic feelings: pounding in the head, tightness, sweating, feeling faint, shakiness, dizziness. When we breathe deeply enough, a lot of the panic feeling can decrease. Breathing deeply means putting your hand on your diaphragm and breathing deeply enough so that your diaphragm pushes against your hand and then exhaling so that the diaphragm goes in.
  5. Reorient to the present. Begin to use your five senses in the present. Look around and see the colors in the room, the shapes of things, the people near, etc. Listen to the sounds [around you]: your breathing, traffic, birds, people, cars, etc. Feel your body and what is touching it: your clothes, your own arms and hands, the chair or floor supporting you.
  6. Speak to the little one and reassure him/her. It is very healing to get your adult in the now, that you can get out if you need to, that it is OK to feel the feelings of long ago without reprisal. The child needs to know that it is safe to experience the feelings/sensations and let go of the past.
  7. Get in touch with your needs for boundaries. Sometimes when we are having a flashback we lose the sense of where we leave off and the world begins; as if we do not have skin. Wrap yourself in a blanket, hold a pillow or stuffed animal, go to bed, sit in a closet... any way that you can feel yourself truly protected from the outside.
  8. Get support. Depending on your situation, you may need to be alone or may want someone near you. In either case, it is important that your close ones know about flashbacks so they can help with the process, whether that means letting you be by yourself or being there.
  9. Take time to recover. Sometimes flashbacks are very powerful. Give yourself the time to make the transition from this powerful experience. Don't expect yourself to jump into adult activities right away. Take a nap, or a warm bath, or some quiet time. Do not beat yourself up for having a flashback. Appreciate  how much your little one went through. . . .
  10. Honor your experience. Appreciate yourself for having survived that horrible time [when you were younger]. Respect your body's need to experience those feelings of long ago.
  11. Be patient. It takes time to heal the past. It takes time to learn appropriate ways of taking care of self., of being an adult who has feelings, and developing effective ways of coping in the here and now.
  12. Find a competent therapist. Look for a therapist who understands the processes of healing from [trauma: incest, rape, war.] A therapist can be a guide, a support, a coach in this healing process. You do not have to do it alone . . . ever again.
  13. Join a self-help group. Survivors are wonderful allies in this process of healing. It is a healing thing to share your process with others who understand so deeply what you are going through.
  14. Know you are not crazy . . . you are healing!

Thursday, August 04, 2011

This Song Has Been On My Mind.

"You bleed just to know your alive" " And I don't want the world to see me 'cause I don't  think they would understand.. When everything made to be broken. I just want you to know who I am."   Some deep pain that I can relate to so much.

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

Send Some Cooling Rain

Can only wish!

Record  heat wave! It's going to be 112  today and 115  tomorrow. It's too hot to leave the house.  I am so thankful for my air conditioner.

We need rain so badly,  It has been weeks since we have had a drop of rain. No I don't live in the desert, just Oklahoma! We are trying to think of ways to stay cool.

We had two very large grass fires that burned down 5 homes. It is getting very dangerous in Oklahoma,