Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Not My Planed Weekend!

First I want to thank all my new blogging friends for support. I feel our friendship will do nothing but grow stronger. There is always a bond created when people had had simliar problems, joys, and sorrows. I repect each of you deeply.

(Very special thanks to, fallen, JIP, wolfbay) Just in case anyone has a question what a true friend it could be summed up by what PK did for me this weekend. (((hugs to all of you))

I'm still pretty confused why all this happen. I have lost time before and now am even more concerned about where it goes. Most of the time the "flashbacks" happens at home in a "safe place". I can feel like something is going to happen. This was too quick. A few minutes of sheer panic and I'm there. I'll be talking more with my own doctor about this as soon as I can get in to see him!

They said it was because they where adjusting my medication, but I hope they are correct on that. I'm not sure what bi-polar medications and flashbacks would have to do with each other, but again I'm not a doctor either. The new drug of choice is Abilify. It looks like it can treat more than one disorder. This is the third day on it with "no major side effect yet". We will see.

I hope everyone had a fun filled weekend!

Monday, May 29, 2006


Wanda's Wings

I've seen Wanda at each visiting period. She's doing well. She should be home Tuesday or Wednesday.

They are waiting for the medicines to get to therapeutic levels.

She had a treatment plan today, and it looks really good.

Personally, I believe she is holding up remarkably well. Sooo much better than I would be doing. If it were me ... I'd be in serious trouble (ok, Wanda, when you get home and start reading this, stop laughing) I would be literally hiding in a corner. I would be accused of 'isolating' (and the problem with that is???). SHE is following instructions.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Note from Pk at Pearls and Dreams

Hey, Last night I had to take Wanda to the emergency room when Wanda had a flashback that was worse than she'd ever had. We'd had to call an ambulance.

She's been admitted to a very good psychiatric hospital (part of the healthcare system that she's employed at) to help to stablize her medications.

They think she'll be there for a few days. I'm going to see her in a couple of hours.

Her son hasn't contacted me and isn't answering the phone when she calls. It has both of us concerned.

Keep them both in your prayers.

Thursday, May 25, 2006


Yeaak!!! Yeaak!! YEAAK!! There now I"m better.
You know you are in trouble when the doctor you work for says, "please try to keep healthly while I'm on vacation." And your shrink say "You are so delightful" and hands you a perscription for Lithium and Xanax.
I wonder what tomorrow will be like? Keeps things interesting anyway. No one can ever said my life was dull!

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Bad Things Happen to Good People

Sometimes I wonder why bad things happen to good people.
I think of JIP. Her child being so sick.
My dear friend RS wife ill, Downs daughter.
My almost "twin" PK chornic illness.

I believe I am a good person that loves others. But it seems I'm being hit right and left with "not so good stuff" Both of my children are having severe mental problems right now. I have always tried to hold everything together. That is what I'm suppose to do. But then Bang! Right between the eyes. I got blind sighted.

Big problems at work! I was demonted on Monday. Like this could be the begining of the end. The real problem I'm having is I can not concentrate at all at work. I'm laughing about a demotion in front of people. Whats that all about? This was a "set up" by a lie and I could never present the "rest of the story"

Truth is I can not stay there. Truth is my focus is nonexistence. I'm having termors in my hand at work, so bad I can't hold a cup of water or type. At least I see Dr M tomorrow.

Ok. It's time to put my money where my mouth is. I say I believe in God. Well "Humanly" or in "my own strength" I can not deal with all that is going on. I must put it in HIS hand. God says with Him all things are possible" He going to have to show me the next move!

Monday, May 22, 2006


I was just wondering how command is it to dissociate in PTSD? If peroids of time are not fequent is this a command symptom? Is a hour "missing" consider a long period of time?

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Wanda's Wings

Wanda's Wings

Your Values Profile


You value loyalty highly.

You're completely devoted to your friends and family.

Even if they totally screw up, you're still there for them.

Just make sure they're equally loyal to you!


You value honesty highly.

You're unflinchingly honest, even when it's not easy.

For you, integrity is very important - in yourself and others.

People may not always like what you say, but they know they can trust it.


You value generosity highly.

So much so that you often put your own needs last.

There's nothing wrong with having a caring heart...

But you may want to rethink your "open wallet" policy.


You value humility a fair amount.

You tend to be an easy going, humble person.

But occasionally your ego takes over.

You have a slight competitive streak - and the need to be the best.


You value tolerance highly.

Not only do you enjoy the company of those very different from you...

You do all that you can to seek it out interesting and unique friends.

You think there are many truths in life, and you're open to many of them.

Never say Never

I think I've become more relaxed and feel safer than I ever have in my life. The change? God, Friends, and Loving Support. I totally belive that no one was made to be alone. We need others. We need someone to say, "Hey, you don't have to be perfect. I love you just as you are."

When children do not grow up feeling safe, they often don't know how to react in the "adult world". They find other ways to survive. They can not trust anyone. I found myself trying to be "perfect" and "in control". This only lead to addition frustion and defeat. My self hatred grew. Life had no meaning because I could never be perfect.

Recently I spent alot of time with a pastor that accepted me "just as I was", with all my faults. A thearpist that help me look at painful events. Friends that supported me. Doctors to help regulate the biochemical inbalances.

Am I "normal" yet? I don't think so. I am happier. YES! Have I arrived? Not by far. I guess you can say "I'm a work in progress". A few doctors, a therapist, a pastor, and a few good friends might definitely agree with this last statment.

I guess the reason for this post is to let everyone know:
1. Hold on and never give up.
2. Let others support you when your too weak.
3. Somebody loves and belives in you.
4. God loves you always and formost.
5. You don't have to be perfect, be you.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Wanda's Wings

Wanda's Wings***You Are a Glazed Donut***

Okay, you know that you're plain - and you're cool with that.
You prefer not to let anything distract from your sweetness.
Your appeal is understated yet universal. Everyone dig you.
And in a pinch, you'll probably get eaten.

What Donut Are You?

Thursday, May 18, 2006


I getting very discouraged about my medications. I have had a panic disorder and depression since childhood. I belive it was created from fear. I have suffered PTSD with brief periods of dissociation since I was a teen. In my late 20 I was told I was bi-polar. I've been on several medications, all with side effects. What do I do? Get discourage and stop taken them of course! Then things get out of control. I end up in the hospital. I have "black outs" or "loose time". I hurt myself. So why do I stop? I don't know.

The new medication has caused a 9 lb weight gain in one week. My legs look like tree stumps. Let's see. Hey I could weigh over 500 lbs in a year. What a charming thought. Why can't they find a medication that works! I trying to do everything I told and it's still is not working. I am really trying to be good. WHY? Does anyone know any medications that really work? It is getting harder and harder to do my job. I don't know what to do!

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Too Far To Go Back.

As I look back over the last several months I have "felt" more than I have since I was about 12 years old. I learned a very young age that "shuting down" was far less painful. The bad thing I found is that you can't pick and chose what you want to turn off when it comes to your emotions. Both the good and the bad are equally tightly "stuffed" inside. It funny how releasing some of bad had made it possible for me to have a whole range of emotions. I spent several of the hardest months ever looking at why I was the way I am. I used to hate for anyone to touch me. Now I loved to be hugged. I laugh more, maybe cry more, and I sure do feel more. I see more hurts and pains in others and I want to help them not hurt as much.

I thank God each day that He is patient with me. I have friends that care about me. A pastor that thinks there is hope for me. One doctor that thinks he can regulate my mood swings. ( the vote is still out on that one). All in all- I'm not there, but it getting there.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Better Day

I always worry about the holidays. My least favorite have been Mother's Day and Father's Day. Well today was the best one I have had in a few years. I always had regrets that I never had a Mother-Daughter relationship with my mom. This always brought sadness and robbed me of the joy of my own children. With all our faults, I got to spend some time with each of my kids today,whom I dearly love. This was good. I spent time with my church family. This was good. I even won the "crazy hat" contest at church today. This was fun (despite the fact Pk mis lead me) . There was laughing, there where hugs, there were memories, both good and bad. A few tears, but in all, it was a good day. RS even commented that I showed up on a holiday (something I used to avoid). I hope everyone had a good day today. Hugs to all! I hope each person got to make some new joyful memories today.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Mother's Day

Mother's day is very difficult day for me. It can only be topped by fathers day. My children are a little older now. Only one still at home. I am so glad they were God's gift to me. I was told I was very lucky to have been able to have them because of internal damage.

I never remember my mother ever telling me she love me. Not once. So that is one thing I think I did right. I told them how much I loved them. I tried to tell them that every day.

There were five of us kids when I was growing. Three fathers. Two of the kids lived with Grandma most of the time. I was not that lucky. Some people should not have children. My mom, father and step dads, were people that should not. Some words are never gone once they are spoken. I'll never forget being told "You were just a wasted Fuck" Words can heal or kill.

We have a choice what we do and say.It is my choice to encourage and uplift others. Not to break them down. I want to tell all my special friends that have helped me so much. Without love and support there is nothing.

Our church is having a "funny hat" Mother's Day. I going to go there and enjoy the day. Spend time with my kids and be thankful. It has taken so many years to get here and I'm not there yet. I won't let anyone steal anymore joy out of my life. Not my past, a bad marriage, or any of that. Love to all of those that need hugs. We are not alone.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Words Make A Difference

Right now I am really struggling with some biochemical problems that make me feel so very depressed. I know in my head what is going on, but that doesn't change what I feel. Something that did help, were words spoken in kindness by two dear friends via e-mail and the phone. I posted the e-mail on my desk and carried another around in my pocket at work. Knowing that Pk & RS cared, has kept me going today. They have encourage me to relax and trust God. As I have said before trusting is not something I do. It is true what we say to each other and ourself can make such a difference in a day. Words are important. They can help heal.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Cycle of Child Abuse

The poem posted with Sunday date is one that talked about the abuse that molded my life. Child abuse in any form takes years to recover from. The damanage can be great. There is hope. Someone must say it stops here and now. If not the cycle will continue.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Not perfect

Very interesting day. Felt bad all day. Emotional and physcial. Was thinking I was not important to anyone, that stinkin' thinkin' stuff, ya know. Started talking on line to Pk and found a Bible verse. 'I am beautifully and wonderfully made." I was not looking for a verse, it was in my bill box. I think it was God's way of saying He still loves.

I don't have to be perfect. I can be hyper, sad, screw up, or what ever, but He still loves me. People may not always understand. People may be somewhat "put back", but God doesn't see it that way. I can be safe and know He loves me.

I do wish my moods would settle down. When I'm like this it so hard to think and I'm trying to work which hasn't been easy.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Family Secretes

Sad little girl, she hidding from Dad.
Hoping Mom would protect, if only Mom can.
Hiding under her blanket with tears and in fear.
No one can protect her, too many secretes here.

To say no, was a beating in the basement, oh so cold.
To school in shame, now the little girl must go.
Deep family secretes and bruises she must not show.
When daddy comes in, she no longer say no.

Broken and defeated, she now was only eight.
Daddy had moved from fondling now to rape.
The secretes remains behind doors closed, oh so tight.
The suffering she endured, it just wasn't wright.

As a teenage, she hides in fear. Her secretes no one must know.
Deep family secretes that continue to grow.
No one ever questioned why she never cried.
Deep sadness shown from her dark blue eyes.

She leaves home and marries a man just like dad.
She thought she be so happy , but she oh so sad.
The first time he hit her, she knew life had not changed.
Different players in the cast, but life remains the same.

For several years she lived under his abusive hands.
Now she has two children, thay also seemed so sad.
Why was she blinded so by this abusive man.
Family secert starting over again. Get out while she can!

A few years latter she get a dreaded call.
He was arrested for the worst abuse of all.
Molested his daughter, confessed to molesting her only sons.
The thing she want least in life, was the abuse to be passed on.

Lower Lows & Dumber Highs

I'm back, and of course, not the out come I wanted. Spent too much money, and have been crashing hard. I have tried to hid my illness by not letting any get to know me. "Keep a safe distant" and we will get along fine. The depression gets so bad all I can do is cry. That's hard to hide at work. The "up side" seems to get me in as much as the "down side"

I get so mad at myself for feeling "bullet proof". When I'm up I usally do something I regret. I wish I could get this deep pain out. It's not working today, so I'll stop writting. Maybe later.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Leaving town

I going to Texas for a few days. Sould be back Sunday in time for church. Didn't want Pk to freak. Back soon. I got to get away! Trouble

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Needing Each Other

I was one of those people that thought I didn't need anyone. I could handle anything by myself and no one would ever hurt me again. About 5 years ago I had hit rock bottom. I had detail plans to end my life. My kids would better off with the insurance money. or at least that is what I told myself. I just could no longer deal with life. A girl at work asked me to speak to her pastor. She must have saw something in my eyes that day. So in despiration I went to see him. Immediatly he had three strikes against him.

  1. He was male. I had not had any good experiences with any male in my life.
  2. He was a pastor. I didn't trust those money grabbers.
  3. He seemed nice. He had to have an agenda.

When I left the office he said he would call me the next day. I thought to myself, "Yah right!" But something kept me from killing myself that night. The next day he did call. I was shocked because this man didn't know me at all. It was the first time I had ever seen him. He actual did what he said he was going to do. This was the first step to starting to tear down a protective wall I had built around myself.

If I had not meet Pastor Randy, I would not be alive today. It took me almost 4 years talking with him before I really started to fully trust him. He was patient and kind. This was a new experience for me to find someone who accepted me "as I was", broken, defeated, but loved me anyway.

Each of us meet people each day that are hurting and broken. A smile, or a kind word could save someone life. For me it began with a very kind person keeping his word and calling me.

Monday, May 01, 2006


I knew I've been struggling for the past several days. Two of my dearest friends felt something was wrong yesterday. PK and RS. PK was very in tune that there was something that just was NOT right. I though I could continue to pull it off. I've been pushing too hard for the last three weeks. Duty, resonsibilty, and "staying in control". I've kept my word. I took my meds as prescribed, ( the entire hand full!) I have not cut, drove crazy, drank, put my fist through glass, spent too much money, or purged. So I guess I didn't toally fail.

It seems the physcial problems (Lupus, Thyroid problem, Chronic fatique, HTN, and asthma) are figthing the mental problems (PTSD, bi-polar, panic disorder, dissociate disorder and ED) I tried going to bed early at 8 PM last night and did go right to sleep. When the alarm went off at 5 AM I could not get up. I was going to push it and try for 6 AM. I was hurting so bad and so exhausted I still couldn't make it, so I called in sick. I just don't call in sick! I went back to sleep for another 6 hours. I just got up and it was all I could do to carry a bag of trash to the street. WHAT is WRONG WITH ME? I'm taking my meds. I'm being "good".

I'm always responsible. Well at least the "bad" things I do are always hidden. I can not belive this, but I'm still exhaused, so I'm going to lie back down. Can anyone relate to this or am I just totally whacko?