I can't say I am sorry to see 2011 leave. It has been a rough year for me. Three hospitalizations, financial woes, and a number of other problems. I can not however forget how wonderful people have been this year to me and been so kind.
The year 2012 brings hope of a better tomorrow My daughter is now here with me.. I am surrounded by friends, both cyber and real life and I have a glimmer of hope in my eyes.
With all the hectic things that go on this time of the year it is easy to forget the kindness of others. I am so thankful for all the kindness from people in my life. People have really stepped up to show their kindness. The other night a dear friend brought chilli for dinner for Alice and I because they knew we were both down and under. I just have to be thankful for all those in my life that accept me spite of all my faults and mental illness.
Oh my gosh! It's December 14 and only 11 days to Christmas. I am so not ready! I am never this far behind!
Today is going to be a busy day. I must Christmas shop, mail my Christmas cards, and pay bills. This post is going to be very short and sweet. I am wishing everyone is more organized than I have been.
I just spent 10 days in the hospital getting my medication adjusted. I see my doctor tomorrow. I think I am way too sedated. I am exhausted and am trying to help my daughter post op from her knee surgery. She want me to let everyone know where her new blog is. It's www.alicep.com. She would love to have some visitors to her blog. I will slowly try to get around to everyone blog to catch up when I can keep my eyes open. lol
Well did anyone do the black Friday shopping thing? If so did you get any of the wonderful deals? In days gone by I have done the madness, but not this year. I guess I just to old for that kind of thing! My idea of black Friday is rest and clean up from the day before. Boring.I know. LOL I guess that is what I have become in my mature years.
I am trying to keep it together for everybody else on this Thanksgiving holiday. I'm cooking, having guests, and everything else that you are suppose to do. But my heart is deeply sadden without Chris here to enjoy the season. Thanksgiving was one of his favorite times. He loved the turkey and green bean casserole. He always wanted a turkey leg. This year I don't think anyone else will. I miss my baby so badly, but don't want to spoil the day for everyone else. Why is my heart breaking so? Memories are still so painful. He had such a beautiful smile it just would light up the room. I'm really hurting on the inside.
I finally slept some last night and feel a tiny bit better. I need sleep so desperately. I need to get some rest so I can attack what life is throwing at me. I feel like I'm in a fog. Sleep deprivation is a real pain in the behind.
On brighter news I had lunch with a couple of friends from church. We went to Ihop and had the senior special omelet. It sure was yummy. It sure is nice to have friends to share with.
I think I have blogger's block. I'm not sure if it's because I am depressed and just hate to let out those emotions or what. I don't want to stop blogging and just disappear like so many blogs do, but I am really struggling to know if there is anything else left to say or if this is going to pass in time. Blogging has always helped me express my feeling in a safe environment. I enjoy reading what others are thinking and feeling. Right now I feel sad and alone. I have always wanted my blog to be a place to share, encourage others, and a place of healing. I want my blog to be a hopeful place. I just so tired right now mentally and physically. I just can't give up. I will continue to write and share no matter how difficult it is.
I just want to say I am so thankful for all that have given so much .
Today we enjoy freedom to live in the worlds greatest country. We have so much to be thankful for. To all that have served and the families that have given so much. Thank you!
I'm going to a support group tonight for parents that have lost a child. I've been struggling and hope to get a boast of strength from the meeting. I want to make this a good Holiday season for Alice. We are planing on having one guest for Thanksgiving. I want to make it special for Alice. She is so excited. We always had a big dinner on Thanksgiving and put up a Christmas tree that night. Last year Alice was across the country and I spent the day at a friends house so I would not be alone. Things just aren't the same with Chris gone. I miss him so much. It's like it was yesterday on some days.
Oklahoma had it biggest earthquake ever. A 5.6. I know that might not sound like much but for Oklahoma it was a "big one". Our mobile home really shook and the sound was like a big truck or train was right on top of us. We didn't know what it was and all my area got was the after shock. There was some damage to some homes and roads. It is just so rare here. We didn't have any damage, but my friend in Oklahoma City had some minor damage.
I'm not sleeping again and my thoughts are running to the dark side again. My therapist thought I might need to be in the hospital again for a short term stabilization.She had me leave word with my doctor although I see him Monday. Being manic with the mixture of depressive thoughts racing in my mind is very uncomfortable. I try to be positive and fill my head with positive thoughts, but it hard when you are dealing with a chemical imbalance. I'm holding on to my friends with all my might.
I don't know what up (or down) with me lately. :) I fell again last night. At least I didn't break anything! I'm just very sore all over and have a few bruises. Blue is suppose to be my color. LOL. I have had two bad falls this year. The first one I broke my foot. I just don't know why this is happening. Maybe I just try to move too fast or something. Enough about my gracefulness.
Seems that there are a lot less trick or treat children out each year. I think this is sad because it used to be such a fun time for kids. We did have a cute little monkey carried by his daddy that came last night. Now the question is what to do with all the left over candy?
Healing takes time, patience, work, therapy, and God. I believe the broken can be restored and healed. I believe I am a work in progress. I'm taking steps to be whole and as I grow possibly inspire others along the way.
Tears can be healing. I cried a lot in my therapy session today. I feel we pulled out some of the pain and filled it with positive affirmations. I am a good person. I can be a positive influence on others. I am OK! I still believe if I can help anyone in there journey then this blog is not a waste of time.
I find writing or blogging an excellent way to cope with stress. Sometime when things are really bad I have a hard time doing anything. Currently I am really trying to change the old tapes in my head. That can be so hard.
My old tapes say:
Nobody could love you
You deserve every bad thing that happens
You deserve to be hurt or abused
Over time these tapes have played in my head since I was a child. It hard for me to think that even God could love me. How am I working on changing these tapes?
Working on my eating plan
Being around positive people
Blogging about my feeling
If I can help one other person realize that they are special then I have been a success. I am determined to be more than my past abuse. I will overcome. I will love and be loved.
I really don't know what going on with me, but I feel a bit lost right now. I am really having trouble focusing on doing anything. Has any one else just felt like they are going through the motions of day to day life without really knowing what they are doing? That is what I'm feeling. I guess I need to talk to my therapist about it. I am very calm right now. I am concerned because I am normally so driven to do something. I say I'm calm, but my body is shaking as I set here and type. I just feel strange! Just want to let everyone know I'm still around.
I took a short break from blogging because I have just been struggling. I'm doing a little better since I finally got some sleep. Yeah!. Took a short road trip with a friend and that was nice. We didn't do a lot, but it was a small break from the day to day struggle. I am so thankful to all of my blogging friends that support me. It really means a lot. I know I am going to make it and that is what is important.
Seems I have had just too much going on recently. I am stressed to the max, but am trying to take it one day at a time. I have to go to a funeral service today and am hoping I can hold it together. I will share more later, because I am having such a hard time organizing my thoughts. I just want to let people know I need their support and prayers right now
My psychiatrist is adjusting my mood stabilizer because he thinks I am in a "mixed episode." He feels that is why I am not sleeping, I know this is not my typical manic episode, because I am not having fun. I am adjusting the medicine for two days and if still not sleeping again on the third day. I have to see him again in one week. I am just hoping I will start sleeping again, This is really getting old.
Why are some people so mean? My daughter recently stopped blogging and close her face book account because of mean hateful statements. I was shocked at some of the statements. Here are some of them.
Why don't you f*** off and die
You are a waste of space
You are not even a girl you are an "it"
How can some people be so mean and hateful? Alice did not ask to be born with both sex organs. It just is a fact of her life. I asked her if she wanted me to remove her story from my blog and she said no. She is not ashamed of who she is. I am so hurt that people can be so mean. I hate the pain she endures because she was born different. Hate is such an ugly thing and it cause so much pain, Again my question is why?
Oh how much I need a good night sleep. I just don't sleep.My psychiatric is worried that I do not sleep and wanted me to do a sleep study. I took the test and after 2 sleeping pills still only slept for 1.5 hours. The sleep specialist wants to repeat the study and really knock me out with anxiety medicine and sleeping pills so they can get a better idea of what is going on. I have to have some one drive me to and from the test because of the amount of medicine I will be taking, Maybe they will come up with some answer and I can finally sleep. Yeah! Everyone needs sleep.
If there is one thing I am sure of it is life can be hard. There are things that happen to each of us that are hurtful, unfair, and even criminal. I wonder who I would be if I had not faced so much adversity. I consider myself a kind and loving person. I admit that I can be guarded and not the most trusting individual.
Child abuse is one of the most horrific things that can happen to a child. The person is forever changed. How damaged am I? I don't know that words can express the damage that has been done. I have seen and read others stories and they seem to have totally healed. I have read others who are more deeply effected than myself. Yet I know that it effects my entire being and myself worth almost daily. Yes I have healed some. I want to reach out to those that wounds are still raw and opened.
What keeps me going? A hope for a better tomorrow. My faith in God that total healing and restoration will one day be mine. Not only for myself but for all that have suffered at the hands of an abuser. Some day we will see things clearly without the tint of this earthly pain. I am convinced that this story is not over yet and I will help other through tremendous losses.
It's been a long month (5 weeks since payday). I hate trying to make the money last the extra week. It is hard. I had to cancel my therapy appointment because I didn't have enough money to go. I get paid tomorrow and boy will I ever be glad. The old kitchen cabinets are getting bear. LOL
Our church has started "life groups" and I joined a group on Sunday. I think it is going to be a good experience. There are about 12 people in the group. We eat together and have a short Bible study and pray for each other. I am kind of shy so I didn't say to much in the group, but I think it is going to be good for me to make more friends.
I am going to try and go to Compassionate Friends group Thursday night. It is a group for those that have lost a child. I haven't been in several months,but am feeling the need to go.
I'm really trying to stay upbeat right now. Life is not very good right now and I am fighting depression big time. I keep looking at my "grateful journal" and realize that I do have things to be thankful for. Depression clouds what one sees and I know that it is a uphill battle. I still believe it is worth fighting. Depression would like to destroy and kill me, but I can NOT let that happen. I hate the suicidal voice that is in my head. I battle him frequently. Today is national suicide prevent day and I will not become a "sad" number on some chart. I can win by doing life one minute at a time.
When things look bad, hope is what keeps me going. Struggling with depression can leave one hopeless. The thing to remember is what a difference a small amount of time can make. Looking hard sometimes to find what we are thankful for. Do we have a roof over our head? Do we have something to eat? Are there those that care for us? Many times life can look so bad and things seem to be at the bottom. Hope keeps us going, Hold on to that thread no matter how small it may seem. I fight suicidal thoughts frequently. I know the despair of thinking things can not be worst. Keep safe, what ever it takes because there is a tomorrow and that might be the day when things change. I write this for all that suffer from depression, because depression make things feel hopeless. As we help one another the world is a better place. Hope keeps us alive!
Woke up this morning to a cool breezes and made me think of fall. What is more fall than a big orange pumpkin? It just put me in a calm peaceful mood. I feel so alive today. This simple sketch just reelects my mood. Have a great weekend and enjoy life today.
The best part of my life has been the last few years. I have found a community of people that truly care through my church. We all need someone from time to time to lean on. With a history of abuse it is so hard to let your defenses down and let someone in your life. It sometimes seems safer not to let anyone close to you. That is such a lonely way to live. We were not meant to live life isolated. I'm grateful that I am finally comfortable enough with myself to let some other people get close to me. Blogging is also a great way to meet people and open up your heart for friendship. I have met so many people through blogging that I truly care about. It is a wonderful way to meet and care for others.
This song keeps going through my head because it has been a Manic Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. My daughter and I did a 6 hour road trip at 3 AM today and I still haven't been to sleep. I been getting less that 2 hours sleep for the last several days. I not really tired, but know what is to come later. Oh well this too shall pass. It just part of being me!
I have so many people being kind to me right now. I just don't get why I am so sad all the time. It's all I can do to keep from crying. My psychiatrist thinks it's because I'm not sleeping. I'm seeing a sleep specialist next week and will most likely have a sleep study later on in the month. I am tired all the time and am so weak. I was thinking my doctor might need to check my lupus panel. I just know I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Therapy is going okay. It has been intense at times, but I don't think that is the problem. She is wanting me to use my art to try and express some of the pain of my childhood. I have done a little work in this area, but not with this therapist. I really like her and thinks she is truly concerned about me.
I am not getting to work out as often as I would like to. I did work out Sunday and I am hoping to go work out tomorrow, but we only have one car that is running right now and Alice has an appointment. We will just have to see what plays out tomorrow. I haven't been able to afford the right kind of food. I am so frustrated with the whole eating thing I am about ready to give up. I know that will never happen because I am so obsessed with food. I think if I was eating better my mood might be better/
I woke up today crying and missing Chris. I realized it has been 18 months ago to this day that I lost Chris,
I picture him today in heaven as he was before he had agoraphobia. Happy and working on God's computer system. I know I might think differently than a lot of people, but I think Heaven will be like the happiest time of your life. Maybe I am crazy, but it is how I feel, Chris with a laptop having a blast.
Today my job is to experience life and enjoy Alice. Someday we will all be together again. I just know this i my heart.
I have been having a hard time blogging recently. I don't really know why. It seems like my brain has gone into a sleep mode. I know I have been fighting depression, but this is just crazy . I have been spending some time drawing recently.
My nerves have been shot since someone tried to break in our back door. We are having to replace the door. I am hoping these two nice men form the church will be able to install the door. The replacement door was expensive enough!
Working out always make me feel better. I just got back form the gym and that always lifts my mood. Getting those "good feeling" brain chemicals flowing. It also make me feel better about myself for getting up when I just don't feel like it.
I have been drawing more recently and that is a good stress reliever for me also. We are planning on going to the SPCA tomorrow and work the cat room. We work on socializing the cats so they will be more adoptable. My BP has been better on the higher dosage of medicine. I really want to take a diet pill, but my primary care doctor won't do it without an OK for my psychiatric doctor. My weight has been going up and I am freaking out. I just have to do the best I can. That is really all anyone can do.
Therapy was rough today. My therapist thinks I am kind of unstable due to the lack of rest.She asked if I took sleeping pills and I told her no. She suggested I try some over the counter medicine to help me sleep. I saw my primary care physician yesterday and she was concerned about my blood pressure running so high. It was 170/100 but I'm really stressed right now. I admit I'm exhausted but there is just a lot going on right now. I would like to pull the covers over my head and not face the world, but that just doesn't work that well. I am trying to count my blessing and I do have a lot to be thankful for. Depression and exhaustion can make you forget, which I refuse to give in to these things!
I am so blessed to have some good friends! A young man from my my church came by this evening with his son and did my lawn care. I had been paying to have it done, but they did it free and without any strings attached. Thank you J you are a gem.
For a while I was feeling all alone in the world, but a few wonderful people have stepped up and made me feel that I am a good person and that I have something to offer. I am so thankful for the kindness these people bring to my life. Words can be so empty, but when you put deeds in action that is the true Christ like spirit.
I have made many friends in the blogging world that offer up encouragement and support to me daily. I feel so very blessed that so many people have a true kind heart. My life has been hard, but when I see the goodness in others it bring hope and joy to my heart.
Last night I had to take my daughter to ER. She started vomiting and couldn't keep anything down. They pumped her full of IV fluids and gave her pain medicine for her fall the day before. She had a bruised tail bone and was suffering from heat exhaustion. She is much better today.
I have been putting the finishing touch on the house today, because we have a showing at 2 pm.. The market is so depressed right now we haven't been showing the house that often, I am almost ready to pull it off the market for a while.
I'm tired today from being up so late in the ER, but other wise OK. Not much else happening right now,so I will check in later.
Bear Cub With Flowers
Taking Time To Smell The Flowers
Today is mine and my daughter's birthday. No I am not telling how old I am.. lol. I got the best present form S. She gave me a bag full of art supplies. I used the drawing pencils and the water colors on the above work. My daughter and I are going to have Chinese for lunch and Turtle Cheese Cake for out Birthday,
My daughter is happy as a clam. This car dealer was doing this crazy super used car sale. People lined up 12-15 hours before the sale to camp out by the car they wanted. She was determined to get a good deal on a used car for her birthday and she did. I am so happy for her. I'm looking forward to the rest of the day.
Therapy was particularly intense today. We talked about the time my father in law rapped me. My therapist was shocked and horrified by the story. We talked about a new way to try and stop the flashbacks.It something I had never done before "Stand up and yell leave me the **** alone. I'm safe" She also wants me to watch a "Leave It To Beaver" type show everyday. Showing what a loving family might look like. We talked about how the childhood sexual abuse "Set me up to be a victim" Below is a recommended article on flashbacks.
By Laurieann Chutis, A.C.S.W.
What are they? Flashbacks are memories of past traumas. They may take the form of pictures, sounds, smells, body sensations, feelings or the lack of them (numbness). Many times there is no actual visual or auditory memory. One may have the sense of panic, being trapped, feeling powerless with no memory stimulating it. These experiences can also happen in dreams. As a child (or adolescent), we had to insulate ourselves from the emotional and physical horrors of the trauma. In order to survive, that insulated child remained isolated, unable to express the feelings and thoughts of that time. It is as though we put that part into a time capsule until it comes out full-blown in the present. When that part comes out, the little one is experiencing the past as if it were happening today. As the flashback occurs, it is as if we forget that we have an adult part available to us for reassurance, protection and grounding. The intense feelings and body sensations occurring are so frightening because the feelings/sensations are not related to the reality of the present and many times seem to come from nowhere. We begin to think we are crazy and afraid of telling anyone (including our therapist) of these experiences. We feel out of control and at the mercy of our experiences. We begin to avoid situations, and stimuli, that we think triggered it. Many times flashbacks occur during any form of sexual intimacy, or it may be a person who has similar characteristics to the perpetrator, or it may b a situation today that stirs up similar trapped feelings (confronting aggressive people). If you are feeling small...you are experiencing a flashback. If you are experiencing stronger feelings than are called for in the present situation...you are experiencing a flashback. Flashbacks are normal Vietnam vets have normalized this experience and have coined the term post traumatic stress syndrome. Even the diagnostic category book for psychiatry defines post traumatic stress syndrome as the normal experience of all people experiencing an event that is outside the range of normal human experience. Flashbacks feel crazy because the little one doesn't know that there is an adult survivor available to help. What helps
Tell yourself that you are having a flashback.
Remind yourself that the worst is over. The feelings and sensations you are experiencing are memories of the past. The actual event took place long ago when you were [younger] and you survived. Now it is time to let out that terror, rage, hurt and/or panic. Now is the time to honor your experience.
Get grounded. This means stamping your feet on the ground so that the little one knows you have feet and can get away if you need to. ([If the trauma occurred as a child]. . . you couldn't get away: Now you can.}
Breathe. When we get scared we stop normal breathing. As a result, our body begins to panic from the lack of oxygen. Lack of oxygen in itself causes a great deal of panic feelings: pounding in the head, tightness, sweating, feeling faint, shakiness, dizziness. When we breathe deeply enough, a lot of the panic feeling can decrease. Breathing deeply means putting your hand on your diaphragm and breathing deeply enough so that your diaphragm pushes against your hand and then exhaling so that the diaphragm goes in.
Reorient to the present. Begin to use your five senses in the present. Look around and see the colors in the room, the shapes of things, the people near, etc. Listen to the sounds [around you]: your breathing, traffic, birds, people, cars, etc. Feel your body and what is touching it: your clothes, your own arms and hands, the chair or floor supporting you.
Speak to the little one and reassure him/her. It is very healing to get your adult in the now, that you can get out if you need to, that it is OK to feel the feelings of long ago without reprisal. The child needs to know that it is safe to experience the feelings/sensations and let go of the past.
Get in touch with your needs for boundaries. Sometimes when we are having a flashback we lose the sense of where we leave off and the world begins; as if we do not have skin. Wrap yourself in a blanket, hold a pillow or stuffed animal, go to bed, sit in a closet... any way that you can feel yourself truly protected from the outside.
Get support. Depending on your situation, you may need to be alone or may want someone near you. In either case, it is important that your close ones know about flashbacks so they can help with the process, whether that means letting you be by yourself or being there.
Take time to recover. Sometimes flashbacks are very powerful. Give yourself the time to make the transition from this powerful experience. Don't expect yourself to jump into adult activities right away. Take a nap, or a warm bath, or some quiet time. Do not beat yourself up for having a flashback. Appreciate how much your little one went through. . . .
Honor your experience. Appreciate yourself for having survived that horrible time [when you were younger]. Respect your body's need to experience those feelings of long ago.
Be patient. It takes time to heal the past. It takes time to learn appropriate ways of taking care of self., of being an adult who has feelings, and developing effective ways of coping in the here and now.
Find a competent therapist. Look for a therapist who understands the processes of healing from [trauma: incest, rape, war.] A therapist can be a guide, a support, a coach in this healing process. You do not have to do it alone . . . ever again.
Join a self-help group. Survivors are wonderful allies in this process of healing. It is a healing thing to share your process with others who understand so deeply what you are going through.
"You bleed just to know your alive" " And I don't want the world to see me 'cause I don't think they would understand.. When everything made to be broken. I just want you to know who I am." Some deep pain that I can relate to so much.
Dr M explained to me today that what I was feeling was largely do to coming down from an extreme mania. My body and my mind need time to "recover". Extra sleep was not a bad thing, He said that my bipolar disorder was on the more extreme end and would require medication for the rest of my life. That it doesn't improve with age and that left untreated would become worst. I had the idea that it would improve by it self with age. He ask me where I got that idea from. He wanted to make sure I keep on the higher dose of Abilify He said lowering the dose could cause me to rebound into mania or depression. So I guess I will try to chill out and keep working the program. He continued the same dosage of mood stabilizers and antidepressant today and want to see me in two weeks. I see my therapist tomorrow. I guess I share my "dark" feelings for her. I guess this is my "normal". I was hoping for better. Will see you all later and will try to make Lemon-aid out of my life.