|You Are a Newborn Soul|
On the flip side, you're easy to read and easily influenced by others.
You have a fresh perspective on life, and you can be very creative.
Noconformist and nontraditional, you've never met anyone who's like you.
Inventive and artistic, you like to be a trendsetter.
You have an upbeat spirit and you like almost everything.
You make friends easily and often have long standing friendships.
Implusive and trusting, you fall in love a little too easily.
Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
As a child, I laid awake alone in my bed.
Wondering if this would be a night of peace or of dread?
I would hold my pillow to my chest oh so tight.
And pray no one would come through that door each night.
I was only a little gril, not even the age of ten.
Already I felt there is no way I could win.
Still I would try to fight with all my might.
Bursied and wounded, I made it through another night.
Lying still in the darkness, as quite as a mouse.
I would listen for every sound and moan in the house.
I prayed and cried alone each and every night,
For strength to endured the pain and to make things right.
It's hard to remember a life without fear.
I wondered the reason God put me down here.
To keep them safe, I knew this was right.
The protector I became, but no one saw
All the abuse and tourture behind those walls.
I look back and remember a little girl and childhood gone.
Did the pain and suferring really make me strong?
One thing I know now, is the abuse must stop right here.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Being in control has always been an issue for me every since I became an adult. Control was a way for me to show, that "I was OK" and could do anything that needed to be done. Work was where I would "shine". I was a company's dream. The classic workaholic! I had to be the best, the most dependable, and the hardest worker. The last several days or weeks, I have realized that I can not be in control of everything. My health has taken a downward spin. Being a workaholic was most likely the biggest trigger.
My stress level is off the charts and this has really impacted my health. I had my "life" all planned out. I knew I would work "x" many more years and have "y" number of dollars saved for retirement. Well that's all out the window. Now tell me why, when I feel like "****" does my mind think this would be a wonderful time for me to start remembering more about my "wonderful childhood." Thank you very much, I was quite content with things the way they were. I just want all the voices in my head to shut up and give me time to figure out this stuff. Now tha I've spilled my guts, I'll cry some more and forget this stuff for a little while.
Monday, June 26, 2006
The last several days I have tried to stay "up beat" and positive. It's been rough! What's going on? I feel I'm in a war right now. It seems everything is under attack.( Body, Mind, and Soul)
- Physically I am struggling. I'm in a lot of pain, my BP is too high, my heart rate is jumping up to 150-170 beats per minute for short intervals. I am totally exhausted
- I am an emotional "basket case". I'm trying to laugh every thing off by being a clown. At least that away people won't see how much things are bothering me.
- Several memories have been triggered and I'm not coping with that either. I cry at a drop of a hat, so I'm trying to laugh and joke around so I won't cry.
- Work is killing me emotionally and physically.
- I'm "spacing out" and forgetting to do everything.
- I am quickly going broke. I'm spending everything on medical bills and medicine.
- I really need hugs, but am pulling away from everyone What I want and need most I'm hiding from.
Why when you need people the must do you isolate. Why is it so hard to get out of bed? Why do you cry everytime your mind slips into neutral?
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Going to the doctor when you are not feeling well is a big mistake! I haven't felt well for the last several days. My PCP was concern so he sent me to a specialist. My question is how can someone that has spent only 5 minutes with you know anything about you! Needless to say I was not impressed with the doctor or my visit.
It also seems, in the medical field, there are at least two areas that doctors are quick to make assumptions about.
- If you are over weight that "is really the only problem you could possibly have." Excuse me. I have been over weight my entire life and "this problem" has nothing to do with that. Please there is more to the story than "I'm Fat!" Let's at least look beyond that one issue!
- Forbid that you might be taking any medications for a mental illness. The only answer then is "Are you sure you are not depressed?" Give me a break! Not everything is about depression. I do know when I am depressed. Gee, I should be an expert on that, since I have delt with it since childhood. Please do not assume that just because some has a mental illness that they know nothing about their own body. People with mental illness just have one addition "issue" to deal with.
I really felt sorry for "Dr M" who I saw after the "specialist". I was fussing about the medication he gave me "causing" the problems. He is so nice and understanding! After the theary session he hug me and said "It's going to be Ok." It a good thing there are few doctors you can trust. At least I found two good ones! (My PCP and Dr M)
Monday, June 19, 2006
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Father's Day is one day that has been blotted off my "celebration list" for a very long time. I guess I'm writting because I know there are other people out there that feel the same way I do. Someone that was abused as a child can have difficulty with any Holiday. A Holiday the "honors" one of your abuser can be almost too much for the mind to handle. I also did a poor job picking a faher for my children. Therefore I do not have any good memories associated with the word "Father".
Today was the first Father's Day I have been to church in many of years. I thought I would be alright since I do have a wonderful heavenly Father. I didn't do as well as I had hoped. We saw two "mini" videos: "What My Father Taught Me" and "Things My Father Used To Tell Me". I cried through the entire video's. I finally got up a left the santuray because I was afraid my crying would disturb someone.
As I listen to the videos, I looked back and remember what an abuser teaches a child. As a child I very clearly heard some things that have taken my a life time of work to "unlearn". Below I have listed some of the messages an abused child is taught.
- I am not important, I have no rights.
- Saying "no" only causes additional pain.
- I have no boundaries of my own.
- I am here to be used by others.
- I not worth anything.
- I must be a terrible person and deserve what ever I get.
- God must feel the same way about me, since he is a heavenly "Father".
All of the above beliefs are not true. These messages can be rewritten, by knowing what God says about each of us. It takes time and a lot of work to learn who you were intended to be. Change can and does happen. It happen by individuals taking a stand against abuse. Abuse hurts, and we must each do what we can to stop it.
Friday, June 16, 2006
Time is a gift we have to spend. How we invest our time effect all of our relationships and every other asspect of our life. Today I got to spend most of the morning with my youngest son and this afternoon with my oldest child. I really enjoyed being with them. They are now early twenties and no longer my "little babies". My oldest, I don't see very often, so it was fun going to the garages sales. Then we went to the "Parade of Homes".
I look back and remember when they were young. Learning to ride a bike, swimming, baseball, and karate. Teaching Chris to pitch and play T-ball. Looking back I wish I had worked less and spent more time with my kids. That time "has been spent" and it can never be recalled.
God gives us 24 hours each day. We then decide what we will do with it. I want each day to be meaningful. I want to live and love others. I want to look at flowers, laugh, and play. I want to see the beauty in the world and bring joy to others. I want my time to be well spent!
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Over and over again, it's like the thoughts are telling to "put your hand through a glass window" or some other harmful behavior. Sometimes I just lay in my bed crying, praying, and quoting Bible verses. I'm not sure how to explain this any better, but was wondering if anyone else might have had this happen to them. I would welcome any ideas on this subject.
Monday, June 12, 2006
So many times we get so busy that we forget what is important in our lives. Work, money, and possessions have little meaning without friends. Friendship take time to develop. It's not an accident. Someone I admire greatly once said to me, "To have a friend, you must be a friend." Being a friend involes some risks. You open yourself up and there is a possibility of being "hurt". Friendship comes with trust and feeling safe. A friends is someone who loves you, encourages you, and stands by you in spite of all your faults. Friends are one of God greatest gifts. I am so blessed to have friends that care deeply about me. A few years ago, I thought it was too "risky" to reach out and build friendships. Now as I see the faces of my friends, I know friendship is one of the most important things in life.
Sunday, June 11, 2006
A good friend (who we will call YH) called last Thursday and stated she had a leave town for a friend "who wasn't doing very well" and wanted me to go with her for the drive. Well I was very tired, but YH would do anything for me, so I said "sure". I assumed it was her brother's wife, who had recent surgery.
After working 12 hours, I went home, packed a few things, and drove to her house. Since it was late we decided that we would leave first thing in the morning. Still no wiser we got up the next morning and headed out.
After we had driven for awhile I notice we weren't go toward Texas, but in the oppsite direction. She started laughing at me and said "you are the one, not doing well!" YH continued to state she was taking me to Eureka Spring for the weekend and I was not allowed to worry about anything. She paid for everything, so I had no out of pocket expenses.
We had a great time. We walked & walked through all the little stores. We went to a Jamboree, saw a "hauted hotel", and just plain had a blast. Late our frist night we were sitting by the pool, and since I thought we were going to care for a sick friend, I had no swiming suit. Oh well, we were the only ones at the pool, the moon was full, and I was feeling a little crazy. I then "howled at the moon" and jumped in the pool fully clothed. Oh yes, I guess I am a little crazy!
The next day we went on a horse and buggy ride. We looked at flowers and just laughed at everything. It so beautiful in Eureka, the hills, flowers, and cool spring waters. I have to believe this "trick" turned out to be a real "treat".
Thursday, June 08, 2006
PK, if you read this before I call don't freak. I will call you before I head out this afternoon.
I shall return shorly.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Monday, June 05, 2006
|You Are Sunrise|
You are a person of reflection and meditation. You start and end every day by looking inward.
Caring and giving, you enjoy making people happy. You're often cooking for friends or buying them gifts.
All in all, you know how to love life for what it is - not for how it should be.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
There are things that happen to us that causes life to be much more difficult. When hope is totally lost, life becomes an endurance contest that you do not care if you win or loose.
Several months ago I started journeying to a happier and more peaceful life. What I have found that the things has helped me the most are as follows:
- Good physicians.
- Intense counseling
- Support of friends and family
- Friends that accept you "just like you are"
- A supportive church
- A Pastor that genuinely cares
- Writting poems
- Making new friends
- Helping others
- Rest and Medication
- Trusting a loving God, who cares about every part of my life.
I truley belive if there was even the smallest hope for me, there is hope for everyone. I friend sent me the beautiful picture someone that has walked each step of this new journey with me. The poem below shows how I'm beginning to change.
Together they are tearing down the wall of stone.
Saturday, June 03, 2006
Friday, June 02, 2006
Some things happen in each of our lives that will change us forever. Child molestation and child abuse are only two of these event, but they are the two issues I want to write about tonight. It can change the face of a child for a long time. I looked for a photo of me smiling after the abuse started and I couldn't find a single one, until after my step-dad left.
Many studies have been done that state children that were molested are much more likely to molest as an adult or become a "victim" of other abusive relationships.
The mind of a child is a very wonderful thing. It protects the child. It allows the child to "lock" the information away that is too painful to process at a young age. At 18 years old , after 14 years of abuse, I had a "nervous break down". I hit the delete button and erased my past. I really did not remember anything!
You would think that would have solved the problems, but it did not. I followed the predicted path and married an abusive man. It just seemed "normal" even with no real memories of my past. I found later in my life that my "X" was also molested as a child and become a child molester himself.
After the birth of my first child, I started having nightmares and flash backs. I would end up places without knowing how I got there. My file cabinet that had been so tightly locked, began spitting out these hidden images. I believed these where "just dreams" and could "get on with my life". Then my 2nd child was born. This time things were terrible. I ended up being admitted to a mental hospital for several days.
From the hospital I called both a brother and my sister. They both confrimed these things did happen. One said "That was a long time ago. What difference does it make now? My dad was a jerk and I pissed on his grave." My sister was so shocked that I did not remember anything. She too had been molested, but stated Grandma "stopped him from hurting her anymore." (She also had her demons to fight with this issue.)
I have been in and out of thearpy several times. I'm better than I ever been in my life. I have a great support system of friends and my church. God is healing the wounds. I would encourage anyone to continue with what ever it takes to heal. It is well worth it. Never give up. As each of us grow stronger we will continue to help others along their journeys too. That is what life is all about, helping others.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
1.I'm very proud of my dear friend PK for doing two very difficult tasks in the last 24 hours.
2. No matter what, I belive God is still in control.
3. I have the best friends in the world. 3-D and Cyber
4. I have two kids that I love dearly.
1.I'm letting people get to me at work about the new "reorganization" of work. I belive more are supportive than not, but this has been hard.
1.Another medications reactions! I'm swollen like a toad frog. My hands are shaking and my lips are twitching. Very pretty! I may just have to have mood swings the way it looks. Talking with the doctor again tomorrow.
Conculsion the GOOD is still better than the "Bad & Ugly"