Sunday, March 27, 2011

Back Soon

Going our of town for a wedding, Will be back soon,

Friday, March 25, 2011

Some Art To Relax Me

This is my Easter Bunny Chick

Some roses from my bedroom

Spring Cherry Blossoms

Kitty in hot water.

I think I'm going to spend some time drawing to help relieve my stress. I have some paper for sketches and a couple of canvas I could start painting again, Just for fun and keep my mind off  some of the stress in my life. Oooh  this really helps me relax!! I'm no pro, but this is fun!!!! I can't sleep so I'm on this drawing kick.

Sadden And Discouraged

I feel sadden and discouraged today. My health just seems to be getting worst. I not having any luck selling the mobile home. My daughter is deeply depressed.  I am currently fasting diet pop and chocolate until Easter to increase my faith. It's hard right now because I still miss Chris' so much. I don't understand why he was taken and it hurts.

Funny thing but I'm suppose to write my mood down on my food journal and it is usually anxiety or depression. My therapist was very happy with my meal plans and my primary care doctor was happy with my weight when I saw her. I'm waiting on my lab results today and am anxious to see what they show.

I going to visit Y Sunday for a week. Her grandson is getting married and sent me an invitation. I'm so broke that  I'm going to have to be careful. With the cost of gas and everything. I will have to tell Y I can't afford to go out and eat. I'm sure she will understand.

On the brighter side my middle brother called and said they may come down this summer to visit. That would be great. Always need to look for the bright spots. I'll try to update you on what my doctor says before I leave town.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Not Feeling Well

I finally made an appointment to see my primary care physician. My heart rate has been very rapid and my blood pressure running high: plus I'm exhausted all the time. She started me on new blood pressure medicine and something to slow down my heart. She also did a lot of lab test because my last test showed anemia. The medicine I took last night did drop my heart rate down below 100 for the first time in weeks, but my blood pressure is still pretty high this morning. She is concerned that my autoimmune disease may because the fatigue and anemia, but my heart is working too hard.  Gross, gross, gross. I have to do two stool samples to check to see if I was bleeding. In short I have been feeling so bad I have not posted recently.

Monday, March 21, 2011

I'm Stressed

I'm stressed out of my ever loving mind and don't have a clue for what any of the answers are for everything that is going on in my life. I see my therapist today. I am going to try and touch on all the confusion and stress in my life as well as go over the eating journal. I can't sleep and am totally out of control. I am afraid I am going to relapse. I'm trying to pray, but it seems like empty words just hitting the ceiling. I just want to drown all my sorrows and I know I can NOT do that. There are just so many questions right now that I don't have answers to. I know this is effecting my health. My blood pressure and heart rate are both running too high. I keep telling myself you can do this, but believing  it is another story. The bottom line is I don't trust myself when I am this stressed. On top of everything else I was reading that stress can cause weight gain. I  am hoping that my therapy session today helps. I'm am literally at the end of my rope!

Saturday, March 19, 2011

We All Need Love

We  where made to need love. Love fills in that "empty spot" in the heart. Where do we find love? Many of my friends did not have this kind of love as children. It seems to discolor finding real love as an adult. Trust issues are so damaged by a broken childhood.

Then we think we have  found the "one".  The one that will love us in sickness and health, for richer or poorer. We say vows till "death due us part".  This kind of commitment I never found. My love life was always broken.

The love I have know most has been my love for my children and a few friends that have stood beside me in thick and thin. This even makes it hard for me to trust God's love. I  have to tell myself he love me even more than I love my children. My love for my children has always and will forever be without condition. I hurt when they hurt.

My daughter Alice is going through a real rough time. I can not fix "it" at the current time. This causes me great pain. I only know that I am thankful that God does understand me with all my brokenness.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Slipped Up

I really slipped up on my meal plan yesterday! I feel so much guilt and shame when I do this. The scale did not show the slip up so I am very happy about that. This is gross, but my stomach couldn't handle it and I had liquid stools all day yesterday and again this morning. Today is a new day and I will do better.I feel in more control today. I need to organize my papers for my therapist.

I was reading in the Bible this morning about hope. The verses I read stated:
"The Lord's love never ends;
his mercies never stop.
They are new every morning"
With this on my side I can always look at things one day or moment at a time. God's love for me is unconditional. What more can I ask?

Talked to my psychiatrist today over the phone about my hand terrors. He thought it was because I was reducing my anxiety medicine and not my mood stabilizer. He want me to give it some time to see if it resolves itself before we make anymore medication changes. That seems logical.

I've been real discouraged that my house has not show one time this week. I thought with spring break it would show more. I really need a new start. I still can hardly stand to go into Chris' bedroom. There is stuff I still need to go through. I've done some but there is still so much more to do. The trouble is I set and cry uncontrollably  when I try to go through his stuff. I still miss him so.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Happy Saint Patrick's Day

Happy Saint Patrick's Day!
May everyone have a safe and fun holiday! Be sure to wear green my friends.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011


Last night I woke up screaming at the top of my lungs. I sat straight up in the bed totally engulfed in fear. I do this more often than I care to admit.  I scared my cat off the bed, she went running. The next feeling I remember was that Chris was not there to tell me "it's OK little Mama. It was only a dream."  I was then flooded with sorrow that my beloved son was gone too. Shaking all over I reached for my TV control. Anything to kill the dead silence of the night. I prayed. It took several hour and a nerve pill before I could calm myself down enough to go back to sleep.

Today I am trying to understand the pain of the night. My beloved ex pastor had once told me that fear is:

The dream was from my past. I was not in harms way. I was safe in my bed and angles (including Chris) where watching over me. I'm going to call or email my therapist to let her know about the incident. I'm still pretty shaken by the dream which is too painful to spell out here. Am I totally crazy and beyond repair? I don't know. I just know I need more peace in my life.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011


My psychiatrist thinks that blogging is a very good idea for me. He feels I have so many emotions locked up inside me. I guess he is right, but I'm having trouble blogging recently. I think people are tired of hearing the same old things from me. Struggling, struggling, struggling. I think my medication is on the right trail. We even got to reduce the anxiety medicine. Yeah! That's a step in the right direction. My therapist is having me work on the food issues. I suppose to journal every thing I eat. I really am not enjoying that because all it makes me do is think more about food.

I have been keeping busy. I helping  S post operative from her total knee. Keeping the house in "showing order" at all times. NO slacking there!  I'm hoping to go to for her grandson wedding, but the car repair took a bite out of the old budget if you know what I mean!  I just have to see how far I can stretch the budget.

Alice finally got to see a therapist which I think is going to help her stress level. Nothing much else going on in my part of the world.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Some Interest In The House

The house showed yesterday and they seemed really interested. I still don't know what I'm going to do if it does sells now. Alice is having a lot of problem where she is and they want her to leave. I am so afraid because right now I have no money to get her back her and if the house sells what then? My last nerve is shot and I don't have any answers.

Lets all remember those in Japan and the suffering they are going through!

Friday, March 11, 2011

Car Blues

My car started acting up on the way back from the doctor. I called a service man at the church I go to give me an idea on the cost  of a tune up. He said he would have to hook it up to a diagnostic machine which was $89.00 then we go from there. Before I got home with the car the "service engine soon"  light came on. I called him back and he said try not to drive the car this weekend until I could get it in next week to be looked at. It's one thing after another and I don't have the slightest idea how I'm going to pay for the car! UGH

Busy Yesterday, Today And Tomorrow

I was on the run all day yesterday. Last night was the support group for parents that have lost a child. It is the one place I can really open up with my feeling and know that what I am still feel is not abnormal. The group is national at it is call Compassionate Friends. It really is a great group that I would recommend to any parent that has lost a child.

Today I have to see my psychiatrist. I'm going to talk to him about being a little hung over in the mornings. We may need to do a minor adjustment to my medicine.  I am so glad I'm not manic or super depressed.I am then going to S house to help with some wound care. I got to do some "deep" cleaning on the house. I know they are going to show it tomorrow.  It would be nice to get an offer. The housing market is so depressed right now.

I got some business to take care of and need to be planning on what to take to Y . I don't think I like the 6 small meals or snacks a day. I constantly journeying my food and it takes up so much time. Maybe Monday I'll ask her about a 3 meal one snack plan.

I'm doing laundry while I working on the computer. Two thing at once! lol.  Well I'm running out of time and will try to visit some blog when I get back home. Hope everyone has a great week end. Oh that reminds me our time changes on Saturday. "Spring forward an hour".

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

A Very Different Day

Today was a very different day for me. I was kind of hung over from my medicine last night, so I slept in till 9:00 AM.. I had a lunch date with two of my friends. I had my meal plan set since I had eaten there before so that went well. S had her knee replacement last week so I went to her house to help organize things so she could get around better with the walker. I also stopped and picked up a few things at the grocery store for her.

I was needing to go to Walmart, but could not forces myself to do it. I just stopped at the Dollar Store and picked up a few items to last me today instead. There was a man outside the store that asked me for money. He was hungry and I don't carry much cash, but I gave him the $2.00 I had.I then went and paid some bills today which is always fun. My debit card was acting up and had to run it twice to get it to accept the charges which is really embarrassing. The clerk told me that someone else with the same kind of card that I had had the same problem. Who knows what was up with my bank. Now it's time to kick back and have a relaxing evening.

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

Hurt All Over!

I'm really hurting all over today. I don't know if it is weather or the fact I have been exercising more. It's bad.  Short and sweet today. I got to finish getting my house ready for a showing. Wish me luck.

Monday, March 07, 2011

New Meal Plan

My therapist has given me a new meal plan that is really scary. She wants me to eat 6 snacks a day instead of 3 meals. I am having to write down what I eat, my mood, and my hunger level.  I do not even know when I am hunger. I am already doing a food journal on Fit Day on my computer so that won't be hard. I feel like all I'll be doing is eating. Then I'll have to do my exercise after each time I eat (My rule). I just don't know if I can do it. How I'm feeling is going to be hard too. I'll just do my best and see where that leads to. I won't let that scale go up!We didn't talk about me weighing everyday. I'm sure that would be a big NO NO.

Sunday, March 06, 2011

I Want To Be Like Jesus

You might ask me why I would title a post as such, but I have never seen Jesus doing anything but love others. Jesus did not care whether people went to church, followed all the Jewish laws, or were "sinners". He cared about people.  Jesus cried, he loved, and freely gave himself to others. When I am angry I know Jesus has felt anger. He felt pain. He felt loss.

I sometimes wonder why some people have so many difficulties in life. I look at my life and think there has been so much pain and I am so damaged. He understands all my flaws. All of them! I have to say that not all my prayers have been answered. I hope not to offend anyone, but it is true. He did not save my son's life and I don't understand why. I would have died for Chris to have lived, but it was not to be.

If I can give hope to one person then that is good. Hope is what we need more than anything. A hope for a better tomorrow. No child abuse, sexual abuse, ED, and no chronic illness. Sounds good.

Friday, March 04, 2011


Sometimes trying to do the right thing can be so discouraging. I am juggling so much right now, Trying to get treatment I need, helping a friend who has had surgery, and selling my home. Nothing seems to be going well. I am going back to using Fit to tack my calories. My therapist said we would focus on a meal plan Monday when I see her again.  I am so sad I can hardly stand it and I feel so hopeless. Sometimes I just feel like throwing in the bag. I'm trying to stay on top of this, but it is so hard. I'm obsessing on all the wrong things. I hurt so bad that my chest hurts. Tomorrow is a new day, maybe it will be brighter.

Thursday, March 03, 2011

I Can Not Gain Any Weight

The scale is not being my friend right now. I am not doing anything different on my eating, but I seem to be gaining weight, which is freaking me out! I am actually exercising more so I don't get it! I am constipated right now so I thought I would try some prunes before I really freak out and do the laxative thing. Tomorrow I going to really restrict. I had to eat out with a friend today but I think I stayed within my limit. My eating plan is 1200 calories, so maybe just for a few days I cut that in half. I just can NOT gain back any of the weight I have lost! "Y" says I am too obsessed about my weight right now, but I just can not help it. With a diagnosed ED (307.50) I really should try it,  I'm really scared about gaining any weight now. I'm going to exercise again now.I am exercising past the point of severe pain. I am really afraid, but it all I can think of!

Tuesday, March 01, 2011

Self Injury Awareness Day! This is a link to some great information. This behavior can last a life time without treatment. When I am at a very low point I still will do this. I copied part of the article in case the link doesn't work correctly. It's my first attempt at a link. Thank you Dr Deb for this information.

People who SI are often trying to:

* Distract emotional pain
* End feelings of numbness
* Calm overwhelming feelings
* Maintaining control
* Self-punish
* Express thoughts that cannot be put into words
* Express feelings for which there are no words
What are the types of self-injury?

* Cutting
* Burning
* Picking at skin
* Interfering with wound healing
* Hair-pulling
* Hitting
* Scratching
* Pinching
* Biting
* Bone-breaking
* Head-banging

Finding professionals who specialize in working with self-injury is IMPERATIVE. With proper treatment, new ways of coping will be learned and slowly the cycle of hurting will end.

On a totally different point my knee has healed enough that I was able to do 50 repetitions on my health rider today. Maybe I can do 50 more to night and start burning some calories. Yes!