Monday, February 23, 2009


I feel myself pulling inside myself. Away from others. Afraid of being hurt. It's hard right now to do the simplest things to be around others. I want to. I need to, but I feel frozen. Lost. Even blogging is hard. Reaching out in any way. It began when they told me I needed to take a couple of weeks off of work because my bipolar disorder was affecting my work. The same day I found out that my primary care doctor was leaving. It is so hard for me to trust a doctor. I have real trust issues. There have been too many changes this last year. I guess change is suppose to be good, but I seem to struggle with it. I really don't even know how I feel. I'm just numb. I'm not sleeping. I hate being this way. My psychiatrist says I'm in a mixed episode right now. I just know I am miserable and irritable. My mind is racing,yet I'm depressed. I can't focus. It's got to get better. I'll just take it one day at a time.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009


I really worried about my oldest child right now.She suffer from mental illness also and I have not seen her so bad in a long time. It hard once they are grown and you can not make them get the help they need. It all goes back to know what you have control over. I just hate to see the pain on her face and feel so helpless to do anything. I can just love, support and suggest she seek treatment.

Sunday, February 08, 2009

Feeling a Bit Better

I'm feeling a little bit better today. I finally got rid of a 2 day headache which was part of the reason I have not been feeling so hot. I'll try to get around to everyone blog in the next day or so. I'm still exhausted, but just wanted to let everyone know I'm doing a little better. Thanks everyone that checked in on me. Hugs.

Thursday, February 05, 2009


The sadness is so great you could almost touch it. I'm in so much pain. I can not stop crying. I feel like my heart is going to break in pieces or pull apart. I'm shaking so badly I can hardly type. This sadness makes me double up in pain. I know this will go away. I know it won't last forever. My doctor is talking about putting me in the hospital again,but I don't have any money. I just got to hold on. It will get better.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009


  1. Why is there mental illness?
  2. Why is it passed on to our children?
  3. Why is there child abuse?
  4. Why is there child molestation?
  5. Why is there rape?
  6. Why is there so much physical pain?
  7. Why is there emotional pain?
These are questions I want to ask God someday when I get to heaven.

Sunday, February 01, 2009

Sun Shine

The sun has been shinning the last two or three days and that lifts the spirits a bit. It is nice to see sun shine instead of gray skies. The ice and snow has all melted and the birds think it is spring. It is much more pleasant taking the dog outside in this weather. She still is very nervous and I'm not really sure how to calm her down. I have never had a dog that has been this nervous before. Any tips that anyone has would be appreciate, on how to make her less jumpy.