Sunday, August 15, 2010


Many people find love at a very early age. Their parents love and protect them. This was not the case in my life I didn't learn what love was for a long time. I thought when I got married this was love, only to find out I was in a very abusive situation. I know many people find love at this time of life, I just wasn't lucky. I became pregnant and felt a new life growing inside me. I knew then I had found real love. When they told me my baby may not make it I knew I would give my own live to save my baby. I was willing to give up everything so my child could live.We almost neither made it. There were some abnormalities which later cause her own personal distress. My love never died. It was steadfast through all the hardship. My second child was born. A healthy male. I watched him become a wonderful young man. His first job, his first car(a white convertible),and his first girlfriend. Then I had to watch him develop a severe anxiety disorder. He became afraid to leave the house. He worked on line for a computer company and lived with me. He was only 27 when he died and a big part of me died with him that day. I found love in my children. Love is being willing to die to save the one you love. Does God feel that away about me? I would have never done anything to hurt Alice or Chris. Does God know how much I hurt? GOD I HURT!


Angela said...

I'm so sorry that you are hurting and that you have had to endure such painful losses in your life. I'm sending all my love and hugs your way!

Anonymous said...

Wow, Wanda. That's a powerful post. It is obvious you love your daughter and Chris. This just reflects what a good person and mother you are.

I'm so sorry you're hurting. I'm here listening, hopefully softening the blow. (((Wanda)))

Wishing you well,

Doll Mistress said...

I had a very complicated pregnancy and almost lost my son and my own life as well. He is the only person I really feel connected to. My parents tried, but their obsessiveness with perfection made me feel like I was never good enough and also I always felt like I had no right to say no. This low self esteem combined with borderline personality disorder has made it so that it is impossible for me to have a healthy romantic relationship and at this point I no longer want one.
It breaks my heart, the pain you are going through having lost a child. It is unfair. You are a good person and do not deserve this.
I'm not an atheist, I do believe that there is some sort of higher power and that the soul does survive the death of the body. But my belief in God is more like the American Indian concept of The Great Spirit rather than the church god that I also grew up with. I do believe that God/the Great Spirit knows how much you hurt and that there is a promise of reunion with our loved ones when we too pass into spirit. But missing them is so very hard. The time that higher beings sense is much different than the time we sense. Our lifetimes are but a minute to them. It's like our suffering passes in the blink of an eye in their perception. But it doesn't seem that way to us.
Sorry if I rambled a bit. I hope you are able to find some comfort soon.

Andrea said...

I had a similar past. I can tell you that GOD is here with both you and I. I am the person I am, today, b/c of those things I went through. I do NOT want to go through any of them again, but they make me who I am. Sounds a little crazy, but I don't think I would be writing, loving others, or praying for others had I not experienced such devastating things. I am only speaking for myself! His love is real and though I still struggle at times, I know this to be true.
I am soooooo sorry you are hurting.
BIG HUGS, lots of LOVE, and PRAYERS,

Mike Golch said...

Hugs and Hugs and MORE HUGS and prayers my dear friend.

Prayer Girl said...

What a loving post. I believe that there is no relationship deeper than that of a mother and her children. No wonder you hurt so much and are so devastated.

I pray God holds you as you heal from this horrendous loss.


Denise said...

Yes, God knows how much you are hurting, because you are His daughter. He loves you beyond measure.