Monday, November 30, 2009


I feel like such a failure today. I can't seem to do anything right, Right now I just want to hide from the world and hurt myself. I see my therapist tomorrow, but that seems like a life time away. I can't stop crying and feel I am totally out of control. I want to drink myself numb and I don't even drink. I just am not coping at all right now! If I can just remember tomorrow will be better, I think I can make it through the night. Iam really hurting!

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Out of Control

I hung in there for the holidays but I feel everything is coming apart at the seams. Holidays are hard for me, but I did good Thanksgiving day. It has been the days that follow that are really rough. My food is out of control, I binge then purge. I'm sick of this type of living. I sick of being depressed when everyone seems so happy. I'm tired of crying even if I know it is normal for the healing process. I think I am going to call my therapist. I am so sad I not sure I can wait until tomorrow.I'm going back to bed.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Black Friday

I WANT TO SPEND MONEY! It is black Friday, I'm manic, and broke. This is not good. I'm trying to keep myself busy around the house. Maybe I'll put up the Christmas tree. That would keep me busy. I hate when I get this way. I'll give the car keys to my son, so I can not go out shopping. Yes concentrating on decorating and that will keep me busy.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009


I'm getting ready for tomorrow. Cleaning, baking pies and making sure every thing is alright. Just want to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving.

Saturday, November 21, 2009


Right now I am hurting both physically and emotionally, but I still have things to be thankful for. I am thankful for my children. I am thankful for my church. I am thankful for food on the table. I am thankful for my friends both on line and and three D. There is always something to be thankful for even in the hardest times. I wish everyone a safe and Happy Thanksgiving,

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Extra Help For The Holidays

My therapist has increased how frequently she is seeing me right now due to the holidays. I will be seeing her weekly right now. She has been so good at helping me through some really rough spots. My psychiatrist had me see my PCP because of my purging. She had lab and ECG done. My ECG was abnormal so they have me set up for cardiology testing, My tremors have not improved, so they are going to send me to a neurologist. I am suppose to be keeping a food journal and be eating 6 small meals a day. That just seems so wrong to me. I almost never eat breakfast and some times no lunch. I am afraid of what is going to happen to my weight. I'm not a small person, so I think this is the wrong thing to do. It looks like I will be spending all my time and money on doctors. Wish me luck over the next couple of months. This is really a hard time for me. It will also be the first year that I will not be able to see my oldest child for the holidays.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Thank You

For all our Veterans Thank You !

Saturday, November 07, 2009

Hope In Darkness

Hope can be what saves each one of us. We may find it it in a song. A kind word. The eyes of a child. It might come when we think we can no longer make it. It comes to each of us differently. Today I take hope instead of hopelessness.

Monday, November 02, 2009

I Can Not Control Everything

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Today this is what I need to remember. I can not control every thing. There are things that are out of my control. I need to place those in God's hand. Change what I can, but know what I can not change. I try so hard to control everything. I think I'm such a control freak because my past was so out of my control.