Monday, January 31, 2011

Going In For An Emergency Assessment

I called my psychiatrist and he wants me to come in for an emergency  assessment. I can't afford this, but I don't know what else to do.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Fake It To You Make It Isn't Working

I'm really in a dark spot right now. I  am doing a lot of non productive behaviors. I don't think I have the strength to pull out of this downward spiral.I'm not making good decisions right now. I'm not what I would call a big drinker. It had been months since I drank, but I am finding myself needing "something" to take the edge off almost daily. I'm cycling so rapidly. Right now I think I have a mixed bipolar state.

Mixed bipolar disorder is defined by periods of mania and depression that occur at the same time, or in rapid sequence. These combined manic-depressive periods are called mixed mania or mixed manic episodes:
  • Mania in mixed episodes usually involves irritability, racing thoughts and speech, and overactivity or agitation.
  • Depression in mixed bipolar disorder is similar to "regular" depression, with feelings of sadness, loss of interest in activities, low energy, feelings of guilt and worthlessness, and thoughts of suicide.
This may seem impossible -- how can someone be manic and depressed at the same time? Because mixed manic episodes are a form of mental illness, they defy any predictable pattern of feelings or behavior.
For example, a person in a mixed manic episode could be crying uncontrollably while announcing they have never felt better in their life. Or they could be exuberantly happy, only to suddenly collapse in misery. A short while later they might suddenly return to an ecstatic state.
Mixed manic episodes can last from days to years, if untreated. Mixed bipolar disorder episodes tend to last longer than other forms of bipolar disorder.

Self-injury, often referred to as cutting, self-mutilation, or self-harm, is an injurious attempt to cope with overpowering negative emotions, such as extreme anger, anxiety, and frustration. It is usually repetitive, not a one-time act.

Yes I am struggling with all the the above. My emotions are jumping all over the place. I can make it. I have too!

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Not In Good Shape.

I'm not in very good shape despite trying to control the situation. I'm manic and grieving big time. I'm back home because the weather is suppose to turn nasty. I really think my mania was starting to bother Y. She couldn't relate to not being able to sit still for even 5 minutes. I kept pacing and moving all over the place. I was in constant pain form the movement but could not stop myself. When I tried to sleep I would have horrible nightmares.I cried  myself to sleep every night.Then I was lucky if I got 2-3 hours sleep.I'm being to think there is nothing anyone can do to help me.Tonight I will run the vacuum cleaner and maybe do some laundry. My kitty cat knocked down the curtains in my computer I already put those back up. How can such a sweet looking thing cause so much trouble?  I just hope I can hang on until I see my psychiatrist on the eight!

Monday, January 24, 2011

My Love Shall Never Die

It's been almost a year since my beloved Chris died. The pain is still unbearable. I wanted to post a tribute of my love for him, He was such a joy. I have a few pictures I wanted to share.
Always at his computer.
A warm smile for everyone

A pure joy to talk to.
He now in heaven watching over me.
I miss your loving smile.

I going to go to my friend in Shawnee for a few days so I won't have to be alone. I'm not feeling very stable right now and don't want to end up in the hospital again. I just going to keep myself safe with Y.

Sunday, January 23, 2011


I need rest. I have not been sleeping. My mind won't shut down. I'm filled with sadness and keep living with a ray of hope from a Bible verse. " All things work together for good to them that love the Lord."  I wish my faith was stronger. So much has happen that brings me down. I feel so much pain some days I don't think I can make it. I wonder what am I suppose to be doing. I search for a meaning of life. What is my purpose? I love people deeply but feel so helpless in what I can do. My heart is tender or maybe just raw. I should be stronger. I have lived through so much. I want to encourage others, but have difficulty encouraging myself. I won't and can't give up no mater how dark the skies. I am a winner no matter what continues to fall my way. "I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me." I just have to take it one day at a time.

Friday, January 21, 2011

It's Official


Master Bath

Master Bedroom

Outside of the Home
It's official. My mobile home is now up for sale. Pictured are the kitchen, master bedroom, master bath and the outside of the home. Not pictured are the other two bedrooms and the living room with a wood burning fireplace. Due to my declining health I think it would be better to live in an apartment so I would not have the upkeep of the home. It is very expensive when you have to hire most things done. I have a great difficulty walking and it is impossible for me to do the lawn care. I have worked hard to get it fixed up to sell. I'm hoping with this depressed market it is not on the market for ever.  Wish me luck. I really think this is the right move due to my health and being on a fixed income. I am planing on moving close to my friend of 25 years as her family has ofter to help me as needed. It is a scary venture, but I feel it is definitely the right move.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

A Small Light Brings Hope

A Small Light Brings Hope
Breezes blow and time changes
Yet nothing seems to change
Sadness hovers on each breeze
Blowing over the strings of the heart

Hope seems but a word without meaning
Love absence leaves coldness to the bone
Darkness swallows the heart whole
Despair is winning and fills the soul

A small light shimmer through the window of my soul
  Then hope begins to take on meaning
Love  of others is felt in the deepest part of the heart
Could this mean life, hope, and joy is reborn?

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Emotionally A Little Better

I think I'm in a little better place emotionally than I have been the last few days. My thoughts are not quite as dark. I am physically not well. I'm running a fever, body aches, and upset stomach.
 I am trying very hard to stay positive. When you live with depression that can be so hard. It has been close to a year now since I lost my son. I still grieve so deeply for him. His birthday would have been February 3 and he would have been 29. I know he is in heaven happy and well but I still wish he was here with me.   For you my beloved Chris!

Monday, January 17, 2011

Is It True?

Is it really true what doesn't kill you make you stronger? I am so frustrated. The cost of my mental health care has become more than I can afford. I know I have so many issues, PTSD, eating disorder, bipolar, and still in deep grief. There are days like today I just don't think I can make it. I keep think about the after life and that it would have to be better than this. I know how dangerous my thinking is right now, so I'm trying to keep from thinking so much. The urges to hurt myself or so strong, but I'm fighting hard not to give in to them. It terrible to be afraid of your own mind. I'm trying so hard not to give in these intrusive thought. I guess that is why I keep calling people. Of course I can tell them what I'm writing here. I hate it when my thinking is all messed up and I guess that is why I'm reaching out on this blog. I guess it's true that "We all need someone to lean on".

Saturday, January 15, 2011

What's Wrong With Me?

I don't know what wrong with me. Normally I am such a fighter. Right now I'm tired of hurting on the inside and the outside. I'm trying not to let hopelessness swallow me up. I can sleep anymore and I'm working my butt off.  I been "mentally" ill all my life. My first suicide attempt was at 12 years old. The PTSD issues have been beating me up recently. I feel like such a failure. When the lupus and joint problems became so bad about 3 years ago I had to go on disability. I think losing my job did a number on me emotionally. I feel for every step forward I take then I take 3 steps backwards.  I am trying to do my best but I feel I am fighting a losing battle. Maybe all of this is just sleep deprivation. I'm so tried of crying. I'm just emotionally and physically exhausted. I'm afraid to say anything to my psychiatrist, because he will over medicate me or want to do ECT again. I'm never going to do that again I would rather die than go through that. I'm sorry I'm am feeling so low that is why I have had trouble posting recently. On top of everything else I in so much physical pain and can't stop coughing. UGH!

Friday, January 14, 2011

Trouble Sleeping

I guess I'm just too up tight because I just can't sleep the night trough. It's 4 AM and I'm cleaning. Crazy isn't it?

Thursday, January 13, 2011


I have really been busy today. I had to do some shopping, get my car fixed, and do somethings around the house today. I'm so proud of myself for being able to fix the broken handle on my toilet. I know that is just a small thing, but it made me feel good that I could do it by myself. I also put up two lamp shades. I had to use a step stool because I'm so short. The climbing has caused my knees to hurt tonight. Hopefully I will sleep like a baby tonight!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011


I'm trying very hard to focus on the good and not so much the bad. It has been hard to post recently, because I didn't want to be negative. My daughter Alice called today and sounded so depressed. I just want to hug her so badly. Seems sometimes life has more darkness in it than light. I just keep trying to look for the good. This can be very hard at times.
I have decided that my past ,my mental illness, and my general health are not the only things that can control my mood. I have my faith and friends to up lift me. We have each other which is so important to know. We are not alone. I want this to be a good year. I am working hard to do what I can to continue to heal and get stronger. One day at a time is all we can live.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Little Bit Of This And That

First my sister is doing great. Praise the Lord. She is out of ICU now. She will most likely have to go home on oxygen, so she is really going to have to stop smoking.

Second I have got all my window covering up now. Looks perry good, if I do say so myself. I now have to start the deep cleaning. Ugh! I found out if I list the mobile home with the rental agency that they do all the paper work and list the property on their web site. The cost is unbeatable! I am hoping to put it up next week.

It's very cold here right now. We have a little snow, but the streets are fairly clear. The wind chill will drop the temperatures below  zero tonight. I will have to drip the water to prevent freezing pipes.

I'm doing OK. I'm still battling with depression and missing Chris a lot. He will have been gone 1 year on the 28th of the month. I still cry when I think about he is gone. It just somehow doesn't seem real.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Doing better

My sister is doing better this morning according to the ICU nurse, Her O2 and CO2 levels are starting to level out. This is really good news.

Sunday, January 09, 2011

Sister Going On Ventilator

I just received a call that my sister is being put on a ventilator tonight! Her CO2 just won't go down. For those of you that pray please lift her up in prayer.

Saturday, January 08, 2011

Hug Some Curtains

My best friend Y was going to throw way the curtains that came in her new mobile home because she did not like them. I told her I would take them because she was just going to burn them in the trash. Today we put up four sets of curtains and they make the windows to my mobile home look better.

I am going to have to down size into a government apartment since I can not afford the up keep on this place.  I'm planning on putting it on the market soon. I just hope it sells. There is still so much work to do. I wish I were a "handyman".

Thursday, January 06, 2011

Some Good News

I got the report today that my breast lump was  not cancer. Yes! I needed some good news.

I have had a difficult time posting recently. I am really been fighting depression. It has been hard to do the routine things in life let alone any extras. My knee still hurts a lot and I'm not sure if that is the problem or what. I just don't feel well. At least I can stop worrying about the breast lump.

Thanks for all your encouragement and support over the last few weeks. I really appreciate all of you that follow my blog. Together we can get through the rough spots. Again thank you!

Tuesday, January 04, 2011


Sometimes it is so hard just to hope again. I see the pain in my beloved daughters words and can so relate. Fear of hoping for a better tomorrow is not a good place to be. I have to believe there are reasons beyond my understanding for so much pain. I have to hope for a better tomorrow.  I have to hold on for dear live. I want this to be a year of healing. I know healing is work, but I'm committed to getting stronger.

Sunday, January 02, 2011


I'm very tentative as I start the new year. After coming off such a rough year I must admit I have some fears facing a new year. I know that I am a strong human being that is full of love for others. I am going to try my best to just live one day at a time. I don't think I'll ever forget last year, but I will not let it destroy all my hopes. Right now it is still hard to dream, because I really don't know what I want. I do know love is the only reason for being and I am loved. I know I have done something right, because both of my children have told me I have "always been there for them." Those words mean more to me than anything. I won't give in to despair. I will overcome!