Monday, July 31, 2006

So Depressed

I thought finally the medication was right. Geodon is the latest drug of choice. I was sleeping better and felt pertty good, but the bottom has dropped out today! Everything makes me want to cry! How can I be on top of everything one minute and wanting to crawl in a hole the next minute. This is getting very old! Maybe the depression was triggered by the fact I saw a new thearpist today. Or maybe it because my known world is colapsing. Or maybe it was my "X" coming to my house. Or maybe because I just need a break. Who knows? I just get so tired of the depression. What in the world would it be like just to feel normal?? Not like you can change the world with one hand, but just normal. I'm trying to do the right things, but still the darkness of depression is crushing me. I'm so sick of this. When I am this depressed I feel so alone. I feel like I have been abandoned. What is wrong with me??? I am trying to use better coping skills this time and not do anything that I'll regret later. I just hate depression! Why is it so hard to regulate bi-polar meds??

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Safe in God's Hand

For the last several days I have been struggling with fear and worry. "What is the next step?" "I'm hurting too badly to do what needs to be done." "What's going to happen to us until the disability comes through?" "What if I'm not approved?" These and many other thoughts have just beaten me down. Today at church our pastor talked about how we are in God's hand and that nothing can destroy us. We can not let our joy be stolen. Worry won't change anything. Trusting God will change things. He also talked about how we needed to be in agreement with other belivers and then there is more power to do what needs to be done. I know I'm God child, so I am safe in the palm of His hand. Nothing can harm me there. Fear and worry have to submit to the power of God. I guess I needed to be in church today. To be reminded of who I am and that I am God child. With God's help and the love and support of friends nothing is impossible!

Thursday, July 27, 2006

One Day at a Time

I've been trying to take things one day at a time and every day there is something new. I am getting to work a few hours this week. The effect: I HURT big time. My feet and legs are now becoming discolored and painful, on top of the swelling. The doctors now want to get some stat testing done, to see what is causing the problem. More $$$$, which I don't have. I guess this is one of those times when you just need someone else to help you pray. All things considered I'm still happy and reasonably calm. (((hugs to my friends)))

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Trying Too Hard

I have been trying so hard to work with my company until I can get on SSD. They just won't work with me at all. They keep the solution" just out of reach" and are making it impossible for me to try to do this in a way that can benifit both me and the company. After 18 years of hard work you would think they could be a little flexible, but oh no, the theme seems to be" let's make this as difficult as possible. " I have always been a workaholic and give 110% or more to my job. I feel like I've been "kicked in the teeth" by the company. It funny the company mission statement is "To provide the healing ministry of Christ in all that we do." and they can not even work with a long time employee that is having health problems. It is not like the solution I offered would only benefit me, but it would also benifit the company. I have always had excellent reviews, been a hard worker, and literaly given to the company until it hurt. I just talked with the head of HR and they are going to let me work 4 hours 3 days per week "as long as it meets the needs of the clinic". In other words they are despirate right now. lol We just live one day at a time and go from there!

Tuesday, July 25, 2006


This is to weird. My life is spinning out of control or at least nothing is going the way it normally does. In all of this I have this deep peace and calm. This is not me!!!! I'm always "wired for sound", but not today. This is way cool. It has got to be a "God thing". I think I'm going to just in enjoy it and not try to explaine it!

Monday, July 24, 2006


Funny thing, I got some bad news today about my job, but I still have a feeling a peace on the inside. They are not willing to let me work "part time" until I am feeling better. They stated that they "could not accomadate me at this time." I know they could have done the request if they wanted to. Oh well, their loss. I signed my refinance on the house today. Scarry, but a relief also. I also feel better about the "forgiving issue". Today I just plain feel good. I'm happy and that is a good feeling! It funny now how long I had no feeling and now they are all over the chart. I love the good ones! I just love the feeling of peace!

Sunday, July 23, 2006


I am fighting with an issue that I really don't know how to deal with. I know we must forgive those that have harmed us in order to heal. I feel I have done this for several people and several issues. I still struggle with abuse that was done to my children. I can forgive someone from hurting me, but I don't know how to forgive someone that has harmed my children.
How do you forgive when you are not the victim? Can you still want "justice" for the victims and still forgive at the same time? When you are fighting against something that is wrong, how do you not hate the one that commited the act of violence ? How do you fight against the abuse without bitterness toward the abuser ?
Please, if someone has some ideas, please share these with me.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Thank you

This is to all of my friends that are there when I'm up, down, or somewhere in between.. Those that are there, when I'm "bullet proof", am a small frighten child, when I cry, when I laugh, and when I wonder why I keep trying. Friends. What a gift from God! Thank you for being my friend!

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

My Life -Short Version

"trigger warning"

As I have been reading other's blogs and their stories , I wonder if I will ever be able to fully tell my story. This is the short version. So many years were involved. So many types of abuse and so much shame attached to the abuse. What happened between the ages of four and twelve, I can forgive myself for. I had been penatrated before I was in the second grade. The fondling and oral stuff started when I was about 3-4 years old . I was too little and too dependent on my parents to have changed much of what happen then.
After being tied down, burtalized, sodamized, and repeatedly raped, before my 12th birthday, I gave up. I was repeatedly told "little girls disapear all the time and no one would miss me." I just didn't care anymore about myself. I was defeated. The years between 12-18 I think I just learned to "play the game". I tried to protect the younger ones, so "giving myself" to my stepdad wasn't such a "big deal".
By this time, I felt if there was a "god", he didn't care about children or their pain. At sixteen I started dabbling in a form of witch craft with a friend, who father was also molesting her. We would cast "spells", make vodo doll, etc of our parents . In fact I was totally convinced when my stepdad died I had killed him. ( I was about 18 years old at the time)
When I was about 18-19 years old I had a "nervous break down". I deleted my past. I was a virgin again. Problems fixed-NOT!!!
I then married a very controling, abusive man. I can not even begin to say what he had me do to please him. The control he had over me was unbelieveable, even until this day. After several years of the abuse I divorced him, when our children were in their early teens. He now is out on bail for molesting his daughter of his second marriage.
I still can not forgive myself for what happen in our marriage. How could one person control another for so long?
All my life I have fought with suicidal thinking. I was ready to kill myself when a friend I worked with asked me to talk with her pastor. She didn't know I close I was to killing myself.
I had all I needed and a plan to cover all parts of my kids being care for financially. I was terrible to this pastor. I was hateful, mean and told him I didn't believe in him or "god." The next day this pastor called me. The kindness in his voice showed he wanted to help. He counseled me for a long time before it finally sank in. He was showing me that Jesus loved me, no matter where I had been or no matter what I had done. This man's kindness did lead me to Jesus. I thank God daily that someone care about me when I didn't even want to live to pray for me. Someone took the time to show me that Jesus loved me and was just waiting to be invited in.
Jesus is now my hope and I want to help other know His love. I want to help those that have been abused know, they are worth everything to God, and He dearly loves them. I want others to see what abuse does so it can be stopped.

Monday, July 17, 2006


  • A few quick questions. I'm not an expert on emotions. I shut them off most of my life, so I am just asking theses questions to honestly get information from others. Let me know what you think about these questions.
  • Can you only be hurt it you let someone hurt you?
  • Can you be hurt through no fault of your own?
  • Is being hurt a sign of weakness?

Friday, July 14, 2006

Next steps

What steps I am going to take.
  1. I'm going for 20 year refinacings on my house.
  2. I'm going for the disability.
  3. I will be resigning after I have exhaused my last 3 weeks of benefits.

This may not sound like I have come upon any great action plan, but it has been very difficult for me. I have peace on at least I'm doing what I think is right.

The reason for the 20 year refinacing is to pay off my debts, so I'll only have a couple of payments to worry about on my fixed income.

I just am no longer able to handle the job due to the stress and all my medical problems. Stress has caused flare up of all my medical issues. With the severe depression, PTSD, UCTD, Chronic Fatique, Asthma, HTN, and kidney problems ,I just can no longer keep working. The Disability will be a cut in pay, but the job has been draining every bit energy I had. I should be able to live on my 401K until the disability goes through.

I believe I will be able to get better and help others by following this plan. I taking a big step of faith and believing I doing what is best for me and what God wants me to do. I HAVE SOME PEACE NOW!

Thursday, July 13, 2006


This picture shows how I have been feeling for the last several days. Tonight I decided to just go with my "best plans" and let the chips fall where they may. I believe in God, so I can not believe He will let me make a total mess of my life, when I have asked Him for guidance. So next post should be about what decisions I have made. Thanks you everyone for your support. It is sometimes has been hard trying to make the best choices when you feel you are all alone. I guess we never are truley alone unless we make the choice to be alone. God bless.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006


God tells us to have the faith like a little child. I am trying, but struggling with this. Right now I feel I have to many decisions to make. I'm stressed about knowing I can no longer work at my current job due to all my mental and physical health issues. I'm trying to help my youngest son with severe panic disorder get disability. I'm working on getting disability for my self. My oldest child needs me to talk with the thearpist to "fill in the blanks" of the last 20 years. My "X" is coming to town to see the kids. He still has the open felony chages against him for child molestation.
Money is a real problem. I need to try to deciside to try to keep and refinace my house, sell it and down size. or move into an apartment. My fixed income will be less than what I have now and I'm struggling making it now.
I talked with my friends, pastor, and a couple of bankers, but I am still so confused. I been in a lot of pain recently so I am much more anxious than normal. I quess all of the stress threw me into a complete regresion or flash back or something. I ended up loosing several hours. I 'm worried that I am going to totally "lose it" I am trying so hard to have that child like faith while checking out my options. I just want to rest an feel it going to be ok. I guess that is why it is called FAITH- you can not see ahead. "Let go and let God " seem to be the best solution. Now for the inner strength to do this!

Monday, July 10, 2006


I wonder if the abuser every realizes the life time of pain they cause their victims. I know that statistics show most abuser were also a victim of child abuse themself. What prevents the one that was abused, from becoming an abuser him or herself? Do all children that are abused become "victims" or "abuser" ? I look in my family history. I was abuse as a child. I married someone that was abused as child. His father was a child molester, he became a child molester. What chances do the children have? His daughter from the 2nd marriage was removed from their home. He admitted he had molested her and states he may have molested our two children. What are their changes? My oldest child, who is now an adult, "T" has asked that I come to a meeting to "fill in the blanks". My oldest has totally "blacked out" his childhood. It sound all too much like the first 18 years of my life. I blocked out it all, but it didn't go away. I t continued to effect every part of my life. I wish I had not been so blinded by my pass. Maybe I could have seen this. Maybe I wouldn't have worked so much. Now all I want to do is to help those that are hurt. Yes I'm healing. Yes it hard work. If this can be broken, what ever the cost, it must stop! No child should be hurt. Child abuse hurts.

Sunday, July 09, 2006


So much has been happening so quicky, I believe I am just living in FEAR. I was once given this definition of fear.
F- False
E- Evidence
A- Appearing
R- Real
Seems like life can be one storm after another, but sunshine all the time would be dull. Changes add color to our lives. Artist's always say the best pictures have some "dark" woven in. Sometimes when I go through all of this, I wonder if my "life painting" will just be one dark blob. Then I remember my friends. I know friendships add rays of light to our "life paintings." I thank God everyday for my friends. I can not imagine not having friends that support me!
Another wonderful person told me if I don't have all the answers then I should:
"Let go and let God. "
We must admit some things are too much for us to handle. My pastor also states if we admit we need help, we can recieve it. He has on more than one occasion told me to say:

I can't.
God can.
So I'm going to let Him.

Sometime I feel those of us that were abused in early life find trushing and reaching out to God and others is more difficult. True friendship is worth any risk that you might have to take. It is well worth the risks. Thank you to all my friends. Where would I be withouth my friends??

Friday, July 07, 2006

Down But Better

I guess I was really pretty out of it when I wrote my last entry. I hate it when I feel I'm not in control, but there are time that I just lose it. Thank you all for your support, kindness, and prayers. I do feel all of your love and support and am so thankful for those that care about me.
I am going to try to just rest in Jesus' arms tonight. Some times it just seems there is too much to do. I miss having someone by my side to help, but then I remember, my friends, church, and Jesus are always there to help.
I quess it also more honest to let others see the frighten "not in control" side of me. Again thank each of you for letting me be me. (((hugs))) to all of my friends.

PS: Teddybears do help!

Wednesday, July 05, 2006


i hate this, I just cryin like a baby, gee wheez that is so stupid and i am not stupid. where are all the brave people not here tonight, Alone and sad, wanting to hurt myself. my stupid head won't shut up. i don't want ta be alone. i don't want ta hurt anymore, why can't someone else decide what's the right thing to do?? I just want someone ta hold me and let me know i am safe. or maybe break something and watch it shatter like me, i don't want to cry any more. Big girl don't cry-just babies cry not big girl, stop stop stop. can not see any more i go to bed with my bear.

Hurry up and Wait

I want to know why in life every thing seems to be a "hurry up" or "wait" situation?

Right now several of my blogg friends know I have not been feeling well. I seem to be having some severe physical problems that, bless there little hearts, also trigger some of my mental issues.

I have been checking into what opions I have and it seems like I'm spinning out of control.

Fact: I'm not healthy enough to continue what I'm doing.

  1. Should I just "down size" and work less?
  2. Should I push the disability issues?
  3. Do I just work until I fall over dead?
  4. Do I let my company fire me?
  5. Do I resign, because I just can no longer do what is required?

More Facts:

  1. I have been "ill" more in the last 6 months than I have since I started with the company 18 years ago.
  2. The company I work for is "very big business" and doesn't care about the employees. ( this has added to the already stressful situation)
  3. Disability pay would drop my income about $400.00 per month and I barely make it now!
  4. My youngest son is a severe agoraphobic and has not been able to work in over 2 years. I'm trying to support both of us.
  5. My son just applied for disability to help with his medical bills and currently has zero income.

I have several questions, but I'm getting more over whelmed by the moment. I using my short term sick benifits right now at work, because the is no way I can work full time right now. If anyone has been throught this and has any suggestions , I sure would like to know your ideas on what the best steps are.

Monday, July 03, 2006


My first time tagged. But here goes.
Four jobs I have had in my life:
House keeper
Lab Tech
LPN/ floor nurse
Administrative Coordinator
Four movies I would watch over and over:
Devils Advocate
Megiddo- Omega Code 2
Primal Fear
Woman Thou Art Lossed
Four places I have lived:
Broken Arrow
That's all
Four TV shows I love/loved to watch:
Criminal Minds
Star Trek
Law and Order
Four places I have been on vacation:
Washington DC
Saint Louis
Four websites I look at daily
Dreaming And Believing
A Safe Place
Pearls and Dreams
Life Spacing
People I'll Tag
PK @ Pearls and Dreams
Wolfbaby @ Dreaming and Believing
Enigma @ One Women's Journey

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Thankful to be an American!

With the 4th of July around the corner I just want to thank all of the soliders and veterans that have bravely served our country.