Tuesday, March 26, 2013


My therapist told me yesterday she thinks I need more structure in my life. I disagree. I have had structure all my life and now I want freedom. I want to be able to do what I want when I want. If I choose to do nothing some days so be it. She thinks I need to attend a Bipolar support group. Right now I am not interested. I have nothing against support groups but right now I just don't want to center my life around my mental illness. I guess I am being somewhat uncooperative but I want an uncomplicated life. It is not like I don't do anything. There is my small group, church, my friends, as well as program that I am trying to get accepted in to. Most of the time I am in so much pain it is hard to do things. This weekend I am going to spend time with a good friend. We are doing a "beauty day". a day watching her great grand kids hunting Easter eggs, the movies, and a lot more. Friday Alice and I went to a church dinner and bingo. I enjoy my blogging and TV shows. Maybe I should do more but most of the time I just don't feel like doing more. In fact the center just called and we have an appointment  next week.. I guess I will keep working at the things I like and go from there.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Cost Of Living

I opened my cable bill today and it had gone up significantly. It was so significant that I had to call to reduce some of the options of my plan.  The cost of groceries has continued to rise. Gas prices seem to raise daily. Living on a fixed income is getting harder and harder. Money problems can sure put you in the dumps. I guess this is my rant for the day!

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Ray Of Hope

Just when you think things can't get worst something good happens to give you a ray of hope. The last few years have been one trail after another. I guess my  whole life has been a challenge. Through all that darkness there have been many of small things that give me a ray of hope. The "small" things can be very significant. They have come at times when I have felt my whole world was collapsing. I have to believe that God sees the struggles and throws a life line.

One thing that is a tremendous help is the encouragement and support of friends and family. I have been blessed with those that truley care about me. Sometimes it may feel like I'm all alone but this is not true.  Sometimes I wonder why life has to be so hard. I wonder why I must view things through the eyes of one with a mental illness. Then I think things could be so much worst. Each day I try to keep a gratitude list. When I do that there is always something to be thankful for. Staying strong  and not giving up is the important thing.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

In A Strange Place

My head is in a strange place right now. I am struggling with depression. I seem to be questioning everything. Maybe it is the lack of sleep or the money problems we are having right now. I know I have so much to be thankful for but my mood is so dark and scary. I see my therapist Friday which I am hoping will help some. It is hard to do anything right now. I think part of the problem is that I have been in so much physical pain. Almost any movement cause me pain. I so want to be "normal". It is hard when you have to fight your own mind constantly.

Thursday, March 07, 2013

Another Day

Saw my psychiatrist yesterday and he said that because I had nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea  my medication level where messed up. I have not been sleeping and was becoming a bit manic.I get so  cranky when I don't sleep, For the first few days being manic is kind of nice but after a while in is not good. Being so brittle makes my bipolar so hard to manage

A friend came over today and helped me clean my house. I so much appreciate the help. When you don't feel good the simplest things can be hard to acomplish.

What is it about laundry that it is never done? You are caught up one day and then the next there is more to do. Seems that is true of all house work. lol

A lot has been going on emotionally but it is just so hard for me to put it in words, I need to share but the words aren't coming to me right now.

Sunday, March 03, 2013


In therapy Friday we worked on changing dreams. I have frequent nightmares about past abuse. I thought it was very interesting how you could get power over the dreams.    I have not tried it yet but am very interested on weather it will work or not.

Our toilet broke yesterday and we bought a repair kit to fix it but neither Alice or myself where strong enough to loosen the old one. A friend is coming over today to help us fix it. Sometimes you just need a man!

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be rich? It just seems life would be easier. I have heard of a lot of rich people that were very unhappy so I guess you just have to make your own  happiness.