Saturday, May 29, 2010
A friend drug me out of my house to volunteer to work at an adoption center for the SPCA. There where so many cute cats and dogs it hard to believe they where just "throw away" animals. I am totally amazed at how cruel humans can be. Each animal seemed to have it own sweet personality. I think it did me good to get out of the house for awhile. I've signed up to help again.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
I am really struggling right now. I can't sleep because of the horrible nightmares. My past is in my face all night and the terrible hole in my heart from missing my son in the day time. I am feeling weak and like I'm not going to make it. I'm having physical symptoms form the sexual abuse. I'm just curling up in a ball at night with the pain. I have no relieve in the day because all I can do is think of Chris. God has got to help me or I'm going to loose my mind. The two worst things in my life are haunting me and I'm not sure how much more I can take. I am so tormented. I need some peace.
Friday, May 21, 2010
We have been having a lot of severe weather the last several day. Trees and power lines down. Some property damage, etc. I have been lucky with no real problems except having to set in the storm shelter for hours upon time. Today is absolutely beautiful. The sun is shinning and it is warm with a nice breeze. I am very glad our neighborhood wasn't hit too bad, because I live in a mobile home. I am hoping to spend a nice weekend with a friend. Hopefully that will get my mind off things for a while. Hope everyone has a great weekend. See you around.
Monday, May 17, 2010
My therapist tells me I am angry about my son death and this is part of the grieving process. I guess she is right. So much was left yet to do. At 27 years old he was just beginning to live. His anxiety disorder was starting to improve. When I think about it I realize that I am angry at the hospital. I do not feel he got the care he needed. I am angry at the doctors. They did not keep me informed. I do not believe they were as aggressive with his treatment as the should have been. My therapist believe I am angry at God. I believe in a God that heal the sick. Why didn't You heal Chris? Why did You let him die? Time and admitting my feelings will help me get through the grieving process. I'm taking a grieving class to help me deal with all these emotions. I still believe in God, but my faith has been shaken.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
I am so thankful that God gives us more strength as life demands more of us. Being bipolar adds extra demands to your life. Sometimes I wonder if more than I can handle has been given to me. I am still in deep morning for my beloved son Chris. I am being seen weekly by my therapist. It's hard for me to say if this is helping because I'm not sure what is "normal". I still cry everyday. My best friend is in town for the next couple of days and we are doing somethings together. I really appreciate all the support I have been given by my on line friends. Words of encouragement can really brighten the day. Thank you for your support.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Today I have actually been smiling some. I laughed out loud once today. I had forgotten how good it feels. I remembered Chris and good memories came to my mind. Do I still wish he was alive? Of course, but I can remember some of the good times we had together. Love is such a strong force. I'm not saying I'm done crying for him, but it is at least not all tears. I want to thank all the encouragement everyone has given me. Without the support of my friends I would have never made it. Thank You!
Saturday, May 08, 2010
Seems that I'm really having trouble today. Every time I turn around I'm crying. The house is dead quite. I know I shouldn't do it, but some times I just set in his room and cry. Why did God have to take him? He is in Heaven safe I know . I'm meeting a friend in a little bit to go see a movie. I can't even remember what we are going to see. I'm trying to keep busy so I just don't set around and think.
Thursday, May 06, 2010
I'm doing a little better today. I'm sill pretty consumed with grief, but I think it takes a long time to morn the loss of your child. I am able to catch up on some things that got behind. Some days just being is this house does a trip on my mind. Sunday is Mother's Day. I don't know how I'll do. I will talk to my daughter . If people are disappointed in me they will just have to get over it because I am doing the best I can.
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
The place I get my treatments and therapy is helping with my cost of the treatments. I believe things are a little better. I can smile every once in a while. I was crying all the time before they started the treatments. I don't know if it is a side effect of the treatment to have no appetite. I'm losing weight, which is a good thing. I'm having trouble finding my way around town, which is a side effect of the treatments.
Monday, May 03, 2010
I took my last ECT treatment. I guess I'm glad that is over. I believe they have helped the depression some. Makes you wonder exactly how it works. I really need to clean house today. You are so forgetful after those treatments . Chronic depression is really the pits. This has been a terrible year. If it weren't for my friends I don't think I would have made it. Losing my Son was the worst thing I have been through in my life. God promised not to give us more than we can bear. He stands right there beside us holding us up. I would be totally crazy without God's help
Saturday, May 01, 2010
I can not believe how much the ECT messes with my memory. I really hope this is doing some good. I do not see how the doctor is telling regular depression from my grief. The grief is going to hang around awhile. He is not going to be able to shock that away. My last treatment is Monday and I am glad.