Monday, September 06, 2010

It Night Time Again.


It is night time again and I'm wide awake. I guess the truth is I'm afraid of night time. Most of the bad things that ever happen to me happened at night, or at least before the dawn of morning. My friend says having a gun at her bedside makes her feel safe. Can't you just see that? A severely depressed bipolar with a gun. I won't even keep sharp objects in my house because I do not trust myself. I long to feel safe, but have yet to find a way to do this. You see Chris even died before dawn. I hate night. That is when all the abuse took place. At least that is what I remember. The words of a song that was going through my head was "Count your blessing inside of sheep". I try so hard,yet I feel like such a failure. I wish I could just relax and sleep at night, Fear and anxiety are terrible things. The drugs they have given me in the past only make me sleepy the next day and I still have trouble at night. I will mess around on my computer a bit longer then try again to go to sleep.

8 comments:

Cheesemeister said...

I have a very hard time sleeping at night if I have something to do early in the morning. It's one of the reasons I work night shift. Everything always seems harder at night, whether it is a physical sickness or emotional stress. Somehow things always seem all the lonelier.
I won't keep guns in my house either for the very reason that if I got really depressed I might use it on myself.
Wishing you the peace you need to get through this night. And you're not a failure.

Tammy said...

I'm sorry your having difficulty sleeping. Having a gun in the house can be a good thing but you must make sure your doing it for the right thing. Educate yourself on how to use it. Aside from that, the psyche that is involved after one is violated is so hard wired to be hyper vigilant and it makes it hard to unwind on many levels. Don't force yourself to lay there and ruminate, get up and read or due some knitting until your mind relaxes.... I KNOW... esier said then done. I'm with you on the sleepless nights. Oy. Hugs. Tammy

NOS said...

I completely relate to hating nighttime. I'm not sure what it is, but I feel like my moods just plummet at night. And given what you've been through I don't think anyone could blame you for not liking night. I hope you fell asleep at a reasonable hour.

Wishing you well,
NOS

Raine said...

I take antianxiety meds before bed now days and it helps me going to sleep quite a bit.

Faith A. said...

Stumbled upon this blog and immediately felt connected to you. I've had so many nights like this. I can be exhausted and practically falling asleep, but then I get in bed and I toss and turn for hours. Getting through the night has always been one of the hardest things for me since being abused.
I hope you find peace and are able to get some rest. Love from me to you.

Denise said...

Asking God to bless you with sweet rest my sis, I love you.

Lisa said...

I relate with the sleeping issues, I also have a harder time at night. Hang in there. I just came across this blog and subscribed. I'm really enjoying reading the realness of it. it helps me a lot
take care
xoxo
-Lisa

Dr. Deb said...

Sleeping is *so* tricky sometimes. I wish you can find some comfort zone between day and night so you can get the rest you need. Till then, know that many of us are thinking of you.