Tuesday, August 31, 2010
I don't usually blog twice in one day, but my mood is all over the place. I'm crying and I feel like throwing stuff. I'm trying to control these crazy thoughts I'm having. One hour at a time. It's almost time for bed, but I'm really anxious on top of the depression. I wish I could settle down. I know this is all part of being bipolar and being under stress. I will NOT do anything stupid even though that is what I feel like. Tomorrow will be a new day and just maybe my mood will stabilize. It's also raining here which seem to effect my moods. But we really need the rain. Oh I am rambling so I guess I will end this post.
I am stressed to the MAX! I have too much going on. My finical situation really sucks right now. I have some legal problems going on. I continue to worry about Alice. I have my up coming surgery for my cataracts on Sept 21 & Sept 28. I know it a command surgery, but I'm still very nervous about it. I am so tired all the time and yet to know the reason why. Going to do some volunteer work tomorrow at the SPCA. My eyes are really hurting today after all the testing they did. It is kind of hard to see. I hope things settle down soon.
Monday, August 30, 2010
I am very glad I made this appointment. They discovered I have a unusual form of cataracts. Very fast growing. I need to schedule surgery ASAP. He said if I don't get this done very soon I would be blind in 6 months. I had notice my night vision was very bad which is the first sign. I am so glad I made the appointment.
Alice is safe and talking has help calm her down some. I worry so much about her depression and she is so far away. I've talked to her this morning and she got a good night sleep, which helps. If she had been living in the city with me I would have gone and taken her to the hospital. I am having her boyfriend keep a good eye on her. I did not sleep well last night because I was so worried about her. My handyman is here finishing up the job on my shed. I have an eye appointment latter this afternoon. I have got to go to the store because I'm out of everything. Thank you for all your support. I don't know what I would do without my online friends!
Sunday, August 29, 2010
My life has been a rough one. I have seen and felt so much pain. I know I am here to love and care for others. Just maybe some of the things I have been through can allow me to understand others better. One thing I do know is we need each other. We need to love and support one another. Life can be so unfair. Depression can crush your spirit. I fight it everyday. I know some of my blogging friends are struggling. I so understand your pain and want to support you in anyway I can.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Yesterday I spent about 4 hours on the phone with tech support trying to get a problem worked out with my computer. If Chris had been here he could have fixed it in less than a hour! He was so good with computers. Anyway it is up and running again, so I guess that is the important thing. I'm waiting on a handyman to come and do some repairs. More money that I don't have, but the trailer park insist that I have the repairs done or I'll be evicted. I don't know how much more stress I can take! I have some legal paper work I'm working on. Things sure are complicated right now.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Seems like night time is the hardest part of my day. I talked with my daughter and she is doing a little better. I hope this person is not just messing with her head. The offer about this truck sounds too good to be true and I have usually found when something sounds too good to be true it is. Of course I am not the most trusting person in the world, but also very protective of my kids. I decided to get up and blog instead of just soaking my pillow with tears. My mind keeps jumping from Alice to Chris. Not a very good place to be. I recently read some of my older blogs and I am slowly getting better. Grief is a very strange thing. You just never know what is going to trigger a break down. I went and saw Chris today and that always makes me sad. I talk to him about everything that is going on. Of course I cry and tell him how much I love him several times during our visits. I have both Chris' and Alice's cats and they don't get along and they fight. I don't know what I'm going to do about that. I have really got to pull myself together,because I have some important business matters to take care of in the next few weeks. Every time I start to work on them I find myself so distracted. It is so frustrating. I'm feeling a little better since I have been blogging. The house is so quiet it gives me the creeps. I really need to try to get some sleep. Well I'm not asleep yet so I'm adding more. I'm questioning if I let the doctors do the right things when Chris was in the hospital. You think they know best,but do they really? He was on a ventilator most of the time,so I don't think he was in pain. He was deeply sedated. I wonder if he heard my words when I spoke and sang to him. Could he feel my touch? This post is just coming from all the things going through my head as I try to go to sleep.
My daughter is really depressed right now and I am very worried about her. She tries to see the best in people and is often hurt by them. She has been crying all day. She is on antidepressants, but they don't take away the hurt that a person causes. I wish I could take away her pain. She feel God has abandoned her and even hates her. Her faith is totally gone. I hate the depression monster. It destroys so many lives. I am fighting hard myself with depression right now. Sometimes even one minute at a time seems like too much.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
I have a total loss of memory for 3-4 months (Feb-June). I don't remember being admitted to the hospital , but my therapist says I was in patient. I don't remember consenting to the ECT, but apparently I did. I don't remember appointments I had with my other specialist. What upsets me the most is I can not remember the songs that were played at my Son's memorial service. I have shed so many tears the last several months and continue to cry almost everyday. If they are bottled in heaven it must be getting full. I'm resting on a verse. Blessed are they that morn for they shall be comforted. My friend is doing better which is good.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
One of my on line friends is really suffering from depression. She was talking about suicide. We all need to hold her up and support her. I have grow quite close to her and don't want anything bad to happen. Seems every minute I don't hear something the more anxious I am getting.
Monday, August 23, 2010
I saw my doctor for the last time today. It will be a month before I see the new guy. I also saw my therapist today. I actually got sick and had to leave the session and vomit. She was talking about a lot today, but I could not handle talking about Chris today. My emotions are on edge. I can't say I'm depressed. I just don't seem to care about anything. A friend of mine was in town today and we didn't get a chance to hook up because his meetings and my appointments were in conflict. That makes me really made me sad. He was my former pastor and now is an insurance salesman. We were very close and it hurt really bad when he moved out of the city. My doctor reduced one of my medicine to help with the sleepiness . Like I said it might just be because I don't care about anything. I guess I really do care about my friends and family. I talked with my daughter today and she is not sleeping. I told her to call her doctor to see if he could give her something to help her get some sleep. I am so numb right now. I hate it when I get like this. These are the times I want to self injure. Weird it is not when I'm depressed, but when I feel nothing. I'm going to lie down for a while so I don't do anything stupid.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Just like hot check I have returned. I have two appointment tomorrow and I hope they can figure out why I'm so droopy all the time. I no energy at all. I'm just know I'm tired of being like this all the time. I have so much stuff I need to be doing and I just can't make myself do it! I have got to get on line and check out my financial stuff. Disablility is just not enough to make it on. I know I'm rambling but I have really missed my on line friends.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Many people find love at a very early age. Their parents love and protect them. This was not the case in my life I didn't learn what love was for a long time. I thought when I got married this was love, only to find out I was in a very abusive situation. I know many people find love at this time of life, I just wasn't lucky. I became pregnant and felt a new life growing inside me. I knew then I had found real love. When they told me my baby may not make it I knew I would give my own live to save my baby. I was willing to give up everything so my child could live.We almost neither made it. There were some abnormalities which later cause her own personal distress. My love never died. It was steadfast through all the hardship. My second child was born. A healthy male. I watched him become a wonderful young man. His first job, his first car(a white convertible),and his first girlfriend. Then I had to watch him develop a severe anxiety disorder. He became afraid to leave the house. He worked on line for a computer company and lived with me. He was only 27 when he died and a big part of me died with him that day. I found love in my children. Love is being willing to die to save the one you love. Does God feel that away about me? I would have never done anything to hurt Alice or Chris. Does God know how much I hurt? GOD I HURT!
Saturday, August 14, 2010
I'm still feeling drugged and weak. I've been able to do a few things today, but have to rest a lot. I'm worried about starting on the medication on the weekend. I don't know how I'm now to get the doctor on call and an not sure the pasted on any information anyway. I might just take less of a dose of the medicine to be on the safe side. This was a really bad week and I don't want to go though it again
Friday, August 13, 2010
I finally got the results why I was feeling so badly. I had two critical lab value. I am home trying flush out my system.. I should be feeling better in a day or so. When they adjusted my medicine the forgot to take in account my weight loss. I couldn't get anyone to listen to me which is very scary. Thank you for all your concern. This bi polar disorder may kill me yet.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
I fallen three times today. I don't know if it is a side effect of the increase Dapoke or just pure weakness from the heat, I put in a call to my doctor to see what she has to say. I'm due for a blood level Friday. If I'm not feeling better soon I'm going to try to get some one to tale me to the minor emergency center.
Monday, August 09, 2010
She had two stints put in and is feeling better. She is complaining about the hospital food which is always a good sign. I'm still really feeling sick and having trouble keeping anything down. I'm really too weak to drive to the doctor,but if I'm not any better tomorrow I will really consider it anyway.
I'm am so sick I don't know if you will see me too much on line. I'm so weak I can hardly walk across the floor. I don't know if it's the stress, heat, or abnormal autoimmune labs are causing the problem. So if you don't see me around that's why.
Sunday, August 08, 2010
Just wanting to hear is hard. It's is exhausting. Being miles away doesn't help.They can't have there cell phones on,so its a waiting game. I know things just happen,but I calling "uncle". It's time for sometime good to happen! I'M SO TIRED! My emotions are drained.
Saturday, August 07, 2010
My sister in law is still in ICU. Critical conduction but expected to pull out. Thank you for all your prayers. I really don't trust hospital much since the death of my Son. Today is my daughter and my birthday. She is so far away! We have talked, but I miss her so. This is also my first birthday since Chris's death. This has really been a hard day so far. I'm suppose to go to a religious concert with my x- husband sister tonight. I don't know how that is going to work out considering my emotional state. For lunch I bought a piece of apple pie for my birthday. It made me sicker than a dog. I think it is the first thing sweet that I have eaten since Chris's death. It sounded so good, but boy am I paying for it now. Right Happy Birthday. If the rest of the holidays are like this, I want to find a hole to hide in.Continue to pray for our family. There is a lot of stress right now. WE Need help up because we are getting beaten down to the point I fear we will never get up.
Friday, August 06, 2010
Crying my eyes out. Knowing I must hold on. It will be better. There are people that love me. I know this. Death is NOT the answer. Oh God hear my cries. I have to listen to my own words. Words that I have spoken to others. You are worth it. Don't give up! The mental anguish feels more than I can bear. Keep telling yourself you are worth it. Talk to someone. Reach out for help. Never give up. Think of your wonderful daughter, friends, and love ones. You are not alone.
Thursday, August 05, 2010
I'm crashing and crashing hard. I helped at the SPCA today and really had a hard time concentrating. At least the kitten were cute. They got in a large group last night and they were playing up a storm. Right now I afraid of myself. I'm try to stay safe but really am having a hard time. I waiting on a call back from my therapist. I know I can do this. I've been through this so many times. I hate it when the medicine doesn't seem to help. These are terrible feelings. I hate this! I just have to remember it will pass.
Wednesday, August 04, 2010
Being a rapid cycling bipolar can be exhausting! That is what has been happening the past few days. My doctor is raising my dose of Valproate Acid to off set the raised dose of the antidepressant. I feel like a walking pharmacy! I know she is just trying to control the mania. I got bad news that she will be leaving her office practice at the end of the month. She got a promotion to be the head of the in patient eating disorder program. I'm happy for her, but not looking forward to finding a new doctor. I will see her one more time before she leaves. She ordered some labs on me to have done before my next visit with her. She wanted to know if I wanted I to see the doctor that does the ECT. I said no way because he would want to do it all the time. I just think it has too many side effects for the good it does. Besides the effects only last a short time and it is just not worth it. It's still over a 100 degrees which is miserable. When it's that hot all you can do is stay in the house. I'll try to think cool thoughts the rest of the day.
Tuesday, August 03, 2010
I'm manic, broke and still grieving. I am a mess! It's 104 degrees and too hot to do anything. I got up real early and went to Wal Mart, took two large bags of stuff to the Goodwill, and got gas. I have been cleaning a bit on the house. I should of know with all the racing thoughts this was coming on. I hate it when I get like this and don't have any money. I'm going to try and stay out of trouble by staying in the house. I've set in my Son room and just thought about him and how much I wish he was here. Mine and my daughter birthday is Saturday and I'm really going to miss being with her. We have shared our birthday together for 30 years and now she will be so many miles away from me. Of course I'll call her, but it won't be the same. I know I am rambling, but that is just the way my mind is today. Hope to see some of my blogging friends drop by.
Monday, August 02, 2010
Another night where I can't sleep! This is getting old. I got up did some cleaning hoping that would help me relax enough to fall asleep. No luck so far. I just hate it when I can't shut my mind down. I've taken my nerve medicine, but it's not helping. Maybe if I lay down again I'll have better luck. I hate it when my mind is going a 100 miles per hour. Let me try to think peaceful thoughts.
I just received a call from my daughter that her ultra sound report show a fully intact uterus. There have been many questions and abnormalities with her body. The such joy in her voice has just made me cry with joy. Alice can have some peace and when your child is happy you can not be anything but happy. I just had to blog some good news!
Sunday, August 01, 2010
Sometimes it feels like we are in a fight for our very lives. The good seems to be out weighed by the evil. I've seen so much brokenness and pain. I wonder when the pain will end. My mind is in a constant battle these days. I cry out to God, but I don't seem to find the answers. He has assured me my Son is in heaven, but my pain goes on. I have seen the evilness of child abuse. The lasting scares it causes. I have felt these things first hand and I know what it does to your mind. My mind is in so much turmoil. I'm trying so hard to find rest a peace. A comfort from all the bad things that have happened. I just don't understand. I must not give up. I must hold on to what hope I can. Evil must not win.