Thursday, December 31, 2009

Out WithThe Old In With The New.

Last year was a rough year. My health was a major reason for many of the problems. Therapy was very intense last year and I feel progress was made on healing from the past. My loss of job impacted me greatly. I have always felt comfort in doing it well. It was more than a financial lost. It was a hit on my ability to take care of myself. My support system is not as strong as it was. My best friend moved.

Next year I want to continue my therapy and healing process. I want to do as much as possible to try and improve my health. I want to begin sharing more of myself with others. Start writing about the abuse. I want to be able to help others more. By the end of next year I want to be a more trusting person than I am right now. I want to build a stronger support system.

I want to wish everyone a Happy New Year and thank everyone for all the support you have been for me. I feel I have truly made some last friendship through my blog. I am not alone. Thank you.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Snowing Again

It' snowing again. We almost never have a second snow before the first one is melted. They are working on the highways. The hospital have been full of falls with broken bones. We have had one exposure death. This is just unbelievable! I thankful to be in a warm house.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Really Struggling

I made it to my therapy and doctors appointment. In town the roads are in good shape. I have really been struggling really want to self harm, but know it will only let me feel better for a few moments. Therapy digging into my past has been so hard. Knowing how bad it was has made me so angry! I just want to tear something up. In fact I think I will find something harmless to destroy.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Still Snowed In

Since I have a small car and live a little ways out for the city, we are still snowed in. I have two doctors appointments tomorrow and I'm not sure I am going to be able to get out and go. It has warmed up some, but still well below freezing. The snow is nice to look at, but sure makes it hard to get around.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Cold Weather Moving in Tomorrow

As I am setting here listening to the rain I am thankful that the cold front has not gotten here yet. Tomorrow the rain will be changing to snow, so it looks like we will most likely have a white Christmas. We only average a white Christmas once in every 10 years. I think everybody was at Walmart today. I had to pick up some last minute supplies for Christmas dinner and did not want to do it tomorrow. The turkey is not thawing as fast as I had hoped. It has been in the refrigerator since Monday. I hope it continues to thaw out! I got to keep my eye on the pies that are in the oven. I got my Christmas card from my daughter today and cried like a baby. She said in the card not being at home was " a lot harder than she thought it would be." Of course I called her immediately. I hope everyone last minute plans are going well. Christmas day will soon be here.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009


THANK YOU FOR THE AWARD! I know there is a better way to link but I don't know how to do it.
  1. Just Be Real
  2. Prayer Girl
  3. Mike
  4. 'Tart
  5. Gaia
Please pass this on to 5 other friends. Note all my friends are welcome to this award!

Tears Behind The Smile

This is the season where there are a lot of tears behind the smiles. It seems everybody is busy shopping and exchanging gifts. Many people are hurting and do not allow anyone to see their pain. Suicides are high at this time of year. Depression seems greater when "everybody else" is so happy. Some times Christmas day can be the longest day of the year. I know because I am fighting with all my might to stay above the depression. It hard for me to say that because I try to hide what is going on inside. This blog has been a live saver for me. I can express some of my deepest wounds. I feel love and excepted here with all my flaws. Thank you each of you for your support and kindness this Christmas season.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Many are Struggling

Many people struggle with the Holidays. Past histories, bad memories, absences of family members, lack of money, food, and a thousand other reasons. I wish for all, no matter what is going on, that you find peace in the Holiday season.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Surround Us With Your Love

Dear Father,
Surround us with your love. May we feel peace and joy this day. Fill our hearts with your love for others. For those that are hurting wrap your arms around them. For those that are struggling with food give them peace. Bring your healing as only you can do. Bring comfort to the broken heart. I thank you for being You.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Peace and Happiness

Christmas is around the corner. I wish all my blogging friends peace and happiness.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Does't Everyone Feel This Way?

I'm bipolar and have episodes of severe depression. I some times want to die. I can't cook. I can't clean my house and some times don't get dressed for days. Getting out of bed can be a major undertaking. Does 't every one that has depression feel this way? I have been unable to work for a while. When I'm not depressed people like me. I cycle rapidly ( more than 3 times a year.) My therapist see me as a "very sad child". My psychiatrist is frustrated on the number of medication combination I have been on. I am very interested in hearing if this is so abnormal with my history of bipolar and abusive past. I do find some peace in knowing God cares for me, but He does not seem to help when I am so low.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Wednesday, December 16, 2009


My doctor is wanting to refer me to check into see about ECT (electrical shock therapy). It scares the socks off me! My gut reaction is no way-not in this life time. Has anyone had any experience with this? My psychiatrist is worried about how rapid my bi-polar cycles and the severity of the cycles. Some side effect could be as follows."After receiving Electroshock Therapy, the patient may experience some confusion, nausea, short term memory loss, the inability to concentrate, back pain, muscle stiffness or headaches. There also may be a brief drop in blood pressure, an increase in heart rate or heart rhythm disturbances. Symptoms usually last for about 20-60 minutes following treatment and may be helped with aspirin. Some patients may experience longer-term memory problems." I am desperate for input!

A Bit Better

I woke up this morning feeling a bit better, so I'm going to run with the feeling and thank God! I see my psychiatrist today to discuss my medicine. Maybe my bipolar cycle is getting ready to switch. I'll have to be careful with my money. I've dropped 5 lbs which is great over the holidays. In case things swing back or stop improving I want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas now.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Intense Therapy

I just left an intense therapy session. I'm feeling drained and all cried out. My step dad was really twisted and sick. We talked how I am feeling abandonment issues right now that is making the depression worst. I am feeling raw right now. I am holding on to my friends, family, and faith.
You have all been super in supporting me. Thank you.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Unable to Blog

The depression has been so bad I have been unable to blog. I think I'm seeing a little relieve, but it is very slight. I'm not sure my psychiatrist and therapist are really working together right now. My therapist is having me do some intense work on my past. I'm not sure that is such a good idea with only two weeks left before she takes a break. I also think the holidays are playing a part of the depression. I just hanging in there with a hope this cycle will soon pass.

Monday, December 07, 2009

Thank You

Thank you Audrinna for the award. Thank everyone for you love and support through this difficult time. My doctor said the medication should be kicking in within the next couple of days. This award is available for everyone that has stood by my side.

Sunday, December 06, 2009


I'm so sad. Nothing seems to break it. I had the pastor pray with me today. I feel like I'm going to split into pieces. I hurt so bad. I feel I am dying. The sadness is so great. Something has got to give soon! So many tears.I'm broken.

Friday, December 04, 2009

Therapist Leaving

My therapist told me today that she will be leaving Jan 1 for at least a month or maybe permanently. I just broke down and cried. It's very hard for me to relate to someone and now is not a good time. She said she would be available by phone. I just can not think about it right now. I suppose to do a drawing of anger by my next appointment Monday. I just can't think of this right now. I'm too upset!

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

No 24 Hour Cure

I know better, but I was really hoping to see some change in how I feel by now. It is still really rough. Between the physical pain and the depression it is hard to do anything. I'm still hanging in there, but am really struggling. Thank everyone for dropping by, it really helps. Hugs to all my friends.

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

I'm Hanging in There

Saw my therapist today and she wanted to admit me to the hospital. Instead we agreed to see my psychiatrist and a no self harm contract. My psychiatrist adjusted some medication and I see my therapist again on Friday. I'm still very very depressed, but feel I can be safe at home. Thank all of you for your support,words of encouragement, and prayers.

Monday, November 30, 2009


I feel like such a failure today. I can't seem to do anything right, Right now I just want to hide from the world and hurt myself. I see my therapist tomorrow, but that seems like a life time away. I can't stop crying and feel I am totally out of control. I want to drink myself numb and I don't even drink. I just am not coping at all right now! If I can just remember tomorrow will be better, I think I can make it through the night. Iam really hurting!

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Out of Control

I hung in there for the holidays but I feel everything is coming apart at the seams. Holidays are hard for me, but I did good Thanksgiving day. It has been the days that follow that are really rough. My food is out of control, I binge then purge. I'm sick of this type of living. I sick of being depressed when everyone seems so happy. I'm tired of crying even if I know it is normal for the healing process. I think I am going to call my therapist. I am so sad I not sure I can wait until tomorrow.I'm going back to bed.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Black Friday

I WANT TO SPEND MONEY! It is black Friday, I'm manic, and broke. This is not good. I'm trying to keep myself busy around the house. Maybe I'll put up the Christmas tree. That would keep me busy. I hate when I get this way. I'll give the car keys to my son, so I can not go out shopping. Yes concentrating on decorating and that will keep me busy.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009


I'm getting ready for tomorrow. Cleaning, baking pies and making sure every thing is alright. Just want to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving.

Saturday, November 21, 2009


Right now I am hurting both physically and emotionally, but I still have things to be thankful for. I am thankful for my children. I am thankful for my church. I am thankful for food on the table. I am thankful for my friends both on line and and three D. There is always something to be thankful for even in the hardest times. I wish everyone a safe and Happy Thanksgiving,

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Extra Help For The Holidays

My therapist has increased how frequently she is seeing me right now due to the holidays. I will be seeing her weekly right now. She has been so good at helping me through some really rough spots. My psychiatrist had me see my PCP because of my purging. She had lab and ECG done. My ECG was abnormal so they have me set up for cardiology testing, My tremors have not improved, so they are going to send me to a neurologist. I am suppose to be keeping a food journal and be eating 6 small meals a day. That just seems so wrong to me. I almost never eat breakfast and some times no lunch. I am afraid of what is going to happen to my weight. I'm not a small person, so I think this is the wrong thing to do. It looks like I will be spending all my time and money on doctors. Wish me luck over the next couple of months. This is really a hard time for me. It will also be the first year that I will not be able to see my oldest child for the holidays.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Thank You

For all our Veterans Thank You !

Saturday, November 07, 2009

Hope In Darkness

Hope can be what saves each one of us. We may find it it in a song. A kind word. The eyes of a child. It might come when we think we can no longer make it. It comes to each of us differently. Today I take hope instead of hopelessness.

Monday, November 02, 2009

I Can Not Control Everything

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Today this is what I need to remember. I can not control every thing. There are things that are out of my control. I need to place those in God's hand. Change what I can, but know what I can not change. I try so hard to control everything. I think I'm such a control freak because my past was so out of my control.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Feeling Almost Human

I am not sure what I had, but I sure am glad to feel almost human again. I think working in a doctors office can expose you to just about anything. I am still weak but so much better. I try to get around to some of your blogs, but it is going to be slow. I feel there is so much to catch up on.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Not Feeling Well

I have been under the weather. Hopefully I will soon feel better.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Stop Messing With Me

  • I feel things are out of control and I can't manage them. God says I will supply all your needs.
  • I am always worried and frustrated. God says cast your cares on Me.
  • I can't figure things out right now. God says I will direct your path
I have to have something to stand on now. I am told if you speak the word then God can make things happen. A lot of bad stuff is going on right now, so it was important I write this post. If you pray please do so for me right now. I am at my wits end.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

I Want To Encourage Someone

It seems a lot of my blogger friends are struggling now. I have been too. I am not sure the reason, but everyone seems down. This is a weekend, so let us all try to enjoy it. Find one thing that you feel good about. Just one thing and think about that. Mine is MY SON LOVES ME UNCONDITIONAL. That is cool. If everyone thinks of one thing what a list we would have. Let's try to reflect on one good thing today.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Walking In The Rain

A brisk walk in the rain felt good. The splashing in the puddles made me feel like a child. The cool drops splashing on my face and arms gave me goose bumps. It was nice to feel nature breathing on me. It seemed to help lift the depression. I enjoyed the time alone with nature and enjoyed the little things in life.

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Who Would I Have Been?

If the abuse had not of happen, who would I have been. I am a very kind person who hate to see injustice to any human. I care deeply. I don't trust people easily. I don't like myself much. My faith is weaker than it should be. I have spent thousands of dollars on therapy. I am still hurting. I still have the nightmares. I am flawed. I am still alive. I have not totally given up. I still fight for the right. I HAVE ISSUES! Eating disorder,SI,plus a chemical imbalance. Will I ever know who I am? I feel so alone, but God says He will never leave or forsake me.

Saturday, October 03, 2009

Need for Perfection

I really get down on myself if I feel I can not do something perfect. I don't think I am going to be able to work at different clinics because everything is done differently at each clinic. I must feel in total control and I don't. I am trying to pick up a few hours to supplement my disability. I used to be so good at my job, now doing any type of work is a struggle. How can so much be taken and you still have any confidence. I hate the shaking part. Just venting after a frustrating day.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Therarpist & Eating Disorder

Bulimia Nervosa


"Bulimia nervosa is characterized by recurrent and frequent episodes of eating unusually large amounts of food (e.g., binge-eating), and feeling a lack of control over the eating. This binge-eating is followed by a type of behavior that compensates for the binge, such as purging (e.g., vomiting, excessive use of laxatives or diuretics), fasting and/or excessive exercise.

Unlike anorexia, people with bulimia can fall within the normal range for their age and weight. But like people with anorexia, they often fear gaining weight, want desperately to lose weight, and are intensely unhappy with their body size and shape. Usually, bulimic behavior is done secretly, because it is often accompanied by feelings of disgust or shame. The binging and purging cycle usually repeats several times a week. Similar to anorexia, people with bulimia often have coexisting psychological illnesses, such as depression, anxiety and/or substance abuse problems. Many physical conditions result from the purging aspect of the illness, including electrolyte imbalances, gastrointestinal problems, and oral and tooth-related problems.

Other symptoms include:

  • chronically inflamed and sore throat
  • swollen glands in the neck and below the jaw
  • worn tooth enamel and increasingly sensitive and decaying teeth as a result of exposure to stomach acids
  • gastroesophageal reflux disorder
  • intestinal distress and irritation from laxative abuse
  • kidney problems from diuretic abuse
  • severe dehydration from purging of fluids

As with anorexia, TREATMENT FOR BULIMIA often involves a combination of options and depends on the needs of the individual.

To reduce or eliminate binge and purge behavior, a patient may undergo nutritional counseling and psychotherapy, especially cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), or be prescribed medication. Some antidepressants, such as fluoxetine (Prozac), which is the only medication approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration for treating bulimia, may help patients who also have depression and/or anxiety. It also appears to help reduce binge-eating and purging behavior, reduces the chance of relapse, and improves eating attitude."

I saw my therapist today and she was concerned about my SI and purging. She wants me to call her before I SI. She me if I can control the urge for 20 min it would pass. I think about it all the time. She is also concerned about my recent increase of laxatives and vomiting. I feel my weight is out of control, but this doesn't seem to be helping much. I just feel my whole life is out of control right now. I have to gain some control. She say I have control of my time and I need to be attending some group meeting. We talked a lot about weight issues today and my eating disorder. I still very depressed.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Will I Ever Get Better?

My journey has been a long one. The night mares and flashbacks. What I do to myself. The cutting, the vomiting, laxatives, and self loathing. I never can measure up. I'm always flawed. My therapist says she wish I could see what she sees in me. I hurt so bad I feel my chest is going to burst. I feel my life is spiralling out of control. I try to do things that are helpful to other people. I try to hold on to my faith. HOW DO YOU HANG ON WHEN EVERYTHING IS BROKEN? I am really struggling.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Rapid- Cycling Bipolar Disorder

"Some people may be diagnosed with rapid-cycling bipolar disorder. This is when a person has four or more episodes of major depression, mania, hypomania, or mixed symptoms within a year. Some people experience more than one episode in a week, or even within one day. Rapid cycling seems to be more common in people who have severe bipolar disorder and may be more common in people who have their first episode at a younger age. One study found that people with rapid cycling had their first episode about four years earlier, during mid to late teen years, than people without rapid cycling bipolar disorder. Rapid cycling affects more women than men.

Bipolar disorder tends to worsen if it is not treated. Over time, a person may suffer more frequent and more severe episodes than when the illness first appeared. Also, delays in getting the correct diagnosis and treatment make a person more likely to experience personal, social, and work-related problems.

Proper diagnosis and treatment helps people with bipolar disorder lead healthy and productive lives. In most cases, treatment can help reduce the frequency and severity of episodes."

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Friend Moving

One of my best friends is moving. She sold her house and will be moving to a different town. Right now she will be moving in with her daughter. We do things together on the weekends, so I am really going to miss her. We will still talk on the phone, but it won't be the same as going out to lunch. This is really going to be hard on me. I'm crying right now just thinking about it. I hate emotions!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Couting Sheep, Chicks or What Ever

Well counting sheep,chicks or what ever isn't working. So what's new? Another night reading blogs and flipping through the stations on the TV. Bad thing is I got a early morning meeting with my therapist. Maybe that's the problem. I think too much. Therapy has been rough recently. May be it is scaring me off. If things get too overwhelming I freak out and shut down when things get too intense. I didn't sleep last night either. Nightmares. I hate PTSD. I least I know I am not alone. I have meet so many kind blogger that have really help me. For this I am thankful. It is great to me able to express yourself and feel the love and support of other. It is nice to know you are not alone.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Friends ,Faith , & Family

Today is a good day to remember the three most important"F's" in our lives.
  1. Friends. They know when to say the right words to encourage us, or push us pass a point we can't get over by ourselves. They laugh with us, cry with us and are always there for us.
  2. Faith. Something to believe in when nothing looks bright. A hope and joy in times of sadness. Words of wisdom to live by.
  3. Family. My son is always there to remind me that no matter what happen in the past good can come from life.

Friday, September 18, 2009

A Break

My emotions are all over the place. From giddy to crying my eyes out. I am spending the evening with a friend, so maybe that will help. I am really tired of the crying. Just dinner and a movie, but at least I'll be out of the house.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Medication Adjustment

Due to some side effects my psychiatrist is making medication adjustments again. I'm nervous and anxious today. She is decreasing my Depakote and increasing my Abilify. I heard some bad things about Abilify, so I am a little concerned. I am suppose to check in with her after the weekend. She is very good about getting back with me. I think she is a concerned doctor that really cares about her patients. I feel lucky that she has been so good to me. These emotions are like being on a roller coaster . You would think I would be used to it by now!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

How I Contribute to My Own Rejection

This is what my therapist want me to write about. How I contribute to my own rejection. I believe I expect that things are always going to go wrong, so I guess that can be seen as a negative person. I know I am very compassionate, so that not a problem. I really don't like myself, so maybe that comes across. To me is seems most people like me, but I just can not let anyone close. I tend to push people away I think. I fear rejection more than I need to. I don't know. I going to have to think about this one.

Monday, September 14, 2009


Well I just finished seeing my psychiatrist and she is making some med changes. I am hoping this will help the tremors and decrease my appetite. She is now having me weigh in and keep a nutritional log. She doe not want my calorie intake to drop below 1500 calories, which seems like a lot to me. She doesn't trust that I won't just drop the calories to almost nothing myself.Tomorrow it is the therapist where most of the real work is done. For now that is all I can think of.

Wide Wake

Despite the fact I have taken a sleeping pill, I'm wide wake. I'm having trouble shutting down my mind that is racing at 100 miles per hour. Too many things going on.
I see my psychiatrist this afternoon and I am going to ask her if one of my new medicines is causing me to shake. Some times it is so bad I can't get my fork or spoon to my mouth without dropping the food. My hand writing is now barely legible. Typing has become quite difficult. Anyway something has caused this and needs to be addressed.
Tuesday I see my therapist and boy do I have a lot to discuss with her. I have been following Just Be Real posts from the book The Courage to Heal and it has been very triggering, I think this is a good thing for me. The book has open up a lot of questions on my own healing.
I really guess I should try to get some sleep. I have already cleaned the house and there is nothing on TV.

Saturday, September 12, 2009


Therapy seems to be causing me to have increased memories and flash backs. The last two days has been very intense. I am having a lot of body memories. My sleep is restless and I am very tense. I believe this will be a good thing, but it is rough right now. I hoping someday total healing will come. I am hoping that remembering the abuse will open up the door for some good memories to come back also. I have almost no memories prior to my 18th birthday. I would like to think that there was some good in my childhood.

Thursday, September 10, 2009


Let us remember 9/11/01 and pray for those lives that were forever changed.


Today is suicide prevention day. I have been there thinking it was the only answer. IT IS NOT! Suicide is not painless. It causes great pain to those we leave behind. Yes there is always someone that will be greatly affected.

If you are in a suicide crisis, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

God Cares

I'm tired and in pain today, so I must go to my chart about what God says.

God Says: My grace is sufficient for you ( II Corinthians 12:9)
God Says: I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28-30)

This helps knowing He cares for me. My emotions are frazzled. I think I'm a mess, but God is there. I know without Him I would not be able to make it some days.

Sometimes I question these truths because of things that have happen, but again I know He must care.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009


*******Possible triggering*******

I still can not see the face of my stepfather. I feel the restraints on my limbs as I am held tightly down. The smell of alcohol and tobacco are strong. There is pain in my vaginal area and burning as he penetrates me. He is so strong and I am so small. He makes moaning noises as he continues to relieve himself. When he is finished he tells me "little girls who tell stories disappear and are never seen again." I hurt and cry all alone. I feel dirty and unclean. I want to die, yet live.

Sunday, September 06, 2009

My Son

I fear my son might be undiagnosed bipolar. He is being treated for anxiety and depression, but he has really bad mood swing. His sleep is erratic and seems to have fits of anger. Some times he will go days without sleep. I wish his psychiatrist would look more closely to see if he is indeed bipolar. He is about the age I was when I was first diagnosis as being bipolar.

Saturday, September 05, 2009


Seems all I can do for the past few days is sleep. I am so depressed I can not stand to be awake to think about anything. I will do just about anything right now to not think. I keep crying and I hate that. I do that alone where no one can see me. Why can I not accept that things may always be this away. I hate my mood swings. I hate the side effects of my medicine. Right now I just want to stop crying.

Wednesday, September 02, 2009


I'm having anxiety today about my lost of income. I still can get calls to come in and work, but I do not have any guarantees. I already stress every month over making it. I'm also very nervous about working at different places. I am trying to relax and believe this is for my own good, but I am having trouble with that. With my new medicines I have tremors that are worst when I am stressed, so I am very concerned. I wonder if this is a test of my faith. "All things work together for the good of them that love Him." Maybe this will build back some of the confidence I have lost over the last couple years. Right now I'm still in the anxiety mode.

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Rough Day

Today has been a rough day.
  1. Found out today the clinic I've been working part time no longer needs me. Cost cut backs. I can not say it was a total shock,but still is going to make things more difficult. I'm having some side effects from my medication which makes it difficult to type. I never know till the morning if I am needed to work.
  2. Found out that I had hurt my son feeling by not offering to take him to see a movie the other day. Offered today but there was nothing showing he wanted to see,
  3. Really rough therapy session. When she asked what I liked about myself physically, I said nothing. I see myself as fat and ugly. Something no one would want. We talked about the hurting child inside me and my lack of feeling safe.We talked about my dreams.
  4. I'm in a lot of physical pain today.
  5. I'm sad today.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Just Feeling Good.

I just feeling good today. No real reason, but I would like to share that with everyone.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Crying Child

Since I have been keeping my dream journal, I've notice there is a recurring theme. There is a crying child that wants something from me. The child is always young, about 4-5 years old or less. Maybe it is my inner child. I will be interested to see what my therapist says next week.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Lean on Me

The words to the song Lean on Me have been going through my head today. They are so true! "Sometimes in our life we all have pain , we all have sorrow. But if we are wise,we know there is always a tomorrow." The wisdom is knowing there is a tomorrow. I have found my blogging friends to be there for me. I can "Lean on" them when I am not strong.

Sometimes others might not understand. So I am so glad we have each other to lean on!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Intense Therapy Part I

We started what my therapist called intense therapy today. We went over a line graft about when the abuse started and how it continued into a bad marriage. Things were pretty painful. We talked about how my childhood set me up for a bad marriage. How I severely lacked knowledge to know what was normal and not abusive.The session made me kind of sick at my stomach. She said to keep a record of my dreams and flashbacks,because the deeper we go the more likely I will have some "bad ones".

We talked about the guilt I felt for both my childhood abuse and for not realizing that all homes were not violent. She ask if my children knew that I loved them and that is one thing I know for sure that my children knew I loved them. My regret about my marriage is I did not leave sooner. The physical abuse in the marriage was always directed at me. My X was verbally abusive to the children. I was the "bread winner",because his temper caused him to loose many jobs. I feel guilty that I left them home with him. At the time I thought it was the best thing. Again if I could do it all over I would have divorced the man a lot sooner.

Sunday, August 23, 2009


I made it to church today. I wish my faith was stronger. I love the music because it always uplifts my spirits. I have been resting most of the rest of the day because I have a bad headache. I know there are others that are really struggling right now and I want to post something encouraging. No matter how dark it looks there is someone that care for you. Never give up. Do what ever it takes to keep on going.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Not Feeling

I'm not feeling anything, just emptiness. I'm not happy and not sad, just nothingness. I do not like this feeling. Maybe something is going to happen. Maybe it's because of medication. I am shaking all over. This is scary to me.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

My Baby is Back!

My car is back! I am so glad. I hated being stranded with out my poor little baby. She not pretty to look at, but she runs!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009


fun quiz for myspace profile and blog

Lets101 Quizzes -

Feeling Caged

I'm feeling caged right now because I don't have a car at the moment. I miss that poor beat up thing. Hopefully I'll have it back by tomorrow or the next day. I can't get anything done! It's been out of commission since Sunday. Whine ,whine, whine.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Feeling Afraid

I have a feeling of doom hanging over me this evening. I'm in physical pain and it is affecting my emotions. I very afraid to go to bed. I will try all my tricks, the stuffed dog etc, but I feel this is going to be a rough night.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

What God Says

You Say: It's impossible
God Says: All things are possible (Luke 18:27)

You Say : I am too tired
Gods Says: I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28-30)

You Say: I can't go on
God Says: My grace is sufficient for you ( II Corinthians 12:9)

You say: Nobody really loves me
God Says: I love you (John 3:16)

You Say: I can't do it
God Says: You can do all things (Philippians 4:13)

You Say: I am always worried and frustrated
God Says: Cast all your cares on Me (I Peter 5:7)

You say: I feel all alone
God Says: I never leave you or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5)

I have found this chart helpful on many days when I have been struggling.

Wall of Stone

A little child learn to build her wall of stone.
No arms to comfort her, she was all alone.
Each stone was placed with grief and pain.
She cried and prayed, but no one came.

She built the wall higher each day.
This wall was to keep her pain away.
She did not know this wall of stone,
Would soon become her prison home.

Now numb and frozen in this place.
She never was really safe.
No one would hurt her any more.
To her soul, she had closed the door.

She tried to leave this world behind.
She looked and looked, but could never find
Any hope, any joy, any safe place here
Her life was now too full of fear.

In desperation she prayed and cried,
"Oh, Jesus why haven't I died? "
Jesus reached down and took her by the hand.
He said in love "I'll help you stand."

Together they are tearing down the wall of stone.
Replacing it with a heavenly home.
Now she has joy and peace within.
She no longer is under the curse of sin

Sunday, August 09, 2009


I'm suppose to be doing a "loss graft" of my life for my therapist.It is to show how life events had a negative effect on me. Before my first birthday my father left. My mom had another child with another man, who was killed while drunk by a train at the age of three. Then come the real problems. At four my new step dad started molesting me. How many losses is that? The molestations, rapes and beatings lasted until I left at 16. I feared for my life from this man. How do you graft that? That's only the first 16 years.

Thanks Mike

Welcome to all my friends that visit.

Friday, August 07, 2009


It's my Birthday today. I am suppose to go to dinner with a friend. I am just very nervous about going out. I already had a panic attack thinking about it.

Thursday, August 06, 2009


"Following are some of the major symptoms of Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). -- Exaggerated startle response -- Loss of memory (forgetfulness) -- Sleep disorders (nightmares and waking up suddenly during the night) -- Flashbacks / images of the traumatic incident that keeps coming back to haunt you -- Poor concentration -- Hypervigilance (very similar to, but not paranoia) -- Hypersensitivity -- Extreme irritability -- Anger over petty issues with violent outbursts -- Obsessiveness -- Extreme nervousness and anxiety -- Muscle aches and pains for no apparent reason -- Unexplained fear -- Low self-esteem -- Lack of confidence -- Experience a sudden numb feeling -- Avoiding anything that reminds you of the traumatic experience"

By Kaven Mathias
I suffer from PTSD because of sexual and child abuse. The flashbacks are the worst part of PTSD for me. I must admit I have all of the symptoms to some degree or another.

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Having Bad Tremors Today

I'm having bad tremors today, so it is difficult to type. I'm not sure why some days are so bad. Typing a lot does make it worst. Maybe I have overdone it in the last few days. They increased my Depakote five days ago, but my level is therapeutic. It is just frustrating to try to type.

Monday, August 03, 2009


I so badly need to talk with my therapist but I can't afford the appointment. I need to talk about the nightmares that have been so bad lately. I'm so jumpy. Nobody can even say anything without me jumping out of my skin. I did some SI to relieve the stress. It only helps a little while, then it is followed by shame. My health care is the pits. I really need to be seeing my therapist weekly right now. I just had to vent.

Sunday, August 02, 2009

What Causes Bipolar Disorder?

  • I have been reading a book to help me understand my wide mood swings, The book is: The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide,by David Miklowitz,PhD. This was recommended by my thearpist. Under the section fact sheet for family is a good explanation which I have quoted below.
"Having bipolar disorder means I have imbalances in the brain's neurochemistry involving the way the cells communicate with each other. Nobody chooses to become bipolar. It is possible I inherited these imbalance from my blood relatives,although not necessarily my parents. My mood swings may be affected by life stress or sudden changes in my sleep-wake habits."

Life has been very stressful,which might be why the mood swings are so much worst. I thought this was interesting and thought I would share it.

I Tried

I tried to go to church this morning, but I had a panic attack and had to leave. I had been anxious all morning, but thought I could do it. It's not even a big church, just a couple hundred people. I only talked to about 10 people before I started to panic. I feel so numb. People need other people, so why do I find a need to avoid them. I just freak out in crowds.

Friday, July 31, 2009

Today is Positive Day

  1. I am so thankful I can say I am healing from the scars of sexual abuse.
  2. I am thankful for two wonderful children.
  3. I am thankful for my friends in blogging land and the support they give me.
  4. I am thankful that God gives me strength, when I am weak.
  5. I am thankful for those that accept and love me in spite of my faults.

I Want to Sleep

I need to go to sleep,but my mind is racing. I been having nightmares anyway, so I not sure why I want to sleep for anyway. I have been messing with my blog trying to add a meter counter,but I am not having any luck. Maybe I just need to give it a rest.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

So It 's Raining

I was just thinking, that some times rain spoils our plans, but in the end it cause green grass and flowers. I am looking forward to my brighter day.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009


I know you are not suppose to become weary, but I am. I am so tired of trying to remain stable. I am tired of struggling with the severe mood changes and the sadness that overwhelms me almost daily. I can't think straight and make stupid mistakes. Seems like I can only handle life a few minutes at a time. Someone Please tell me I am not alone. I am so stressed!

Sunday, July 26, 2009


My sister found two lumps in her breasts and had to have both breasts removed. Her kidneys are not strong enough for chemo-therapy,so they want to try her on an experimental drug. This is her second bout with cancer and I am very worried about her. I'm trying to save up enough money to go visit her. It seems there is always more month than money.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

My Very Frist Post "Broken No More"

I was just a little girl of four,
When my daddy started coming to my door.
He said his touch was a special treat,
For his girl innocent and sweet.

I learned to cry myself to sleep.
The pain I felt was far to deep.
The room felt oh so dark and cold.
Oh the damange to my soul.

I learned the rules and played the game.
My life would never be the same.
The hate I felt, I turned within.
This was all because of sin.

The walls I built turned my heart to stone.
No one could see I was all alone.
I never learned to laugh and play.
I only learned to run away.

Jesus looked down and saw my pain.
He wants to rid me of my shame.
He saw the beauty hidden within.
Jesus is putting me back together again.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Just Need to Talk

Tonight I need to talk where I won't be judged. A 3-D friend really hurt me, by saying "Your just a mental case and you need to get over your past". True, I am bi-polar and have PTSD, but really. I am trying to heal from the past. She told me everyone has "bad things" happen when they are children, but only a "weak person" would let it mess up their life.

I suffered both physical and sexual abuse for several years by my step-dad. My mother did not protect me, in fact she helped. I feared for my life more than once. There was no safety for me, no one to stop the abuse. I coped by learning to leave my body. Then it wasn't real. BUT IT WAS REAL! I am getting better slowly. I may never be "normal". I just needed someone to talk with that understands. Abuse hurts.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Feeling Good

I feel great today. I don't know why, but I'm enjoying it!

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Some Days are Harder

  1. Some days are harder than others, but I have to believe things will get better. The Depakote ER and Abilify seem to be helping stabilize my moods. I am still depressed so I am also on Celexa . Something is causing me to have a lot of stomach problems since they changed my meds. I can not imagine having a month when there is no depression, no wanting to SI, or no crying myself to sleep. I keep busy. Maybe not enough, but with all my health issues, I do the best I can.
  2. Today I went to church. I so much enjoy the music, but with all those people around, I still felt alone. I wish I had stronger faith. I wish I wasn't so frighten of people.
  3. Money! Why does it have to be such a big issue. I guess I should say the lack of money. Any unexpected expense just blows me out of the waters. The next two months are going to be really rough!