Saturday, April 28, 2012

Humpty Dumpty

"Humpty  Dumpty set on a wall
My first four years of life
Innocent and pure

Humpty Dumpty took a great fall
12 years of childhood  sexual, physical, and mental abuse 
24 years of marital sexual, physical, and mental abuse
{Domestic Violence}
The death of my beloved son

All the king's horses and all the king's men
 Friends and family
My children
The good things in my life

Couldn't put Humpty back together again"
God can You put me back together again?

Friday, April 27, 2012

Ups And Downs

Its totally crazy that the least little thing can put me on an emotional roller coaster.

I have found something I really enjoyed doing. It's fabric painting. My first attempt was a set of pillow cases for a dear set of friends. I wish I had scanned them so  I could have posted them. They weren't perfect, but I think they are pretty good. They were pink flowers on a green vein. I have an idea for some tee shirts I want to try. It is so much fun!

I got very upset about a lawn care notice I got today.  I called the complex and the said it was just "trim" notice. They apparently did not like how it was trimmed.  A friend does my lawn care and there is NO WAY I'm going to say anything to him! My complex can be so anal.
Therapy was really rough today. I  really hope talking about some of this stuff will be helpful. My therapist told me to call her if things got too rough. She was also checking to make sure I have a good  support system in place. She wanted to know about my weekend plans to make sure I was not alone. I told her about my small group meeting on Sunday and she just wanted to make sure I stayed safe.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

I Not Sure What To Do

I'm really not sure what to do. I have been having a lot of pain from my arthritis and lupus syndrome. I am having difficulty walking. My SED rate is very elevated. This measures inflammation. My doctor is talking about starting me on a new drug. The problem is the medication can be dangerous and has a lot of side effects. I know one person on the drug and it makes her very sick the day she takes it. It is only taken one day  a week. The medicine really helps her the rest of the week and she is able to carry on a normal life style. I am not sure it is worth the risks. I see the doctor in a couple of weeks and that is when we will make the decision. I will be praying that I make the right decision.

On another note, my cat had what looked like a tumor growing on his belly. I took him to the vet today to find out it was just a large fat pad. Boy did I feel stupid. We are suppose to slowly cut back the amount of food he eats. He is NOT a happy camper! He cries like a baby for more food and rubs against the cabinet the food is kept in. I guess this will just be a slow project.

I am a little nervous about my therapy appointment this week. I had a lot of intense homework that stirred up a lot of emotions. I do want to heal. I guess anything worth having takes some work and pain to get to the final result.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

What God Had To Say

I tried writing a letter to God.I discovered I had too many questions that I had no answers to. I also discover that my questions made me angry. I know God knows this and excepts me as I am, but I was too angry with God to share the letter.
Here is the letter God wrote to me:

Dearest Wanda,
 I know all your pain. I know how broken and damaged you are from all that has happen to you. I know you are angry and hurt that I did not prevent these horrible things that happened to you. Your brokenness and damage can be healed. You are not too damaged to heal. Yes it will take faith, love of friends, hard work, and therapy to fix all the damage that has been done, but it is possible. Don't give up because you are worth the effort.
You deserve to heal because you have so much goodness and love inside you. You can help other broken people. You have already had a positive influence on many lives. You truly deserve the peace that comes from healing.
You are worthy to heal. Your life can be a blessing to other wounded people. Your kindness and love for others makes you so worthy to heal.
My desire is for you to be healed and whole.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

A Letter From God

In therapy I was given the assignment to write a letter from God. The letter is suppose to contain three items. 

  1. Why I deserve to heal
  2. Why I am not to damaged to heal
  3. Why I am worthy to heal
I have always thought of myself as "damaged goods". I have never thought of myself as deserving to be whole or worthy to be healed. I have some how felt that all the things that have happened in my life were some how my fault. If I had been stronger or a better person these things would not have happened. I have never thought of myself as loveable or deserving of love. I have always been afraid of  God. I have thought Jesus was cool, but have been fearful of letting go and trusting God. A bit crazy right? When I get the letter done I might post it. I am having some difficulty composing the letter.

Monday, April 16, 2012

The Ramp That Soutpark Built!

Men Starting To Build The Deck 
A Work In Progress
 Neither Rain Nor Sunshine Will Stop This Project
 A Step Closer
Alice Ready For A Test Drive
 Ready To Take The Old Deck Away
A Special Thanks To Joel Who Headed The Project

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

It Hurts

Somebody just knocked at my door looking for Chris. They said '' you know your son that builds computes."
 Yes they were looking for my Chris. They described him to a tee.They said they thought they say him a  few days ago. I had to tell them he was gone and that the were mistaken about seeing him. I couldn't help it, I cried. It still hurts so bad! I miss him so much.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Sooo Exhausted!

I'm so exhausted. It's been 48 hours with zero sleep and I'm only getting 2-3 hours sleep on "good" nights! I'm feeling pulled in so many directions that I think I'm going to come apart at the seams. I guess my anxiety  level is through the roof. I'm so tired I actually started crying because I needed to do some grocery shopping. I just couldn't do it! I am in severe physical pain due to a flare up of my lupus. My balance is really off too. I fell in the bathtub and really bruised both of my legs. I looked up some side effects of some of my medications and that might be some of the problem. I see my physician on Thursday and am going to talk with him about this. Friday and Saturday I'm going to spend some time at my friends house to give myself a break. I just need some FUN! 

Tuesday, April 03, 2012

Why Don't I Remember?

Can anyone relate to not remembering traumatic events? I talked with my best friend and sister today and both of them told me about events that I just can't remember. The one event was only about 15 years ago when I asked my friend to borrow some money to bail my X out of jail. I just don't remember it at all. I can't remember why he was in jail or anything about it!

My sister was telling all sorts of things that I just don't remember. I do know my childhood was very traumatic. I know my step dad was cruel and sexually abused both my sister and I, but mostly from what I have been told. I can only remember one horrible sexual assault my step dad made. Mostly my mind is a big blank slate.

The most traumatic event ever in my life was when my Chris died. I can remember every detail and emotion I felt. Maybe it's true that there is nothing more traumatic than the death of your child. Maybe that is why the pain is so great even today.

I was just wondering if this was just a coping skill I developed when I was young just to block every thing bad out of my life. I'm am just curious if this has happened to anyone else.

Sunday, April 01, 2012

It Died!

My computer just died. It started giving me all these errors, then it just died. I'm using Alice's laptop. It's going to take me about 6 months before I can afford a new one. I hate that the computer died because Chris gave the computer. Yes I cried. RIP computer. I'm glad Alice loaned me her laptop.