Sunday, October 31, 2010
It was after 3 AM when my panic attack was under enough control that I could finally fall asleep. I woke up again at 6 AM s in severe pain. I took two Lortab and finally dozed back to sleep until 8 AM. I was emotionally depleted and in desperate need of feeling like someone cared. I decided I would go to church and very glad I did. The sermon was on Love. Those of you that follow my blog know how much I feel this is the only way to heal. Giving and receiving love is so important. I don't know if I just looked like I needed to be loved today or what, but I felt so much love today I was just sobbing with a peace I haven't felt in awhile. Loving each other is what this world needs to be about. My blog was filled with those expressing their love and concern for me. You just don't know how much my friends both in the "cbyer world" and "real world" have kept me going this year. As long as I continue to breath I will try to love people no matter if they may not be considered the "norm" or "different" because I am excepted with all my flaws and differences.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
I don't know why this happen, but some nights I am filled with over whelming fear and anxiety. I am trying to talk myself down,but I am having a very difficult time doing it. I can't stand to be in my bed right now. I just feel total panic. I have taken my anxiety medicine but thus far it has not helped. I have been on my own for a very long time.I don't understand why I have these episodes. It hurts to breath.I feel like a small child that is going to be hurt. It's to late to call anybody. Maybe if I turn on the TV the noise will help. I'm literally afraid to walk from one room to another. I've checked all the door locks. There is no logical reason for me to be doing this. I'm going to try and calm myself down. I hate this!
My kids used to love Halloween. I had so much fun making them costumes. We also used to have contest at work and my department would almost always win. We would do themes like the Wizard of Oz and other things. My kids favorite costume was when I had them dressed as aliens. They were so cute! I love to see the little kids all dressed up. The little princess, animals, and ghosts. I need to head out to the dollar store to pick up a few more treats before this evening. The newspaper said tonight would be trick or treat in our town. Someone had a great idea about giving out crayons. I'm going to see if I can find some small boxes at a reasonable price. I also think I going to look at my photo albums and remember how happy my children were when they were small. Happy kids is such a wonderful sight and a source of joy in my heart.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Sometimes I just don't know if I can do it. I have chronic physical pain. It hurts to move, to sit, to stand, or even to be touched. My rheumatologist gives me as many pain pills as I need a month, but I hate taking them all the time. I'm also on other medicine for the disorder, but it is a chronic autoimmune disease, so basically you have to just live with it.
On top of this is the depression which I lived with since I was 12 years old. I do think the Abilify maybe helping. I have only been on it for a couple of weeks, but it might just be the "drug of choice" for me. The only problem is the copay for it is $64.00 and that is quite a bit when you take as many medications as I do.(Plus I'm on a fixed income-disability) I am afraid of my own thoughts. I have a fear that I will someday die at my own hand, because the emotional and physical pain is so bad. Most of the time I think I do a "fair job" of controlling my impulses. I guess being bipolar doesn't help much. I believe if I would just die I would go to heaven, but for some reason I am still alive. Maybe the reason I'm still alive is for my precious daughter. She lives so far away from me, but we have a great relationship. We talk to each other almost everyday. She has been though so much in her life I wish I had a magic wand to take way all her pain. I would make the world right. Hate would be gone. No abuse. I still believe love is the greatest healer.
I am tired all the time. Simple things like cleaning my house has to be done in small little steps and rest between "jobs". I may wake up with such good intentions, but I am still trying. I look at people that are much older than myself and I can not even begin to keep up with them. Maybe someday this will all make sense or maybe it just won't matter. Hope everyone has a great weekend.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
It is a very big myth if you think you get any rest in the hospital! I am so exhausted I don't know which end is up. My two cat had a hey day in the house while I was gone. My floor lamp was knocked over, there was cat hair every where, and I just know they did all the things they are not suppose to do since I was here to tell them NO! Well I'm just going to work on things slowly and do what I feel like and rest in between. I got the living room floor vacuumed, started a load of laundry, and cleaned the litter boxes. Time for a break so I'm trying to catch up on my emails and blogging. I guess I should try to eat something. It seems my blood sugars run on the low side. We have a very strong history of diabetic in my family and I sure don't need to add anymore health issues to my problems. I really miss reading everyone blog when I'm away. Looking forward to catching up on what's going on in everybody's life.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
I had a couple of"Black Out Spells" where I lost vision in both of my eyes. I just got out of the hospital tonight. My Cat Scan and MRI of the brain looked good. No strokes or anything. They didn't have the heart studies back yet, but they let me go anyway. They believe it could have been a combination of causes. Ocular Migraine or my heart rate dropping too low. When I was in the hospital my heart rate dropped several times in the upper 30's to the lower 40's. My BP would also drop at this time to the 80/40. They took me off one of my medications and said I should be fine. I don't have a lot of faith in doctors anymore, but they let me go home with a pulse in the 40's. I do have a history of migraines, but have never totally lost my vision before. I guess we will just go on and hope for the best. I am still very tired and weak, but maybe being off that medicine will help in a couple of days.
Monday, October 25, 2010
I'm in severe pain today. I had to go out to get some supplies and I didn't think I was going to make it home. My vision began to blur and I could barely see. I think I will spend most of the day resting since every little movement causes severe pain.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
For some reason I felt the need to share this. It might be "Triggering" and a bit graphic , so please take care of yourself first. I guess I'll just start at the beginning. At they very young age of 4, my mother was on her 3rd marriage. She chose to leave her first three children with my Grandmother. My mother chose this man over her own children. I am grateful to this day for Grandmother. She was a very "religious" person. I believe her faith was genuine, but far too controlled by the fear of "sinning". I remember so many things that she consider sin. You had to wear only dresses if you were a girl. You never cut your hair. Dancing was definitely of the devil. Just too many rules and no no's and very little joy. I believe she tried to do her best however.
My stepfather was a cruel, mean,alcoholic, and perverted. Part of the time my mom would take me over to her house and he would touch me in ways that were very inappropriate. I was so young when this started( 4-5 years old). It seemed I was scuffled from house to house and no one really wanted me. I so disparately wanted someone to want me. As I grew older my stepfather's "foundling" became more aggressive and he would penetrate me with his hands and other objects.
At a very young age I started having "black outs" or began to dissociate. This would happen while he was hurting me and also at other times when I was in school. In the first grade I often would just walk out of school without remembering why or how I had done it. It was a different time when I was a child. No one questioned the parents, you were just labeled a "bad" child. We were all severally beaten when we were children leaving marks on our bodies that no one ever questioned.
The first very brutal rape I remember I was about 10 years old. I had did something " wrong" (put on a bathing suit and went swimming with some friends) My stepfather and my mother picked me up and beat me severely. I was then taken to their house. He told me he was going to teach me a lesson about "what happens to little sluts". I was tied hand and foot to the bed and repeated raped. I remember there being so much blood. I keep blacking out to endure the pain. After that time when ever I had to go to their house there was the chance I would be rapped again. This continue for several years. He was getting bolder and even would rape me at my Grandmother house in the basement.
My first suicide attempt was when I was about 12 years old. I took a razor and deeply cut my arms. The scars remain today. They took me to a doctor and told them I had fallen and cut myself during the fall. Still no one questioned what was going on. This is also about the time I started having problems with food and the beginnings of my eating disorder.
To make a long story short the abuse continued until I was about 16 years of age. He died of liver disease from his drinking. I had a mental "break down" when I was 18 and I totally blacked out my past. I do believe my inner child died at that time. I moved away from home and in my own mind I was a virgin again.
I next met a man that showed some interest in me. We were soon married and his true nature came out. He was very abusive and would beat on me repeatedly. He was also sexual inappropriate but I did not recognize the signs. I continued to black outs and dissociate. We had two children which later after we were divorced he confessed that he"may have molested" them. He called me at work and told me he and his new wife had been arrested for molesting their daughter. They are both in prison now.
I had been hospitalized several times for depression and my black out at this time. I wasn't attending a church at this time but a co -worker that knew I was having problems suggested I talk with her pastor. I went to see him and did everything possible to make the man dislike me.
Knowing he was pastor I said horrible things about "how if there was a God then he most be totally evil not to care about the children in the world". Pastor Randy didn't correct me or tell how wrong I was to think such things.We met several time before I walked in to his church on a Sunday morning. As time went on I continue to talk with him. He knew I was a single mom and would come over to my house to help fix things and help with the yard work. He really lived what he talked. Finally he left the church to work in another part of the state. We still keep in touch. He even came back in town to help me when Chris died. He did his memorial service too. I do believe Randy saved my life. I miss him so much even though we continue to talk monthly.
I continue to fight depression. I most likely always will. I sometimes have very dark thoughts. I sometime want to die to find some peace. I'm in therapy and on medicine. I am still very wounded. I'm having less dissociation than I used to. I have to admit I did it quite frequently after Chris' death. I'm glad the "caring for others" has never died in me. Believe me when I say I know I'm not totally well. Maybe some of my thinking is all messed up, but that OK too. Maybe someday I will be able to help "the little girl inside me." I do hope so. I am so thankful that someone took time to care about me! That is my goal in life to reach out and care for those who so desperately need someone to care about them.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Today I'm struggling with so many unresolved feelings. My therapist has had to cancel a couple of visits and I'm surprised about how lost that makes me feel. I'm keeping fairly busy so I don't have time to think too much. I want to become a healthy productive person. It just sometimes seems so far out of my reach. I see people smiling and enjoying life and wonder what it would be like to be joyful. I care for people and animals. I know I am a good person. I just really lack joy and happiness. I read so many stories about survivors that really seem to be happy. I wounder why nothing seems to help my depression. I read any uplifting thing I can get my hands on. I'm out there trying to help others. Am I just too broken to fix? I've seen God answer prayers, so I have to believe He cares. I know that I can make it today, so if it takes just one day at a time,so be it. I chose to continue to try to get better!
PS I just received a call from my daughter that Chris' computer that I sent her arrived in pieces. I am totally devastated!That computer was Chris' life and now it is destroyed by reckless handling of people who just didn't care. I insured the computer, but that doesn't take away the pain of losing his most treasure procession. I feel I have failed him again. I'm a nurse and I couldn't save him when he was dying. I don't think I can take much more pain. I guess I'm a real nut job right? My daughter has contacted UPS to see what they are going to do about it. I tried to talk to them, but I just couldn't stop crying.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
I may not know the reasons that some must die so young. I may not know why some struggle with mental illness daily. I may not know why some must fight with eat disorders. I may not know why there is sexual and child abuse. I may not know why some suffer such physical pain. I may not know why people hurt each other . BUT I do believe there is Someone who cares for each broken heart and we are here to help each other.
Monday, October 18, 2010
I got up early for a 8AM psychiatrist appointment. He really wants me to go to a day treatment program, but I've got so many other doctors appointments I just can't do it right now. He started me on Abilify today along with my other medicines. He wants me to get several labs checked, so I guess I'll do that Wednesday morning. I packed up Chris's PC to send to his Sister today. She has been having a lot of computer problems. I had a real difficult time being in Chris' room and packing the most treasured item that he owned. I know he would want Alice to have it, but it was very painful for me to do. I miss seeing him at that computer. He did reviews for Nivida, tested soft ware,and enjoyed on line gaming so much. I don't know if this pain is ever going to stop. I miss him so much! I still cry several times a week and he has been gone for over 8 months now. He always called me "little mama". I'll never forget one of the last thing he said to me,"Thank you little mama for always being here for me." When he said that I had no idea he was going to die, but I know how much he loved me from those words. My only advise to parents is love your children everyday for they are a gift from God and you never know when they will be gone.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
The words to that song have been going through my head a lot today. "We all need someone to lean on." We were never made to have to go through the "rough spots" alone. Often we have developed not so healthy coping mechanism to make it. As we begin to heal it is hard to let go of those coping skills. Yes they were coping skills, but they no longer work. Feeling the pain that is bottled up inside us can be so hard. During these times it can be hard to reach out to someone. Humans were never meant to be alone. We need each other. Sometimes I look at my life and wonder why there has been so much pain. Why do I exist? The one good thing I can see is that I genuinely care for others. Supporting and loving one another we can make it together.
Friday, October 15, 2010
I just don't understand what has happen to the "fighter" I used to be. Depression seems to be winning. Hopelessness is such a heavy burden to carry. I'm so sad and don't see it lifting. My daughter is hurting and I can't help her. That just make things ten times worst. I need to see some glimmer of hope soon. I just want to feel something besides this heavy weight.
Thursday, October 07, 2010
I had a very busy day today with my ex-husband sister. We went to see a friend of hers that lives about 2.5 hours away. We visited for awhile then drove back home. We then had dinner together. I had to come home and do some laundry for my trip tomorrow. The house isn't as clean as I wish it was, but I don't think I'll have time to finish it before my friend gets here tomorrow, because I have an early appointment. My best friend is concerned that I have been spending so much time with my ex-sister-in-law, because my ex-husband was such a "sick puppy". He is currently in prison serving a 50 year sentence for child molestation. My best friend is concern since I had very little contact with my sister-in-law and she is giving information to her brother. I hope I'm not being gullible but she has done nothing but help me the last few months. You see best friend has seen me make a lot of mistake with people, because I always want to find some good in them,then I get hurt. I don't know, but I'm not going to worry too much about it. I think my sister in law just feeels a little guilty because no one was with me when my son died. I most likely won't be on line for the next week since I'm spending it with my friend out of town. Take care everyone and I'll be thinking of you.
Wednesday, October 06, 2010
Although I have been crying a lot today I'm not sure where my head is at. I read so many positive uplifting post today that I feel I should be filled with hope. I don't like being the way I am. I want to help others and be a bright spot in their day. I'm trying so hard to get better. It's so hard feeling that maybe this is as good as it gets. I just can't except that. I'm going for a little trip this weekend with a friend. I sometimes think getting away from here is the best medicine for me.Speaking of medicine my primary care doctor put me on a blood pressure pill today. I hate it! Another new medicine. I feel like I takes so many pills right now I rattle. See there is a little humor left in me.
Did anyone watch Dr Phil and Opra shows today? When Dr Phil was talking about young people committing suicide my heart was broken. I can not image the pain those families feel. The Opra show talk about DID and how severe trauma and sexual abuse can affect a person for a life time. Then I saw on the news about the protest at a young military mans funeral and was shocked that it was a church group. I just have to ask is that something Jesus would do? People need to be careful what they do in God's name. I guess I believe in love. Love heals not hate. I think to hurt someone during the most difficult time in their life (funeral of a child) is the most ungodly thing I have ever heard of. I not sure I want to watch anymore TV right now.
On a lighter note I hope all is well with everyone. Talk at you later.
Tuesday, October 05, 2010
My state of mind is in a little better place today. I think sometimes the psychiatrist ask too many questions and that causes me to be more depressed. If I could get a primary care doctor to treat the bipolar I don't think I would even see a psychiatrist. That not going to happen because my mental health history hasn't been that stable. I do think spending time at the SPAC helps. The animals are one of the few things that can make me forget for awhile. My sister-in-law and I are learning how to do the cat adoptions. I'm looking forward to that. I got really sick today from binging on chocolate yesterday. My stomach has finally settled down. At least I didn't gain any weight from my binging yesterday.
Monday, October 04, 2010
My blog is the only place I can say what I am really feeling. I have been trying to put up "a front" that everything is OK and I am getting better. Right now death is the only thing that seems to offer a hope of peace. I'm totally hopeless right now. I just can't see things ever being better. I saw my psychiatrist today and he increased my antidepressant. He also wants me to go to IOP (Intensive Out Patient Treatment). They meet daily. He feels I need more support than I am getting. I just don't know if it would do any good. I told him I was "safe" until I got some legal issues taken care of, because I won't leave a mess for my family. I know there are people that live with bipolar, PTSD, eating disorders,self harm, and grief and seem to have normal lives. What is wrong with me?? Why do I continue to sink into this sense of pure hopelessness? No matter how hard I try I just can not pull myself out of this. I hate being like this. I am trying, but it feels like I am just spinning my wheels.
Saturday, October 02, 2010
I have been going 90 miles per hour. My mind is really racing and I'm not sure it's going in the right direction. I way over did it yesterday physically and am really paying for it today.When I get this way I either go into a super cleaning mode or a super spending mode. Since there was no money to spend I over worked yesterday.I am in so much pain today I don't know which end is up. I should have known better, because I know my lab levels are really screwed up. My daughter assured me everything is OK with her boyfriend. I am glad for that. She is still feeling physical ill however. I encouraged her to seek medical help. I know I have been over cautious since the death of my son. He started out with a simple cough and ended up dying from pneumonia. I know I worry far too much, but so many bad things have happen I'm just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am suppose to go with my ex- sister -in- law to a gospel musical and out to dinner tonight. I'm a little worried about going out to eat. I really hate eating in front of people and am concerned that I have gained 2 lbs.. I think the antidepressant they have me on is making me a little manic and has increased my appetite.I'll be sure to bring this up in our next session on Monday. Being a rapid cycling manic depressive makes it hard to control my medicine. I also think the medication I take for the auto immune disease interacts with my bipolar medications. I got a letter the other day form Blue Cross Blue Shield that they are dropping out of the Medicare Advantage Plan. I've talked with Medicare and they are not sure how many Advantage plans there are going to be. For the disabled this is really going to put a finical hardship on people. I was wondering if anyone else has hear anything about this. I just want to say how thankful I am for all the people in blog land that continue to give me support. You mean the world to me and I care for each and everyone of you.
Friday, October 01, 2010
Three blogs I have read today talked about death of a young person. It seems to me the enemy is working overtime to cause pain in people lives through the death of a love one. I don't understand why the young must die,before they even have a chance to experience life. I do know the pain in losing a child. I am trying so hard to make sense of these things. You see I have always believed God could and does heal. What I can not figure out is why sometimes He does not do this. The verse"All things work out for the good of them that love the Lord". I just don't see how there is any good in a premature death. I know God knows how I feel, but I have never come out and just asked Why? I don't think I will ever know. My heart breaks for the parents of these children. Maybe my faith should be stronger.I don't believe any "religion" has all the answer correct. I seen so much pain and abuse, suffered from mental illness, seen my children suffer from mental illness. Still I have to believe there is a God that loves us, because I believe He talks to me. I have been asked how I can even believe in God with all the bad things that have gone on in my life. It is a choice. I chose to believe there is more to life than just this world. I have been crying like a baby, because I know how hard it has been for me to hold on to this believe and know others that have been so badly hurt that they just can not believe. For those of you that have followed my blog for awhile know I struggle with suicide. self harm, eating disorder, and many other "mental health issues". I'm sure there are those that think I'm crazy as a loony,but I do know that what I have lived and felt gives me a deep feeling of love and concern for others.