Thursday, December 31, 2009

Out WithThe Old In With The New.

Last year was a rough year. My health was a major reason for many of the problems. Therapy was very intense last year and I feel progress was made on healing from the past. My loss of job impacted me greatly. I have always felt comfort in doing it well. It was more than a financial lost. It was a hit on my ability to take care of myself. My support system is not as strong as it was. My best friend moved.

Next year I want to continue my therapy and healing process. I want to do as much as possible to try and improve my health. I want to begin sharing more of myself with others. Start writing about the abuse. I want to be able to help others more. By the end of next year I want to be a more trusting person than I am right now. I want to build a stronger support system.

I want to wish everyone a Happy New Year and thank everyone for all the support you have been for me. I feel I have truly made some last friendship through my blog. I am not alone. Thank you.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Snowing Again

It' snowing again. We almost never have a second snow before the first one is melted. They are working on the highways. The hospital have been full of falls with broken bones. We have had one exposure death. This is just unbelievable! I thankful to be in a warm house.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Really Struggling

I made it to my therapy and doctors appointment. In town the roads are in good shape. I have really been struggling really want to self harm, but know it will only let me feel better for a few moments. Therapy digging into my past has been so hard. Knowing how bad it was has made me so angry! I just want to tear something up. In fact I think I will find something harmless to destroy.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Still Snowed In

Since I have a small car and live a little ways out for the city, we are still snowed in. I have two doctors appointments tomorrow and I'm not sure I am going to be able to get out and go. It has warmed up some, but still well below freezing. The snow is nice to look at, but sure makes it hard to get around.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Cold Weather Moving in Tomorrow

As I am setting here listening to the rain I am thankful that the cold front has not gotten here yet. Tomorrow the rain will be changing to snow, so it looks like we will most likely have a white Christmas. We only average a white Christmas once in every 10 years. I think everybody was at Walmart today. I had to pick up some last minute supplies for Christmas dinner and did not want to do it tomorrow. The turkey is not thawing as fast as I had hoped. It has been in the refrigerator since Monday. I hope it continues to thaw out! I got to keep my eye on the pies that are in the oven. I got my Christmas card from my daughter today and cried like a baby. She said in the card not being at home was " a lot harder than she thought it would be." Of course I called her immediately. I hope everyone last minute plans are going well. Christmas day will soon be here.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009


THANK YOU FOR THE AWARD! I know there is a better way to link but I don't know how to do it.
  1. Just Be Real
  2. Prayer Girl
  3. Mike
  4. 'Tart
  5. Gaia
Please pass this on to 5 other friends. Note all my friends are welcome to this award!

Tears Behind The Smile

This is the season where there are a lot of tears behind the smiles. It seems everybody is busy shopping and exchanging gifts. Many people are hurting and do not allow anyone to see their pain. Suicides are high at this time of year. Depression seems greater when "everybody else" is so happy. Some times Christmas day can be the longest day of the year. I know because I am fighting with all my might to stay above the depression. It hard for me to say that because I try to hide what is going on inside. This blog has been a live saver for me. I can express some of my deepest wounds. I feel love and excepted here with all my flaws. Thank you each of you for your support and kindness this Christmas season.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Many are Struggling

Many people struggle with the Holidays. Past histories, bad memories, absences of family members, lack of money, food, and a thousand other reasons. I wish for all, no matter what is going on, that you find peace in the Holiday season.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Surround Us With Your Love

Dear Father,
Surround us with your love. May we feel peace and joy this day. Fill our hearts with your love for others. For those that are hurting wrap your arms around them. For those that are struggling with food give them peace. Bring your healing as only you can do. Bring comfort to the broken heart. I thank you for being You.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Peace and Happiness

Christmas is around the corner. I wish all my blogging friends peace and happiness.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Does't Everyone Feel This Way?

I'm bipolar and have episodes of severe depression. I some times want to die. I can't cook. I can't clean my house and some times don't get dressed for days. Getting out of bed can be a major undertaking. Does 't every one that has depression feel this way? I have been unable to work for a while. When I'm not depressed people like me. I cycle rapidly ( more than 3 times a year.) My therapist see me as a "very sad child". My psychiatrist is frustrated on the number of medication combination I have been on. I am very interested in hearing if this is so abnormal with my history of bipolar and abusive past. I do find some peace in knowing God cares for me, but He does not seem to help when I am so low.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Wednesday, December 16, 2009


My doctor is wanting to refer me to check into see about ECT (electrical shock therapy). It scares the socks off me! My gut reaction is no way-not in this life time. Has anyone had any experience with this? My psychiatrist is worried about how rapid my bi-polar cycles and the severity of the cycles. Some side effect could be as follows."After receiving Electroshock Therapy, the patient may experience some confusion, nausea, short term memory loss, the inability to concentrate, back pain, muscle stiffness or headaches. There also may be a brief drop in blood pressure, an increase in heart rate or heart rhythm disturbances. Symptoms usually last for about 20-60 minutes following treatment and may be helped with aspirin. Some patients may experience longer-term memory problems." I am desperate for input!

A Bit Better

I woke up this morning feeling a bit better, so I'm going to run with the feeling and thank God! I see my psychiatrist today to discuss my medicine. Maybe my bipolar cycle is getting ready to switch. I'll have to be careful with my money. I've dropped 5 lbs which is great over the holidays. In case things swing back or stop improving I want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas now.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Intense Therapy

I just left an intense therapy session. I'm feeling drained and all cried out. My step dad was really twisted and sick. We talked how I am feeling abandonment issues right now that is making the depression worst. I am feeling raw right now. I am holding on to my friends, family, and faith.
You have all been super in supporting me. Thank you.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Unable to Blog

The depression has been so bad I have been unable to blog. I think I'm seeing a little relieve, but it is very slight. I'm not sure my psychiatrist and therapist are really working together right now. My therapist is having me do some intense work on my past. I'm not sure that is such a good idea with only two weeks left before she takes a break. I also think the holidays are playing a part of the depression. I just hanging in there with a hope this cycle will soon pass.

Monday, December 07, 2009

Thank You

Thank you Audrinna for the award. Thank everyone for you love and support through this difficult time. My doctor said the medication should be kicking in within the next couple of days. This award is available for everyone that has stood by my side.

Sunday, December 06, 2009


I'm so sad. Nothing seems to break it. I had the pastor pray with me today. I feel like I'm going to split into pieces. I hurt so bad. I feel I am dying. The sadness is so great. Something has got to give soon! So many tears.I'm broken.

Friday, December 04, 2009

Therapist Leaving

My therapist told me today that she will be leaving Jan 1 for at least a month or maybe permanently. I just broke down and cried. It's very hard for me to relate to someone and now is not a good time. She said she would be available by phone. I just can not think about it right now. I suppose to do a drawing of anger by my next appointment Monday. I just can't think of this right now. I'm too upset!

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

No 24 Hour Cure

I know better, but I was really hoping to see some change in how I feel by now. It is still really rough. Between the physical pain and the depression it is hard to do anything. I'm still hanging in there, but am really struggling. Thank everyone for dropping by, it really helps. Hugs to all my friends.

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

I'm Hanging in There

Saw my therapist today and she wanted to admit me to the hospital. Instead we agreed to see my psychiatrist and a no self harm contract. My psychiatrist adjusted some medication and I see my therapist again on Friday. I'm still very very depressed, but feel I can be safe at home. Thank all of you for your support,words of encouragement, and prayers.