Monday, September 20, 2010
What a Horrible Day!
Today has been horrible. I meet my new psychiatrist today and we had to go through all my history. He starting me on a new antidepressant, but said it could cause weight gain. I told him I would not take it if it does! He also started talking ECT. Again I said I will never do that again. The side effect were horrible. He kept asking me if I was "safe". I'm depressed. No I'm not going to be all cheerful in his office. Then he started talking about Chris' death. I lost it big time! Don't people get it? He was my son and I loved him with all my heart. Give me a break! He had read my chart before I saw him so he knew I was a basket case. He asked how my chronic pain played into my depression. When you hurt all the time you just aren't jumping with joy. "Do you have a gun in your house?" NO. Gee. Immediately after his appointment I saw my therapist. She told me to "watch it because I was getting too thin" Again since I was already crying she was "concerned" about my safety. Again we talked about Chris and how different my reaction was when I lost my mother. She reminded me that my mother was abusive and that I never really had a love bound with her. Talk about feeling like the scum of the earth. Everybody loves their mother. I guess I never got over some of the things she had done. She reminded me the only real love I have ever know in my life was my children. She also reminded me that the many times I had consider suicide the main reason I never killed myself was the love for my children. Yes I admit suicidal thoughts have been going through my mind the last few weeks, but I could NOT put Alice through losing her brother and mother all in the same year. Both my therapist and psychiatrist said they could understand why my faith in God was shaken, but admired me for still holding on. After crying for two hours in therapy, I had to go find out what time my surgery is tomorrow. I had to wait around that office for over an hour to get my eye marked and my surgery time. I guess I just tried to do too much in one day. My surgery time is 9:45 tomorrow please remember me and forgive me for all this ranting.