Thursday, August 26, 2010

Night Time Is Hard

Seems like night time is the hardest part of my day. I talked with my daughter and she is doing a little better. I hope this person is not just messing with her head. The offer about this truck sounds too good to be true and I have usually found when something sounds too good to be true it is. Of course I am not the most trusting person in the world, but also very protective of my kids. I decided to get up and blog instead of just soaking my pillow with tears. My mind keeps jumping from Alice to Chris. Not a very good place to be. I recently read some of my older blogs and I am slowly getting better. Grief is a very strange thing. You just never know what is going to trigger a break down. I went and saw Chris today and that always makes me sad. I talk to him about everything that is going on. Of course I cry and tell him how much I love him several times during our visits. I have both Chris' and Alice's cats and they don't get along and they fight. I don't know what I'm going to do about that. I have really got to pull myself together,because I have some important business matters to take care of in the next few weeks. Every time I start to work on them I find myself so distracted. It is so frustrating. I'm feeling a little better since I have been blogging. The house is so quiet it gives me the creeps. I really need to try to get some sleep. Well I'm not asleep yet so I'm adding more. I'm questioning if I let the doctors do the right things when Chris was in the hospital. You think they know best,but do they really? He was on a ventilator most of the time,so I don't think he was in pain. He was deeply sedated. I wonder if he heard my words when I spoke and sang to him. Could he feel my touch? This post is just coming from all the things going through my head as I try to go to sleep.


Just Be Real said...

Wanda I know night time, darkness can be hard to go through when we are emotionally hurting. Here with you understanding. Blessings.

Alice said...

i am sorry u not sleeping well. i just woke up. i have a hard time believing in god and heaven after all that has happened in my life. but if there is a god. i bet Chris is the computer tech angel making sure every thing works in heaven. if there is a heaven i believe that what Chris's heaven would be.

Denise said...

Yes, he heard your words, and precious singing. Most importantly, he felt your precious love. Never doubt that.

Doll Mistress said...

I find the night is always the worst for grief too. Don't worry about the cats--I have six of them and even though I have to holler at them sometimes, they work it out. I have one that is semi-feral who only comes in to eat and get a drink during the summer. She loves people but hates other cats. Fortunately we live on a quiet cul de sac. The other cats are indoors only and get along to varying degrees. Two are brothers so of course they're very close. They get along within reason with most of the other cats except the little feral one. The two young ones get along with each other but only the young female gets along with the big calico. The young male tries to play with the calico but he gets swatted!
I can always go on for hours about cats but most people find it pretty boring. I hope maybe it was a little entertaining for you.
My best wishes to you for comfort and peace today.

Wonderingsoul said...

Please accept a hug if you feel you can trust / face it.

I hear your agony about night time and te way that your mind finds its way to all those painful places of loss and wonderig. I know that for me, night time is and was always the worst time to experience the pain that daylight sometimes helps to decrease...
I know that grief feels a hundred times more deep and painful in the dark. I also knw that our minds are almost taken over by thoughts and memories of our loved ones as they were.
It is intrusive and so so so deeply painful.
i wish i could make it all go away.

I know that it must seem like a natural response for people to want to reassure you that Chris heard your singing and your words.
I want to say that too but in all honesty, I don't know.

What I DO know is that people who are in a state of coma, can hear their loved ones. More than tha, they could FEEL the presence of family and feel the sense of being lved and looked after.

I am thinking of you Wanda and hope that you are managing to get some sleep.


Anonymous said...

As wonderingsoul alraedy saied. people in a state of coma or heavily sedated can feel and sometimes hear. I had to visit someone in the Intense Care Unit - it was in the year 2000, for some weeks, and 2005 for not so long - and afterwrads I was told that my presence was felt, there were memories that fit together. We do not absolutely know what happens in this state of mind. Your son was fighting with a deadly desease, and he had strong medicaments in his system, so in the end there is nothing for sure, because the only one who knew it for sure, is sadly enough dead. But after all I saw and learned I KNOW that your presence and you being there was not in vain.
The cats will sort it out, as Doll Mistress already pointed out, trust in them, they know what is best for them and they will simply do it.

I think we humans are afraid of the dark, night, unknown, loneliness, the cold ... always, all humans. It describes the conditio humana. The monstrosity of the personal death can only made bearable with a promise. That it will be better, that the riddle will be solved, an explanantion will be given. Maybe that is what we all hope for.

I like the night, often worked at night. The city is different, people are different ... the night on the countryside is something else. I did work alone in the night, had to move, go to places, some of these were no good. One has to get it together to do this, in a simply practical way, and in a spiritual sense: You can not allow something to creep in - I would have been lost alone in the dark on a large construction site or in a bad karma research laboratory complex without the full "armour of god" - but I do not mean this in a christian sense: I simply had to be by myself all the time. In the end it is trust. And that is - in my humble opinion - what you need to find, the trust in yourself. You are alone. But you are in your house. nothing happens here without you or against you. You look at them things and so you define them and give them their place. There is the payne, it is in you, it is big and mean and sometimes it breaks out. But you set the rules, and bring it back and chain it. All this does not make it smaller - and beware! it is nothing that harms the memory of your beloved son. It is all about you living.

Anonymous said...

Night time is hard for me too. I'm glad your daughter is doing a little better-- I'm sure your caring and support has helped her. And I know that Chris was able to hear your words and feel your touch. I'm sure it meant the world to him that you were there. Please don't blame yourself for medical decisions that were made. It's not your fault.


Get some rest.

Wishing you well,

Sophia said...

Girl, I am so with you. I hate the night time. It has always been a struggle for me due to the association of the abuse that happened in my life when I was a young girl. I just try to think of positive things to focus my mind on before closing my eyes to sleep. Hang in there. Hugs!!