Thursday, June 28, 2007

Tagged With A Story To Tell

This post might be triggering to some, but it is important to tell the story before we respond to the "tag".
We grew up in two separate households. Part of the time we lived with my very abusive Mom and Step dad, part of the time we were with my very religious Grandmother. The different in the houses were night and day, but both were very frighten for us. My oldest brother and younger sister always lived with my Grandmother,where as the youngest brothers always live with the parents.I was pasted back and forth. We feared hell and damnation for the smallest offense. My childhood with my parents was a nightmare of hell on earth. There was sexual,physical, mental,and spiritual abuse. At a very early age I became what was expected of me. Parts of me would rebel only to find totally painful abuse. The abuse was tolerated by separating myself from the pain. Parts of me could not believe that there was a god, however remembering the black figures and the pain made me know there was a devil. The abuse last from the age of 4-16 when thankfully my step dad died. Cold, wounded, and fragmented I could not wait to get out of the house. My ideas of God and Jesus were distorted to say the least. I wanted nothing to do with a "god" that could not protect children. Jesus did not give up on me. He was always there, but we could not see or believe in Him. I now have a Christian doctor and a Christian therapist. My former pastor showed love to a very cold and bitter person. We are healing now. It slow and sometimes painful, but it is happening.

Five things we dig about Jesus.
  1. Jesus accepts you just the way you are.
  2. You can tell Him your mad at Him, but He still loves you.
  3. He understands all your moods and personalities and still loves every part of you.
  4. When you are alone you can call His name and feel His presents and comfort.
  5. He makes life worth living.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Must not be manic today!

Your Brain is Blue
Of all the brain types, yours is the most mellow.
You tend to be in a meditative state most of the time. You don't try to think away your troubles.
Your thoughts are realistic, fresh, and honest. You truly see things as how they are.

You tend to spend a lot of time thinking about your friends, your surroundings, and your life.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Broken No More

I was just a little girl of four,
When my daddy started coming to my door
He said his touch was a special treat,
For his girl innocent and sweet.

I learned to cry myself to sleep.
The pain I felt was far to deep.
The room felt oh so dark and cold.
Oh the damage to my soul.

I learned the rules and played the game.
My life would never be the same.
The hate I felt, I turned within.
This was all because of sin.

The walls I built turned my heart to stone.
No one could see I was all alone.
I never learned to laugh and play.
I only learned to run away.

Jesus looked down and saw my pain.
He wants to rid me of my shame.
He saw the beauty hidden within.
Jesus is putting me back together again.

Wanda Arthington

I wrote this poem about one year ago and it seems like I'm healing more as time passes. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be a whole and happy person, but I believe it is becoming more of a reality each day. I watched my friends grow and heal and realize it takes time. It is great to know that I'm not a victim anymore and maybe I'm helping someone else too. Together we can make a difference.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007


Well today I exercised a hour. That is the longest amount of time I've done at one time. (at least recently).I am going to try to do that at least 3 times per week. I know why the first 3 letters in diet are DIE. Fifteen pounds down and way too many more to go. Well at least it's going down for a change! I hoping this will help me feel better, but it is so slow and painful. (lol) My question is how come it take no time to put on 10 lbs, but it takes forever to lose 10 lbs? That just doesn't seem right to me. I want to thank everyone for their input and comments on my blog. I'm feeling a bit better. At least I am a bit more hopeful. May always is a tough month for me. I only need to make it through Father's Day and I will have time for some good days. I see my "T" the day after Father's Day so that gives me a safety net. You can do anything for one day! That's the only way for me some times. One day at a time. Again thanks everyone for being so supportive the last few weeks! Hugs to you all!