Sunday, July 31, 2011

Sunday Sketches

Lady In A Hat\

I really need to pick up some more art supplies this month. I am doing all my drawings with crayons and color pencils. 

Thursday, July 28, 2011


Dr M explained to me today that what I was feeling was largely do to coming down from an extreme mania. My body and my mind need time to "recover". Extra sleep was not a bad thing,  He said that my bipolar disorder was on the more extreme end and would require medication for the rest of my life. That it doesn't improve with age and that left untreated would become worst. I had the idea that it would improve by it self with age. He ask me where I got that idea from.  He wanted to make sure I keep on the higher dose of Abilify  He said lowering the dose could cause me to rebound into mania or depression. So I guess I will try to chill out and keep working the program.  He continued the same dosage of mood stabilizers and antidepressant today and want to see me in two weeks.  I see my therapist tomorrow. I guess I share my "dark" feelings for her.  I guess this is my "normal".  I was hoping for better. Will see you all later and will try to make Lemon-aid out of my life. 

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Depression Is Crushing Me

I'm doing everything I'm suppose to do to lift this depression. 
  1. Following my meal plan
  2. Getting sunshine
  3. Taking my medication
  4. Exercising
  5. Self talk
I can't seem to get a hold on this. My mind is filled with thoughts of how to kill myself. So many people seem to be able to beat this. Why can't I? I am so tired of this illness. I see my psychiatric tomorrow. I can't tell him how dark my thoughts are. He would admit me again. I just so tired of how draining this illness is. I believe I am treatment resistant bipolar.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Eighteen Months Ago

Eighteen months ago tomorrow at 5 AM I lost my beloved son Chris. The pain is still so deep and I miss him!
This is a tribute to a wonderful gift from God that I only had 27 short years to spend with him. Here is some of what I miss the most about him.

  1. I miss his beautiful smile
  2. His laugh
  3. Him saying I love you little Mama
  4. Him watching for the UPS truck to bring his latest soft wear to test for Nivida
  5. Him working on the computer and showing me things that I had now idea what he was talking about
  6. His love for his cat and how they where always together.
  7. Him thanking me for be his mother
  8. His pride in all he did
  9. His love for computer gaming and the excitement he showed for making the next level.
  10. His kind and tender heart for those that hurt.

These are just a few things I miss. Call me crazy, but I bet he is helping God with the computer system in heaven. I love you baby and will join you someday. Love you always. Little Mama

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Saw it Loved It

I saw this picture and had to see if I could draw it. 

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Mood Is Bottoming Out

I'm really having a rough time. I cried for several hours today. Mostly missing Chris, but over all my mood has been bottoming out. I was hoping the exercise program would keep the brain chemical high enough that I would not crash after my last mania. I will be glad to see both my therapist and psychiatrist soon. I hate this roller coaster ride. I  am hot and tired so I'm going to try to get some sleep. I not giving up on my resolutions to be thankful  and take care of myself, it just so much harder when you are fighting depression.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

It's Just Too Hot

I believe this is the 12th day in a row of over 100 degrees and it's supposed to be even hotter tomorrow! Food actually make you sick to eat because it is so hot. The air conditioner never shuts off and I have it set at 82 degrees to save on electricity. I had to cut my work out short today because the water cooler at the gym was broken. It's just to dog gone hot!

Friday, July 15, 2011

Not In A Good Place

I'm not in a very good space right now. I am still not sleeping enough, however I am becoming very cranky.I not sure if the heat of over 100 degrees for several weeks is part of the problem or not, I am also obsessing with exercise right now. I'm going to the gym 2-3 times per day. Grant it my endurance only allows me to work out 45 minutes to 1 hour at a time.

I hate when I'm this grumpy. I want to see some progress for all the work I'm doing. I don't understand why I can not do stuff in moderation. Everything I do, I do it to the excess. Maybe I will try listening to some music or something to cool my jets.  I know my train of thought is all over the place.

Again I am so thankful that I am not in the hospital, but my psychiatrist is not please with my mood and behavior. I am beginning to think I am in a mixed episode right now, because I do feel some depression again

On another note is anyone else concerned about what the government is doing? If SS checks are delayed or cut by a large amount my family will be hit hard, as will many other elderly and disabled persons. The government needs  to stop playing games and work on an agreement.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Guess Who

I found this old picture and thought I would share.
I was so happy before the abuse started.

Sleep What Is That?

Well I slept a little last night, but I'm beginning to wonder what sleep is. I am drying my work out clothes to go to the gym. It least I'm not spending money. I got a niffy award yesterday. Thanks Jesse! Love you all.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Hospital or Not?

My therapist is talking with my doctor to see if they think I need to be admitted. I am doing my best to cool my jets, but I have been manic for awhile right now. I told then I was safe and because my daughter is living with me they cut me a little slack. I know I need to sleep and not spend any money but it is so hard! I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL!!!!. I also got into trouble about my eating patterns. I am really trying. I work out to burn off the energy form the mania. I guess I'm not even doing THAT right. Gee wheeze what am suppose to do? Frustrated but not giving up.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

It's 4 Am And I'm Wide Awake

Well it 4 Am and I am not sleeping, I am wide  wake and have been since about 2 Am. I have just finished 36 minutes of chair aerobic exercise. I see my orthopedic doctor Wednesday and maybe he will release me to do more on my foot. I want to do this work out at least two more times today.

I see my therapist today and think Ill go over my meal plans for the last week. I think the scale should be dropping but it's not. This is very frustrating to me. I also need to talk to her about my lack of sleep. With my allergies acting up and being a little manic I look terrible. I have big dark circles and bags under my eyes.

Had a girls day out with my daughter yesterday and we where like a couple of kids. I had my hair done and she had her eyebrows waxed. We had lunch but I was so worried about what I eating that I couldn't really enjoy that part. She had chocolate cake for desert and I munched on some fresh fruit. My heart wasn't into it but I followed my meal plan. We then went shopping and picked up a few things. It was a long day and I think I wore my daughter out!

Showed the house today and the lady was taking pictures. That made me a little nervous, but she seemed really interested. I really not sure what we will do right now if she would make an acceptable bid  on the house.  I am even thinking about taking it off the market until I know what is going to happen with Alice

My thankful list for the day:

  1. Jesus loves me
  2. Alice
  3. My therapist
  4. My friends
  5. Blogging friends

Sunday, July 10, 2011

How Many Days?

How many days doing  something does it take to make it a habit? I was thinking I heard only 14 days. Or was it 31 days? Anyway I have started my fitness journal. I have started exercising and a  food journal. I am hoping this will give me an honest look at where I am and improve my health. I am already seeing a mood improvement,  I fear it might become an obsession, but at least it is a healthy one.

I am also going to repeat everyday my affirmation that my therapist gave me to say. "I am competent, capable and lovable."  I know I am fighting a battle with myself, but I must improve myself talk to improve my health. Right now I need extra support of my friends and family and therapist to do this, but I am worth the effort, I have hit a place in my life where I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I  believe with  God's help and the help of my friends, family and therapist I can become less depressed.

I realize I have an illness, but I can not let it control my entire life. I think I may have hit my rock  bottom and the only way is up. I am not saying that this will be easy, but I chose to take  an active part on my healing. Does this mean I will never slip? I don't think so!  My abuse and illness can not control my life.

From today on I will

  1. Take my medicine as prescribed
  2.  I will exercise 5 days a week
  3. I will record and follow my meal plan
  4. I will say my affirmation daily
  5. I will keep my therapy appointments
  6. I will say something I am thankful for daily
Today I am thankful for my daughter, my friends, my family,blogging, and that Jesus loves me. 

Saturday, July 09, 2011

Sunday Sketches

Just want to tell everyone to love one another!

Friday, July 08, 2011

Young New Gospel Group

Red Roots

 We went and saw this group in concert and they were awesome. They have an upbeat sound. The are triplets and are only twenty years old, They did several beautiful songs. I really like a song called "When God Says No'' I wish I had a video clip of this song. We did buy the CD with the song on it.  This song  helped me answer the question " Why didn't God answer my prayer when I was holding Chris' hand as he was dying." As a mother I may never fully understand why God needed him more than I did. God's love is sometimes beyond human understanding. A dear friend , pastor R, once told me God answers all prayer either yes, no, or later. I believe I will someday see Chris in heaven. Maybe he is helping God with his computer system. 
This is a sample of one of the other songs they sang.


They took a picture with Alice that she is posting on her blog. I highly recommend this group. Great girls

Thursday, July 07, 2011

Haven't Been Able To Workout

Since I broke my foot I haven't been able to work out. I found some cool chair aerobic on you tube. I started these last night to help my mood. I also saw the doctor today and he up my mood stabilizer. I see my therapist tomorrow and I have been thinking about the "good" things in my life. I am not going to fall to this disease!

Wednesday, July 06, 2011

I Think It's Time To Call The Doctor

I have really been fighting my mood swings. I was hoping things would settle down. It has just gone on too long. There have been days I could not even get out of bed follow by the uncontrollable urge to spend money and binge eat. It has been going on about two weeks now and I haven't been able to afford seeing my therapist or psychiatric. As soon as the office opens I am going to make the call. I think my medicine may need to be tweaked just a little bit. Just holding on doesn't seem to be working!

 Well the doctor returned my call and wants to see me tomorrow.

 Some times I wonder if I would had been "normal" if I had not been sexually abused. Would I still have the wide mood swings? Have I been misdiagnosis?  I wonder what would be different today. I will be forever grateful that I found a wonder friend and pastor that still cares about me today. I not sure I would have been as tolerate of others if I had not suffered so. I guess good can from bad if we let it.

Since Chris' death I have really struggled with why God did NOT answer my prayers to heal him. Do I still believe in God? Yes. I just have a very hard time asking God for anything. I know this is wrong, but I figure I can't be disappointed if I just don't ask. I have found that I am very much like that in so many ways. I believe I have lost hope for a better tomorrow.

I keep working on bettering myself and helping others. That is one thing I can do. I can love others and help the misunderstood. That I can do and will continue to do,


Saturday, July 02, 2011

Happy 4th Of July

Have a safe and happy 4th of July Weekend.

To all my friends in cyber land. Thank you for your support and kindness! Much love!