Thursday, April 28, 2011

No More Than You Can Bear.

The Bible say God won't give you more than you can bear. I am not sure how much more I can take. Alice really needs my help right now and I feel so helpless in what I can do. Money is so tight. I'm begging God to show me what to do. We are on such a short dead line is the major problem.

On top of everything else I got some very concerning health new for myself. I'm trying not to worry or bury my head in the sand, but I am literally stressed out of my mind. I keep trying, but the harder I try the worst things get. Oh God I really need some help from You now. Please please help me.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Long Term Effects Of Childhood Sexual Abuse

May be triggering!
"The effects of child sexual abuse include depression,[5] post-traumatic stress disorder,[6] anxiety,[7] propensity to further victimization in adulthood,[8] and physical injury to the child, among other problems.[9] Sexual abuse by a family member is a form of incest, and can result in more serious and long-term psychological trauma, especially in the case of parental incest.[1"

Sometimes I wonder why I can not get over the sexual abuse I experienced as a child. I was molested at home from the ages of 4-16. It still seem to effect my thinking on a daily bases. I was also re-victimized several times  as an adult. I sometimes wonder why I am on this earth. I read blogs of healing but I still seem stuck in the healing process. I still blame myself for what happened.  I constantly think of self harm. Without really trying to change how I think my mind immediately goes to the negative thinking. Above are some links that are helpful understanding myself. Deep down I know I am a good person, but the negative loop in my brain makes me feel useless.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Storm Damage

We have been having a lot of storms with rain, wind, and hail. Unfortunately it has caused some damage to my roof. I had someone out to look at it today and give me a price quote. He says he can fix it tomorrow if it is not raining again. Lucky where the damage is it should not leak per the repair man.I think they are forecasting rain again for tonight and tomorrow. UGH! This is all I needed at this time since I just fixed the brakes on my car.

I can not seem to catch up. Every time I think I'm going to get a chance to catch up there is something else goes wrong. I guess if it weren't for bad luck I have no luck at all. I just want to have a little fun every once and  awhile!

Monday, April 25, 2011

Do We Need An Ark?

It has been raining for days now. I'm beginning to wonder if we need an ark. We are under a flood warning and the streets are covered in standing water. I guess this is a good time to be sick, because there is not much point in trying to get out. I am finally starting to feel a little better. I've been on antibiotics since Friday. I'm still coughing , but no fever. I'm not wheezing as much either. I find that the slightest thing exhausts me, so I'm trying to take it easy. Hopefully this to shall pass.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Sunday Sketches

Thinking Angle Oil

I hope everyone is having a happy Easter. I'm still sick so I'm in for the day. Hopefully this congestion and cough will get better with the antibiotics and steroids. My asthma is also kicking up so I am having to do breathing treatments. I going to have a good day in spite of being sick!

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Happy Easter

For me this song bring hope. Happy Easter!

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Sick All Week

I can't believe it's Thursday. I have been sick all week and just not getting any better. I finally broke down and made an appointment to see my PCP tomorrow. I know I'll have to fight the insurance company again and I just don't have it in me. All I feel like doing is sleeping and that hard to do because I am so congested. Just letting everyone know I'm still alive. A short a sweet post. I have got to be better by next week. My sister-in-law is having surgery and I need to take her. I exhausted now.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

A Friend in Need

One of my friends just found out today her husband has cancer. They know it is on the liver, abdominal wall, and intestines.  They were doing gall bladder surgery when they found it. They believe it started from the pancreas, but will have to do a CAT scan to see what all is involved. The prognosis is poor. My heart is breaking for her.

Another friend just lost her husband to cancer a few months ago.I don't know what to say to my friend. We haven't know each other long, but she is a very kind person.

Every time I hear some bad news like this it takes me back to the night I lost Chris. I don't think anything can prepare you for this. Maybe he will respond to the treatment. I know how much I needed others, but I am still so raw, I'm not sure I could I would be much help. I have lost so much faith in the medical system.  

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Sunday Sketches

I have been working on faces recently. I just can't decide what I like to draw most. Anyway it fun to draw and helps me forget my worries for awhile. Hope everyone is having a great weekend.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Sweet Saturday

Sweet Easter Bunny With Chocolate For All The Good Girls And Boys!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Rain, Hail, And Winds, Oh My!

We just got out of a tornado warning. I believe Oklahoma had 6 reported tornadoes. One flew by closer than I like to think of. We were very lucky. I don't believe they touched down. I just spent an hour in the community center  tornado shelter. It was packed with people from our mobile home park. Places had golf ball sized hail and wind gust up to 60 miles per hour. There is now thunder storms with lightening. The hail would be enough to knock you out. I assume since we were under a tornado warning my grief class was canceled. I miss that class since it only meets once a month. Since things have calmed down I going to try to relax a little before bed time.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Can't Do What I Used To Do

 I was trying to move a small pile of rotting lumber yesterday and I fell. The bad part was I couldn't get up until I crawled to something to grab a hold of to pull myself up. Since I had my knee surgery I have trouble getting off the floor or the ground. I was so embarrassed, but nobody saw me.I keep thinking I can do everything I used to do, but the simple fact is I can not!

I am sore today and really can tell I over did it yesterday. Today I had to pay bills and grocery shop. I really proud of myself because I fixed the broken flapper on the toilet. Yes I am not totally helpless. It was really easy and cheap to fix. Yeah! I need to paint the back porch, but that another day. Not today anyway. :)

I about fell over with shock when I filled my gas tank. Wow the price just keeps going up. My grocery bill was also higher today. Seems the only break I got was the gas bill went down. I know next month the electric will go up because it is getting hot enough to use the air conditioner. I guess I have vented enough. so I close with saying things could always be worst and I am thankful for all the things that I have.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

My Nerves Are Shot!

My nerves are totally shot. I am trying to deal with my insurance company about my hospitalization from February and I'm going crazy.  They haven't paid yet and the time for "timely filling" is about up.  They have denied part of the claim for lack of medical records. I called the provider and they needed written proof from the insurance company. I called the insurance company and they said that they will send that information to the provider. I guess I know to much about claims since it was part of my old job. I just feel I'm getting the run around and as much as I'm paying for insurance I shouldn't have to do all of this!

I am really struggling with depression right now. Part of the reason again is the lack of money. I'm having to half my antidepressant until I get paid tomorrow. This was a long month and I ran out of money before the end of the month. Last month I was paid on the 8th and this month the 13th. On top of that I had an unexpected car repair ( Are there any other kind of repairs? lol).

I'm also worried about my friend Y and my daughter Alice. Both have some fairly serious health issue and my daughter is worried about if she is going to have a roof over her head. Of course she is always welcome to come back home, but again the cost is a serious issue. Things have got to get better soon.

Monday, April 11, 2011


I've been eating all the wrong food this week, because I am so broke. I have not been able to go to the store to get the fresh vegetables and fruits. I have eaten way too many carbohydrates and the scale is showing it. It's so depressing to be on such a tight income. This makes me so depressed I can not stand it. I still have 3 more days until I get paid.  I hoping I have enough gas to get to my therapist tomorrow and back home. Being on a fixed income sucks big time.  Next week I'll have to hit the veggies hard. Why is healthy food so much more expensive.?  No wonder there is so much obesity among the poor.

My friend Y had to have an echo cardiogram of her heart and it shows regurgitation. She's seeing a cardiologist tomorrow. I hope this can be treated with medicine. I'm worried about her. She's not having any symptoms except she gets tired quickly. I think I'm more anxious than she is.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Sunday Sketches

Colored Pencils
The Light House In The Storm

Saturday, April 09, 2011

Sweet Saturday

Looks Yummy To Me!
Wish it was calorie free. lol

Friday, April 08, 2011

Government Shut Down

I'm really concerned about the government shut down. I do not believe the ones responsible will be losing any pay. Maybe if it could effect their pocket books they would be a little more ready to make some compromises.This is the last thing our economy  needs right now. We are at a point of recession and this is only going to make things worst. Can we forget party lines and make this work? Come on now. I guess this is the only political post I have ever made, but I am really concerned on what this is going to do to our country.

Thursday, April 07, 2011

Feeling Stronger Today

I haven't been feeling well recently, but today I'm feeling a bit better. I have already dusted and  prepared a casserole for dinner . I'm going to run the  vacuum cleaner when I'm finished here and mop the kitchen. I have to be careful that I don't over do it because with the autoimmune disease it can jump up and get you down for days. House work is not my favorite thing to do but is a necessary evil. lol.

Well I finished that and was find until I went into Chris' room. I lost it big time. I miss him so much. I miss his laugh, his beautiful smile, him calling me "Little Mama".I miss it all. I had to fill out some legal papers the other day and the lady behind the desk said "He in a better place now."  I wanted to reach over the desk and chock her!  I believe my baby is in heaven, but I still want him here with me. I know it has been over a year, but the pain is still very intense. I'm not sure time heals all wounds. I love you Chris!

Tuesday, April 05, 2011


I hate being so vulnerable. I used to be fairly strong for a women and could handle most things by myself. I was trying to start the lawnmower today and just could not do it. I then hurt myself getting it in and out of the shed that has three steps. I was so frustrated and I just started crying. I called my church to see if she knew of any teenage boys that would mow my lawn at a reasonable rate. It's not very big it would only take about 30 minutes. It gets so expensive when you have to hire everything done and I'm so depressed that I felt so helpless.

I'm really having to fight depression right now. I feel so alone in this world. It's so tempting to just give up, but I have always been such a fighter. I can not give into these feeling of hopelessness. What is wrong with me? Physically I know I'm not healthy, but I really hate this. I really hate this!

Monday, April 04, 2011

The Lost Child

The Lost Child

Cold chills run down my spine
The sensation is hiding the pain
The child wants to play
Time is long since past that day
Tears roll down the frozen face
Wanting warmth, hope,and faith
Longing  for something to hold on to
Yet only emptiness awaits

Hope is just a word
No depth, no meaning, no soul
Grasping for a single tread
Something to fill the void

I want the child to live again
To feel,to laugh,to smile,to love
I try to reach deep inside
Once again to hope for a better tomorrow

Wanda Arthington

Sunday, April 03, 2011

Great Trip

I had a great trip. It was only a 2.5 hour trip, but the above sign was sometimes how I felt. lol Over all it was very relaxing. Only regret is cost too much money. Gas is so expensive. The wedding was beautiful. It is so much fun to see the look of the bride and groom and the love they are feeling for each other. Ah Young love!

Eat too much, but I guess that can be expected. At least I didn't gain any weight. I will try to catch up on my blog  reading soon, but now I'm exhausted from the drive.