Monday, June 14, 2010

Peace In Dnying?

God if it is peace you find in dying please let the time be near. This been going through my head all day. I'm so tired and sad. I long for peace. My life has been filled with one bad thing after another. If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger I should be super women. I love so deeply. I know I am chemically unbalanced, I just can't think right now. I have to hang on for my daughter. It's so hard. I know I'm not the only person molested as a child. I know I'm not the only person that married a pedophile. I know I'm not the only one that is bipolar. I know I'm not the only one with chronic pain. I know I'm not the only one to have lost a child. It doesn't take away the severe emotional pain I'm going through. I pray but don't seem to get the results others do when they pray. Would it be wrong to take my own life? Would that damn me to hell? Would I never be able to see my beloved son if I did this? I love God and people. What is wrong with me? Maybe calling someone would help. I'm sorry I have been so weak and needy. Please help hold me up. There has got to be an answer out there somewhere. I'm calling someone to help me make it through the night until I talk to my therapist tomorrow.


Anonymous said...

Hello Wanda. Grab that phone and call the number, please be so kind. Its natural to think about ending it, to phantasize about the promised peace. But nobody knows what happens. Death is a natural part of our lives, so nature should deceide. Not we.

Wanda's Wings said...

Mago, I called and talked to someone. I am just going to try and get some rest. Thank you

Just Be Real said...

Here listening dear. Your pain is felt and many have experienced similar. Get that rest dear one. Get refreshed. Take one day at a time. God will see you through as you continue to call upon Him. Only He can truly heal you dear one.

sarah said...

Hey Wanda...praying....and knowing He won't let go of you

Blooming Psycho said...

Wanda, I don't believe in hell, and certainly not for someone like you. I'm glad you called someone though. Peace be with you.

Anonymous said...

Hello, just dropping by. I hope you feel a bit better today.

Prayer Girl said...

Thank God you made a call to someone. If the feelings and thoughts of death return, call someone again.


Anonymous said...

Hello Wanda. Could you see your therapist today? I hope so, and I really wish you have some company.

Anonymous said...

Wanda, I'm so sorry I didn't see your post until now. I am so sorry for all the things you have gone through in your life-- you have certainly gone through a lot. And yes, you are not alone in your pain. It sounds like you are really hurting right now; please call someone instead of hurting yourself. You are too lovely to leave this Earth right now. I believe that your pain will end soon, while you are alive.

Wanda, I really care about you. All I want is to see you well.


Wonderingsoul said...

Dear Wanda,
It feels like it is absolutely unbearable...
I havevery few words except that you are really in my heart right now.
I wanted to tell you that I too resorted to leeping tablets to try to take the pain away for a bit. I took them all Saturday in an attempt to just not be conscious... so I really can understand the need for peace Wanda... and I haven't even suffered the horrendous losses and abuses that you have... so I can only begin to imagine the agony you must be in.

I think it's a good idea to try to get some sleep. Sometimes it's the best thing that we can do... Just to be able to find some rest and some peace in not being awake all the time... and that's ok.. Sleep can help us heal physically and so I see no reason why it oudnt also help to heal us emotionally too.

Please try to rest for now.
It may be very hard now, and at other times, but it isn't going to be this terrible permenantly... and taking your life will rob you of the joy that lies in store, as well as the sadness.
I feel ke a hypocrite as I type because I know how often I feel so desperate and long for death... but at the same time, I know that when I am not in that distressed state, that even if I'm not overly happy, I don't quite want death.
I think you might fnd the same.

I'm thinking of you and knowing a little bit of the agony.

I hope your session with your T will help you.
Please know how much you are loved and valued in this place.
Although yo might not be able to feel it, you have a lot of people holding you up right now, here...

Much love and strength to you Wanda.


steveroni said...

Death is not a solution to is the end of it.

I used to pray all the "printed stuff" until someone told me, "Prayer is simply "talking" to God."

Meditation is "Listening" to God, Who talks to me often through other Peeps.

How simple that made it!

And so right now (a week after your post!) I am "talking" to God to please, if it is His will, to lighten your load of sorrow.