Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Therarpist & Eating Disorder

Bulimia Nervosa


"Bulimia nervosa is characterized by recurrent and frequent episodes of eating unusually large amounts of food (e.g., binge-eating), and feeling a lack of control over the eating. This binge-eating is followed by a type of behavior that compensates for the binge, such as purging (e.g., vomiting, excessive use of laxatives or diuretics), fasting and/or excessive exercise.

Unlike anorexia, people with bulimia can fall within the normal range for their age and weight. But like people with anorexia, they often fear gaining weight, want desperately to lose weight, and are intensely unhappy with their body size and shape. Usually, bulimic behavior is done secretly, because it is often accompanied by feelings of disgust or shame. The binging and purging cycle usually repeats several times a week. Similar to anorexia, people with bulimia often have coexisting psychological illnesses, such as depression, anxiety and/or substance abuse problems. Many physical conditions result from the purging aspect of the illness, including electrolyte imbalances, gastrointestinal problems, and oral and tooth-related problems.

Other symptoms include:

  • chronically inflamed and sore throat
  • swollen glands in the neck and below the jaw
  • worn tooth enamel and increasingly sensitive and decaying teeth as a result of exposure to stomach acids
  • gastroesophageal reflux disorder
  • intestinal distress and irritation from laxative abuse
  • kidney problems from diuretic abuse
  • severe dehydration from purging of fluids

As with anorexia, TREATMENT FOR BULIMIA often involves a combination of options and depends on the needs of the individual.

To reduce or eliminate binge and purge behavior, a patient may undergo nutritional counseling and psychotherapy, especially cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), or be prescribed medication. Some antidepressants, such as fluoxetine (Prozac), which is the only medication approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration for treating bulimia, may help patients who also have depression and/or anxiety. It also appears to help reduce binge-eating and purging behavior, reduces the chance of relapse, and improves eating attitude."

I saw my therapist today and she was concerned about my SI and purging. She wants me to call her before I SI. She me if I can control the urge for 20 min it would pass. I think about it all the time. She is also concerned about my recent increase of laxatives and vomiting. I feel my weight is out of control, but this doesn't seem to be helping much. I just feel my whole life is out of control right now. I have to gain some control. She say I have control of my time and I need to be attending some group meeting. We talked a lot about weight issues today and my eating disorder. I still very depressed.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Will I Ever Get Better?

My journey has been a long one. The night mares and flashbacks. What I do to myself. The cutting, the vomiting, laxatives, and self loathing. I never can measure up. I'm always flawed. My therapist says she wish I could see what she sees in me. I hurt so bad I feel my chest is going to burst. I feel my life is spiralling out of control. I try to do things that are helpful to other people. I try to hold on to my faith. HOW DO YOU HANG ON WHEN EVERYTHING IS BROKEN? I am really struggling.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Rapid- Cycling Bipolar Disorder

"Some people may be diagnosed with rapid-cycling bipolar disorder. This is when a person has four or more episodes of major depression, mania, hypomania, or mixed symptoms within a year. Some people experience more than one episode in a week, or even within one day. Rapid cycling seems to be more common in people who have severe bipolar disorder and may be more common in people who have their first episode at a younger age. One study found that people with rapid cycling had their first episode about four years earlier, during mid to late teen years, than people without rapid cycling bipolar disorder. Rapid cycling affects more women than men.

Bipolar disorder tends to worsen if it is not treated. Over time, a person may suffer more frequent and more severe episodes than when the illness first appeared. Also, delays in getting the correct diagnosis and treatment make a person more likely to experience personal, social, and work-related problems.

Proper diagnosis and treatment helps people with bipolar disorder lead healthy and productive lives. In most cases, treatment can help reduce the frequency and severity of episodes."

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Friend Moving

One of my best friends is moving. She sold her house and will be moving to a different town. Right now she will be moving in with her daughter. We do things together on the weekends, so I am really going to miss her. We will still talk on the phone, but it won't be the same as going out to lunch. This is really going to be hard on me. I'm crying right now just thinking about it. I hate emotions!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Couting Sheep, Chicks or What Ever

Well counting sheep,chicks or what ever isn't working. So what's new? Another night reading blogs and flipping through the stations on the TV. Bad thing is I got a early morning meeting with my therapist. Maybe that's the problem. I think too much. Therapy has been rough recently. May be it is scaring me off. If things get too overwhelming I freak out and shut down when things get too intense. I didn't sleep last night either. Nightmares. I hate PTSD. I least I know I am not alone. I have meet so many kind blogger that have really help me. For this I am thankful. It is great to me able to express yourself and feel the love and support of other. It is nice to know you are not alone.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Friends ,Faith , & Family

Today is a good day to remember the three most important"F's" in our lives.
  1. Friends. They know when to say the right words to encourage us, or push us pass a point we can't get over by ourselves. They laugh with us, cry with us and are always there for us.
  2. Faith. Something to believe in when nothing looks bright. A hope and joy in times of sadness. Words of wisdom to live by.
  3. Family. My son is always there to remind me that no matter what happen in the past good can come from life.

Friday, September 18, 2009

A Break

My emotions are all over the place. From giddy to crying my eyes out. I am spending the evening with a friend, so maybe that will help. I am really tired of the crying. Just dinner and a movie, but at least I'll be out of the house.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Medication Adjustment

Due to some side effects my psychiatrist is making medication adjustments again. I'm nervous and anxious today. She is decreasing my Depakote and increasing my Abilify. I heard some bad things about Abilify, so I am a little concerned. I am suppose to check in with her after the weekend. She is very good about getting back with me. I think she is a concerned doctor that really cares about her patients. I feel lucky that she has been so good to me. These emotions are like being on a roller coaster . You would think I would be used to it by now!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

How I Contribute to My Own Rejection

This is what my therapist want me to write about. How I contribute to my own rejection. I believe I expect that things are always going to go wrong, so I guess that can be seen as a negative person. I know I am very compassionate, so that not a problem. I really don't like myself, so maybe that comes across. To me is seems most people like me, but I just can not let anyone close. I tend to push people away I think. I fear rejection more than I need to. I don't know. I going to have to think about this one.

Monday, September 14, 2009


Well I just finished seeing my psychiatrist and she is making some med changes. I am hoping this will help the tremors and decrease my appetite. She is now having me weigh in and keep a nutritional log. She doe not want my calorie intake to drop below 1500 calories, which seems like a lot to me. She doesn't trust that I won't just drop the calories to almost nothing myself.Tomorrow it is the therapist where most of the real work is done. For now that is all I can think of.

Wide Wake

Despite the fact I have taken a sleeping pill, I'm wide wake. I'm having trouble shutting down my mind that is racing at 100 miles per hour. Too many things going on.
I see my psychiatrist this afternoon and I am going to ask her if one of my new medicines is causing me to shake. Some times it is so bad I can't get my fork or spoon to my mouth without dropping the food. My hand writing is now barely legible. Typing has become quite difficult. Anyway something has caused this and needs to be addressed.
Tuesday I see my therapist and boy do I have a lot to discuss with her. I have been following Just Be Real posts from the book The Courage to Heal and it has been very triggering, I think this is a good thing for me. The book has open up a lot of questions on my own healing.
I really guess I should try to get some sleep. I have already cleaned the house and there is nothing on TV.

Saturday, September 12, 2009


Therapy seems to be causing me to have increased memories and flash backs. The last two days has been very intense. I am having a lot of body memories. My sleep is restless and I am very tense. I believe this will be a good thing, but it is rough right now. I hoping someday total healing will come. I am hoping that remembering the abuse will open up the door for some good memories to come back also. I have almost no memories prior to my 18th birthday. I would like to think that there was some good in my childhood.

Thursday, September 10, 2009


Let us remember 9/11/01 and pray for those lives that were forever changed.


Today is suicide prevention day. I have been there thinking it was the only answer. IT IS NOT! Suicide is not painless. It causes great pain to those we leave behind. Yes there is always someone that will be greatly affected.

If you are in a suicide crisis, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

God Cares

I'm tired and in pain today, so I must go to my chart about what God says.

God Says: My grace is sufficient for you ( II Corinthians 12:9)
God Says: I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28-30)

This helps knowing He cares for me. My emotions are frazzled. I think I'm a mess, but God is there. I know without Him I would not be able to make it some days.

Sometimes I question these truths because of things that have happen, but again I know He must care.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009


*******Possible triggering*******

I still can not see the face of my stepfather. I feel the restraints on my limbs as I am held tightly down. The smell of alcohol and tobacco are strong. There is pain in my vaginal area and burning as he penetrates me. He is so strong and I am so small. He makes moaning noises as he continues to relieve himself. When he is finished he tells me "little girls who tell stories disappear and are never seen again." I hurt and cry all alone. I feel dirty and unclean. I want to die, yet live.

Sunday, September 06, 2009

My Son

I fear my son might be undiagnosed bipolar. He is being treated for anxiety and depression, but he has really bad mood swing. His sleep is erratic and seems to have fits of anger. Some times he will go days without sleep. I wish his psychiatrist would look more closely to see if he is indeed bipolar. He is about the age I was when I was first diagnosis as being bipolar.

Saturday, September 05, 2009


Seems all I can do for the past few days is sleep. I am so depressed I can not stand to be awake to think about anything. I will do just about anything right now to not think. I keep crying and I hate that. I do that alone where no one can see me. Why can I not accept that things may always be this away. I hate my mood swings. I hate the side effects of my medicine. Right now I just want to stop crying.

Wednesday, September 02, 2009


I'm having anxiety today about my lost of income. I still can get calls to come in and work, but I do not have any guarantees. I already stress every month over making it. I'm also very nervous about working at different places. I am trying to relax and believe this is for my own good, but I am having trouble with that. With my new medicines I have tremors that are worst when I am stressed, so I am very concerned. I wonder if this is a test of my faith. "All things work together for the good of them that love Him." Maybe this will build back some of the confidence I have lost over the last couple years. Right now I'm still in the anxiety mode.

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Rough Day

Today has been a rough day.
  1. Found out today the clinic I've been working part time no longer needs me. Cost cut backs. I can not say it was a total shock,but still is going to make things more difficult. I'm having some side effects from my medication which makes it difficult to type. I never know till the morning if I am needed to work.
  2. Found out that I had hurt my son feeling by not offering to take him to see a movie the other day. Offered today but there was nothing showing he wanted to see,
  3. Really rough therapy session. When she asked what I liked about myself physically, I said nothing. I see myself as fat and ugly. Something no one would want. We talked about the hurting child inside me and my lack of feeling safe.We talked about my dreams.
  4. I'm in a lot of physical pain today.
  5. I'm sad today.