Rain

We are suppose to get rain tonight. With the temperatures running over 100 degrees that should provide some relief. Rain can be a wonderful thing. Even in your life some "rain" produces new growth, changes, and more color to life. The problem is, I feel I can not get out of the rain storm. I feel like I'm drowning in the storm. A couple of people have said "you need to get over it". I'm not sure what "it" is at this point. I beleive that if you can't say something good, you should keep your mouth shut. I do feel it is safe to say what I feel here. Sadness seems to be choking me and I don't even know why I am so sad. IF there was a reason then I could handle it. Not knowing why I have been this way is almost as bad as the saddness. I know this can not last forever, but it's not any fun. I see my "T" and "doc" this week. I hope someone can help! I guess I'll try to put on a little smile and pretend everything is fine. Thanks for putting up with me. I'm sorry I have been so blue recently.

A Place Called Home

A Place Called Home

by Wanda Arthington

Sad, lonely, broken, and all alone
My soul searches for a place called home
A place of safetly and soft retreat
A place to hear music, oh so sweet

A place to be, who you are
A place to come, when you gone far
No masks are need in your home
You're safe, sheltered, and never alone

Home is not a house built of wood or stone
I live in the satfety, in this place called home
Jesus loves and lives in this place today
Home is a place where I'm not afaird to stay

I found a home of friends to share
All the problems, dreams, and all my cares
A home has become a quite retreat
As I learn to worship at Jesus' feet

Home is not what I remember of long ago
Home now is a safe place where I go
Saftey , shealter, and love enough to share
With eternal hope and Jesus in the center there

Stablized?

I told my doctor I had been very depressed now for last two weeks. He says " Now we got your mood stablized we can treat the depression." What? Can someone explaine that comment! I'm taking a poll. What is the best anitdepressant out there? I believe I've been on them all. Just trying to see what has worked for other people. The latest drug of choice is Lexapro. Good or bad? What's the vote?

Out Of The Mouths Of Babes

I was looking for something that would encourage and uplift myself and others. These pictures were so cute, I thought they might just do the trick. The saying are so true! Hope you enjoy!

Mask

Mask

I put on my mask so no one can see
All the faces and pain inside of me
I become that person you want me to be
I never can show you the real me

A little gril wants to laught and play
But inside of me is where she will stay.
The teen inside hides all the shame
She has alrealy learned to play the game.

Protector and keeper, brave and ture
No one will ever see she's sad and blue
She's tough and fights will all of her might
She must protect from the things that are just not right.

Out side you see the mask I put in it's place
As I pretent to be brave and run this race.
Inside I cry and pray for someone to see
And pain and tears locked deep inside of me.

Wanda Arthington

Refinanced

Well the house refinancing went through and I have been busy paying everyone off. Yeah!
PAID IN FULL- wonderful words! The house, well maybe in twenty more years. This does help some of the stress. Now there will be only one major bill to worry about. It's always good to reduce stress. Speaking of stress, did you know it is now less than 5 months until Christmas? Just something to think about. lol

I'm OK

Just letting everyone know I'm ok. I'm still fighting depression, but I am safe. I didn't want to do a blogger" no no" and drop off the face of the planet after telling everyone I was depressed.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those that love Him."

So Depressed

I thought finally the medication was right. Geodon is the latest drug of choice. I was sleeping better and felt pertty good, but the bottom has dropped out today! Everything makes me want to cry! How can I be on top of everything one minute and wanting to crawl in a hole the next minute. This is getting very old! Maybe the depression was triggered by the fact I saw a new thearpist today. Or maybe it because my known world is colapsing. Or maybe it was my "X" coming to my house. Or maybe because I just need a break. Who knows? I just get so tired of the depression. What in the world would it be like just to feel normal?? Not like you can change the world with one hand, but just normal. I'm trying to do the right things, but still the darkness of depression is crushing me. I'm so sick of this. When I am this depressed I feel so alone. I feel like I have been abandoned. What is wrong with me??? I am trying to use better coping skills this time and not do anything that I'll regret later. I just hate depression! Why is it so hard to regulate bi-polar meds??

Safe in God's Hand

For the last several days I have been struggling with fear and worry. "What is the next step?" "I'm hurting too badly to do what needs to be done." "What's going to happen to us until the disability comes through?" "What if I'm not approved?" These and many other thoughts have just beaten me down. Today at church our pastor talked about how we are in God's hand and that nothing can destroy us. We can not let our joy be stolen. Worry won't change anything. Trusting God will change things. He also talked about how we needed to be in agreement with other belivers and then there is more power to do what needs to be done. I know I'm God child, so I am safe in the palm of His hand. Nothing can harm me there. Fear and worry have to submit to the power of God. I guess I needed to be in church today. To be reminded of who I am and that I am God child. With God's help and the love and support of friends nothing is impossible!

One Day at a Time

I've been trying to take things one day at a time and every day there is something new. I am getting to work a few hours this week. The effect: I HURT big time. My feet and legs are now becoming discolored and painful, on top of the swelling. The doctors now want to get some stat testing done, to see what is causing the problem. More $$$$, which I don't have. I guess this is one of those times when you just need someone else to help you pray. All things considered I'm still happy and reasonably calm. (((hugs to my friends)))

Trying Too Hard

I have been trying so hard to work with my company until I can get on SSD. They just won't work with me at all. They keep the solution" just out of reach" and are making it impossible for me to try to do this in a way that can benifit both me and the company. After 18 years of hard work you would think they could be a little flexible, but oh no, the theme seems to be" let's make this as difficult as possible. " I have always been a workaholic and give 110% or more to my job. I feel like I've been "kicked in the teeth" by the company. It funny the company mission statement is "To provide the healing ministry of Christ in all that we do." and they can not even work with a long time employee that is having health problems. It is not like the solution I offered would only benefit me, but it would also benifit the company. I have always had excellent reviews, been a hard worker, and literaly given to the company until it hurt. I just talked with the head of HR and they are going to let me work 4 hours 3 days per week "as long as it meets the needs of the clinic". In other words they are despirate right now. lol We just live one day at a time and go from there!

Weird

This is to weird. My life is spinning out of control or at least nothing is going the way it normally does. In all of this I have this deep peace and calm. This is not me!!!! I'm always "wired for sound", but not today. This is way cool. It has got to be a "God thing". I think I'm going to just in enjoy it and not try to explaine it!

Peace

Funny thing, I got some bad news today about my job, but I still have a feeling a peace on the inside. They are not willing to let me work "part time" until I am feeling better. They stated that they "could not accomadate me at this time." I know they could have done the request if they wanted to. Oh well, their loss. I signed my refinance on the house today. Scarry, but a relief also. I also feel better about the "forgiving issue". Today I just plain feel good. I'm happy and that is a good feeling! It funny now how long I had no feeling and now they are all over the chart. I love the good ones! I just love the feeling of peace!

Forgive

I am fighting with an issue that I really don't know how to deal with. I know we must forgive those that have harmed us in order to heal. I feel I have done this for several people and several issues. I still struggle with abuse that was done to my children. I can forgive someone from hurting me, but I don't know how to forgive someone that has harmed my children.
How do you forgive when you are not the victim? Can you still want "justice" for the victims and still forgive at the same time? When you are fighting against something that is wrong, how do you not hate the one that commited the act of violence ? How do you fight against the abuse without bitterness toward the abuser ?
Please, if someone has some ideas, please share these with me.

Thank you

This is to all of my friends that are there when I'm up, down, or somewhere in between.. Those that are there, when I'm "bullet proof", am a small frighten child, when I cry, when I laugh, and when I wonder why I keep trying. Friends. What a gift from God! Thank you for being my friend!

My Life -Short Version

"trigger warning"

As I have been reading other's blogs and their stories , I wonder if I will ever be able to fully tell my story. This is the short version. So many years were involved. So many types of abuse and so much shame attached to the abuse. What happened between the ages of four and twelve, I can forgive myself for. I had been penatrated before I was in the second grade. The fondling and oral stuff started when I was about 3-4 years old . I was too little and too dependent on my parents to have changed much of what happen then.
After being tied down, burtalized, sodamized, and repeatedly raped, before my 12th birthday, I gave up. I was repeatedly told "little girls disapear all the time and no one would miss me." I just didn't care anymore about myself. I was defeated. The years between 12-18 I think I just learned to "play the game". I tried to protect the younger ones, so "giving myself" to my stepdad wasn't such a "big deal".
By this time, I felt if there was a "god", he didn't care about children or their pain. At sixteen I started dabbling in a form of witch craft with a friend, who father was also molesting her. We would cast "spells", make vodo doll, etc of our parents . In fact I was totally convinced when my stepdad died I had killed him. ( I was about 18 years old at the time)
When I was about 18-19 years old I had a "nervous break down". I deleted my past. I was a virgin again. Problems fixed-NOT!!!
I then married a very controling, abusive man. I can not even begin to say what he had me do to please him. The control he had over me was unbelieveable, even until this day. After several years of the abuse I divorced him, when our children were in their early teens. He now is out on bail for molesting his daughter of his second marriage.
I still can not forgive myself for what happen in our marriage. How could one person control another for so long?
All my life I have fought with suicidal thinking. I was ready to kill myself when a friend I worked with asked me to talk with her pastor. She didn't know I close I was to killing myself.
I had all I needed and a plan to cover all parts of my kids being care for financially. I was terrible to this pastor. I was hateful, mean and told him I didn't believe in him or "god." The next day this pastor called me. The kindness in his voice showed he wanted to help. He counseled me for a long time before it finally sank in. He was showing me that Jesus loved me, no matter where I had been or no matter what I had done. This man's kindness did lead me to Jesus. I thank God daily that someone care about me when I didn't even want to live to pray for me. Someone took the time to show me that Jesus loved me and was just waiting to be invited in.
Jesus is now my hope and I want to help other know His love. I want to help those that have been abused know, they are worth everything to God, and He dearly loves them. I want others to see what abuse does so it can be stopped.

Hurt

• 
  A few quick questions. I'm not an expert on emotions. I shut them off most of my life, so I am just asking theses questions to honestly get information from others. Let me know what you think about these questions.
• Can you only be hurt it you let someone hurt you?
• Can you be hurt through no fault of your own?
• Is being hurt a sign of weakness?

Next steps

What steps I am going to take.

1. I'm going for 20 year refinacings on my house.
2. I'm going for the disability.
3. I will be resigning after I have exhaused my last 3 weeks of benefits.

This may not sound like I have come upon any great action plan, but it has been very difficult for me. I have peace on at least I'm doing what I think is right.

The reason for the 20 year refinacing is to pay off my debts, so I'll only have a couple of payments to worry about on my fixed income.

I just am no longer able to handle the job due to the stress and all my medical problems. Stress has caused flare up of all my medical issues. With the severe depression, PTSD, UCTD, Chronic Fatique, Asthma, HTN, and kidney problems ,I just can no longer keep working. The Disability will be a cut in pay, but the job has been draining every bit energy I had. I should be able to live on my 401K until the disability goes through.

I believe I will be able to get better and help others by following this plan. I taking a big step of faith and believing I doing what is best for me and what God wants me to do. I HAVE SOME PEACE NOW!

Scream

This picture shows how I have been feeling for the last several days. Tonight I decided to just go with my "best plans" and let the chips fall where they may. I believe in God, so I can not believe He will let me make a total mess of my life, when I have asked Him for guidance. So next post should be about what decisions I have made. Thanks you everyone for your support. It is sometimes has been hard trying to make the best choices when you feel you are all alone. I guess we never are truley alone unless we make the choice to be alone. God bless.

DECISIONS

God tells us to have the faith like a little child. I am trying, but struggling with this. Right now I feel I have to many decisions to make. I'm stressed about knowing I can no longer work at my current job due to all my mental and physical health issues. I'm trying to help my youngest son with severe panic disorder get disability. I'm working on getting disability for my self. My oldest child needs me to talk with the thearpist to "fill in the blanks" of the last 20 years. My "X" is coming to town to see the kids. He still has the open felony chages against him for child molestation.
Money is a real problem. I need to try to deciside to try to keep and refinace my house, sell it and down size. or move into an apartment. My fixed income will be less than what I have now and I'm struggling making it now.
I talked with my friends, pastor, and a couple of bankers, but I am still so confused. I been in a lot of pain recently so I am much more anxious than normal. I quess all of the stress threw me into a complete regresion or flash back or something. I ended up loosing several hours. I 'm worried that I am going to totally "lose it" I am trying so hard to have that child like faith while checking out my options. I just want to rest an feel it going to be ok. I guess that is why it is called FAITH- you can not see ahead. "Let go and let God " seem to be the best solution. Now for the inner strength to do this!

Abuse

I wonder if the abuser every realizes the life time of pain they cause their victims. I know that statistics show most abuser were also a victim of child abuse themself. What prevents the one that was abused, from becoming an abuser him or herself? Do all children that are abused become "victims" or "abuser" ? I look in my family history. I was abuse as a child. I married someone that was abused as child. His father was a child molester, he became a child molester. What chances do the children have? His daughter from the 2nd marriage was removed from their home. He admitted he had molested her and states he may have molested our two children. What are their changes? My oldest child, who is now an adult, "T" has asked that I come to a meeting to "fill in the blanks". My oldest has totally "blacked out" his childhood. It sound all too much like the first 18 years of my life. I blocked out it all, but it didn't go away. I t continued to effect every part of my life. I wish I had not been so blinded by my pass. Maybe I could have seen this. Maybe I wouldn't have worked so much. Now all I want to do is to help those that are hurt. Yes I'm healing. Yes it hard work. If this can be broken, what ever the cost, it must stop! No child should be hurt. Child abuse hurts.

FEAR

So much has been happening so quicky, I believe I am just living in FEAR. I was once given this definition of fear.
F- False
E- Evidence
A- Appearing
R- Real
Seems like life can be one storm after another, but sunshine all the time would be dull. Changes add color to our lives. Artist's always say the best pictures have some "dark" woven in. Sometimes when I go through all of this, I wonder if my "life painting" will just be one dark blob. Then I remember my friends. I know friendships add rays of light to our "life paintings." I thank God everyday for my friends. I can not imagine not having friends that support me!
Another wonderful person told me if I don't have all the answers then I should:
"Let go and let God. "
We must admit some things are too much for us to handle. My pastor also states if we admit we need help, we can recieve it. He has on more than one occasion told me to say:

I can't.
God can.
So I'm going to let Him.

Sometime I feel those of us that were abused in early life find trushing and reaching out to God and others is more difficult. True friendship is worth any risk that you might have to take. It is well worth the risks. Thank you to all my friends. Where would I be withouth my friends??

Down But Better

I guess I was really pretty out of it when I wrote my last entry. I hate it when I feel I'm not in control, but there are time that I just lose it. Thank you all for your support, kindness, and prayers. I do feel all of your love and support and am so thankful for those that care about me.
I am going to try to just rest in Jesus' arms tonight. Some times it just seems there is too much to do. I miss having someone by my side to help, but then I remember, my friends, church, and Jesus are always there to help.
I quess it also more honest to let others see the frighten "not in control" side of me. Again thank each of you for letting me be me. (((hugs))) to all of my friends.

PS: Teddybears do help!

Crying

i hate this, I just cryin like a baby, gee wheez that is so stupid and i am not stupid. where are all the brave people not here tonight, Alone and sad, wanting to hurt myself. my stupid head won't shut up. i don't want ta be alone. i don't want ta hurt anymore, why can't someone else decide what's the right thing to do?? I just want someone ta hold me and let me know i am safe. or maybe break something and watch it shatter like me, i don't want to cry any more. Big girl don't cry-just babies cry not big girl, stop stop stop. can not see any more i go to bed with my bear.

Hurry up and Wait

I want to know why in life every thing seems to be a "hurry up" or "wait" situation?

Right now several of my blogg friends know I have not been feeling well. I seem to be having some severe physical problems that, bless there little hearts, also trigger some of my mental issues.

I have been checking into what opions I have and it seems like I'm spinning out of control.

Fact: I'm not healthy enough to continue what I'm doing.

1. Should I just "down size" and work less?
2. Should I push the disability issues?
3. Do I just work until I fall over dead?
4. Do I let my company fire me?
5. Do I resign, because I just can no longer do what is required?

More Facts:

1. I have been "ill" more in the last 6 months than I have since I started with the company 18 years ago.
2. The company I work for is "very big business" and doesn't care about the employees. ( this has added to the already stressful situation)
3. Disability pay would drop my income about $400.00 per month and I barely make it now!
4. My youngest son is a severe agoraphobic and has not been able to work in over 2 years. I'm trying to support both of us.
5. My son just applied for disability to help with his medical bills and currently has zero income.

I have several questions, but I'm getting more over whelmed by the moment. I using my short term sick benifits right now at work, because the is no way I can work full time right now. If anyone has been throught this and has any suggestions , I sure would like to know your ideas on what the best steps are.

Tag

My first time tagged. But here goes.
Four jobs I have had in my life:
House keeper
Lab Tech
LPN/ floor nurse
Administrative Coordinator
Four movies I would watch over and over:
Devils Advocate
Megiddo- Omega Code 2
Primal Fear
Woman Thou Art Lossed
Four places I have lived:
Indianapolis
Tulsa
Broken Arrow
That's all
Four TV shows I love/loved to watch:
CSI
Criminal Minds
Star Trek
Law and Order
Four places I have been on vacation:
Vegas
Washington DC
Saint Louis
Dallas
Four websites I look at daily
Dreaming And Believing
A Safe Place
Pearls and Dreams
Life Spacing
People I'll Tag
PK @ Pearls and Dreams
Wolfbaby @ Dreaming and Believing
Enigma @ One Women's Journey

Thankful to be an American!

With the 4th of July around the corner I just want to thank all of the soliders and veterans that have bravely served our country.

What kind of soul are you

You Are a Newborn Soul

You are tolerant, accepting, and willing to give anyone a chance. On the flip side, you're easy to read and easily influenced by others. You have a fresh perspective on life, and you can be very creative. Noconformist and nontraditional, you've never met anyone who's like you. Inventive and artistic, you like to be a trendsetter. You have an upbeat spirit and you like almost everything. You make friends easily and often have long standing friendships. Implusive and trusting, you fall in love a little too easily. Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul

http://www.blogthings.com/whatkindofsoulareyouquiz/

Remember

By Wanda Arhtington

As a child, I laid awake alone in my bed.
Wondering if this would be a night of peace or of dread?
I would hold my pillow to my chest oh so tight.
And pray no one would come through that door each night.

I was only a little gril, not even the age of ten.
Already I felt there is no way I could win.
Still I would try to fight with all my might.
Bursied and wounded, I made it through another night.

Lying still in the darkness, as quite as a mouse.
I would listen for every sound and moan in the house.
I prayed and cried alone each and every night,
For strength to endured the pain and to make things right.

It's hard to remember a life without fear.
I wondered the reason God put me down here.

I would try to potect the others littles at night.
To keep them safe, I knew this was right.

The protector I became, but no one saw
All the abuse and tourture behind those walls.

Broken hearts of children defeated and alone.

We were all just his trophies with no safety at home.

I look back and remember a little girl and childhood gone.
Did the pain and suferring really make me strong?
One thing I know now, is the abuse must stop right here.

Oh God,please let me help one child, not to feel this pain and fear.

Control

Being in control has always been an issue for me every since I became an adult. Control was a way for me to show, that "I was OK" and could do anything that needed to be done. Work was where I would "shine". I was a company's dream. The classic workaholic! I had to be the best, the most dependable, and the hardest worker. The last several days or weeks, I have realized that I can not be in control of everything. My health has taken a downward spin. Being a workaholic was most likely the biggest trigger.

My stress level is off the charts and this has really impacted my health. I had my "life" all planned out. I knew I would work "x" many more years and have "y" number of dollars saved for retirement. Well that's all out the window. Now tell me why, when I feel like "****" does my mind think this would be a wonderful time for me to start remembering more about my "wonderful childhood." Thank you very much, I was quite content with things the way they were. I just want all the voices in my head to shut up and give me time to figure out this stuff. Now tha I've spilled my guts, I'll cry some more and forget this stuff for a little while.

Hanging in There

The last several days I have tried to stay "up beat" and positive. It's been rough! What's going on? I feel I'm in a war right now. It seems everything is under attack.( Body, Mind, and Soul)

1. Physically I am struggling. I'm in a lot of pain, my BP is too high, my heart rate is jumping up to 150-170 beats per minute for short intervals. I am totally exhausted
2. I am an emotional "basket case". I'm trying to laugh every thing off by being a clown. At least that away people won't see how much things are bothering me.
3. Several memories have been triggered and I'm not coping with that either. I cry at a drop of a hat, so I'm trying to laugh and joke around so I won't cry.
4. Work is killing me emotionally and physically.
5. I'm "spacing out" and forgetting to do everything.
6. I am quickly going broke. I'm spending everything on medical bills and medicine.
7. I really need hugs, but am pulling away from everyone What I want and need most I'm hiding from.

Why when you need people the must do you isolate. Why is it so hard to get out of bed? Why do you cry everytime your mind slips into neutral?

Monday Again?

Well what happen to the weekend? It's almost Monday again!


This is my Monday morning smile. Kind of cute, right? lol :)

Enjoy

With so much beauty in life, we need to slow down and ejoy each other and all the good things God has made! I am wishing a peaceful, love filled weekend to all my blogger friends.
Click on the picture to see more detail.

Doctors!!!!

Going to the doctor when you are not feeling well is a big mistake! I haven't felt well for the last several days. My PCP was concern so he sent me to a specialist. My question is how can someone that has spent only 5 minutes with you know anything about you! Needless to say I was not impressed with the doctor or my visit.

It also seems, in the medical field, there are at least two areas that doctors are quick to make assumptions about.

1. If you are over weight that "is really the only problem you could possibly have." Excuse me. I have been over weight my entire life and "this problem" has nothing to do with that. Please there is more to the story than "I'm Fat!" Let's at least look beyond that one issue!
2. Forbid that you might be taking any medications for a mental illness. The only answer then is "Are you sure you are not depressed?" Give me a break! Not everything is about depression. I do know when I am depressed. Gee, I should be an expert on that, since I have delt with it since childhood. Please do not assume that just because some has a mental illness that they know nothing about their own body. People with mental illness just have one addition "issue" to deal with.

I really felt sorry for "Dr M" who I saw after the "specialist". I was fussing about the medication he gave me "causing" the problems. He is so nice and understanding! After the theary session he hug me and said "It's going to be Ok." It a good thing there are few doctors you can trust. At least I found two good ones! (My PCP and Dr M)

Thanks

I just want to thank everyone for their support.

Father's Day

Father's Day is one day that has been blotted off my "celebration list" for a very long time. I guess I'm writting because I know there are other people out there that feel the same way I do. Someone that was abused as a child can have difficulty with any Holiday. A Holiday the "honors" one of your abuser can be almost too much for the mind to handle. I also did a poor job picking a faher for my children. Therefore I do not have any good memories associated with the word "Father".

Today was the first Father's Day I have been to church in many of years. I thought I would be alright since I do have a wonderful heavenly Father. I didn't do as well as I had hoped. We saw two "mini" videos: "What My Father Taught Me" and "Things My Father Used To Tell Me". I cried through the entire video's. I finally got up a left the santuray because I was afraid my crying would disturb someone.

As I listen to the videos, I looked back and remember what an abuser teaches a child. As a child I very clearly heard some things that have taken my a life time of work to "unlearn". Below I have listed some of the messages an abused child is taught.

1. I am not important, I have no rights.
2. Saying "no" only causes additional pain.
3. I have no boundaries of my own.
4. I am here to be used by others.
5. I not worth anything.
6. I must be a terrible person and deserve what ever I get.
7. God must feel the same way about me, since he is a heavenly "Father".

All of the above beliefs are not true. These messages can be rewritten, by knowing what God says about each of us. It takes time and a lot of work to learn who you were intended to be. Change can and does happen. It happen by individuals taking a stand against abuse. Abuse hurts, and we must each do what we can to stop it.

Time

Time is a gift we have to spend. How we invest our time effect all of our relationships and every other asspect of our life. Today I got to spend most of the morning with my youngest son and this afternoon with my oldest child. I really enjoyed being with them. They are now early twenties and no longer my "little babies". My oldest, I don't see very often, so it was fun going to the garages sales. Then we went to the "Parade of Homes".

I look back and remember when they were young. Learning to ride a bike, swimming, baseball, and karate. Teaching Chris to pitch and play T-ball. Looking back I wish I had worked less and spent more time with my kids. That time "has been spent" and it can never be recalled.

God gives us 24 hours each day. We then decide what we will do with it. I want each day to be meaningful. I want to live and love others. I want to look at flowers, laugh, and play. I want to see the beauty in the world and bring joy to others. I want my time to be well spent!

It's just been one of those days!

Thoughts

I'm not sure if other people have this trouble or not. There are times, usually when I'm feeling sad or depressed, that I feel like my thoughts are not my own. The thoughts almost seem to "command me"or have a "personility" of their own. I seem to have this problem more when I'm depressed, tired, or over stressed. The type of thoughts I'm talking about are not like flash backs or anything like that. I know I'm here in the present, but almost feel I must compley with the commands.
Over and over again, it's like the thoughts are telling to "put your hand through a glass window" or some other harmful behavior. Sometimes I just lay in my bed crying, praying, and quoting Bible verses. I'm not sure how to explain this any better, but was wondering if anyone else might have had this happen to them. I would welcome any ideas on this subject.

Friends

So many times we get so busy that we forget what is important in our lives. Work, money, and possessions have little meaning without friends. Friendship take time to develop. It's not an accident. Someone I admire greatly once said to me, "To have a friend, you must be a friend." Being a friend involes some risks. You open yourself up and there is a possibility of being "hurt". Friendship comes with trust and feeling safe. A friends is someone who loves you, encourages you, and stands by you in spite of all your faults. Friends are one of God greatest gifts. I am so blessed to have friends that care deeply about me. A few years ago, I thought it was too "risky" to reach out and build friendships. Now as I see the faces of my friends, I know friendship is one of the most important things in life.

Trick or Treat?

A good friend (who we will call YH) called last Thursday and stated she had a leave town for a friend "who wasn't doing very well" and wanted me to go with her for the drive. Well I was very tired, but YH would do anything for me, so I said "sure". I assumed it was her brother's wife, who had recent surgery.

After working 12 hours, I went home, packed a few things, and drove to her house. Since it was late we decided that we would leave first thing in the morning. Still no wiser we got up the next morning and headed out.

After we had driven for awhile I notice we weren't go toward Texas, but in the oppsite direction. She started laughing at me and said "you are the one, not doing well!" YH continued to state she was taking me to Eureka Spring for the weekend and I was not allowed to worry about anything. She paid for everything, so I had no out of pocket expenses.

We had a great time. We walked & walked through all the little stores. We went to a Jamboree, saw a "hauted hotel", and just plain had a blast. Late our frist night we were sitting by the pool, and since I thought we were going to care for a sick friend, I had no swiming suit. Oh well, we were the only ones at the pool, the moon was full, and I was feeling a little crazy. I then "howled at the moon" and jumped in the pool fully clothed. Oh yes, I guess I am a little crazy!

The next day we went on a horse and buggy ride. We looked at flowers and just laughed at everything. It so beautiful in Eureka, the hills, flowers, and cool spring waters. I have to believe this "trick" turned out to be a real "treat".

Friend Needs Help

A good friend called late last night requesting that I go with her to help sick family member. I will be out of town for the next few days.
PK, if you read this before I call don't freak. I will call you before I head out this afternoon.
I shall return shorly.

The "E" Word

Everyone already knows I'm a nut, but PK and I have been having a blast exercising together. We are like a couple of "chatterboxes" the entire time we are working out. (except of course when we have to shut up just to breath. lol) Trying to set realistic goals can be hard for me. I want instance results and I want them yesterday. Pk has inspired me with her steady sensible weight loss. We have an accountability chart we are keeping, then sharing with each other each week. The primary goal is to get healthier instead of focusing on the number of lbs lost. That can be a big problem for me. I'm hoping by the end of the summer there will be a noticable improvement in my weight and my health. I have already notice I feel happier after exercisng than I did before.

You Are Sunrise

You enjoy living a slow, fulfilling life. You enjoy living every moment, no matter how ordinary. You are a person of reflection and meditation. You start and end every day by looking inward. Caring and giving, you enjoy making people happy. You're often cooking for friends or buying them gifts. All in all, you know how to love life for what it is - not for how it should be.

What Time Of Day Are You?

Journey of Hope

There are things that happen to us that causes life to be much more difficult. When hope is totally lost, life becomes an endurance contest that you do not care if you win or loose.

Several months ago I started journeying to a happier and more peaceful life. What I have found that the things has helped me the most are as follows:

1. Good physicians.
2. Intense counseling
3. Support of friends and family
4. Friends that accept you "just like you are"
5. A supportive church
6. A Pastor that genuinely cares
7. Writting poems
8. Blogging
9. Making new friends
10. Helping others
11. Rest and Medication
12. Trusting a loving God, who cares about every part of my life.

I truley belive if there was even the smallest hope for me, there is hope for everyone. I friend sent me the beautiful picture someone that has walked each step of this new journey with me. The poem below shows how I'm beginning to change.

Wall of Stone

By Wanda Arthington

A little child learns to build her wall of stone.

No arms to comfort her, she was all alone.

Each stone was placed with grief and pain.

She cried and prayed, but no one came.

She built the wall higher each day.

This was to keep the pain away.

She did not know this wall of stone.

Would soon become her prison home.

Now numb and frozen in this place.

She never was really safe.

No one would hurt her any more.

To her soul, she had closed the door.

.

She tried to leave the world behind.

She looked and looked, but could never find,

any hope, any joy, any safe place here.

Her life was now too full of fear.

In despiration she prayed and cried,

"Oh Jesus, Why haven't I died?"

Jesus reached down and took her hand.

He said in love, "I'll help you stand."


Together they are tearing down the wall of stone.

Replacing it with a heavenly home.

Now she has joy and peace within.

She no longer under the curse of sin.

Note: The "curse of sin" is referring to the harm that was caused to the child by someone else.

Three of Five

These are the three oldest children. I have two younger brother also. I am the oldest girl. I am really number two of five.

Changed Forever

Some things happen in each of our lives that will change us forever. Child molestation and child abuse are only two of these event, but they are the two issues I want to write about tonight. It can change the face of a child for a long time. I looked for a photo of me smiling after the abuse started and I couldn't find a single one, until after my step-dad left.

Many studies have been done that state children that were molested are much more likely to molest as an adult or become a "victim" of other abusive relationships.

The mind of a child is a very wonderful thing. It protects the child. It allows the child to "lock" the information away that is too painful to process at a young age. At 18 years old , after 14 years of abuse, I had a "nervous break down". I hit the delete button and erased my past. I really did not remember anything!

You would think that would have solved the problems, but it did not. I followed the predicted path and married an abusive man. It just seemed "normal" even with no real memories of my past. I found later in my life that my "X" was also molested as a child and become a child molester himself.

After the birth of my first child, I started having nightmares and flash backs. I would end up places without knowing how I got there. My file cabinet that had been so tightly locked, began spitting out these hidden images. I believed these where "just dreams" and could "get on with my life". Then my 2nd child was born. This time things were terrible. I ended up being admitted to a mental hospital for several days.

From the hospital I called both a brother and my sister. They both confrimed these things did happen. One said "That was a long time ago. What difference does it make now? My dad was a jerk and I pissed on his grave." My sister was so shocked that I did not remember anything. She too had been molested, but stated Grandma "stopped him from hurting her anymore." (She also had her demons to fight with this issue.)

I have been in and out of thearpy several times. I'm better than I ever been in my life. I have a great support system of friends and my church. God is healing the wounds. I would encourage anyone to continue with what ever it takes to heal. It is well worth it. Never give up. As each of us grow stronger we will continue to help others along their journeys too. That is what life is all about, helping others.

The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly

THE GOOD;
1.I'm very proud of my dear friend PK for doing two very difficult tasks in the last 24 hours.
2. No matter what, I belive God is still in control.
3. I have the best friends in the world. 3-D and Cyber
4. I have two kids that I love dearly.
THE BAD:
1.I'm letting people get to me at work about the new "reorganization" of work. I belive more are supportive than not, but this has been hard.
THE UGLY:
1.Another medications reactions! I'm swollen like a toad frog. My hands are shaking and my lips are twitching. Very pretty! I may just have to have mood swings the way it looks. Talking with the doctor again tomorrow.

Conculsion the GOOD is still better than the "Bad & Ugly"

Not My Planed Weekend!

First I want to thank all my new blogging friends for support. I feel our friendship will do nothing but grow stronger. There is always a bond created when people had had simliar problems, joys, and sorrows. I repect each of you deeply.

(Very special thanks to, fallen, JIP, wolfbay) Just in case anyone has a question what a true friend it could be summed up by what PK did for me this weekend. (((hugs to all of you))

I'm still pretty confused why all this happen. I have lost time before and now am even more concerned about where it goes. Most of the time the "flashbacks" happens at home in a "safe place". I can feel like something is going to happen. This was too quick. A few minutes of sheer panic and I'm there. I'll be talking more with my own doctor about this as soon as I can get in to see him!

They said it was because they where adjusting my medication, but I hope they are correct on that. I'm not sure what bi-polar medications and flashbacks would have to do with each other, but again I'm not a doctor either. The new drug of choice is Abilify. It looks like it can treat more than one disorder. This is the third day on it with "no major side effect yet". We will see.

I hope everyone had a fun filled weekend!

Update

Wanda's Wings

I've seen Wanda at each visiting period. She's doing well. She should be home Tuesday or Wednesday.

They are waiting for the medicines to get to therapeutic levels.

She had a treatment plan today, and it looks really good.

Personally, I believe she is holding up remarkably well. Sooo much better than I would be doing. If it were me ... I'd be in serious trouble (ok, Wanda, when you get home and start reading this, stop laughing) I would be literally hiding in a corner. I would be accused of 'isolating' (and the problem with that is???). SHE is following instructions.

Note from Pk at Pearls and Dreams

Hey, Last night I had to take Wanda to the emergency room when Wanda had a flashback that was worse than she'd ever had. We'd had to call an ambulance.

She's been admitted to a very good psychiatric hospital (part of the healthcare system that she's employed at) to help to stablize her medications.

They think she'll be there for a few days. I'm going to see her in a couple of hours.

Her son hasn't contacted me and isn't answering the phone when she calls. It has both of us concerned.

Keep them both in your prayers.

SCREAM

Yeaak!!! Yeaak!! YEAAK!! There now I"m better.
You know you are in trouble when the doctor you work for says, "please try to keep healthly while I'm on vacation." And your shrink say "You are so delightful" and hands you a perscription for Lithium and Xanax.
I wonder what tomorrow will be like? Keeps things interesting anyway. No one can ever said my life was dull!

Bad Things Happen to Good People

Sometimes I wonder why bad things happen to good people.
I think of JIP. Her child being so sick.
My dear friend RS wife ill, Downs daughter.
My almost "twin" PK chornic illness.

I believe I am a good person that loves others. But it seems I'm being hit right and left with "not so good stuff" Both of my children are having severe mental problems right now. I have always tried to hold everything together. That is what I'm suppose to do. But then Bang! Right between the eyes. I got blind sighted.

Big problems at work! I was demonted on Monday. Like this could be the begining of the end. The real problem I'm having is I can not concentrate at all at work. I'm laughing about a demotion in front of people. Whats that all about? This was a "set up" by a lie and I could never present the "rest of the story"

Truth is I can not stay there. Truth is my focus is nonexistence. I'm having termors in my hand at work, so bad I can't hold a cup of water or type. At least I see Dr M tomorrow.

Ok. It's time to put my money where my mouth is. I say I believe in God. Well "Humanly" or in "my own strength" I can not deal with all that is going on. I must put it in HIS hand. God says with Him all things are possible" He going to have to show me the next move!

Question

I was just wondering how command is it to dissociate in PTSD? If peroids of time are not fequent is this a command symptom? Is a hour "missing" consider a long period of time?

Wanda's Wings

Wanda's Wings

Your Values Profile

Loyalty: You value loyalty highly. You're completely devoted to your friends and family. Even if they totally screw up, you're still there for them. Just make sure they're equally loyal to you! Honesty: You value honesty highly. You're unflinchingly honest, even when it's not easy. For you, integrity is very important - in yourself and others. People may not always like what you say, but they know they can trust it. Generosity: You value generosity highly. So much so that you often put your own needs last. There's nothing wrong with having a caring heart... But you may want to rethink your "open wallet" policy. Humility: You value humility a fair amount. You tend to be an easy going, humble person. But occasionally your ego takes over. You have a slight competitive streak - and the need to be the best. Tolerance: You value tolerance highly. Not only do you enjoy the company of those very different from you... You do all that you can to seek it out interesting and unique friends. You think there are many truths in life, and you're open to many of them.

The Five Factor Values Test

Never say Never

I think I've become more relaxed and feel safer than I ever have in my life. The change? God, Friends, and Loving Support. I totally belive that no one was made to be alone. We need others. We need someone to say, "Hey, you don't have to be perfect. I love you just as you are."

When children do not grow up feeling safe, they often don't know how to react in the "adult world". They find other ways to survive. They can not trust anyone. I found myself trying to be "perfect" and "in control". This only lead to addition frustion and defeat. My self hatred grew. Life had no meaning because I could never be perfect.

Recently I spent alot of time with a pastor that accepted me "just as I was", with all my faults. A thearpist that help me look at painful events. Friends that supported me. Doctors to help regulate the biochemical inbalances.

Am I "normal" yet? I don't think so. I am happier. YES! Have I arrived? Not by far. I guess you can say "I'm a work in progress". A few doctors, a therapist, a pastor, and a few good friends might definitely agree with this last statment.

I guess the reason for this post is to let everyone know:
1. Hold on and never give up.
2. Let others support you when your too weak.
3. Somebody loves and belives in you.
4. God loves you always and formost.
5. You don't have to be perfect, be you.

Wanda's Wings

Wanda's Wings***You Are a Glazed Donut***


Okay, you know that you're plain - and you're cool with that.
You prefer not to let anything distract from your sweetness.
Your appeal is understated yet universal. Everyone dig you.
And in a pinch, you'll probably get eaten.


What Donut Are You?
http://www.blogthings.com/whatdonutareyouquiz/

Medications

I getting very discouraged about my medications. I have had a panic disorder and depression since childhood. I belive it was created from fear. I have suffered PTSD with brief periods of dissociation since I was a teen. In my late 20 I was told I was bi-polar. I've been on several medications, all with side effects. What do I do? Get discourage and stop taken them of course! Then things get out of control. I end up in the hospital. I have "black outs" or "loose time". I hurt myself. So why do I stop? I don't know.

The new medication has caused a 9 lb weight gain in one week. My legs look like tree stumps. Let's see. Hey I could weigh over 500 lbs in a year. What a charming thought. Why can't they find a medication that works! I trying to do everything I told and it's still is not working. I am really trying to be good. WHY? Does anyone know any medications that really work? It is getting harder and harder to do my job. I don't know what to do!

Too Far To Go Back.

As I look back over the last several months I have "felt" more than I have since I was about 12 years old. I learned a very young age that "shuting down" was far less painful. The bad thing I found is that you can't pick and chose what you want to turn off when it comes to your emotions. Both the good and the bad are equally tightly "stuffed" inside. It funny how releasing some of bad had made it possible for me to have a whole range of emotions. I spent several of the hardest months ever looking at why I was the way I am. I used to hate for anyone to touch me. Now I loved to be hugged. I laugh more, maybe cry more, and I sure do feel more. I see more hurts and pains in others and I want to help them not hurt as much.

I thank God each day that He is patient with me. I have friends that care about me. A pastor that thinks there is hope for me. One doctor that thinks he can regulate my mood swings. ( the vote is still out on that one). All in all- I'm not there, but it getting there.

Better Day

I always worry about the holidays. My least favorite have been Mother's Day and Father's Day. Well today was the best one I have had in a few years. I always had regrets that I never had a Mother-Daughter relationship with my mom. This always brought sadness and robbed me of the joy of my own children. With all our faults, I got to spend some time with each of my kids today,whom I dearly love. This was good. I spent time with my church family. This was good. I even won the "crazy hat" contest at church today. This was fun (despite the fact Pk mis lead me) . There was laughing, there where hugs, there were memories, both good and bad. A few tears, but in all, it was a good day. RS even commented that I showed up on a holiday (something I used to avoid). I hope everyone had a good day today. Hugs to all! I hope each person got to make some new joyful memories today.

Mother's Day

Mother's day is very difficult day for me. It can only be topped by fathers day. My children are a little older now. Only one still at home. I am so glad they were God's gift to me. I was told I was very lucky to have been able to have them because of internal damage.

I never remember my mother ever telling me she love me. Not once. So that is one thing I think I did right. I told them how much I loved them. I tried to tell them that every day.

There were five of us kids when I was growing. Three fathers. Two of the kids lived with Grandma most of the time. I was not that lucky. Some people should not have children. My mom, father and step dads, were people that should not. Some words are never gone once they are spoken. I'll never forget being told "You were just a wasted Fuck" Words can heal or kill.

We have a choice what we do and say.It is my choice to encourage and uplift others. Not to break them down. I want to tell all my special friends that have helped me so much. Without love and support there is nothing.

Our church is having a "funny hat" Mother's Day. I going to go there and enjoy the day. Spend time with my kids and be thankful. It has taken so many years to get here and I'm not there yet. I won't let anyone steal anymore joy out of my life. Not my past, a bad marriage, or any of that. Love to all of those that need hugs. We are not alone.

Words Make A Difference

Right now I am really struggling with some biochemical problems that make me feel so very depressed. I know in my head what is going on, but that doesn't change what I feel. Something that did help, were words spoken in kindness by two dear friends via e-mail and the phone. I posted the e-mail on my desk and carried another around in my pocket at work. Knowing that Pk & RS cared, has kept me going today. They have encourage me to relax and trust God. As I have said before trusting is not something I do. It is true what we say to each other and ourself can make such a difference in a day. Words are important. They can help heal.

Cycle of Child Abuse

The poem posted with Sunday date is one that talked about the abuse that molded my life. Child abuse in any form takes years to recover from. The damanage can be great. There is hope. Someone must say it stops here and now. If not the cycle will continue.

Not perfect

Very interesting day. Felt bad all day. Emotional and physcial. Was thinking I was not important to anyone, that stinkin' thinkin' stuff, ya know. Started talking on line to Pk and found a Bible verse. 'I am beautifully and wonderfully made." I was not looking for a verse, it was in my bill box. I think it was God's way of saying He still loves.

I don't have to be perfect. I can be hyper, sad, screw up, or what ever, but He still loves me. People may not always understand. People may be somewhat "put back", but God doesn't see it that way. I can be safe and know He loves me.

I do wish my moods would settle down. When I'm like this it so hard to think and I'm trying to work which hasn't been easy.

Family Secretes

Sad little girl, she hidding from Dad.
Hoping Mom would protect, if only Mom can.
Hiding under her blanket with tears and in fear.
No one can protect her, too many secretes here.

To say no, was a beating in the basement, oh so cold.
To school in shame, now the little girl must go.
Deep family secretes and bruises she must not show.
When daddy comes in, she no longer say no.

Broken and defeated, she now was only eight.
Daddy had moved from fondling now to rape.
The secretes remains behind doors closed, oh so tight.
The suffering she endured, it just wasn't wright.

As a teenage, she hides in fear. Her secretes no one must know.
Deep family secretes that continue to grow.
No one ever questioned why she never cried.
Deep sadness shown from her dark blue eyes.

She leaves home and marries a man just like dad.
She thought she be so happy , but she oh so sad.
The first time he hit her, she knew life had not changed.
Different players in the cast, but life remains the same.

For several years she lived under his abusive hands.
Now she has two children, thay also seemed so sad.
Why was she blinded so by this abusive man.
Family secert starting over again. Get out while she can!

A few years latter she get a dreaded call.
He was arrested for the worst abuse of all.
Molested his daughter, confessed to molesting her only sons.
The thing she want least in life, was the abuse to be passed on.

Lower Lows & Dumber Highs

I'm back, and of course, not the out come I wanted. Spent too much money, and have been crashing hard. I have tried to hid my illness by not letting any get to know me. "Keep a safe distant" and we will get along fine. The depression gets so bad all I can do is cry. That's hard to hide at work. The "up side" seems to get me in as much as the "down side"

I get so mad at myself for feeling "bullet proof". When I'm up I usally do something I regret. I wish I could get this deep pain out. It's not working today, so I'll stop writting. Maybe later.

Leaving town

I going to Texas for a few days. Sould be back Sunday in time for church. Didn't want Pk to freak. Back soon. I got to get away! Trouble

Needing Each Other

I was one of those people that thought I didn't need anyone. I could handle anything by myself and no one would ever hurt me again. About 5 years ago I had hit rock bottom. I had detail plans to end my life. My kids would better off with the insurance money. or at least that is what I told myself. I just could no longer deal with life. A girl at work asked me to speak to her pastor. She must have saw something in my eyes that day. So in despiration I went to see him. Immediatly he had three strikes against him.

1. He was male. I had not had any good experiences with any male in my life.
2. He was a pastor. I didn't trust those money grabbers.
3. He seemed nice. He had to have an agenda.

When I left the office he said he would call me the next day. I thought to myself, "Yah right!" But something kept me from killing myself that night. The next day he did call. I was shocked because this man didn't know me at all. It was the first time I had ever seen him. He actual did what he said he was going to do. This was the first step to starting to tear down a protective wall I had built around myself.

If I had not meet Pastor Randy, I would not be alive today. It took me almost 4 years talking with him before I really started to fully trust him. He was patient and kind. This was a new experience for me to find someone who accepted me "as I was", broken, defeated, but loved me anyway.

Each of us meet people each day that are hurting and broken. A smile, or a kind word could save someone life. For me it began with a very kind person keeping his word and calling me.

Failure

I knew I've been struggling for the past several days. Two of my dearest friends felt something was wrong yesterday. PK and RS. PK was very in tune that there was something that just was NOT right. I though I could continue to pull it off. I've been pushing too hard for the last three weeks. Duty, resonsibilty, and "staying in control". I've kept my word. I took my meds as prescribed, ( the entire hand full!) I have not cut, drove crazy, drank, put my fist through glass, spent too much money, or purged. So I guess I didn't toally fail.

It seems the physcial problems (Lupus, Thyroid problem, Chronic fatique, HTN, and asthma) are figthing the mental problems (PTSD, bi-polar, panic disorder, dissociate disorder and ED) I tried going to bed early at 8 PM last night and did go right to sleep. When the alarm went off at 5 AM I could not get up. I was going to push it and try for 6 AM. I was hurting so bad and so exhausted I still couldn't make it, so I called in sick. I just don't call in sick! I went back to sleep for another 6 hours. I just got up and it was all I could do to carry a bag of trash to the street. WHAT is WRONG WITH ME? I'm taking my meds. I'm being "good".

I'm always responsible. Well at least the "bad" things I do are always hidden. I can not belive this, but I'm still exhaused, so I'm going to lie back down. Can anyone relate to this or am I just totally whacko?

TROUBLE