Friday, June 02, 2006

Changed Forever

Some things happen in each of our lives that will change us forever. Child molestation and child abuse are only two of these event, but they are the two issues I want to write about tonight. It can change the face of a child for a long time. I looked for a photo of me smiling after the abuse started and I couldn't find a single one, until after my step-dad left.

Many studies have been done that state children that were molested are much more likely to molest as an adult or become a "victim" of other abusive relationships.

The mind of a child is a very wonderful thing. It protects the child. It allows the child to "lock" the information away that is too painful to process at a young age. At 18 years old , after 14 years of abuse, I had a "nervous break down". I hit the delete button and erased my past. I really did not remember anything!

You would think that would have solved the problems, but it did not. I followed the predicted path and married an abusive man. It just seemed "normal" even with no real memories of my past. I found later in my life that my "X" was also molested as a child and become a child molester himself.

After the birth of my first child, I started having nightmares and flash backs. I would end up places without knowing how I got there. My file cabinet that had been so tightly locked, began spitting out these hidden images. I believed these where "just dreams" and could "get on with my life". Then my 2nd child was born. This time things were terrible. I ended up being admitted to a mental hospital for several days.

From the hospital I called both a brother and my sister. They both confrimed these things did happen. One said "That was a long time ago. What difference does it make now? My dad was a jerk and I pissed on his grave." My sister was so shocked that I did not remember anything. She too had been molested, but stated Grandma "stopped him from hurting her anymore." (She also had her demons to fight with this issue.)

I have been in and out of thearpy several times. I'm better than I ever been in my life. I have a great support system of friends and my church. God is healing the wounds. I would encourage anyone to continue with what ever it takes to heal. It is well worth it. Never give up. As each of us grow stronger we will continue to help others along their journeys too. That is what life is all about, helping others.


Dreaming again said...

*hugs* But the smile is back today! And getting brighter every day! There is life in your eyes again.

mysti said...

Most people do not realize how much child abuse can effect you for the rest of your life. It shapes a person. I to was abused as a child, and as I grew up and entered relationships with men, I found myself in one abusive situation after the other. I have now been in therapy for four years now. I am finally coming out of a continued cycle of abuse. People who know about my past have a hard time understanding how a woman can be raped as many times as I have. (4 times in my case, not counting the sexual abuse of my childhood.) Your self confidence becomes zero. Where most people develop an ability to trust their instincts, those who have been abused, or raped do not trust theirs. I am so sorry you have had to deal with abuse. Know though that with good Therapy and time you will heal, and develop the instincts and trust that most people take for granted. I am still in Therapy, but not as often, and only to help with my self confidence.

wolfbaby said...

I am glad your getting the healing you need and you have friends like PK their to lean on and help... Its important to help and lean with a friend. Each of you watches the other and sees all the improvement and changes.. and its almost like looking in the mirror isn't it:) God bless and good Luck!!!

wolfbaby said...

ps... those are adorable pics!!!

Wanda's Wings said...

PK-we will make it!

mysti: Thank you for sharing with me. I am glad you are healing.

wolfbaby: Thanks for your support. PK and I are like twins. But she always tell me I'm the older

Fallen Angels said...

I'm sorry you have to remember this stuff. That really sucks.


jumpinginpuddles said...

im so sorry you suffered so much pain, sometimes talking helps wanda and sometimes it makes it worse trying to find the balance is what is the hardest.
Will blog about this sometime today. Im glad you have the support, and that you although struggling through have people you trust to struggle through with :)

Raine said...


Marj aka Thriver said...

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm thinking of organizing a blog carnival to stop the silence about child abuse (maybe CSA in particular). Would you consider linking this blog post for such an event?

Wanda's Wings said...

That sounds like a great idea.
let me know

WW said...

How sad that your brother and sister knew all the while, but had no idea that you had blocked it out.

Thank you for sharing your story.


April_optimist said...

I have the same experience when I look at photos of myself as a child. By those alone you could pretty much figure out when the abuse began. But now, as adults, we can reclaim those smiles. Now we can reclaim the ability to be happy that was our birthright. I'm glad you posted. I wonder how many people will now look at photos of children they know and wonder about the ones who do not smile.

john michael said...

I am a SO for one who has survived abuse, she is also MPD/DID and to her as well as you and every other person who is surviving, whether barely or thriving, i can only applaud and honor the strength each of you has exhibited day in and day out. Now, your new goal is simply to help others, as well as yourselves. Simply stated but not a simple thing to accomplish, but via these blogs and sights you all give comfort and support to each other. I have seen what this can do, Keepers, my wife, is stronger than ever before, her strength is coming from those who support her survivorship, people like you.

Again, I bow to all survivors in honor of what they are achieving.

Peace and blessings

John w

Austin of Sundrip Journals said...

there are few times when I'm speechless but this is one of those times.

I've seen a lot of pictures of myself as a child. I can see past the smile right into my eyes. They showed exactly how I felt. You can smile for the camera but you can never fake a smile and fool your spirit.

until again,

john michael said...

Keepers are so sorry for what you have gone through. The devestation of being abused as a child never goes away but survivors can gain strength by speaking out and taking the abuse out of the darkness so light can be shed on what happened. Keepers will keep you in our thoughts.

peace and blessings


john michael said...

People look at keepers pictures from childhood and see this tiny little grin which to them means our lives must have been okay. It is so important that people begin to look beyond the facts because that is where the truth lies.

peace and blessings


Franki said...

You are doing wonderful work, especially being able to smile today. Congratulations. One of my counselors had me do a scrapbook of my life. It helped me sort out a LOT. It also helped me see how the incest affected me. I didn't understand how I could look like such a happy little girl. Then I remembered, I had to smile. I had to pretend everything was ok. He made me.
Congratulations on your healing.
Franki -
Thank you for your post, and for

Mystory said...

I am so very sorry that you had to suffer as a child. I have my storage cabinet unlocked and threatening to open at any time. I am 54 years old and just coming to terms with my past now. I dissociate a lot and lived in fantasy land for most of my adult years. What a horrible waste huh? As soon as I am capable, I am going to make the next 30 years or so the best years of my life. Bless you for being so very open. God speed. Mystory.

Anonymous said...

I Admire your strength and endurance. I really do. I too was sexually abused as a child and have only recently tried to open my heart to all that has passed. I am in my early 20s. I am doing well and know I will be great. However there are moments of darkness that I continue to fight. I will get through this. You are an inspiration.