Sunday, July 23, 2006

Forgive


I am fighting with an issue that I really don't know how to deal with. I know we must forgive those that have harmed us in order to heal. I feel I have done this for several people and several issues. I still struggle with abuse that was done to my children. I can forgive someone from hurting me, but I don't know how to forgive someone that has harmed my children.
How do you forgive when you are not the victim? Can you still want "justice" for the victims and still forgive at the same time? When you are fighting against something that is wrong, how do you not hate the one that commited the act of violence ? How do you fight against the abuse without bitterness toward the abuser ?
Please, if someone has some ideas, please share these with me.

14 comments:

wolfbaby said...

well i wont say it again cause i said it in the im... but i will say this

(((hugs)))

and

good luck!!!!

Nanadeb said...

I think you're asking a good question, and a necessary one. Forgiveness, to my understanding, is a process. Some acts against us are easier to forgive than others--we may be able to forgive them instantly. But something which involves abuse, and especially abuse of our kids...that's going to take some time.

I believe that God wants us to forgive, but I don't believe He expects us to be able to get over something atrocious over night.

What's in your heart is more important than anything else. If you have the desire to forgive, then you can leave it up to Him to bring you to that point according to His time plan for your life. We must be willing, but as we know, "the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak."

Don't TRY to forgive, you'll only end up greatly frustrated. Don't confuse forgiveness with reconciliation. Some people cannot be reconciled with because they will not change their abusive behavior, or hold themselves accountable.

I've had to disconnect from several members of my biological family for that reason. It hurts. It's not fair. It makes you feel guilty. But I will not expose my grandkids to their abusive ways. I will not expose my parts (I have DID)to that either.

God tells us to be gentle as doves, but sometimes we forget that He also says to be wise as serpents. We are not to be stupid about who we allow to influence us.

As for those who abused your kids, that will take a lot of healing on your part. In the meantime, you don't have to obsess about what was done, but also remember that forgiveness isn't the same as saying, "Oh, you didn't do anything wrong." If they hadn't done something wrong there would be nothing to forgive in the first place.

Hope this helps. . . I'm still in process of trying to forgive the people who have hurt me. (Didn't mean to write such a long comment!)

survivor said...

That's a very good question. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer. I know I haven't forgiven my father, and probably never will. I have accepted the abuse though, and I think that's enough, at least for now.

I think forgiveness is a personal choice, and not one that happens immediately either. It may take 5 years or 20 or even 50 years to forgive someone.

I also think it's OK not to forgive. Like I said, I haven't forgiven my father and I don't think I ever will. Maybe that's what makes this so hard, but he doesn't deserve forgiveness...

Sorry for rambling...

(((((((safe hugs)))))))

Emily said...

I don't think you can forgive, just understand. My Mr x was abused as a child too. He was as damaged as he made me. I've written some thoughts about child abusers here. It's all very off the cuff about why I don't think Megan's law is a good thing (I know that will upset some) because in my case such a law would not have identified Mr X as he was a family member with no previous. The danger to most children is those we trust and spend most of our time with. The people we love.

I am going to clarify this view in another post but here is my start at thinking about it all (please note there is a lot of detail here about my case and it might trigger)

http://doingitallagain.blogspot.com/2006/07/2440-paedophile-sentencing-and-mr-x.html

Fallen Angels said...

I'm stuck on the forgiving thing...I think I have to remember it all before I can forgive it.

Sera

Jade said...

I often deal with the "forgiveness issue" myself. And the best and only advice I can give...as contrivercial as it may be for some is....give it to God. My belief is that there are no accidents or mistakes in this world. Though we may not understand this concept as humans..sometimes the only thing we can do is have faith and give the pain to God. I hope you're able to find some peace within this soon.

Wanda's Wings said...

WB:
Thanks you know I enjoy your thoughts and ideas. I enjoy our "im" talks too!

Nanadeb:
I also believe God wants us to forgive. Maybe I was thinking to forgive you must be reconciled. Good point! Thanks for stopping by my blog. Hope to see you again soon.

Survivor:
As you know I think you have alot of your courage. I had not thought about giving this more time. I apperciate your input.

Emily:
Thank you for sharing your story with me. I now see that protection of the kids maybe worth more than the whole court thing. Please visit me again, I appereciated your insight.

fallen angels:
I know what you mean, trying to find the "end" of the abuse issues. I not sure I'll ever remember it all. You know how much I admire you. Thanks

Jade:
I agree God is the only way we can forgive. It is some times "hard" to let go and let God take care of things. Thank you for stopping by my blog. I hope to see you again soon.

mysti said...

Forgiving is hard. It has taken me a lot of soul searching to be able to forgive others. My worst was learning to forgive myself. Then I had to sort out in my soul just because you forgive someone does not mean you have to have a relationship of any sort with them. I had to tell myself no contact was alright. Mainly I found that once I realized that I only needed to be hand in hand with God and nothing else mattered It allowed peace and forgivness to automatically happy.

Hugs

Dreaming again said...

we talked on IM about this, so you know what I think.

I love the comment about not confusing forgiveness with reconciliation ...wish I'd said that!

Wanda's Wings said...

mysti:
You are right forgiving oneself is the hardest. Always thinking if I had done this or that maybe things would have been different. I glad God isn't as hard on us!
DA:
I'm glad we IM. you had alot of great input on the subject! Thanks again!

Raine said...

I think part of forgiveness lays in changing your definition of forgiveness. For me it is that I no longer wish that person any harm. THAT I can do.

Wanda's Wings said...

raine: that was good! I like it. I can do that! :)

Wanda's Wings said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Emily said...

Wanda

I will definitely be coming back. It is all a bit scary as I am new to writing about any of this part. I haven't even really spoken to anyone about what happened apart from "I was abused."

I would like anyone visiting my site to understand that I write straight from my head to the keyboard. What I mean is my thoughts aren't fully formed. They are like little children waiting to grow. If I say anything that offends anyone about how I feel about my Mr X, forgiveness, managing sex offenders or anything like that, know that I don't mean to. I am only talking from my perspective and that perspective isn't whole. I am growing as I write it all down, like you all have and are.

It might be useful for some of you to know (although I don't write this on my blog) that I am a press officer for a police organisation. I get to see behind the scenes. Sometimes it is hard to handle. To me, seeing that side, I can't see how anything can protect people from abuse. The problem is HUGE. Especially what I see in internet-related child abuse.

It's all this that lies behind most of my ambivalence towards government policy and sexual offences. It is devised by people who have no idea what we need.

Anyway, I am rambling. Sorry!