Monday, May 01, 2006

Failure

I knew I've been struggling for the past several days. Two of my dearest friends felt something was wrong yesterday. PK and RS. PK was very in tune that there was something that just was NOT right. I though I could continue to pull it off. I've been pushing too hard for the last three weeks. Duty, resonsibilty, and "staying in control". I've kept my word. I took my meds as prescribed, ( the entire hand full!) I have not cut, drove crazy, drank, put my fist through glass, spent too much money, or purged. So I guess I didn't toally fail.

It seems the physcial problems (Lupus, Thyroid problem, Chronic fatique, HTN, and asthma) are figthing the mental problems (PTSD, bi-polar, panic disorder, dissociate disorder and ED) I tried going to bed early at 8 PM last night and did go right to sleep. When the alarm went off at 5 AM I could not get up. I was going to push it and try for 6 AM. I was hurting so bad and so exhausted I still couldn't make it, so I called in sick. I just don't call in sick! I went back to sleep for another 6 hours. I just got up and it was all I could do to carry a bag of trash to the street. WHAT is WRONG WITH ME? I'm taking my meds. I'm being "good".

I'm always responsible. Well at least the "bad" things I do are always hidden. I can not belive this, but I'm still exhaused, so I'm going to lie back down. Can anyone relate to this or am I just totally whacko?

TROUBLE

4 comments:

Dreaming again said...

Trouble, you are someone with chronic illnesses ... you can't do it all!

Sometimes ... you have to call in!It happens!

The fact that you haven't given into our improper coping skills is remarkable!!! Remarkable indeed. Especially given the fact that you not only went to Connect 4, but participated in the running of Connect 4 and you have some of the same social phobia's I do!!!

You my dear friend ... are showing remarkable strength. That is why RS is pushing you so hard. Not because you're failing so badly ..but because you're going so strong.

You don't push the failing, but the progressing!

Love ya,
trouble!

jumpinginpuddles said...

sounds to me like you are having a bad day your body is under stress and its taking its toll, mentally and physically. Dont be so hard on yourself it happens to the best of us.

We have some shocking days for various reasons, but we know for every bad day and the calls to the T we will have some good ones also. Calling in sick isnt a crime its a chance for you to rest and i hope you can manage to do some of it today.

wolfbaby said...

honey you call in sick and guess what your normal;) everyone needs a day to recoup when there ill and down. Few people would be able to handle the issues you deal with on a daily basis so well.... keep your head up and try not to be so hard on yourself.

fish said...

Great bit of blogging on your site! If you get a chance look at my site subliminal messages