Tuesday, July 18, 2006

My Life -Short Version

"trigger warning"

As I have been reading other's blogs and their stories , I wonder if I will ever be able to fully tell my story. This is the short version. So many years were involved. So many types of abuse and so much shame attached to the abuse. What happened between the ages of four and twelve, I can forgive myself for. I had been penatrated before I was in the second grade. The fondling and oral stuff started when I was about 3-4 years old . I was too little and too dependent on my parents to have changed much of what happen then.
After being tied down, burtalized, sodamized, and repeatedly raped, before my 12th birthday, I gave up. I was repeatedly told "little girls disapear all the time and no one would miss me." I just didn't care anymore about myself. I was defeated. The years between 12-18 I think I just learned to "play the game". I tried to protect the younger ones, so "giving myself" to my stepdad wasn't such a "big deal".
By this time, I felt if there was a "god", he didn't care about children or their pain. At sixteen I started dabbling in a form of witch craft with a friend, who father was also molesting her. We would cast "spells", make vodo doll, etc of our parents . In fact I was totally convinced when my stepdad died I had killed him. ( I was about 18 years old at the time)
When I was about 18-19 years old I had a "nervous break down". I deleted my past. I was a virgin again. Problems fixed-NOT!!!
I then married a very controling, abusive man. I can not even begin to say what he had me do to please him. The control he had over me was unbelieveable, even until this day. After several years of the abuse I divorced him, when our children were in their early teens. He now is out on bail for molesting his daughter of his second marriage.
I still can not forgive myself for what happen in our marriage. How could one person control another for so long?
All my life I have fought with suicidal thinking. I was ready to kill myself when a friend I worked with asked me to talk with her pastor. She didn't know I close I was to killing myself.
I had all I needed and a plan to cover all parts of my kids being care for financially. I was terrible to this pastor. I was hateful, mean and told him I didn't believe in him or "god." The next day this pastor called me. The kindness in his voice showed he wanted to help. He counseled me for a long time before it finally sank in. He was showing me that Jesus loved me, no matter where I had been or no matter what I had done. This man's kindness did lead me to Jesus. I thank God daily that someone care about me when I didn't even want to live to pray for me. Someone took the time to show me that Jesus loved me and was just waiting to be invited in.
Jesus is now my hope and I want to help other know His love. I want to help those that have been abused know, they are worth everything to God, and He dearly loves them. I want others to see what abuse does so it can be stopped.


Dreaming again said...

I'm glad for your friend ... I'm glad for your pastor. I'm glad you gave it enough of a chance for our friendship to happen.


Now, let's see if I'm still glad for your pastor tomorrow at 4 :P

Wanda's Wings said...

Well as much as I love our pastor, he may not be happy with me at 5 PM either.
Maybe i should send him this blog first. lol

Enigma said...

praise the Lord for that co-worker and pastor.

When you are ready, you will tell your full story. Sharing the "short version" is a step in that direction if so desire it to be.

Until then, maybe just by sharing this has helped someone.. someone out there who finds your blog and learns that there is light at the end of the long tunnel.

(((((safe hugs))))) if you want them.

Wanda's Wings said...

I glad for people that care! Show Gods love and give safe hugs!

wolfbaby said...

The self hate is a really hard battle to win... I am glad you are learning to win it!!!

Hugs and thanks to the friend who refered you to the pastor!!!! and the pastor!!!

and thank you for being my friend;)

jumpinginpuddles said...

the mudiness of someone elses boots always seem to dirty your door first dont they?. In other words the abuser is an asshole and im sorry youve suffered so much

mysti said...

You know already I relate with your story! I am so thankful for this co-worker and pastor! Thank you for sharing. It took a lot of courage to share.


Wanda's Wings said...

Yes my stepdad was a "AH." I know there was at least one of them in your life too.

Your story is why I felt I must let other know. I have always been so ashamed of being "controled" by others.
Shame is not God's plan, but it seems so much a part of those who have been abused.
God heals- sharing promotes the healing. Thank you for being you.

Dreaming again said...

in regards to your pastor ...

rah ...rah ...;)

Marj aka Thriver said...

Wanda: I got this story for the blog carnival and I will do everything in my power to make sure it gets in the next edition. I think people need to hear your story. What you've been through would have killed a lot of people. I hope you can learn to forgive yourself for EVERYTHING. (You did what you did to survive in an impossible situation that many people couldn't even imagine.) I feel very blessed and touched getting to know you.

Your poem, "Remember" is in this edition of the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. (I finally got the Blogger kinks worked out and it's up.) I'm so glad you're involved on this with us.

brian said...

Thank you so much for stopping by and reading my post. I have just started this journey and have a long way to go. This post of yours is very moving, and I am sorry for all the pain you have suffered.

Raine said...


cheesemeister said...

What horrible things happened to you! This pastor sounds as if he is truly a wonderful person. I'm glad he was there for you. Words can't express how sad I feel for what was done to you.

beautiful dreamer said...

You have a great blog . . . my heart went out to you as I read "My Life-Short Version." To have been so much, and still have such a wonderful spirit (and to share of it generously) is no small thing.

wordsmash (aka beautifuldreamer)

beautiful dreamer said...

Hey Wanda,
I had to create an account at Blogger just so I could leave a comment here. How impressive is that?

Paula said...

Dear, you have survived more than many of us actually can imagine. I remember that many years I played down my own abuse of 5 years as so many people suffered worse!
You have such love in giving yourself to protect the younger, you have such strength to break away. The courage to look at all those things and still be so kind around here. Please be kind to yourself too, you are worth it. Love to you

Patricia Singleton said...

Thank you for sharing this story with this month's Blog Carnival. I know first hand the courage that it takes to share your story with others. We are not alone. The shame is not yours to carry. I know how hard it is to let go of the shame that our abusers put on to us. The shame belongs to the abusers.

Marj aka Thriver said...

I'm glad you shared this with us again, Wanda. I can hardly believe this was from 2006. It's been a while, hasn't it? I'm so happy and honored to know you. And I hope you know: You are loved!