Friend Moving

One of my best friends is moving. She sold her house and will be moving to a different town. Right now she will be moving in with her daughter. We do things together on the weekends, so I am really going to miss her. We will still talk on the phone, but it won't be the same as going out to lunch. This is really going to be hard on me. I'm crying right now just thinking about it. I hate emotions!

Couting Sheep, Chicks or What Ever

Well counting sheep,chicks or what ever isn't working. So what's new? Another night reading blogs and flipping through the stations on the TV. Bad thing is I got a early morning meeting with my therapist. Maybe that's the problem. I think too much. Therapy has been rough recently. May be it is scaring me off. If things get too overwhelming I freak out and shut down when things get too intense. I didn't sleep last night either. Nightmares. I hate PTSD. I least I know I am not alone. I have meet so many kind blogger that have really help me. For this I am thankful. It is great to me able to express yourself and feel the love and support of other. It is nice to know you are not alone.

Friends ,Faith , & Family

Today is a good day to remember the three most important"F's" in our lives.

1. Friends. They know when to say the right words to encourage us, or push us pass a point we can't get over by ourselves. They laugh with us, cry with us and are always there for us.
2. Faith. Something to believe in when nothing looks bright. A hope and joy in times of sadness. Words of wisdom to live by.
3. Family. My son is always there to remind me that no matter what happen in the past good can come from life.
   

A Break

My emotions are all over the place. From giddy to crying my eyes out. I am spending the evening with a friend, so maybe that will help. I am really tired of the crying. Just dinner and a movie, but at least I'll be out of the house.

Medication Adjustment

Due to some side effects my psychiatrist is making medication adjustments again. I'm nervous and anxious today. She is decreasing my Depakote and increasing my Abilify. I heard some bad things about Abilify, so I am a little concerned. I am suppose to check in with her after the weekend. She is very good about getting back with me. I think she is a concerned doctor that really cares about her patients. I feel lucky that she has been so good to me. These emotions are like being on a roller coaster . You would think I would be used to it by now!

How I Contribute to My Own Rejection

This is what my therapist want me to write about. How I contribute to my own rejection. I believe I expect that things are always going to go wrong, so I guess that can be seen as a negative person. I know I am very compassionate, so that not a problem. I really don't like myself, so maybe that comes across. To me is seems most people like me, but I just can not let anyone close. I tend to push people away I think. I fear rejection more than I need to. I don't know. I going to have to think about this one.

Psychiatris

Well I just finished seeing my psychiatrist and she is making some med changes. I am hoping this will help the tremors and decrease my appetite. She is now having me weigh in and keep a nutritional log. She doe not want my calorie intake to drop below 1500 calories, which seems like a lot to me. She doesn't trust that I won't just drop the calories to almost nothing myself.Tomorrow it is the therapist where most of the real work is done. For now that is all I can think of.

Wide Wake

Despite the fact I have taken a sleeping pill, I'm wide wake. I'm having trouble shutting down my mind that is racing at 100 miles per hour. Too many things going on.
I see my psychiatrist this afternoon and I am going to ask her if one of my new medicines is causing me to shake. Some times it is so bad I can't get my fork or spoon to my mouth without dropping the food. My hand writing is now barely legible. Typing has become quite difficult. Anyway something has caused this and needs to be addressed.
Tuesday I see my therapist and boy do I have a lot to discuss with her. I have been following Just Be Real posts from the book The Courage to Heal and it has been very triggering, I think this is a good thing for me. The book has open up a lot of questions on my own healing.
I really guess I should try to get some sleep. I have already cleaned the house and there is nothing on TV.

Memories

Therapy seems to be causing me to have increased memories and flash backs. The last two days has been very intense. I am having a lot of body memories. My sleep is restless and I am very tense. I believe this will be a good thing, but it is rough right now. I hoping someday total healing will come. I am hoping that remembering the abuse will open up the door for some good memories to come back also. I have almost no memories prior to my 18th birthday. I would like to think that there was some good in my childhood.

9/11/09

Let us remember 9/11/01 and pray for those lives that were forever changed.

SUICIDE

Today is suicide prevention day. I have been there thinking it was the only answer. IT IS NOT! Suicide is not painless. It causes great pain to those we leave behind. Yes there is always someone that will be greatly affected.

If you are in a suicide crisis, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK

God Cares

I'm tired and in pain today, so I must go to my chart about what God says.

God Says: My grace is sufficient for you ( II Corinthians 12:9)
God Says: I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28-30)

This helps knowing He cares for me. My emotions are frazzled. I think I'm a mess, but God is there. I know without Him I would not be able to make it some days.

Sometimes I question these truths because of things that have happen, but again I know He must care.

Flashback

*******Possible triggering*******

I still can not see the face of my stepfather. I feel the restraints on my limbs as I am held tightly down. The smell of alcohol and tobacco are strong. There is pain in my vaginal area and burning as he penetrates me. He is so strong and I am so small. He makes moaning noises as he continues to relieve himself. When he is finished he tells me "little girls who tell stories disappear and are never seen again." I hurt and cry all alone. I feel dirty and unclean. I want to die, yet live.

My Son

I fear my son might be undiagnosed bipolar. He is being treated for anxiety and depression, but he has really bad mood swing. His sleep is erratic and seems to have fits of anger. Some times he will go days without sleep. I wish his psychiatrist would look more closely to see if he is indeed bipolar. He is about the age I was when I was first diagnosis as being bipolar.

Sleep

Seems all I can do for the past few days is sleep. I am so depressed I can not stand to be awake to think about anything. I will do just about anything right now to not think. I keep crying and I hate that. I do that alone where no one can see me. Why can I not accept that things may always be this away. I hate my mood swings. I hate the side effects of my medicine. Right now I just want to stop crying.

Anxiety

I'm having anxiety today about my lost of income. I still can get calls to come in and work, but I do not have any guarantees. I already stress every month over making it. I'm also very nervous about working at different places. I am trying to relax and believe this is for my own good, but I am having trouble with that. With my new medicines I have tremors that are worst when I am stressed, so I am very concerned. I wonder if this is a test of my faith. "All things work together for the good of them that love Him." Maybe this will build back some of the confidence I have lost over the last couple years. Right now I'm still in the anxiety mode.

Rough Day

Today has been a rough day.

1. Found out today the clinic I've been working part time no longer needs me. Cost cut backs. I can not say it was a total shock,but still is going to make things more difficult. I'm having some side effects from my medication which makes it difficult to type. I never know till the morning if I am needed to work.
2. Found out that I had hurt my son feeling by not offering to take him to see a movie the other day. Offered today but there was nothing showing he wanted to see,
3. Really rough therapy session. When she asked what I liked about myself physically, I said nothing. I see myself as fat and ugly. Something no one would want. We talked about the hurting child inside me and my lack of feeling safe.We talked about my dreams.
   
4. I'm in a lot of physical pain today.
5. I'm sad today.
   

Just Feeling Good.

I just feeling good today. No real reason, but I would like to share that with everyone.

Crying Child

Since I have been keeping my dream journal, I've notice there is a recurring theme. There is a crying child that wants something from me. The child is always young, about 4-5 years old or less. Maybe it is my inner child. I will be interested to see what my therapist says next week.

Lean on Me

The words to the song Lean on Me have been going through my head today. They are so true! "Sometimes in our life we all have pain , we all have sorrow. But if we are wise,we know there is always a tomorrow." The wisdom is knowing there is a tomorrow. I have found my blogging friends to be there for me. I can "Lean on" them when I am not strong.

Sometimes others might not understand. So I am so glad we have each other to lean on!

Intense Therapy Part I

We started what my therapist called intense therapy today. We went over a line graft about when the abuse started and how it continued into a bad marriage. Things were pretty painful. We talked about how my childhood set me up for a bad marriage. How I severely lacked knowledge to know what was normal and not abusive.The session made me kind of sick at my stomach. She said to keep a record of my dreams and flashbacks,because the deeper we go the more likely I will have some "bad ones".

We talked about the guilt I felt for both my childhood abuse and for not realizing that all homes were not violent. She ask if my children knew that I loved them and that is one thing I know for sure that my children knew I loved them. My regret about my marriage is I did not leave sooner. The physical abuse in the marriage was always directed at me. My X was verbally abusive to the children. I was the "bread winner",because his temper caused him to loose many jobs. I feel guilty that I left them home with him. At the time I thought it was the best thing. Again if I could do it all over I would have divorced the man a lot sooner.

Sunday

I made it to church today. I wish my faith was stronger. I love the music because it always uplifts my spirits. I have been resting most of the rest of the day because I have a bad headache. I know there are others that are really struggling right now and I want to post something encouraging. No matter how dark it looks there is someone that care for you. Never give up. Do what ever it takes to keep on going.

Not Feeling

I'm not feeling anything, just emptiness. I'm not happy and not sad, just nothingness. I do not like this feeling. Maybe something is going to happen. Maybe it's because of medication. I am shaking all over. This is scary to me.

My Baby is Back!

My car is back! I am so glad. I hated being stranded with out my poor little baby. She not pretty to look at, but she runs!

Sign

Lets101 Quizzes -

Feeling Caged

I'm feeling caged right now because I don't have a car at the moment. I miss that poor beat up thing. Hopefully I'll have it back by tomorrow or the next day. I can't get anything done! It's been out of commission since Sunday. Whine ,whine, whine.

Feeling Afraid

I have a feeling of doom hanging over me this evening. I'm in physical pain and it is affecting my emotions. I very afraid to go to bed. I will try all my tricks, the stuffed dog etc, but I feel this is going to be a rough night.

What God Says

You Say: It's impossible

God Says: All things are possible (Luke 18:27)

You Say : I am too tired
Gods Says: I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28-30)

You Say: I can't go on
God Says: My grace is sufficient for you ( II Corinthians 12:9)

You say: Nobody really loves me
God Says: I love you (John 3:16)

You Say: I can't do it
God Says: You can do all things (Philippians 4:13)

You Say: I am always worried and frustrated
God Says: Cast all your cares on Me (I Peter 5:7)

You say: I feel all alone
God Says: I never leave you or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5)

I have found this chart helpful on many days when I have been struggling.

Wall of Stone

A little child learn to build her wall of stone.
No arms to comfort her, she was all alone.
Each stone was placed with grief and pain.
She cried and prayed, but no one came.

She built the wall higher each day.
This wall was to keep her pain away.
She did not know this wall of stone,
Would soon become her prison home.

Now numb and frozen in this place.
She never was really safe.
No one would hurt her any more.
To her soul, she had closed the door.

She tried to leave this world behind.
She looked and looked, but could never find
Any hope, any joy, any safe place here
Her life was now too full of fear.

In desperation she prayed and cried,
"Oh, Jesus why haven't I died? "
Jesus reached down and took her by the hand.
He said in love "I'll help you stand."

Together they are tearing down the wall of stone.
Replacing it with a heavenly home.
Now she has joy and peace within.
She no longer is under the curse of sin

Losses

I'm suppose to be doing a "loss graft" of my life for my therapist.It is to show how life events had a negative effect on me. Before my first birthday my father left. My mom had another child with another man, who was killed while drunk by a train at the age of three. Then come the real problems. At four my new step dad started molesting me. How many losses is that? The molestations, rapes and beatings lasted until I left at 16. I feared for my life from this man. How do you graft that? That's only the first 16 years.

Thanks Mike

Welcome to all my friends that visit.

Brithday

It's my Birthday today. I am suppose to go to dinner with a friend. I am just very nervous about going out. I already had a panic attack thinking about it.

PTSD

"Following are some of the major symptoms of Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). -- Exaggerated startle response -- Loss of memory (forgetfulness) -- Sleep disorders (nightmares and waking up suddenly during the night) -- Flashbacks / images of the traumatic incident that keeps coming back to haunt you -- Poor concentration -- Hypervigilance (very similar to, but not paranoia) -- Hypersensitivity -- Extreme irritability -- Anger over petty issues with violent outbursts -- Obsessiveness -- Extreme nervousness and anxiety -- Muscle aches and pains for no apparent reason -- Unexplained fear -- Low self-esteem -- Lack of confidence -- Experience a sudden numb feeling -- Avoiding anything that reminds you of the traumatic experience"

By Kaven Mathias
I suffer from PTSD because of sexual and child abuse. The flashbacks are the worst part of PTSD for me. I must admit I have all of the symptoms to some degree or another.

Having Bad Tremors Today

I'm having bad tremors today, so it is difficult to type. I'm not sure why some days are so bad. Typing a lot does make it worst. Maybe I have overdone it in the last few days. They increased my Depakote five days ago, but my level is therapeutic. It is just frustrating to try to type.

Therarpist

I so badly need to talk with my therapist but I can't afford the appointment. I need to talk about the nightmares that have been so bad lately. I'm so jumpy. Nobody can even say anything without me jumping out of my skin. I did some SI to relieve the stress. It only helps a little while, then it is followed by shame. My health care is the pits. I really need to be seeing my therapist weekly right now. I just had to vent.

What Causes Bipolar Disorder?

• I have been reading a book to help me understand my wide mood swings, The book is: The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide,by David Miklowitz,PhD. This was recommended by my thearpist. Under the section fact sheet for family is a good explanation which I have quoted below.

"Having bipolar disorder means I have imbalances in the brain's neurochemistry involving the way the cells communicate with each other. Nobody chooses to become bipolar. It is possible I inherited these imbalance from my blood relatives,although not necessarily my parents. My mood swings may be affected by life stress or sudden changes in my sleep-wake habits."

Life has been very stressful,which might be why the mood swings are so much worst. I thought this was interesting and thought I would share it.

I Tried

I tried to go to church this morning, but I had a panic attack and had to leave. I had been anxious all morning, but thought I could do it. It's not even a big church, just a couple hundred people. I only talked to about 10 people before I started to panic. I feel so numb. People need other people, so why do I find a need to avoid them. I just freak out in crowds.

Today is Positive Day

1. I am so thankful I can say I am healing from the scars of sexual abuse.
2. I am thankful for two wonderful children.
3. I am thankful for my friends in blogging land and the support they give me.
4. I am thankful that God gives me strength, when I am weak.
5. I am thankful for those that accept and love me in spite of my faults.
   

I Want to Sleep

I need to go to sleep,but my mind is racing. I been having nightmares anyway, so I not sure why I want to sleep for anyway. I have been messing with my blog trying to add a meter counter,but I am not having any luck. Maybe I just need to give it a rest.

So It 's Raining

I was just thinking, that some times rain spoils our plans, but in the end it cause green grass and flowers. I am looking forward to my brighter day.

Weary

I know you are not suppose to become weary, but I am. I am so tired of trying to remain stable. I am tired of struggling with the severe mood changes and the sadness that overwhelms me almost daily. I can't think straight and make stupid mistakes. Seems like I can only handle life a few minutes at a time. Someone Please tell me I am not alone. I am so stressed!

Sister

My sister found two lumps in her breasts and had to have both breasts removed. Her kidneys are not strong enough for chemo-therapy,so they want to try her on an experimental drug. This is her second bout with cancer and I am very worried about her. I'm trying to save up enough money to go visit her. It seems there is always more month than money.

My Very Frist Post "Broken No More"

I was just a little girl of four,
When my daddy started coming to my door.
He said his touch was a special treat,
For his girl innocent and sweet.

I learned to cry myself to sleep.
The pain I felt was far to deep.
The room felt oh so dark and cold.
Oh the damange to my soul.

I learned the rules and played the game.
My life would never be the same.
The hate I felt, I turned within.
This was all because of sin.

The walls I built turned my heart to stone.
No one could see I was all alone.
I never learned to laugh and play.
I only learned to run away.

Jesus looked down and saw my pain.
He wants to rid me of my shame.
He saw the beauty hidden within.
Jesus is putting me back together again.

Just Need to Talk

Tonight I need to talk where I won't be judged. A 3-D friend really hurt me, by saying "Your just a mental case and you need to get over your past". True, I am bi-polar and have PTSD, but really. I am trying to heal from the past. She told me everyone has "bad things" happen when they are children, but only a "weak person" would let it mess up their life.

I suffered both physical and sexual abuse for several years by my step-dad. My mother did not protect me, in fact she helped. I feared for my life more than once. There was no safety for me, no one to stop the abuse. I coped by learning to leave my body. Then it wasn't real. BUT IT WAS REAL! I am getting better slowly. I may never be "normal". I just needed someone to talk with that understands. Abuse hurts.

Feeling Good

I feel great today. I don't know why, but I'm enjoying it!

Some Days are Harder

1. Some days are harder than others, but I have to believe things will get better. The Depakote ER and Abilify seem to be helping stabilize my moods. I am still depressed so I am also on Celexa . Something is causing me to have a lot of stomach problems since they changed my meds. I can not imagine having a month when there is no depression, no wanting to SI, or no crying myself to sleep. I keep busy. Maybe not enough, but with all my health issues, I do the best I can.
2. Today I went to church. I so much enjoy the music, but with all those people around, I still felt alone. I wish I had stronger faith. I wish I wasn't so frighten of people.
3. Money! Why does it have to be such a big issue. I guess I should say the lack of money. Any unexpected expense just blows me out of the waters. The next two months are going to be really rough!
   

Hyper

Man have I been hyper the last two days. You know the"crawling out of your skin" hyper. Saw my doctor today and will see my "T" tomorrow. They are drawing up a hardship letter to see if I can get some drug assistance. That would help my stress so much. They are also working on a scholarship for me so I can see my "T" more often. I sure hope this works out. They have me check in by phone weekly, but for cost sake I am only seeing them once a month. If this "scholarship" is approved I will get to see my "T" once a week. I'm not sleeping well. Having "feeling nightmares". What I mean is that I can feel the physical pain of the abuse in my dreams. Sounds like several of my blogging friends are struggling now also. I wish healing and peace for all.

Confused

I am very confused about God most of the time. I have a friend who used to be my pastor.He showed me what I believed was what God's love is suppose to be like. His name is Randy.You see, I am most frighten of most people.Me and my family would be listed in the dictionary under dysfunctional. I am bi-polar with severe PTSD. Both of my children suffer from major depression and anxiety disorders. Many times "church people" turn away from me and my family. I feel pain when this happens. Randy tells me God loves me and my children the way we are and only wants to help with the pain. My question is why is there so much pain? I know Jesus went through pain, but I am not that strong. I have read other people blogs that seem to struggle with this. Another thing that bothers me is that churches seem to care more for you if you have money. They seem to want undamaged,wealthy people.( NO PROBLEMS PLEASE!) My new pastor won't even talk with you about problems. Is that how God feels?

It Is Better To Write

Right now I want to cut, so I figured writing is better. I have already been vomiting and that has not helped. I am HURTING! God just let me hang on a few more days until I see my therapist! ****TRIGGERING*****Just a child, so young. No longer feels innocent, because of his touches. She leaves her body to escape the rape. Does the child remember what he looks like? I do not. The child is blamed. She causes this. Such a sexy 6 year old. Hair of gold, jumping around. It's her fault. Soon the child is quiet. Never speaking. She just lives. It happens again and again. No one cares. As time passes the little one knows not to fight anymore. To be hit over and over and know not to cry. IT'S YOUR FAULT. YOU WANT IT YOU LITTLE WHORE. The child dies, but the body lives. She is not there anymore. Only a shell is left.

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!

HAVE A SAFE AND HAPPY JULY4TH!

Must Someone Die for Change.

For months now I have been in the Medicare "doughnut hole". For those of you not familiar with this it is the time when Medicare will not pay for any Rx until you have paid $4040.00 out of your pocket. My Rx cost is more than my disability check each month. Therefore I can NOT afford my medicine. If you have been watching my blog you can see the effect not having my medicine has had. I wonder if the Medicare standards would be changed if a life was lost due to not being able to get needed medicine. I have exhausted my entire saving and still have no end in site. Loss of hope causes one to think the unthinkable.

When Will The Pain End

It is so hard to believe 12 years of sexual abuse from childhood still controls my life. The pain is so real today. I hurt to the point of being physically ill. Nothing has stopped the pain. I cut, it is only a short distraction. Are there people that can never heal? Never sleep without the nightmare? So much money must go to the healing process, that poverty is my way of life. I read on another blog that if mental ill people would just let Jesus in everything would be okay. I do believe in Jesus, but my pain is still REAL! I remember telling my doctor. I thought you could not have PTSD and be bi-polar. She smiled at me and told me she was the doctor and I am text book classic of both. My feeling are running so deep and the pain is so real, I just had to post.

Won't Give Up!

I won't give up! What ever it takes! I'm anger now. Yes I feel something ,so I have something to work with.

One Day at a Time

I was able to visit some blog yesterday and catch up on some of my friends. It was good. I ran out of energy,so I had to stop. I'm on all new meds. They are talking about ECT. My bi-polar is still not under control. They say I MUST start working on the PTSD stuff if I going to get any better. I exhausted. Thank everyone for being there for me!

Been in the Hospital

I just got out of the hospital. They where trying to make medication adjustments. I still feel really bad,but my doctors out of town until Monday. I haven't been this out of control in years. Please continue to remember me.

Struggling

I'm so sorry I have dropped off the face of the earth for a while, but I am really struggling. Thank you so much for checking on me. I am under care of a doctor and am being watched closely so I am safe.

I'm Losing It

I am stressed to the max! I feel like I'm going to lose it. I can not function at all. I can not eat or sleep. All I do is cry. My daughter is really having some personal problems now too and I can not help her. I can not think clearly. I don't know what to do.

Update

Hi. I'm feeling a bit better. I'm on two blood pressure pills now. They make me tired, but this will improve as I adjust to them. Thank you all for checking in on me. You are the greatest!

Not Feeling Well

Sorry I been out of touch. I have not been feeling well. My blood pressure is very high 200/110 and I'm having bad head aches. My doctor is having me rest a lot to keep me out of the hospital. When I am feeling better I'll write more.

What is Wrong With Me?

April is always a rough month for me. Many of the blogs I read have been very triggering and have caused me to ask myself some questions. I have been told that the key to healing is forgiveness. How do you really forgive someone that has beaten, molested, and repeatedly raped you? He is dead , so he can no longer hurt anyone. In fact he died at a very young age. I have said I made a choice to forgive him, but it seem very empty. I have no feelings except pain. No anger. What is wrong with me? It's like I can not feel anger. It's like a movie when I remember. It's me. I feel it, but I can not attach emotion to it. I feel pain for others when I hear they have been molested or raped. I become physically ill when I hear of a child that is molested. Why don't I feel anything for the little Wanda? Will I ever feel?

NUMB

I'm feeling a little numb due to recent poor sleep patterns. I don't like being so"snappy". I am not thinking clearly and have made some bad decisions. My thought patterns are running toward the darker side and I can stop thinking about how much I dislike myself. In my head I know I am just cycling though the depressive/mixed phase of the bi-polar cycle. On top of every thing else I'm having some PTSD flashbacks of my childhood. I'm clueless as to what is triggering them unless it's the fact I have talking with my sister. I have to remember this will not last for ever. If you pray remember me, if not send good wishes this way.

A Good Man

I just left a goodbye party for the senior physician at the clinic I work. He was a very kind and understanding man who was easy to work for. He was also my personal physician for the last several years. I greatly respected him and the way he ran the clinic. Tonight when he hugged me and told me he loved me I begin to cry. He has taken a less stressful job with shorter hours. I am happy he has a better job, but will greatly miss him.

Spring

It is time to start fixing up the place for spring . We need to paint the deck & front steps. Put out some flowers and maybe a hanging basket or two to brighten up the place. My son is not looking forward to mowing the lawn. It seems like spring is really short here. It goes directly to summer. My allergies think it is spring. My noses always knows! I am looking forward to some color.

Rest

Finally the mania is finished and I can sleep! Now it's time to pick up the pieces and see what I've done. People that think being manic is great have never lived it. It is not a good thing. I was so irritable by the end I was not fit to be around. This time I ran out of money for my medicine. The Medicare "doughnut hole" would be a good thing to be fixed by the president. Now I'm on my soap box. How do they expect people on a fixed income to pay out $4,000.00 a year on medicine? One of my medicine cost over what I make for the month. It's a joke! I try to get samples, but that is why I end up manic. Right now I have two weeks of medicine, but I do not know if I will be able to get samples again. I do Know that I will Not have the $1,400.00 to buy the medicine next month. I will just have to do the best I can. Right now it feels so good not to have racing thoughts and to be able to sleep at night. I will enjoy it. I'm happy. Maybe I won't get manic without the medicine. We can just live life one day at a time and enjoy the days as they come. Thank you everybody for all your kind words, thoughts, and prayers.

No Sleep

No sleep in several days. My mind just won't shut down. I am afraid to drive now. I going to double up on the sleeping medicine tonight and see if that works. First thing in the morning I'm calling my psychiatrist. Wish me luck.

Isolation

I feel myself pulling inside myself. Away from others. Afraid of being hurt. It's hard right now to do the simplest things to be around others. I want to. I need to, but I feel frozen. Lost. Even blogging is hard. Reaching out in any way. It began when they told me I needed to take a couple of weeks off of work because my bipolar disorder was affecting my work. The same day I found out that my primary care doctor was leaving. It is so hard for me to trust a doctor. I have real trust issues. There have been too many changes this last year. I guess change is suppose to be good, but I seem to struggle with it. I really don't even know how I feel. I'm just numb. I'm not sleeping. I hate being this way. My psychiatrist says I'm in a mixed episode right now. I just know I am miserable and irritable. My mind is racing,yet I'm depressed. I can't focus. It's got to get better. I'll just take it one day at a time.

Concern

I really worried about my oldest child right now.She suffer from mental illness also and I have not seen her so bad in a long time. It hard once they are grown and you can not make them get the help they need. It all goes back to know what you have control over. I just hate to see the pain on her face and feel so helpless to do anything. I can just love, support and suggest she seek treatment.

Feeling a Bit Better

I'm feeling a little bit better today. I finally got rid of a 2 day headache which was part of the reason I have not been feeling so hot. I'll try to get around to everyone blog in the next day or so. I'm still exhausted, but just wanted to let everyone know I'm doing a little better. Thanks everyone that checked in on me. Hugs.

Sadness

The sadness is so great you could almost touch it. I'm in so much pain. I can not stop crying. I feel like my heart is going to break in pieces or pull apart. I'm shaking so badly I can hardly type. This sadness makes me double up in pain. I know this will go away. I know it won't last forever. My doctor is talking about putting me in the hospital again,but I don't have any money. I just got to hold on. It will get better.

WHY?

1. Why is there mental illness?
2. Why is it passed on to our children?
3. Why is there child abuse?
4. Why is there child molestation?
5. Why is there rape?
6. Why is there so much physical pain?
7. Why is there emotional pain?

These are questions I want to ask God someday when I get to heaven.

Sun Shine

The sun has been shinning the last two or three days and that lifts the spirits a bit. It is nice to see sun shine instead of gray skies. The ice and snow has all melted and the birds think it is spring. It is much more pleasant taking the dog outside in this weather. She still is very nervous and I'm not really sure how to calm her down. I have never had a dog that has been this nervous before. Any tips that anyone has would be appreciate, on how to make her less jumpy.

Prayer request

I am feeling depressed today. I not sure if it is the weather and being trapped in the house or what, but I hate feeling like this. I've called a couple of friends and read my favorite blogs to cheer up and that has helped a bit. I really have got to get to the drug store an pick up my anti depressant. Some times I wonder how I would do without any medicine. Those of you that pray just remember me today. I just need a little extra help.

Ice Strorm

Tulsa is covered in ice as it continues to come down. The roads are dangerous and a lot of business are closed for the day. Schools are shut down, but at least the power lines have not been affected like they where last year. There was a point yesterday that every road had a reported accident on it. One of the main highways had a major 30 car pile up. I made it home from work without a problem, until I got to my driveway. I fell and had to crawl to the grass because I could not stand up. My driveway is on a slop that is kind of steep. Today I am really sore and stiff. It is not expected to get above freezing until Thursday, so I guess I will be staying home until then. I am very thankful that the power has stayed on this storm.

Ranting

Today I hate my mobile home. It has low flow toilets that always stop up. I just love spending the morning messing with a toilet. Oh. I just had to rant a little bit. Next week when I only have to pay lot rent instead of a mortgage payment,I'll like my mobile home again.

Little of This & Little of That

I got my full sized Yorkie yesterday. She is very loving, but very nervous. She is suppose to be house broken, but is not doing too well with that. I guess it the new environment and all. She does go when I take her out (which is frequently), but also has accidents. She is still afraid of Chris, but getting better around him. I don't think she was around too many males before. We are already getting attached to each other. I think this will really help with my depression. Also I am getting exercise walking the dog.

My new therapist called yesterday and gave me her pager number and told me if I needed her at any time to just give her a page. That really impressed me, but kind of caught me off guard. She also worked me in for a sooner appointment next Friday. She sounded like she was concerned and very nice.

I had a flashback at my part time job Wednesday. Not cool! Fortunately it was in the back room in medical records and nobody saw or heard anything. I have been under a lot of stress, so I guess that is what triggered it. I can not afford to lose the part time job. The disability check alone is not enough to make it.

Home Work

Since my bi-polar is more stable than it has been in two years, my doctor has requested my therapist work on my PTSD. She is concerned about how frequently I dissociate and/or back out. I have done this all my life, but I am really afraid of going back into my past history. Medical records,scars, and witness have told me things that I still find hard to believe. My own memories are there,but "not real". It's like I can sometime see and feel the pain, but it's not really me. I don't know how to explain what I mean. I can say I was sexual abused as a child, but it is words. I can say there was physical abuse, but again it is just words. The pains and the dreams I feel now are real,but not. I really feel it, but there is no one here. I am not even sure where here is when it happens. My mind can not comprehend that these things did happen. I hope my therapist is good.

I am a happy as can be. I am not going to let anyone steal away my ability to enjoy life. Yes things are different now. Money is tighter. I'm taking a ton of medicine, but I am still me. I just learned a new computer system, so I do have the ability to learn. I had a wonderful weekend. Maybe I was a little hypo manic. I may have found a dog. She is a small Yorkie. We are going to have to see if she gets along with my son's cat. I so want it to work out. Kind of blew my diet today. Had homemade potato soup, bread sticks, now here come the bad part,a big piece chocolate cake. I'll have to do better tomorrow and ride the bike a few extra minutes tonight. My stupid car is acting up, but there has always got to be something going on to keep life interesting. You know It has to happen on the weekend when there is no way to get it checked out. It would not go over thirty miles per hour so I missed church today. I really love the signing and our pastor is a good speaker, so it would have topped off an excellent weekend. I really need to do a load of laundry and run to the night deposit at the bank. I hope every one had a good weekend.

Hurts To Hear

All my life I've worked hard to improve myself and be a better person. I was a bit of a workaholic. I had been in a supervisory position for 25 years in the medical profession until two years ago when I had to go on disability. I considered myself intelligent as well as a hard worker.
In my last session with my therapist she said something that I just can not get out of my mind. She told me due to my connective tissue disease and bi-polar disease I would most likely never have the same level of cognitive functioning skills again. I have lost so much in the last two years this statement eats away at the very core of my being. I have always been an over comer. This make me feel hopeless and useless. How can an illness steal so much from you? How do you deal with the loss of your ability to think clearly?

Changes

I'm being moved from my new therapist to another one because of some kind of clinic policy about a doctor I had seen. I really liked this one, even if I had only seen her two times. She had a good suggestion that I had never given much thought to. I have chronic pain,so she told me that could also affect the depression side of my bi-polar disorder. I now have given myself permission to go ahead and treat the pain with the medicines that have been prescribed for me. It does seem to be helping some. I can't believe I have to wait another month before I can get in to see another new therapist. I hope she will be as good as the one I had. I need someone to talk to really bad. I just seem to be struggling more and more. I am trying not to use some of my old "bad" coping skills. Writing helps some, so I decided to blog. Besides it's a harmless coping skill.

Encouragement

As I sat down at my computer tonight I was crying from physical and emotional pain. I decided to visit some of my blogging friend sites instead of posting. Every site I went to was so encouraging and up lifting it sparked a bit of hope in my defeated spirit. Each site spoke of hope or the love of God. They reminded me of things I know, but the cares of the last few days had made me forget. I am so thankful for all my friends in blogging land. YOU have really made a difference for me tonight.

The Year in Review

As I look back over the past year there were many changes. There was some personal growth and some hard times. Being on disability has been a real adjustment for me. As a former workaholic, the adjustment has been very difficult. My job had always defined me. It was who I was. Learning this year that there was more to me than just a job has been difficult. My bi-polar disorder has been so uncontrolled this year and the lupus like symptoms have caused me a lot of problems also.
One good physical thing was I lost 50lbs. (Christmas may have put a couple back on). My faith has grown stronger this year and I am trusting a few people which is new for me. I am seeing a new therapist and have high hope this will teach me more new coping skills. I have enjoyed following so many of my blogging friends this year. My year is ending on a note of hope and feeling that more growth will follow next year.

Happy Birthday Jesus! Merry Christmas to ALL!

Funny Christmas Story

People that know me know that I am always try to do something I should get help with. I am not very tall, only 5' 2'', so I decide to put up this 7'6" tree by myself. You know the type too impatient to wait for help. Finally I managed to get all the part together. The tree was in the stand and miracle of miracle I got all the light working. Being rather pleased with my handy work I was down on my knees putting the tree skirt around the tree, when the whole tree feel on top of me. Thinking not so merry Christmas thoughts I scrambled from under the tree. Since the tree was still in one piece I decide I would try to stand that 71/2foot monster back up and tighten the screws on the stand. wow! It was done. I looked a little worst for wear. Finally all of the ornaments and tinsel were in place. The tree was firmly standing by the fireplace and all was well.

THANKFUL

1. I'm thankful for a God who cares for me.
2. I'm thankful for my children whom I love dearly.
3. I'm thankful for my friend who stand by me when things are rough.
4. I'm thankful for doctors who take care of my physical and mental needs.
5. I'm thankful for my blogging pals and the good advise they give.
6. I'm thankful for a roof over my head and a warm place to sleep at night.
7. I'm thankful for a car that gets me where I need to go.
8. I'm thankful for food on the table.
9. I'm thankful for chocolate.
10. I'm most thankful knowing that there are those that love and care about me.
    

Trying to Stay Out of the Hospital

Hi everyone. Sorry I have been out of touch. They are still having trouble adjusting my medications and I'm having difficulty paying for them. Maybe the new President will have a better plan to pay for expensive drugs for the "middle class" (I use that term lightly-since I really come closer to the poverty level.) But I won't get into that less I offend someone. My moods are still jumping between manic and severe depression, but I'm hanging in there. My doctor was talking about putting me back in the hospital, which I really don't think will help. I truly believe I am being tested to see how much I can take before going totally crazy. Last night there was a storm that blew part of my roof off, I blew out a tire today, and of course I'm broke and 6 days away from payday. I'm really am in a pretty good mood. I have been thinking I want a dog. I think that would be good to have a sweet little puppy, but I need to wait until I'm sure my mood is clear. Well I guess I am rambling so hope to see you all soon.

This & That

Well I'm still a bit manic, but at least I've had two nights sleep. Raine you hit it one the money ! My doctor tried Seroquel. She only wants me on it for a short time because it can cause you to want to want to eat more and give you a real "Sweet tooth" Like I don't already have that problem.

Today I went to see a credit counselor and he said I didn't make enough money for him to help. Now how sad is that? If it were not so sad I would be laughing my pants off. So I'm a little twisted. I guess that happens after two weeks of no sleep. The counselor did tell me of a program for cheaper food called "Angel Food". I think I'm going to give it a try. Every little bit helps when you on a tight budget. All thing considered I have been in a great mood. ANYTHING is better than depression!

My friend and I are talking about making a quilt for the homeless people. We have never done any thing like that before and thought it would be fun and a nice thing to do. Neither of us sew or quilt, but there is always a first time for everything.

Lack of sleep

It has now been a week with a total of 8 hours sleep for the the entire week. My doctor gave me ambien last night and I slept 4 of the 8 hours. I am so wide awake it is scary. I'm way past the "fun" stage. I guess they haven't quite got the meds right yet. At least I not depressed. :) "big happy face." The first few night I went out and did stuff,but I have been making my self stay in bed the last few days. Anyone have any sleep time suggestions?

Hospital

I just got out of the hospital after ten days. I had sever depression after a manic phase. They did some medication adjustment and I'm feeling better. The medicine is making a bit tired however. I'll try to get around to everyone blog and catch up on what has been happening soon. Missed everybody.

Frozen by Depression & Fear

Doing the simplest things are becoming almost impossible for me to do. I'm so depressed I get a panic attack just going into the next room. I'm having flashbacks really bad. I see my doctor and therapist both on Thursday. I put a call in to my doctor today because the attacks and flashbacks where so bad,but I did not get a call back. I hope tomorrow is better. I'm sorry I haven't been around to many blogs.

Looking For Information

I'm on permanent disability and my Medicare goes into effect December 1, 2008. I am on a lot of expensive medications. I in fact I will reach the " doughnut hole" the first month I am on Medicare. The major problem is my monthly medications cost more than my disability check. I am told I make to much money to get state assistance. Has anyone else ran into this type of problem or know of any type of programs to help?

Not Sleeping Again

Last night I didn't sleep at all. I hoping this isn't the beginning of another manic episode,because I crashed so hard after the last one. I did a rough sketch for my next painting. It's going to be a park scene. I now have to pick up a few more tubes of paint after I get paid. (lol) See I can't be manic right now I have no money and I given my credit card to my son to hold on to for a few days. I can't believe I am actually looking forward to therapy. My thoughts are jumping all over the place, so I'll write later when I'm less scattered.

New Therapist

I finally got in to see my new therapist today. I have already had to make a contract with her not to quit if things become uncomfortable, because she would back off and work on some thing else for a while. Just from the basic interview questions she said we had a "plate full" to work on. She had to work me in on a lunch hour next time to get me in as soon as she wanted to see me back, and that impressed me. I booked up with her ever two weeks through October now. I did tell her about the flash backs and the lost block of time and they were not related to drinking in any way. She seemed interested. Maybe this is going to work. I told her I really needed some extra support right now and she agreed. I am hopeful this is the right step. I am trying to work on my problems,so that can't be all bad.

Questions about Birthdays

Why are birthday so hard if you have been abused? My oldest child and I share the same birthday tomorrow and I can not get excited about it. I just get this sick feeling in my stomach a lot of bad memories. Having my child on my birthday was a wonderful memory. At the time I did not know I was married to a pedophile. It was much later that I found out I had married my worst nightmare.( He is now serving 50 years in prison and was my X at the time we found out.) I have hear others say that their birthdays are hard. Is it because we were not wanted? Is it remembering bad days on our birthdays? Is it just the lack of love we felt? Does anyone know what makes birthdays so bad?

My Sister

My sister isn't going to get to come and visit because she got some bad news on her medical report. My sister is 4 years younger than I am and has some serious health issues. She just found out she has 4th stage renal disease. She is getting set up with a specialist to see what type of treatment plan she will need to be on and the prognosis. She is so young to be so sick. My sister has always been my memory to my past. She lived with my Grandmother instead of my Mom and Step dad. All of us kids have some kind of problems from our past. It just seems unfair that health has to be another problem. Please pray that the renal disease is still treatable. This could be very very serious.