Monday, February 23, 2009


I feel myself pulling inside myself. Away from others. Afraid of being hurt. It's hard right now to do the simplest things to be around others. I want to. I need to, but I feel frozen. Lost. Even blogging is hard. Reaching out in any way. It began when they told me I needed to take a couple of weeks off of work because my bipolar disorder was affecting my work. The same day I found out that my primary care doctor was leaving. It is so hard for me to trust a doctor. I have real trust issues. There have been too many changes this last year. I guess change is suppose to be good, but I seem to struggle with it. I really don't even know how I feel. I'm just numb. I'm not sleeping. I hate being this way. My psychiatrist says I'm in a mixed episode right now. I just know I am miserable and irritable. My mind is racing,yet I'm depressed. I can't focus. It's got to get better. I'll just take it one day at a time.


Lily Strange said...

I have a lot of trust issues too. I don't trust medical people of any kind. I know where you're at and hope for some light to let in for you.

Stephany said...

I understand the not liking change. I have had to embrace it, though hating it. One thing you can count on in life is change...and once I saw it that way (as something that I could count on)it somehow made it it's OK.

One day at a time sounds easy, and we know it isn't, but it really is all we can do. Don't worry about tomorrow, just find something today to give you peace. A bud about to bloom, or take a walk, or listen to your favorite music and bake cookies...something to give yourself relief, and enjoy the moment.

One thing a friend's sister told me after my friend (of 43yrs)passed away suddenly was to "go outside, take a deep breath and say "I'm glad I am alive".

I made myself do that. I still do it, 2 years later. I start the day with that phrase, and somedays, honestly I was not happy.

I hope your mood evens out for you, and that you feel better soon.

jumpinginpuddles said...

change is confronting and learning more and more about who you are is the same be gentle with yourself and dont isolate yourself too much

wolf said...

it's hard I know!! your right to just take one day at a time I thinkt that is the most anyone can do. hugs

'Tart said...

I isolate too. It is scary to reach out sometimes but it is always nice when we feel the uplift from others from comments on the page. Thank you for the uplift that you bring me.