Saturday, June 27, 2009

When Will The Pain End

It is so hard to believe 12 years of sexual abuse from childhood still controls my life. The pain is so real today. I hurt to the point of being physically ill. Nothing has stopped the pain. I cut, it is only a short distraction. Are there people that can never heal? Never sleep without the nightmare? So much money must go to the healing process, that poverty is my way of life. I read on another blog that if mental ill people would just let Jesus in everything would be okay. I do believe in Jesus, but my pain is still REAL! I remember telling my doctor. I thought you could not have PTSD and be bi-polar. She smiled at me and told me she was the doctor and I am text book classic of both. My feeling are running so deep and the pain is so real, I just had to post.


Mike Golch said...

we all have to take it one day at a time.just know that you are not along.

Tracy said...

Awwww hugssss Wanda. I am so sorry that you are having to deal with the emotional pain that will not go away. I wish i had the answers to healing. Know though that you are in my thoughts.

Hugs and blessings my friend.

Ethereal Highway said...

"She smiled at me and told me she was the doctor and I am text book classic of both."

I once knew someone who was textbook classic of BP. She knew deep down that that wasn't her real problem, but she listened to the doctor anyway. Her kids miss her.

Doctors are not always right. The ones who seem most insistent on being right, are usually the most wrong. Why don't you ask her to order a lab test, brain scan, or ECG to determine if you really have it?

I'm glad to see you blogging. Good for you, Wanda. And I can certainly relate to the pain. I like what Lily said in the last post, too. Can you write a letter to the abuser? You don't have to send it, you know. You can even crumple it, stomp on it, or rip it up if you want. You can spit on it, or grind it into the dirt if you like.

You're a good soul, Wanda. You are well worth the effort.

Just Be Real said...

Dear one, I hear you. A lot of the time for me it has been very suddle, until recently.

((((safe hugs))))

Dreaming again said...

Sweety, not sure where you learned you couldn't have both, you certainly can.

They are two different mechanisms. One is biological, and really doesn't happen because of things that happen *to* you (although environment makes it worse) (Bi polar)
One is a direct result of something that happens TO you (PTSD)

There are people with Bipolar who have perfectly supportive families who have never experienced trauma (bar the trauma the bipolar caused) but there has never been a PTSD patient who did not experience Trauma.

Bipolar is a medical illness that takes place in the brain with behavioral manifestations.

AS far as both taking place together ... or not ...that'd be like saying you can't have MG and Lupus at the same time ..we both know that happens ...or more commonly .. a cold and the flu at the same time. Both have very similar symptoms ...but come from 2 different sources of virus. (although in all likliness, you'd only realize you had the flu, but you get my point, you COULD have the common cold in conjunction with the flu, one does not negate the other)

I love you girl. Miss you. Give me about 10 days for my moufie to heal and lets go grab a cuppa joe!

'Tart said...

Sweet Wanda, I'm thinking of you. I'm sorry for your pain. I'm glad you are blogging and sharing.

Lily Strange said...

The only thing that helped me with the anxiety I was dealing with for years was biofeedback. Medication didn't help me and therapy only helped just so far. Biofeedback helped me control it. I used to claw my arms, face and chest in my sleep. Biofeedback also helped me stop hyperventilating.
Trust me--I get nothing out of doing a sales pitch on biofeedback. I'm saying this because it's literally the only thing that short-circuited the anxiety AT LAST for me.
After I was sexually assaulted in 1997, I had panic attacks on and off for most of the day. No sooner would one end than another would begin. When they finally started slowing, it was time to go to bed and I dreaded sleeping because I knew I'd wake up to more of the same. I was not living.
Not that life is perfect now, and you never forget, but I believe that biofeedback could just be the way to help you bring this under control. It was the ONLY way for me.

Wanda's Wings said...

Lily, I'll suggest this at my next appointment! thanks