Monday, January 19, 2009
Since my bi-polar is more stable than it has been in two years, my doctor has requested my therapist work on my PTSD. She is concerned about how frequently I dissociate and/or back out. I have done this all my life, but I am really afraid of going back into my past history. Medical records,scars, and witness have told me things that I still find hard to believe. My own memories are there,but "not real". It's like I can sometime see and feel the pain, but it's not really me. I don't know how to explain what I mean. I can say I was sexual abused as a child, but it is words. I can say there was physical abuse, but again it is just words. The pains and the dreams I feel now are real,but not. I really feel it, but there is no one here. I am not even sure where here is when it happens. My mind can not comprehend that these things did happen. I hope my therapist is good.