I'm feeling exhausted these days. Too many things going on at one time. I think my mood is more stable than it was. I've been cleaning out closets and packing. It is totally amazing what you collect over ten years. I am throwing stuff out right and left. I figure if I haven't used it in two-three years that I don't really need it. I'm hurting like a BIG DOG right now from all the packing. We aren't moving until the first of October, but that is only 5 weeks. My last appointment with my doctor is on the seventh of this month.I am going to miss him something terrible! I so afraid I won't click with the new one which is set up for October. When I slow down I still feel sad, so I'm trying to keep busy and not think about everything.

Change

I'm fighting depression right now due to all the changes in my life. I am really scared about what is going to happen next and if I will be able to stay in touch with reality. I am really struggling with the desire to SI. I know there are people that care about me, but I am pulling into my shell more and more. I want to make sure I am doing the right thing. I can't believe how unsure of myself I am right now. What is wrong with me?

Honest

Right now I am struggling with my life in general. Too many losses in less than a year. I just found out my physician is leaving and I am going to have to find someone else to see. I'm not over losing my pastor yet! Now someone else that I trust is going to be unavailable to me. I'm also going to lose my house. Being on disability is not enough to make the payment. I keep trying to put on a happy face, but I'm not doing too good of job at it. I feel so abandoned. My faith is weak right now. I'm trying to be strong but I'm not quite making it. Maybe it just the time of year for things to be going wrong. I do know I am not alone, but it still feels that way.

It has been wild and crazy in my life. I'm not sure if I am coming or going. I have missed seeing and talking to every body on line. It been really hot here. Over 100 for the last few days. So "HI" and good wishes to everyone!

Normal?

I've been in a manic phase for about two week and am finally coming down. It was "Fun" for a while, but then things started getting bad. Being manic can be a real drag, when you bite every ones head off and do crazy stuff. I'm worried about becoming super depressed next, but my doctor is on top of my medications. It has finally stopped raining here. We have had so much rain my yard was semi flooded for a while. I'll try to get around to everyone blog soon.

Is there ever any stable days in being bi-polar??? Seems I am always either depressed or doing some crazy thing ( like spending money I don't have!) Then after I make some foolish mistakes, I can't get out of bed for days. The Geodon seems to help some, but I am so tired of this. I keep putting my foot in my mouth and say what ever pops into my head. Does anyone have any suggestions??

Tagged With A Story To Tell

This post might be triggering to some, but it is important to tell the story before we respond to the "tag".
We grew up in two separate households. Part of the time we lived with my very abusive Mom and Step dad, part of the time we were with my very religious Grandmother. The different in the houses were night and day, but both were very frighten for us. My oldest brother and younger sister always lived with my Grandmother,where as the youngest brothers always live with the parents.I was pasted back and forth. We feared hell and damnation for the smallest offense. My childhood with my parents was a nightmare of hell on earth. There was sexual,physical, mental,and spiritual abuse. At a very early age I became what was expected of me. Parts of me would rebel only to find totally painful abuse. The abuse was tolerated by separating myself from the pain. Parts of me could not believe that there was a god, however remembering the black figures and the pain made me know there was a devil. The abuse last from the age of 4-16 when thankfully my step dad died. Cold, wounded, and fragmented I could not wait to get out of the house. My ideas of God and Jesus were distorted to say the least. I wanted nothing to do with a "god" that could not protect children. Jesus did not give up on me. He was always there, but we could not see or believe in Him. I now have a Christian doctor and a Christian therapist. My former pastor showed love to a very cold and bitter person. We are healing now. It slow and sometimes painful, but it is happening.

Five things we dig about Jesus.

1. Jesus accepts you just the way you are.
2. You can tell Him your mad at Him, but He still loves you.
3. He understands all your moods and personalities and still loves every part of you.
4. When you are alone you can call His name and feel His presents and comfort.
5. He makes life worth living.

Must not be manic today!

Your Brain is Blue

Of all the brain types, yours is the most mellow. You tend to be in a meditative state most of the time. You don't try to think away your troubles. Your thoughts are realistic, fresh, and honest. You truly see things as how they are. You tend to spend a lot of time thinking about your friends, your surroundings, and your life.

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/whatcolorisyourbrainquiz/">What Color Is Your Brain?

Broken No More

I was just a little girl of four,

When my daddy started coming to my door

He said his touch was a special treat,

For his girl innocent and sweet.

I learned to cry myself to sleep.

The pain I felt was far to deep.

The room felt oh so dark and cold.

Oh the damage to my soul.

I learned the rules and played the game.

My life would never be the same.

The hate I felt, I turned within.

This was all because of sin.

The walls I built turned my heart to stone.

No one could see I was all alone.

I never learned to laugh and play.

I only learned to run away.

Jesus looked down and saw my pain.

He wants to rid me of my shame.

He saw the beauty hidden within.

Jesus is putting me back together again.

Wanda Arthington

I wrote this poem about one year ago and it seems like I'm healing more as time passes. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be a whole and happy person, but I believe it is becoming more of a reality each day. I watched my friends grow and heal and realize it takes time. It is great to know that I'm not a victim anymore and maybe I'm helping someone else too. Together we can make a difference.

Health

Well today I exercised a hour. That is the longest amount of time I've done at one time. (at least recently).I am going to try to do that at least 3 times per week. I know why the first 3 letters in diet are DIE. Fifteen pounds down and way too many more to go. Well at least it's going down for a change! I hoping this will help me feel better, but it is so slow and painful. (lol) My question is how come it take no time to put on 10 lbs, but it takes forever to lose 10 lbs? That just doesn't seem right to me. I want to thank everyone for their input and comments on my blog. I'm feeling a bit better. At least I am a bit more hopeful. May always is a tough month for me. I only need to make it through Father's Day and I will have time for some good days. I see my "T" the day after Father's Day so that gives me a safety net. You can do anything for one day! That's the only way for me some times. One day at a time. Again thanks everyone for being so supportive the last few weeks! Hugs to you all!

Why

I've seen so much happen to good people that I wonder why God allows it. I wonder why my faith seems so weak while other seem to have an unshakable faith. Why can't I feel safe? I believe God cares, yet I can't relax in His arms. I also find it hard to get close to people. Everything is so "surface". I am tired of being so sad. Right now it seems I have two moods: sad or angry. I don't like being angry. I fear anger. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I fear losing control, yet I have no control right now. I don't trust myself. I know I am not alone, yet I feel so isolated. I'm afraid to let anyone get too close. I'm worried about everything. I can't relax. I'm making mistake, having lapses in time. I'm no fun to be with. Where has jolly Wanda went? Do others ever feel like this? I want to help others, but I can not seem to help myself.

A Little Better

Well at least I've been able to get out of bed. I'm so tired of being depressed and anxious. I'm afraid to admit to my doc and T how depressed I really am, because I don't want back in the hospital. I was able to make it to work today, but it took everything I had to do it. I won't be alone this weekend, but I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I'm not sure I can handle the stress of trying to be around a draining person. Maybe there is some light at the end of the tunnel. I just have to remember these feeling will go away. Even my faith is shaky now. I just feel the need for someone to take care of me. Isn't that the stupidest thought you have ever heard. A grown woman wanting someone to just take care of things for a little bit. I guess I'm improving because I'm crying now. I want to thank my friends for their support. I haven't felt like going to other blogs and I'm sorry. I'm better than yesterday, so maybe tomorrow will be better. I'm sorry I'm so sad right now. Thanks for understanding.

Mother's Day

As I pulled in my garage I thought of closing the door and letting the car run until I feel into a deep sleep. Why? Thinking about Mother's Day. Everyone having happy thoughts about love and kindness. Mother's Day brings other memories to our mind. Sadness, Betrayal, and Pain. I know it just a day, but I hate it. My own failures are in my face. Love? Yes for my children it is unconditional. Are we so damaged that we harm those we love most. Mother WHY??? Was I not good enough? Was I too ugly? Why did you have us? "A wasted F...K" you said. Will those words ever go away? How could you have given us like an offering to unspeakable abuse. Yes our dad. The only day we hate more than Mother's Day is Father's Day. Strong enough to make it one more time. Must try. Must try. OH God why are some chidren born for abuse? WHY?? Where is the justice? Must be strong to prevent hurt to my children. So much pain! So much pain! IT's just a day to remember.

Rain

It has been raining almost constantly for the last 2 weeks. I'm feeling a little sunshine deprived. You would think being stuck inside would inspire a cleaning spree, but it hasn't. I have been kind of down in the dumps, so I haven't been keeping up with my blogging. I'm starting to pull out of the depression a little bit and am getting a few more things done. It seems when I am depressed I just can't do anything. I've been trying to loose some weight, but it is so difficult. I have been doing some exercise, which should help the mood and weight lost.

Broken Inside

It's raining and cold and my mood seems to match the dark skies. I just decided to write what we are feeling as if no one will read this. There is a deep loneliness that nothing can fill. Yet I isolate from those I call friends. I'm not to sure why anyone would want to be my friend. I feel I have so little to offer. I hurt when others around me hurt and can feel their pain, but seem to have little to give others. So many voices inside of me tell me it not worth it. So much sadness that I can find a way out. There has to be a path that will bring me out of this. There must be an answer somewhere. If I knew what was causing the problem I would work on it. Broken inside is the best way to describe the feelings. Dark,cold, and alone. It's hard to get out of bed. It's hard to pick up the phone. It's hard to even move.

Happy Easter

April: Sexual Assault Awareness Month

One in every six women and one in every 33 men will be victims of an sexual assault. The numbers are overwhelming. The devastation of the assaults is even more overwhelming. Many of the victims are under the age of 18 years old. The damage can last a life time. Victims of early abuse are often repeatedly victimized in later years. Some victimize others later in life. There is a definite cycle of abuse related to early sexual assault. We believe getting the word out can help. Telling our personal stories and how this has affect our lives is important. We believe that healing is possible with a lot of work.Treatment must be available. Laws need to be enforced. Victims need to be able to speak out without fear of being re victimized by the system. Knowledge is a powerful tool and our friend.

Taking Care of Yourself

I saw my psychiatrist today and he told me I needed to start taking better care of myself and not trying to fix every one's problems. He said I operate too much in a guilt mode and over things that I had no control over to begin with. I know he is right and I'm over responsible and try to be everything for everybody, but it's hard to change. I think he is right if I don't stop I am really going to crash and burn. If I can just make it through this week I can slow down a little. I have to take my friend to two doctors this week. I have already had to go to DHS to turn in some paper work for my son. My poor house needs a good cleaning, but there are only so many hours in a day. Maybe next week will be better.

Exhausted

Sorry I have dropped off the face of the earth. Right after I was discharged from the hospital a good friend of mine was in a bad auto accident. I have been staying with her, helping her around the house, shopping, and taking her to appointments etc. Needless to say I'm exhausted. I got a chances to go home for a couple of days to catch up on my "Stuff". Keeping busy has kept my mind off all the things going on in my life right now. I'll try to make it around to everybody site to catch up before I go back to her house. She doesn't like computers and doesn't have one. I can't image no computer! Thanks everyone for checking up on me. I'm still hanging in there!

Trigger warning The Molested Child

This subject is weighing heavy on my mind. I will mostly likely ramble and not make a lot of sense. I was molested from the age of 4-16 by my step dad. No help was ever there and the impact on my life has been devastating. I learned no boundaries and I married a man that had been molested as a child. I suffered from PTSD and had totally blocked out that these things had happened. Not remembering caused me to not see red flags in my own marriage. I was a workaholic. I worked 60-80 hours per week, leaving my children with a man that had been molested himself as a child. My X was also physically and verbally abusive to me and the children. Since this type of abuse also happen when I was growing up it seemed normal. I did not recognize the dangers in my own home. I know adult make a choice to abuse children and I thank God I never hurt my children in this way. I regret to say it was happening in my own home. I did divorce the man before I knew what he was doing, but the damage was done. Today both of my children suffer from mental disorders . They too can not remember what has happened, but my X admits he was "inappropriate" with them. He has also confessed in court to the molestation of his daughter from his second marriage. I found out today he will be spending time in prison for this act. I see only pain and hopelessness. I feel if I had been aware so much would be different. The pain must end some how some way! The abuse must stop!

Struggling

Right now I am struggling with my PTSD. I'm having a lot of flash backs and having trouble coping on a daily bases. I'm fighting with the desire to SI and can not seem to get my act together. The memories are so strong right now. I am having physcial symtoms of the abuse. Sleep is no relieve of the pain. I'm not sure why I am struggling so much right now. I'm almost afaird to leave the house because of the flash backs. Maybe this is because I'm trying to deal with some of the issues of the abuse. It maybe because of physcial fatique. This happend so long ago it is hard to belive how much it is impacting me right now. Every thing seems to be triggering the emotions and flash backs, I see my doctor tommorrow and I'm wondering if things are so out of control I should be admitted. I can't seem to talk with my friends and support system right now. I'm messing up on simple tasks and am afaird to trust myself.

It seems that some days you just can't do anything right. I knocked my side view mirror off the car. I hurt my foot. Seems like I should have just stayed in bed! I know, whine, whine, whine! It just seems recently I have been having a run of bad luck. Nothing major, just those annoying little things that can get under your skin. You know the kind of junk I mean. The drive up can not get the order right. You drop you money on the ground. You hit your head on the car door picking up the money. I guess I had just better laugh it all off. Well here is looking to a better tomorrow!

Met New Therpist

I met with my new therapist today. I talked my fool head off. We talked about the flashbacks and how to focus on some object in the present. We also talked about how I had blocked out my past and how it seems to be a method for coping with things that is now second nature to me. He stated I have learned from a very young age how "not to be present" or "leave at will". I think I'm going to be able to open up to this one, at least I did today. I see him again in three weeks. I see my doctor in two weeks. He really wanted to see me more often, but I have to space things out due to money. It started off OK, so I am hoping for the best.

Today is the superbowl and I am going to a party. I must say football is not my favorite sport, but I am looking forward to the fellowship. My good friend is having the party at her house, but I am a bit concerned about her. She really fighting some difficult memories and other issue now, so I am hoping the party will bring her some peace and support. Food and laughter is goood for the soul. I have got my dish in the oven so I can't spend too much time on the computer or I'll be taking a burnt offering inside of desert. I hope everyone is enjoying today. Deeper thoughts next time!

You are who you are. People either accept and love you or they can turn away. So much has been happening and so many changes. Things that you don't think will effect you do. Sometimes it take someone else to look at what is going on to make sense of it. Being honest and open can be hard when you are used to protecting your inner most beings. Blogging is safe and make it easier to open up. You find people that are like yourself, that don't judge. Many times we feel so alone, but it is good to be able to find those that don't judge you. You can open up and be yourself without fear. Your friends help define who you are. I have not been bloggin a year yet, but I have meet so many wonderful freinds. They can be honest and yet kind. I guess we are all growing and changing each day. Some days are good and other days are not as good. It is just the way life is. I know I am rambling, but that's OK too. Hugs to everyone! We all can use a safe hug.

New Therapist

I'm going to see a new therapist next week and I am very anxious. I'm hoping this will help me get my feet planted on the ground. My doctor really wants to step up the treatment plan. He even was talking about in patient treatment, which I really want to avoid. PK has been helping me stay focused and I am really thankful for her help. I guess sometimes you have to lean on someone else when you can't do it alone. I miss my pastor so much. We still don't have anyone in mind to take his place. In my mind no one will ever be able to replace him. The picture show how I feel right now. I know everything is going to work out. I'm just exhausted from trying to figure things out. I am so thankful for all my blogger friends that have helped me the past few weeks. I am not sure what I would have done without the support.

Dry ground

The snow is starting to melt, thank goodness. I was beginning to get cabin fever. I need to restock the food supply. The last time I went to the store they were running out of milk and other things. I want to thank everyone that added input to my last post. It has been helpful looking for my next steps. You have also made me feel a bit more hopeful. It is a real good feeling that you can post how you feel without worry about losing your friends.

Seems like being snow in gives me too much time to think. I am interested in knowing what others think about PTSD. I have been given so many different diagnosis, but this is one that has been there since I was a teenager. I am also told I'm bi-polar and that was first diagnosis when I was in my early twenties. One thearpist told me she believed I had MPD due to the violence in my childhood. I have tried to just cope, but it seems the more pressure I'm under the more problems I have. I currently am not seeing a thearpist just my doctor. I have never found a thearpist that I can open up to. I think my doctor is great, but he is currently treating me for PTSD and bi-polar disorder. I've been under a lot of stress and that seem to be causing me to have more lost pieces of time, that I can not remember what I have done. The stress also seems to becausing me to have more nightmares and "flash backs". Is this command with the PTSD? I have never stayed with a thearpist very long, because it seemed the past was just too painful to deal with. I keep thinking that by this time in my life the childhood abuse issues should be over, but it never seem to go away. I don't know why I find it so hard to talk with anyone about the past, but its like if I don't deal with it then it didn't happen. Is it possible to get over PTSD without dealing with what happened? How long can what happened in childhood effect ones daily life? Maybe now would be the best time to try to deal with this since I'm on disability. I just don't know how to find someone that you can be comfortable talking to. My pastor was the best person I ever talked with now he is gone. Maybe that why I 'm having more problems again. I can not stop thinking about harming myself. I know that is wrong, but the feeling are so strong. I keep hiding from my friends and I am isolating more and more. I know I am rambling on and on, but I need to get out these feelings. Has anyone else been there and what did you do to get better. I'm feeling hopeless right now.

Ice

I am ready for a little warm weather. Today is the 3rd day we have been covered in ice. It did stop with the freezing rain, but there is still a danger of more power outages due to the winds. It is so cold and I hate being "trapped" in the house this long. Seems we are out to set records this year. We have already had a big snow and now we have this ice storm to add to the books. Today the sun is shinning, but it's in the twenties. At least we have love to keep us warm.

Looking for Information

I was wanting some input on bi-polar depression. I'm bi-polar and it seems every time the mania is controled the depression takes over. I'm on Geodon and Paxil ( just started this one). I think my doctor is excellant, but I am having a hard time getting out of the depression. Has anyone tried light thearpy with bi-polar depression and did it work? We have tried so many antidepressant with little improvement. I so tired of being depressed, so I am looking for suggestions from anyone that might have some ideas.

I got Tagged

Let see 5 things you don't know about me. Thanks PK.

1. I'm very shy and have trouble meeting people most of the time.
2. I've always wanted to be an ice skater. (I have a hard time walking across the floor with out tripping. lol)
3. I love to buy things for other people.
4. My curiosity tends to get me in trouble.
5. I think pets are easier to understand than people.

Now my favorite Musicals

1. Annie Get Your Gun
2. Oklahoma
3. Four Tickets to Christmas
4. Wizzard of OZ
5. Sound of Music

Now it my turn to tag people!

1. Wolf
2. Mysti
3. JIP
4. Jade
5. Raine
6. Cheesemeister
7. Fallen Angel

Reflections and Resolutions

It is the time of the year to look back and remember. It is time to set goal for next year. I can call 2006 a good year because I learned so much. This was a year that was full of rough spots, but I learned so much this year. I have learned how much we need others. I have always been one to do everything myself. This year I have started trusting others more. I have started to reach out more to others and it has added so much more enjoyment to my life. It has been an emotional year, but again I feel there has been healing in this area of my life too. My faith is stronger. I discovered a world of new friends by blogging. I learned to slow down and enjoy a cup of coffee with a friend. Next year I really want to continue the emotional healing and work on becoming more phycially healthy. I want to paint more and write more. I want to become closer to my friends. I want to be a better friend to those that mean so much to me.

A New Year

A new year is about to begin. I'm looking forward to letting 2006 go. It has been a rough year, but I have made many new friends, which made the year a good one. I have learned how much we need people and the importance of friendships. A new year always bring with it a time to make improvements. I think my biggest goal for next year will be to try to improve my health. I want to continue to make my friendships stronger and increase my faith. I wish all my blogger friends a very Happy New Year.

People That Know

It's nice to know that there are friends that know you and accept you just the way you are. You can be comfortable to say what you need to say. You can say nothing, yet still feel loved and accepted. You don't have to wear a mask to hide the "real'' you. I am thankful for these friends that accept me with all my faults. I can be myself without fear of being judged. I'm so glad I have these friends. You are more than just a mental illness. You are you and that is OK. What could be better. These friends help you grow. They love you for who you are. Nothing is better. Hugs to those that can accept without judgement. Thank you for being there!

Christmas

Christmas is coming just around the corner. We have been keeping busy and just wanted to tale a few minutes to be thankful for all the good things we have. Friends and family bring joy to the days. The meaning of Christmas and the wonderful gift of Jesus. Christmas may not bring joy to everyone and to those we wish a special peace . A time to make new memories. A time to be thankful for all our friends. Christmas is more than gifts. Christmas is a time to share our love.

Losing Control

Seems like everyday there are more unpleasant changes happening. I'm feeling a little shakey right now. Two dear friends are moving and that is very stressful. Today I found out that another link of my support system is being removed. My church has always been a strong support for me. At the end of the month we will have lost 3 out of the 4 ministry staff from the church. Each of these people have helped me so much through rough times. I find myself holding on tightly to my faith. I still have friends at my church to hold on to, but the loss seems so great. Right now PK is "holding my hand" to help me adjust to all of the changes. I have thought about trying to run away from all the stress, but know that is not the answer. Things are tense in my family right now too. I need to make some decisons, but do not feel I am thinking clearly enough to do so. A year ago I never dreamed I would be where I am today! Support system shaken, health failing, and financial stress, all seems more than I can deal with. Old coping skills seem to be pushing into my mind. Bad memories and "black outs" are happening more frequently. I feel like I am spinning out of control. I'm sorry this is such a depressing post, but I need to find a way to get some of this "stuff" out. I am open for any and all suggestions!

Snow

Our frist winter storm has come in over the last two days.My joints are hurting and I'm getting a little cabin fever. My driveway is the biggest problem since it is on a fairly step hill. We are hoping it will be better by Sunday. It is beautiful, but does limit what we can do. It's a good time for hot chocolate and soup. All the children are out of school and I have been watching the neigborhood children playing in the snow. It's a good day to put up the indoor Christmas decorations. Only 24 more days until Christmas. I think I will work on my Christmas cards today.

Too Much

I'm trying so hard to hold everything together right now, but I feel like I about to come apart. So much has happened in the last few months and I am exhausted from trying to keep up. My health has been poor, I have no job, applying for disability has been stressful, and I feel my support system is falling apart.
This morning I been on the phone all day trying to get my cobra insurance plan straighten out and still by the end of the day nothing. I been working on this now over a week and now I'm totally out of my medicine. Seems nobody can figure out why I can't get my perscriptions filled. They charge me a month worth of insurance for one day. This shouldn't be so hard!
Please don't get me wrong some things have been going well. It is just that right now I can not seem to handle all of this stress. I'm crying all the time and am totally exhausted. I'm not thinking clearly and it seems that is my biggest problem.

Change

Seems in life we can not stop change. A very good friend is moving. I know that we will keep in touch by e-mail, letters, and phone, but it will not be the same. My heart hurts. Not being able to see and hug this person will cause a void. I'm happy for the fact it is a good move for them, but am sadden by the lost of being able to see them in person. I guess I'm being selfish, but I really hate to see them move. Change is just hard to deal with.

Turkey is in the Oven

The turkey is in the oven and the smell of food fills the house. Waiting on family to arrive for a time of fellowship and thanksgiving. It is a wonderful thing to know you are blessed. It wonderful to think of all your friends and family. I hope all of my friends are having a great day.

Thankful

Thanksgiving is only a week away and I've been so depressed recenlty I thought I would list some things I'm thankful for. I know I will only touch a few things, but it is always good to look at all of our blessings.

1. My Children
2. My Friends-3D and cyber
3. My Family
4. My Pastor
5. My Church
6. Good Doctors
7. My House
8. Plenty to Eat
9. Reliable Transportation
10. And Many Many More

Medication Cost

The cost of medication is just simply outrageous! I checked the cost on my bi-polar medication and it was $ 347.17 for a one month supply. That is only one of the 12 medications I have to take. Medication is only one part of the cost of health care. A person with any chronic illness needs to be flat broke for any type of assistant. It seems to me that we condemn anyone with a chronic illness to poverty. Having both an autoimmue illness and mental illness is a one way ticket to poverty. I guess I have ranted enough for one day. I'm just frustrated!

Paintings

This picture represent the innocents of childhood. How pure and sweet children are.

Lighthouse represents peace in a time of storms. I feel my life is a storm right now and my lighthouse is my faith in God.

I just recently started painting and I was wanting some input and suggestions.

Cyber Friends

Since I've been blogging I have made many "cyber friends". I have found I can be honest and not have to put up a front. I can say what I feel. I can let out the pains and hurts. I don't feel judged. I believe there are people that care about me and what is going on in my life. I feel there are people that pray for me. I know I have met people that I deeply care about what happens to them. I met more people that have had some of the same things happen to them. There is no judgement if I'm having a bad day. I am so thankful for my new friendships.

Triggers

I don't understand why everything seems to be triggering my past and the abuse right now. Everytime I turn around something is setting me into a tailspin and I'm reliving my past. I feel very emotional right now. I feel panic and have a hard time grounding myself. It's not just the normal triggers, but it seems like little things are throwing me into an emotional fit. Seeing any father with a small child gives me cold chills. I am crying at the simplest thing. I seem to be disassociating more often. I'm finding I want to withdraw and avoid people.I'm isolating myself more and more. I'm trying to make myself keep in contact with others, but it is so hard. I know there are people that care about me, but I can not seem to reach out to them for help. I don't even know why I'm feeling this way, but I can not shake it. I can not even talk to the new therapist about what is going on. I almost feel like I'm losing my mind. If anyone has any suggestions, please give them to me. I feel so out of control.

Friends

I'm not sure where I would be without my friends. This has been a rough year. Failing heath, finical problems, and family stressors. Most of my life I've been a "loner". I was too afaird to open myself up to friendships. I was afaird of being hurt or used. The last couple of years I have developed some deep friendships. I don't know what I would have done without their support over the past few months. My entire life has changed and I am so thankful for the support of my friends. Making friends was hard for me. My past had taught me not to trust anyone. I built a protective wall around myself and nobody was allowed close to me. I now so enjoy being with my friends. We help and comfort each other in times of need. We laugh and play together. We cry and hug each other when "things" aren't going well. We talk on the phone until the batteries go dead. We enjoy life together. Nothing can compare to friendship.

New Therapist

Tomorrow I will be seeing a new therapist. I'm hoping this is going to help. I've been so depressed for the past several weeks it has been hard to do anything. Even blogging has been difficult. I think I just going to "unload" on this therapist and let the chips fall where they may. I'm hoping that they will be able to decide what is going on. Why I have the "black outs" and why I'm so very depressed. I'v always had trouble opening up with new therapist, but I'm so desperate right now this may be the best answer. This thearapist works in the same group as my doctor so they can share notes and hopefully find out what wrong with me.

Winter Is Around The Corner

The sky is gray and gloomy. The chill is in the air and the cold damp wind is blowing. Rain beats down on everything in sight. Chilled to the bone as the wet cold rain hits your face. The leaves drop off the trees under the beating rain. All of this reminds me that winter is around the corner. The short brisk days with the long cold nights. Now is the time for hot chocolate and cider. A warm blanket and a good book to shorten the long cold nights. A fire in the fireplace glow with a inviting embrace. Yes, summer is now long gone. Now is the time to think and reflect on all that has happened. A time to remember.

Remember

As the cool air and fall comes, I remember the fun we used to have. Playing in the leaves and throwing them in the air. Carving of punkins and eating popcorn. Halloween was so much fun then. We would dress up and walk all over the neighborhood. There was no fear, just lots of candy, apples, and fun. Today so much more care is needed for the little ones. They are not as safe as we were. It seems such a shame that world is not as safe as it was. I will be helping at our church's fall festival where the little one can come dressed up for a safe evening of fun, but it still seems that they are missing the fun we had as children so long ago.

More Meds

I'm still depressed so my doctor is uping my antidepresant. I guess I was on a lower dose of the Lexapro than he thought. He thinks I need to get out more and sleep less. Easier said than done. When your broke, it just easier to stay home. He wanted me to see a new thearpist also. I'm going to be seeing this one in a couple of weeks. With this thearpist my doctor would have more acess to what is going on since they are in the same group. I'm really hoping this will help because I feel no energy right now. It also seems now that I have more time that I'm remembering more of my past. Maybe now is just the right time to get better.

Safe In the Storm

Winds of uncertainty, waves of despair
Beat aganist my soul in the night
Tempest rage in my mind
As I desperatly seek for a glimmer of light

Nothing feel safe, and I'm chilled to the bone
The wave of despair crash against my soul
Yet in the storm I see Jesus' face
His hand reached out for me to take hold

I think I going to go under the waves.
But He tells me I am never alone
I'm safe in His arms as the storm rages on
Jesus promises to take me safely home

There is no need to fear the storms of life
No need to worry or tremble in fear
I find safety in His gentle arms
No matter what happens Jesus is near

Child Inside

I don't know why, but the child inside me seems to need something right now. My painting are of this child, that seems alone and hurt. I don't remember much of my childhood. It was deleted as a bad file. Why now would I find this child wanting to be comforted? The abuse is over. It is ancient history. Nothing can change the past. So why now do I feel this child is crying out? I feel the pain and hurt. I can not change what has happen. I can not make it go away. It was long ago blocked out of my mind, but now is pushing to get out. To be made know. Will feeling this again cause healing? She was young and helpless. We are not now. Why is the pain and hurt still so great? How can I help? Does the pain end for the child? Can I help this young small little one?

Something is Not Right

My friends are commenting on how I'm "just not acting like myself". They say that "something is wrong with me." I know I've been a little depressed and am trying to do all the right things, but apparently it's not working. I feel so tired, but some how unsettled at the same time. There is not much I want to do. I don't know if it's my medication or the situation I'm in. People that don't even know me real well are asking "What's a matter with her?" I don't feel much right now. Not happy, not sad. I just feel "not connected." I'm trying not to stress over not knowing what is going to happen. Maybe I'm just not connected to life right now. I thought I was to hyper and couldn't settle down, but everyone is saying I'm "Just not here." I must say I sick of all the medications that they have tired for the bi-polar disorder. I don't even know what I'm doing that has others concerned. Maybe I'm isolating a little, but I didn't think it was that bad. How can people be worried about me and I not know what is wrong?

Slowing Down

I never knew slowing down was going to be so hard for me. My health has demanded that I slow down. I am currently not working and the change of speed is a much harder adjustment than I expected. I have time to paint and work on my art work now. I can get my spring cleaning done. (Yes, I am a bit late on that! lol) I have more time to read, but it seems slowing down is hard for someone as hyper as myself. My friend tells me I will get used to moving at a slower pace. I'm going to see if there are things I can help do at the church, which is something I have always wanted to do. I feel peaceful inside, which is amazing since the disability hasn't come through yet. I have a sense that I'm in the right place doing the right thing for me now. It is just so different! I have time to reflect on what is important in my life: God, friends, and family. Yes the change of pace is different, but is much welcome and needed.

Last Day

Today was my last day at work. After 18 years it seems hard to believe. I cried some, but held up pretty well. I will miss my friends, but plan on keeping in touch. Several things were not handle well at the end, so there is some hurt there. Eighteen years is such a big piece of ones life, so there is alot of emotion involved. I know in my heart this was the right thing to do. My health was getting so bad and the pain was too much on a daily bases. I feel I am doing what God wants me to do and that new things will open up for me. Tonight is my good bye party and I'm sure I will be emotional. There are so many feelings. So much time and energy has gone into the last eighteen years. I'm looking forward to a new journey as my life is changing. Today is a begining to a new path in my life and I'm looking forward to what God has in store for me.

Where is Middle Ground?

Ok, so where is the middle ground? The depression is much better now and I'm wired for sound. Gee, what's wrong with me? I'm either so low you can't pick me up or I'm high as a kite. Well this is better anyway. Funny my body just won't catch up with my emotions. I do believe if the body would cooperate, right now I could do anything. I finished most of that goverment paper work, until they decide they need more. It's really weird, but I can't get Christmas off my mind. I'm looking around thinking about how I'm going to decorate for Christmas. Maybe that is the stores' fault. They already have the Christmas stuff out and it is not even Halloween yet! Well as you can tell my mind is jumping from one thing to another right now. It's a good thing I'm broke or I would be wanting to buy everything in sight. Oh well at least, I'm smiling. Even if my son calls me "EMO" I feel pretty good today!