Thursday, January 18, 2007


Seems like being snow in gives me too much time to think. I am interested in knowing what others think about PTSD. I have been given so many different diagnosis, but this is one that has been there since I was a teenager. I am also told I'm bi-polar and that was first diagnosis when I was in my early twenties. One thearpist told me she believed I had MPD due to the violence in my childhood. I have tried to just cope, but it seems the more pressure I'm under the more problems I have. I currently am not seeing a thearpist just my doctor. I have never found a thearpist that I can open up to. I think my doctor is great, but he is currently treating me for PTSD and bi-polar disorder. I've been under a lot of stress and that seem to be causing me to have more lost pieces of time, that I can not remember what I have done. The stress also seems to becausing me to have more nightmares and "flash backs". Is this command with the PTSD? I have never stayed with a thearpist very long, because it seemed the past was just too painful to deal with. I keep thinking that by this time in my life the childhood abuse issues should be over, but it never seem to go away. I don't know why I find it so hard to talk with anyone about the past, but its like if I don't deal with it then it didn't happen. Is it possible to get over PTSD without dealing with what happened? How long can what happened in childhood effect ones daily life? Maybe now would be the best time to try to deal with this since I'm on disability. I just don't know how to find someone that you can be comfortable talking to. My pastor was the best person I ever talked with now he is gone. Maybe that why I 'm having more problems again. I can not stop thinking about harming myself. I know that is wrong, but the feeling are so strong. I keep hiding from my friends and I am isolating more and more. I know I am rambling on and on, but I need to get out these feelings. Has anyone else been there and what did you do to get better. I'm feeling hopeless right now.

11 comments:

jumpinginpuddles said...

oh wanda how many times have we thought ok this year we wont need to see our T as much if we dont talk about anything then anytjust goes away.
It simply doesnt the flashbacks are still there our diagnosis is still there ones inside are still there and life is still there, yes we wish we had a magic wand and erased how we were brought up and instead had a fairytale magical home filled with everything we needed but the truth is we didnt and that is what we need to work through.
Its a struggle but as each year as gone by we struggle less and learn a lot more if that helps and thats because we keep working through it to give ourself and our family a better future.

Raine said...

you lost time doesnt really go with bi-polar...........maybe you ought seriously consider seeing a therapist. The only way to get to trust one is to start seeing one and establish that relationship. No one goes in the door saying " oh joy - i trust you and Im gonna bare my soul" You walk in and you talk a little, you see they dont bite, you decide you can talk to this person a little more and you come again or you decide no way you can and you go find another one. The point is - you arent gonna find that helpful therapist til you get out there and talk to one or two..........

Wanda's Wings said...

JIP
I'm so afaird to work on this. I see how brave you are and how you accept all that live inside of you. It helps to hear how things get better. I have given up when it starts to hurt so maybe I just need to toughen up. Thank you.

Raine,
My moods swing really bad, then I do and say crazy things. The Geodon seems to help, but the black out seem to relate to my PTSD. I guess I need to stop running from this and get some real help. Thanks for your input.

Jade said...

Wanda,
First let me say that I'm sorry to hear that you're having such a rough time. I am not a psychologist but I can say that from my education and as a survivor of childhood abuse that if you do not get emotional closure from the situations that haunt you...it can be rough to find peace in day to day life. Even decaids after. I personally think the PTSD dx is right on. ( keep in mind I am not a PHD)
I think maybe giving counseling another go would be a positive investment of your time. Counselors are like a good bra Wanda, sometimes it takes you going though 5 different ones before you find one that fits just right ;-)
Stay strong and keep sharing girl. You'll get through this.

Cheesemeister said...

I had a therapist (the one who finally diagnosed me with bipolar II rather than depression/anxiety) who thought that I had DID too because I once referred to myself as "we" in a session. I don't have DID but have always seen where it could have happened. It's just that I have a very multifaceted personality and sometimes it seems that the parts are talking (usually arguing vehemently) with each other.
The only time I ever "lost time" it was more like a fugue state. I was so upset about the way things were going that I drove about 50 miles and can't for the life of me remember getting there. This sometimes happens when people are really upset. Loss of time doesn't necessarily indicate DID but can indicate extreme psychological distress.

Dreaming again said...

Hey there ... yea, I'd say you're hiding from your friends! :(

PTSD is a bear isn't it.

It's causing me all kinds of issues. Nightmares, panic attacks ... fear ... all sorts of weird stuff going on in this brain of mine ...all when I should be enjoying life the most.

Talk with Dr. M about it, email him. He's got to know you have access to his email between C and I.

Hey, it's hard without RS ... I know, it's really hit me in the last week, he's not here. But, your friendship is still there, and he still loves you, so does Carla. Email him, even if he doesn't answer, email him.

Email me ... IM me ...call me ...stop isolating.

Fallen Angels said...

I'm really glad you mentioned the previous dx of MPD here...I can talk a little more freely now. :) When you talked to me about it before, there was more than the violence in your childhood that made your old T say MPD/DID. That's important to remember.

The lost time *could* be due to the PTSD...but it is more likely due to DID. If you look up "complex PTSD", guess what you find? DID. Not all people with PTSD have DID, but all people with DID have PTSD. (That could get some arguements from the "natural DID" people, but I firmly believe that).

As for the T issue...you don't have to dig up old, painful memories in T. In fact, most T's will tell you that is potentially retraumatizing. The way it works for us is...mostly we work on cognitive distortions, issues with family, daily living issues etc. If a memory comes up ON IT'S OWN, then we deal with it. It is true that a lot of memories do come up on their own though...for us.

Remember you can email me anytime, and I am on messenger more than it looks like...try buzzing me. ;)
Isolating is not the best way to deal...it's hard not to do that, we do it too. But try really hard not to. People are here if you just let them know that youa re too.

Warrier

MYSTI said...

I am keeping you in my prayers. I know how hard it is to find a good counselor (T), but truthfully that was the only thing that helped me get over Ptsd. It was not an easy road to go down with my T, but it was the only thing that helped me. I will be praying that you are guided down the right path. Hugs

keepers said...

We agree that the lost time, flashbacks, all point towards DID. We agree isolation is not good but is is not easy to not do either. Visit other sites about DID, read articles, visit Many Voices a newsletter all about DID. We have some articles from MV on our site also. We also have links to other sites MPD/DID related. We made most of our progress after getting out of a bad therapist relationship but we also agree a good therapist can help wonders, look around, see what and who is available to you, your Dr may be able to help.

Keep in contact with your online friends and we also agree that digging up old memories is more harmful than good.

Take care of yourself and we will keep you in our thoughts

wolfbaby said...

Hmm well Im not an expert on non of that. I do the isolation thing to. I go through spits and spurts of that. ya know the doc just dx me with the ptsd thingy ma gigy... don't like it none but hey whats a girl to do. It's hard to get out of that phasse that if you talk or are around something your gonna do or say something that is wrong. Or your gonna get yourself in trouble or someone gonna say something or something bad gonna happen. But start slow. One person one moment. Not always going to be bad ya know? As for the T thingy I got lucky, i have a really good doc who knows me really well and was able to recomend me to some good lady. Talk to your friends and see who they are comfy with and see if you think what they say might be comfy for you. My T said I don't gotta remember or to talk about the past. She said she help me talk about how to feel good about the now. I hope you get to feelin better.

hugs

Cheesemeister said...

There's a lot of snow where I am too. I'm sick of it!