Sunday, February 18, 2007

Struggling


Right now I am struggling with my PTSD. I'm having a lot of flash backs and having trouble coping on a daily bases. I'm fighting with the desire to SI and can not seem to get my act together. The memories are so strong right now. I am having physcial symtoms of the abuse. Sleep is no relieve of the pain. I'm not sure why I am struggling so much right now. I'm almost afaird to leave the house because of the flash backs. Maybe this is because I'm trying to deal with some of the issues of the abuse. It maybe because of physcial fatique. This happend so long ago it is hard to belive how much it is impacting me right now. Every thing seems to be triggering the emotions and flash backs, I see my doctor tommorrow and I'm wondering if things are so out of control I should be admitted. I can't seem to talk with my friends and support system right now. I'm messing up on simple tasks and am afaird to trust myself.

12 comments:

Jade said...

I'm really glad to see that you were able to reach out and let us know how you were doing Wanda. That was a very strong thing of you to do. Abuse issues can be very tricky to work with and this new wave of struggle may be coming from all the work you've been doing on the topic.
Do your best to stay centered Wanda. When you have a flash, remind yourself that that was in the past and not happening in the present. Try and do loving things for yourself even though you may not want to. Make your favorite snack, take a nice bath with candles, watch your favorite movie, call a good frined...something that will re-enforce the fact that you are a great woman, and you deserve positive in your life.
You're stronger than you know Wanda, and I'm really proud of you for being strong enough to let us know how you're doing, even in the down times. you'll be in my prayers girl.

wolfbaby said...

I'm not sure that I can say anything to help and I wish very much that I could. You need to do what you feel is best for you. I think doing positive things for yourself would be a good thing. Like Jade said you are a pretty amazing woman and you deserve to have some of the good things in life. I know money is always an issue but you don't have to do expensive things. Like Jade said some of the simple pleasures are always the nice ones we enjoy. I hope things are going better for you soon...hugs

keepers said...

handling flashbacks/abreactions is difficult at best, they are so horrific so realistic, it is the event all over again in all of its pain. we understand your anguish and hurt, you have every right to those feelings. To ground yourself try a grounding stone or grasping an ice cube and holding it tightly will help you "come back" to the present.

thinking of you and sending hugs

keepers and john

Fallen Angels said...

I think that maybe instead of dealing with the past or working on DX issues with the new T, you should talk about working on coping issues. Stabilization is the hardest, and most important step in trauma therapy and it needs to be done before delving into anything much. Since you were already having flashbacks when you first went to the new T, delving into past stuff without learning how to cope with them is only going to make them worse in my opinion. (((Wanda)))

Raine said...

I hope it gets better for you. hae you called your T and told him/her whats going on?

jumpinginpuddles said...

we agree with fallen, find coping methods, one of the ones that used to work for us although thankfuylly we dont need to use it anymore, was when it was getting so bad we couldnt cope and things were going spastic inside, i would put ice on our feet and soon enough the pure cold stopped the panic just enough to think of some other way of coping at that moment it also stopped the flashback enough to be able to call help in

Cheesemeister said...

I didn't have it as bad as you but today I had a physical flashback to an event that happened about 10 years ago. I rarely let this event come to the forefront of my mind. I have been on the verge of a panic attack all day and with a friend's help I put two and two together. This is how I felt constantly for almost a year after I was raped. It was triggered by this creepy troll making me feel bad for rejecting his sexual advances. I hope you can overcome this soon.
Best wishes.

Dr. Deborah Serani said...

Sending you my thoughts at this difficult time.

xo,
Deb

Jade said...

Just wondering how you're doing lately, its been a while since you've posted. Wanting you to know you're in my thoughts. :-)

jumpinginpuddles said...

ok im lost wasnt there another blog up after this one where did it go?

Dreaming again said...

Hey Wanders ...what happened to the March posting on your blog????

Cheesemeister said...

I didn't realize until I was in my late 30's that I was molested when I was very little. I still don't know any of the details, only brief flashes of thoughts, and facts that tell me it happened, such as scarring "down there" when I was a young child and strange behaviors surrounding toilet training. It would have continued to go on had not my parents moved several thousand miles away.
I can't get confirmation from my parents about this happening because I know it is their hope that I was "too young to remember." Eventually the victim will remember. Blessings to you for getting through the memories.