Sunday, November 14, 2010

Things Are Never The Same Again

Things are never the same after you lose a child. Everything that was theirs now has a special meaning. You find yourself just setting in their rooms with a hurt that is so unbelievable. You hold thing and sniff them in hopes to make them feel closer.

I'm seeing an orthopedic surgeon tomorrow.I'm hoping he will do the surgery so I'll be in rehab on Thanksgiving. I have had offers to go places, but my heart is just not in it. Even after the divorce I always made a big to do over the holidays. I wanted my children to have those memories to last them a life time. With my daughter half way across country and my son gone  I know it's going to be rough this year.

Everyday things have changed. I used to enjoy cooking. I never cook now. I frequently forget to eat. It like it almost makes me choke to swallow food. I'm at a decent weight now, but have been warned I shouldn't lose more. My blood work shows signs of starvation. Funny now I just want to be skinny.

I hold on to the belief that God cares for me, even if I don't understand why my life has been so difficult. It may sound like I'm complaining, but this is a safe place to let go of some of the pain.

I'm really hoping between my daughter and myself we can find enough money to get her here for Christmas. I can't think of anything that I want more. "Stuff" means less and less. Family and friends are what are really important.


sarah said...

stopped in to say hi....and I hope your dgt is able to get to your place too for the holidays...believing for that.

June_Butterfly said...

I can never know the depths of your pain,as I haven't lost a child.But my heart feel your pain as one of the people who cares for you.

You have the right to complain.Pain in a way is more bearable if it is shared.

If I were Santa I will surely love to grant your wish of being with Alice this holidays!Hope someone above there hears your wishes!(BIG HUG)

Anonymous said...


Don't forget to take care of yourself. I think with grief and depression and other issues it's so easy to put your health on the backburner. But you deserve to eat. You deserve to be healthy. Your body deserves to be healthy too.

Wishing you well,

Faycin A Croud said...

I wish that you didn't have to feel this terrible pain. I do not believe there could be a worse pain than the loss of a child. I am so sorry.
I know how it is about the eating disorder. I'm currently heavy and if I lost weight I'd just want to keep losing.
I wanted to invite you to join my by-invitation only blog about my journey to conquer the problems caused by hoarding because I know you are a compassionate person who wouldn't leave snarky remarks. Email me at if you'd like to and I'll send you an invite.
Much love.