Saturday, September 26, 2009

Will I Ever Get Better?

My journey has been a long one. The night mares and flashbacks. What I do to myself. The cutting, the vomiting, laxatives, and self loathing. I never can measure up. I'm always flawed. My therapist says she wish I could see what she sees in me. I hurt so bad I feel my chest is going to burst. I feel my life is spiralling out of control. I try to do things that are helpful to other people. I try to hold on to my faith. HOW DO YOU HANG ON WHEN EVERYTHING IS BROKEN? I am really struggling.

14 comments:

Just Be Real said...

Dear one, I know your pain. I know you have read my recent post and there is hope. As hard and difficult the journey is, it will get better. I am so very sorry you are in so much pain and deress.

((((Wanda))))
Here with you dear one.

Lily Strange said...

I wish you could see yourself as others see you too. A kind soul who deserves so much better.
{{{{{{{{{SAFE HUGS}}}}}}}}}}

Dreaming again said...

I too, wish you could see what I see what randy sees what (oh boy I forgot her name ...nurse, moved to Colorado ..used to be married to Orb, son named Orbie ...my mind is blank) what she sees.

I have been looking for the book I've got your phone number in for TWO DAYS!!!

I wish I was more organized!

Callllllllllllllll me!

Prayer Girl said...

The journey to health is a difficult one. We make that trip together. Without others I would be lost.

Let's just keep trudging this road together. When some of us are down, others are up - and vice versa.

I'm with you Wanda and I ask you to be with me. Together we can make it.

PG

RCUBEs said...

We are all given not just one, not just two but many chances by the loving God we know so yes, I know it's easier said than done, but, you can do it! Where there is pain, He is comfort. Where there is brokenness, He restores. Where there is hopelessness, He is the only eternal hope that I know. Where there is feeling low and alone, He is our Companion and our joy! Hang in there Wanda. Because by God's grace, we can!!! God bless you and praying for you.

Wonderingsoul said...

Oh Wanda,
That terrible pain in your chest? I had that same thing tonight.
I'm so sorry and I know that the pain must be so bad to be feelign that.
Hearing the despair and the extent of the brokeness.
Therapy stirs such pain.

Thinking of you so much and hoping you found some relief after writing.
Curl up tight. Sometimes it is the only way to sit it out.

Much love.

x

'Tart said...

Dear Wanda,
I think you are so brave. Even when things get tough or even becomes too much, you come back to it and work through difficult things. You have courage, that shines right through to me, through your writings.

HOPELESSBELIEVER said...

Wanda,
I to know the pain you are feeling, you are not alone, we are not alone. YOu will get better my friend, it isn't easy, but you can and will get better. Do something, even if it's wrong, clean house, bake cookies, so something to distract your mind. Sometimes that is the only way I can get my head to stop playing those old recordings, just work and work hard!
YOu are a good, beautiful, spiritual person, WAnda. God does have a plan for you. The things that happened to you happened for a reason. Just look at the people here that have afflictions, that you have made feel comfortable on your blog, simply because you have opened up and let them know who you are. YOu have no idea how many lives you have touched already.
I'll be praying for you dear friend, take care,
Julian

NOS said...

Wanda, I'm so sorry you're struggling right now. The "flaws" that you mention, I see them as strengths-- you are doing everything in your power to stay alive. Although they may not be the most adaptive or pleasant strategies in the long run it is extremely important to survive. You are hanging on. I believe that soon you'll be able to turn the pain around and come out feeling better than ever.

I hope you know you're a beautiful person.

You're in my thoughts,
NOS

Clueless said...

Wanda,

I know that cry of "will I ever get better." The answer is if you stick with working in therapy you will get better!! That is a promise, but it is hard work. I'm doing things now that a year ago I wouldn't even be able to talk about.

You know that you are not alone in this journey. Trust Him.

(((((Wanda)))))

Blessings,
CC

Dr. Deb said...

Hold tight. Rally friends, family, pets, anything that can give you comfort and support.

You will feel better. You will!

jumpinginpuddles said...

it does get better somehow it does get better

KAT said...

Oh sweetie, just hang in there, it will get better!! Look at all your comments! We are all behind you and your struggles.

Maybe an award will cheer you up a bit?? An award is waiting for you over at Candles, Crafts and Whatnot. Congrats!

:) Kat

Colleen said...

Hugs. You are not alone.