Saturday, November 06, 2010

I Am Really Down Today

Coming off my mania and all the bad news I got yesterday has really effected my depression. I don't know if others become as afraid of there own self like I do or not. I literally don't trust myself when I'm this depressed. The desire to hurt myself are over whelming. I'm trying to control my dark thoughts, but they seem to be controling me. I feel I should be able to do a better job than I'm doing. I know most people don't think of  cutting themself with razor blade, yet that is the least harmful thing that is pounding in my brain. Some of you might be thinking,"Well you say you love Jesus". I do. I believe God can heal,but He does not alway chose to. I know some of you think I'm just lacking faith. I truely don't believe that.



For this moment the above picture shows when I'm going to give up.   I am determined not to let this illness kill me!

7 comments:

One Heart said...

He always heals my dear Wanda. He does so in different ways. It's up to us to appropriate it--take possession of it. But, even then, it is He who gives us the ability to appropriate it. I will pray that He gives you the ability to possess your particular healing which is unique to anyone else's.

Don't put the weight of faith on you. Even faith is His. Apart from Him we can do nothing. When this truth is revealed to your spirit vs. your mind, it will take root in a way that the trials, dark thoughts and days will no longer linger. Sure, they will still be around and sometimes affect you because you are human, but they won't linger--last too long. They will be like a flashing thought. I pray God also reveals to you how to cast those horrific thoughts down. It is with His Word. Use it...outloud.

You know three powerful words that always work for me? CHRIST IS GREATER. They are amazing. Because every name, even depression, must bow down to His name.

Hope this helps. Thinking of you and praying for you. Don't ever hesitate to let me know when you need prayer or just an encouraging word.

Mike Golch said...

RIGHT ON about not giving up.play some great music that you enjoy that will help.my HHammered Dulicmer music has been ghetting a workout lately.

One Heart said...

I know you believe in Him sweet Wanda. Just see yourself in Him. When you look in the mirror, the reflection is His. So don't doubt yourself because you are in Him. Love, love, love your way. Yes, play the music. :) Blessings!

NOS said...

Wanda, your determination is inspiring. You've been through so much, I'm glad you still have a fighting spirit.

I understand the urge to cut yourself. And I hope that's not what ends up happening because the relief is only temporary and it is dangerous.

Take care of yourself.

Wishing you well,
NOS

63mago said...

Cool, calm and collected. This sounds stupid in your ears now. But after all you are in control of yourself, and nobody else. And wahte people might think about you or not is another question, people and companies pay millions to control their image. People like us simply have to be ourselves and the rest ahs to deal with this - as we have to deal with all the nonsense and vile crap that is thrown at us, imagewise.
There may be something like eternal love, I hope it is. But actually we are here and have to deal with what is. last day was hard, just read it. And I wish I could throw some cash at you, but I can't, I am sorry.
The mania is going down, the depression is looming, you know all this and how it works. You are the master of this. Skip the razors, they do not help. See the goof things. Your car is running, your brain is well - all the tools are there!

sarah said...

Wanda...I think you fight really really hard. I used to fight and get so mad at God for letting me go through what I did. People have told me He let me b/c He knew I would stand strong for Him. I think you stand strong for Him in your battles.

Angela said...

Wanda, I'm so sorry to hear that you are in such a dark place right now. I know that you won't give up, because you have so much strength inside of you. The relief of self harm is only temporary, and never solves anything, but I know how obssessive those thoughts can be. Know that you are loved. I'm thinking of you and sending big{{{HUGS}}} your way. I also want to thank you for commenting on my posts. Your words mean so much to me!