The Chill of Night

Night time fills the air

Cold wind beat against my window

I wrap up tighter in my blanket

I pretend I'm not alone

I cry a soft cry under my breath 

The pillow becomes my comfort

The silence has its own chill to its breath

Darkness seems to be winning

At last a glimmer of light shines through my window

It breaks the hold of night over my soul

A new beginning  another day to live

A day to find that human touch once again is mine

By Wanda Arthington

Why In The Middle Of The Night

I don't get it. Every time I lie down to go to bed I think of something I need to get up and check on. Just now it was my surgery pack. I don't need it until Friday AM, but I had to know now where it was. I have a tendency  when I clean to put important stuff in a safe place, then I can't find what I did with it!  Of course it was in a safe place, but I moved it back to the kitchen counter where I could readily see it. It has my blood match band in it and they make you go through a long no paid for process if you forget it the day of surgery.

I guess I'm more anxious than I though about this whole thing. I'm going to call the church tomorrow to see if they can make arrangements to bring in some food in so I won't have to cook. That is scary because you don't know what you will get. I just don't know how well I be getting around with a walker post op. The church has been good to help me this year, which I am very grateful.

I have about three days to make sure the house is really clean. I don't want anyone to come in and it be messy. See, worry, worry, worry.  I've got to chill out a little.  I know this was the right thing to do, because the pain and my ability to walk has really been effected.

Awake Again At The Crack Of Dawn

I just don't understand why I can't sleep through the night. I wake up in a could sweat and very thirsty. I've mention it to the doctors and they don't seem too concerned. Maybe hormonal. I'm concerned it might have to do with diabetes since so many of my brothers and sisters are. I was tested and ran low blood sugars a few years ago, so they haven't tested me again.

I want to go to church this morning, but it is too early to get ready. I will lay back down for a while and hopefully not over sleep. I really need to go because next week I will still be in the hospital on Sunday, It's cool outside, but not real cold. I keep the house fairly cool during the winter to save on the gas bill, so I'm a little cold.  I think I'll snuggle up for a while longer in my blanket.

I went to church, but had to leave after the song service. I was just in too much pain. I had not taken a pain pill this morning and my knee and back where in severe pain.

Braved Walmart

I was out of everything, so I braved going to Walmart today. It was crowed,but not as bad as I expected. It's a new store and located way from the center of town, which is perfect for me. I really was only out for a very short time yesterday and said that was crazy. People can be so rude! Wouldn't it be nice if people could just treat each other nicely?

I really need to do some laundry and vacuum the house today. Im just emotionally drained from Thanksgiving, plus I'm coming off a manic episode. At least I'm ready for Christmas. With surgery coming up next week I had to pull my act together. I got Alice's gifts wrapped and in the mail. I also got a couple of friends gifts to wrap. I didn't send out a lot of cards this year, but they are on there way too. I made my own name tags on the computer, which was kind of fun. Maybe next year I'll try Christmas cards.

I'm  hoping to spend a few days at my best friends house for Christmas weather  permitting. I really don't want to be alone on Christmas day. Not even for part of the day. Thanksgiving was just too hard. I don't know what kind of pain level I'll be in 3 weeks post op. Pain is not something new for me, so I'm sure I'll be fine.

It's Official Here- Black Friday

Black Friday is officially here. Put on your running shoe and prepare to shop till you drop! Most store don't open here for another 2-3 hours! Bargains, bargains and more bargains. Who could resist the lure of saving so much money! Quite frankly I don't have any money to save. lol.  Maybe I 'll try to go back to bed for awhile. I'm not sure if I go out just for the excitement of the day or not. Maybe I'll find something or some gift I just can't live without. Black Friday and being manic are NOT a good combination. At least I've destroyed those awful credit cards. What ever you do today may it be filled with good will towards other.

Cold And Empty

It's so cold and empty in the house. No laughter, no smell of turkey baking , just the dead  silences and knowing things will never be the same again. I hope my sister in law gets here soon, because I feel like I'm dying. I've cried all my make up off. The memories  are over taking me with sadness. I thought I was better prepared for today. The groups had told me anticipation of the day was usually worst the the holiday itself. For me this is wrong. I thought I had this planned out, but the pain is so great. Please hold me up!

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the Thanksgiving. I know this is a hard time for many. My heart reaches out to you and I hope the day will bring peace and new memories. I hate to admit it but I a little afraid myself. Who am I kidding. I'm terrified! I'm going to see my sister in law if she is feeling better tomorrow and eating out. This is a very different Thanksgiving for me. I can not believe Chris' won't be hopping around saying. "Where's the food Little Mama?"  We won't be watching our DVD's together or going to look at the Christmas lights. Alice is hundreds of miles away and we always had memories of putting up the Christmas tree together. Her favorite part of the dinner was the turkey leg, dinner rolls,  eggnog, and of course pumpkin  pie! I hope she gets to enjoy these in PA. I know we will spend time on the phone and make new memories. I know she is very anxious about the number of people coming to their house.Our Thanksgivings where just the three of us after my divorce, but they were always great times together. I'll really, really miss that already.

More Than 2 Hours

I finally got more than two hour sleep last night! Yeah! I knew I would eventuality " crash and burn". For some reason the psychiatrist thinks my bipolar medicines should help me sleep. Well he is wrong about that one anyway. I've got to make several calls today to take care of some business. I need to go to the post office. I trying to get as much done as possible be fore my surgery since I'll be home bound for a while. It is really going to cool off this week, so maybe I'll pick up some sugar free hot coco. That sounds good to me.

I finished my Christmas shopping for Alice and Ron and had it shipped today. I know I'm early, but am afraid if I don't get it done before my surgery I'll be late. I still have my Christmas cards to write out. My gifts for  my two best friends are wrapped and I made home made tags for all my packages this year.  I really didn't have a lot of gifts to buy. My best friend has spent a fortune so far on Christmas. I don't see how she does it. Every time I talk to her she has gotten her daughter another new gift. Since Alice won't be able to come down for Christmas, I'll be spending it with Yvonne my best friend(weather permitting).  I hope I don't feel too out of place there with all her family.

Catching Up

My lack of sleep for several days is catching up with me. I didn't sleep again last night, but forced myself to stay in bed for  8 hours awake or not. My anxiety is really building up and I am missing Chris so much it actually hurts!  Just 3 days away form Thanksgiving which was always a fun time with my kids. We would have the traditional turkey dinner, watch some video together, and put up the Christmas tree while we laughed and played together as a family. It was family time. Me, Chris and Alice. We would also try to go see the Christmas light at Rhema Bible School. The decorations are out of this world! It doesn't look like Alice is going to get to come down for Christmas. UGH!!!  I'm trying to pull myself together, because I have an appointment with my therapist, my pre-op appointment, and have to give another unit of blood for my surgery. I determined to make this the best day I can with all things considered. These mood swings are the pits.  I'll just try to put on a "happy face" and make it one day at a time. See my happy face?

Basting In God's Love

I was feeling a bit down this morning before going to church. I had been up since 3:30 AM. I went to the store at 4:30 AM and did my weekly shopping. At 5:30 AM  I am putting a rinse on my hair. I tried to take a self portraits for Face Book and they were horrible. I then had a banana and juice for breakfast at 6:30 AM. . I messed around on the computer for a couple of hours, then went to see Chris. After visiting him I drove to church. I was early so I went to a women Sunday school class. It was about God's love and protection for us. Of course I cried. I had someone take my picture for face book again and they didn't turn out either. The worship service was wonderful. I felt I was basting in God's love for me. The church's Thanksgiving dinner was today after service and there was so much food. I feel bad because I ate too much. I think I need to take a nap, but am still pretty wired up. I guess I go visit some blogs.

Thanksgiving Is On The Way

Thanksgiving is on the way. It's a time to give thanks for all the wonderful things in our life.

1. I am most thankful for the time I have had with my beautiful children Alice and Chris. Chris will be looking down from heaven this year, but he is in my heart always.
2. I am thankful for my friends that have stood by me through the thick and thin.
3. I am thankful that my last two pastors have shown a genuine interest in me and my family. Thank you Tom & Randy.
4. I am thankful for a church that is loving and kind.
5. I am thankful for a roof over my head and food enough to eat.
6. I am thankful that Jesus saw through all my faults and loved me anyway.

As we enjoy all the feasting let us all remember to be thankful to those things that money can not buy!

Suicide Survivor Day

Let us please remember all those that have lost someone to suicide. The number of suicide in young people should be a national concern. Holidays can be a bad time for some people. I have lost a family member to suicide and know the lasting pain it causes. It has been over 10 years ago and still is painful. He was only 18. I have been on the brink of death by suicide myself. The thing to remember is not act on that moment of despair. Find someone to support you. It will get better no matter how dark it seems. My children are what give me the hope for a better tomorrow. You are never alone, somebody does care!

Chris' Memorial Tree

Since I am having surgery soon I decided to go ahead and put up Chris' Star Trek tree now. It is decorated with different Star Trek ships and some of the main characters from all three shows. Original, Next Generation and Voyager. I must admit I am a fan of Star Trek also, but the tree was his idea.  The two cat really like the tree. Not! They are getting better about staying away from it now. Chris' I hope you can see the tree from Heaven. It is in your remembrance. Love you always. Little Mama.

Can't Sleep

I can't sleep because I'm worried about over sleeping for a appointment with my psychiatrist. I got the alarm set but I'm still worried about it. I'm going to try a warm cup of tea or something ,because this is truly crazy!!!!!!!

Ups And Downs In A Day

UPS has really been giving my daughter the run around. They broke the computer I sent her and even with the $500.00  insurance I had on it they are not coming up with the money. I talked to them today and they assured me a resolution by tomorrow at noon. This has been going on for over a month, so we will see if they stand by their word.

I fell yesterday and twisted my left knee. (My better one). Boy am I hurting today. When I feel I knocked over a couch table full of pictures. There was glass everywhere.  I had to pick up 4 of the 6 new frames. My kids pictures are very important to me.

Last year Chris wanted me to put up a star trek Christmas tree. I decided on snowmen last year because I wanted a big tree and didn't have enough decorations of star trek for the big tree. How I wished I had put up what he wanted! I never dreamed it would be his last Christmas. As hard as it is going to be I'm putting up a three foot star trek tree this year in his honor.

I am really sad today! It is just getting very close to the Holidays and I'm missing my babies. I wonder what Christmas is like in heaven?

On the brighter side I've been talking to Alice today. I always love to hear her voice. We must look for good in each day and that is what I'm trying to do. I just mailed Alice four of Chris' video games. I used the post office this time.

It's getting cold at  night. I hate that I have to run my furnace. I have it set at 65 degrees, so I really bundle up in my blanket.  Being bundled up somehow makes me feel safer.

I'm setting here looking at a tapestry throw that is over my lap. I admit I was crying about Chris and feeling I've lost everything, including all my friends. God seemed to say to me "See all the dark threads that are woven in the tapestry and yet it is beautiful. Your life has many, many dark threads, but you are a beautiful life to Me and are not alone."

Nightmares

Last night I kept waking up from having nightmare from my childhood. My question is why now? I don't get it. I'm very tired and weak today. More than likely from all the running to doctors,blood bank, and therapy yesterday. My total knee replacement is going to be on December 3, 2010. This should help with the pain at least in the right knee. He saying I should be in the hospital for about 3 days, then a rehab center for about a week, driving in about 2-3 weeks. That is getting very close to Christmas. I pulled my small 3 foot Christmas tree out of my storage shed. I threw away two six foot trees earlier, because they were just too hard for me to put up. Chris always helped me put up the tree. It's hard to believe he won't be here for Thanksgiving or Christmas. I miss him so much! I'm still hoping Alice will get to come, but it doesn't look very promising. Compassionate Friends suggest trying to set up new Holiday traditions after the death of a child. We will see how that goes.

Stressed!!!!

Things are not looking good right now. I doubt if Alice is going to make it down for Christmas. My knee is far worst than they thought. There is a spur that is tearing through the muscle around the knee. They say we need it done ASAP (total replacement of the knee). My lawyer just gave me a court date that I don't think I'll be walking much by,let alone driving. Of course I haven't heard back form the lawyer. I want this year over!!!!! I'm in so much pain I am going to take a pain pill and try to relax. Maybe if I get some more news tomorrow it will be better.

Woke Up In A Cold Sweat.

I woke up in a cold sweat, shaking and trembling all over. I put on some music to relax myself and all it did was make me cry and feel so much alone. The support  group I'm going to, say that just thinking about the upcoming Holidays, Birthdays and Date of Death is sometimes harder then the day itself.. I really hope so. If Alice can come for Christmas we will have a great time. I wasn't going to put up a tree or anything, but if she is coming I'm going to put up a small tree.

Later today I'm talking to my orthopedic surgeon. about getting my right knee replacement done before the end of the year, because My insurance is  going to be a lot worst after the first of the year. I'm hoping it will cover a rehab center for a week,since I live alone. It would be a great way to spend Thanksgiving day.

I also see my therapist after my orthopedic appointment. Sometimes I think we are just beating a dead horse there. She told me I needed to "forgive" my ex husband. I just don't think about him unless he is brought up in therapy. After what Alice told me what he had done to her,I just glad I'm not in prison. I was an idiot for letting him abuse me, but no one hurts  my babies!

I am going to try and get some sleep now. Fingers crossed.

Things Are Never The Same Again

Things are never the same after you lose a child. Everything that was theirs now has a special meaning. You find yourself just setting in their rooms with a hurt that is so unbelievable. You hold thing and sniff them in hopes to make them feel closer.

I'm seeing an orthopedic surgeon tomorrow.I'm hoping he will do the surgery so I'll be in rehab on Thanksgiving. I have had offers to go places, but my heart is just not in it. Even after the divorce I always made a big to do over the holidays. I wanted my children to have those memories to last them a life time. With my daughter half way across country and my son gone  I know it's going to be rough this year.

Everyday things have changed. I used to enjoy cooking. I never cook now. I frequently forget to eat. It like it almost makes me choke to swallow food. I'm at a decent weight now, but have been warned I shouldn't lose more. My blood work shows signs of starvation. Funny now I just want to be skinny.

I hold on to the belief that God cares for me, even if I don't understand why my life has been so difficult. It may sound like I'm complaining, but this is a safe place to let go of some of the pain.

I'm really hoping between my daughter and myself we can find enough money to get her here for Christmas. I can't think of anything that I want more. "Stuff" means less and less. Family and friends are what are really important.

Natalie Grant-Held-lyrics video

I'm So Excited!

My daughter is thinking about trying to rent a car and come down and visit for Christmas! I was thinking if we forgo Christmas presents we might be able to pool enough money together for her to come.That would be better than any present in the world. I have an extra bedroom now, so there would be a place for her and Ron to sleep. I'm just so excited about the thought of seeing her for the holidays I can hardly stand it! I'm just setting here crying like a baby. So much has gone wrong this year I'm scared to death to get my hopes up too high. She lives half way across country so it is a real big deal. I was so not looking forward to Christmas this year. It would be the greatest gift I could wish for!!!!!!!!!!!!

They Understand!

I went  to my first "Compassionate Friends" group tonight and I have finally found a group of people who knew where I'm coming from. This is a group of people that have lost a child or grandchild of any age. Needless to say many of the stories ripped my heart out. There were people at the group that had lost there child anywhere from 4 months to 20 + years.  I asked a question stating "I say I believe in God,' but could not understand why as I prayed for Chris' life he was taken from me anyway. I expressed that I was angry that God did not answer my prayers, when I know He has answered others.  I was definitely not the only one that struggled with this.Some people said it may take years to reconcile the issue, but God  would be patient and not angry at me. This did not mean my faith wasn't great enough and it wasn't because of me that Chris had died. They reassured me that I was still very early in my recover and I was not strange because I would sometimes get lost in my own city. They talked about how losing a child is different than any other type of loss you can have. I could see how hard on myself I have been. This healing is a slow process and you will NEVER be the same again. I found comfort in knowing that I'm not just some "nut job".
Next month they are going to have a candle light service for the children. They will show a slide show of all the children that have been loss and we can invite a friend. I will see if my sister in law will come to help me honor my beloved Chris. I am very glad I found this group. It is a national group and I highly recommend it to anyone that has lost a child.

PS. I thought this post was lost, because it was what I was working on when my computer bit the dust.

Wrotten Day

The wrotten day started yesterday, when my lap top computer died. Chris had a nice monitor, but I had shipped the tower to his sister Alice. That in it's self is another long story. Anyway today I was crying and going crazy without a computer. I found a tower at a very reasonable price at a whole sale computer store. I know Alice was ready to kill me, because I kept calling her and asking her how to set up this thing. It is so much slower than my other one and I have lost all my pictures and stuff from my hard drive on the lap top. Alice thinks she can retieve the information. I really hope so because it has my last several years of taxes on it.  She lives so far away it cost a fourtune to ship to her. I'm going to check out that "flat rate" postal shipping and see what it cost. This thing is slower than Christmas for a child! 

Chris always had the best computer stuff and I would get his "left overs". Believe me when I say his left overs where a lot faster than this. I am thankful I have something to work on. Whem I'm no so stressed out I got to try to connect the printer. I didn' have any problems when I attached it to my laptop. I really am not a patient person. I'll try to "creep" around to some blogs. Later!

Happy Happy Happy

I'm most likely happy for all of the wrong reason, but now I know why my therapist has been on my case. I've been seeing her for two years now and I have dropped SIX sizes in my clothes.  I have dropped four sizes since February of this year.

I founds some great deals at Good Will. They were having there half off sale on blouses and slacks. I was able to pick up four tops and two pair of slacks for $15.00. Can you believe that. My feet are doing my happy dance. Now my clothes won't be just hanging off me. Maybe if I lose another size or two I might even take a picture of myself. Pictures is something I normally don't do.

I know I'll obess even more with my weight, but for once in my life I would like to be called skinny!

Thank You To All Our Veterans!

Thank you is not enough to say to all the  veterans that have given so much!  I appreciate each and everyone of you! A special thanks to my sister in law and my best friend's son and grandson. Her grandson is only 18 and proudly serving his country today!

Nothing Fits

I lost quite a bit of weight after Chris died. As the weather has been cooling off I noticed I did not have a single winter top and only two pair of blue jeans. Money is always tight when you live on disability, but with the car repairs it just about wiped me out. I found myself another pair of nice jeans for $6.99 and a real pretty pink three quarter length selves sweater for $4.99.  I like the bright color tops, even though I'm no spring chicken. I also love bargains. I will check out some consignment stores tomorrow, since there are suppose to be some "great sales". I think I need at least 2 more tops and maybe one pair of dress slacks. I still find myself trying on clothes that are really big and baggy. I guess in time that will change.

I am really believing this Lupus flare up is really trying to hold on. The steroids are not helping the pain at all. I may be trying to push it too much. My friend in OK City said she was having the first flare up in two years and she also know someone else that is having a flare. Weather changes and stress are most likely why I am having the  problem..

Tomorrow I going to a support group called Compassionate Friends. It is for the parents of those that  have lost a child regardless of the age of the child. I'm a little nervous because I'm sure I will cry. I think I need to know what is "normal" after losing a child. I get upset at myself because I still cry so often about losing Chris.  I also find  that I worry so much about Alice now.I have always been very close to my children, but I don't want to "smother" Alice' I just really love my children.  I think I'm still in shock to some degree. I know someday Alice, Chris and I are all going to be together again at Jesus' feet.

Wow

With all the help form my blogging friends I can finally post on people blogs with Word Verification!!!  Big smile. It looks like it is taking my comments anyway. It's a little late in the day for a good morning, but I just loved the expressions on their  faces.

I have a rough several days with my lupus and just not feeling well.  I still hurt all over, but I'm forcing myself to do at least one or two things a day. I took some food to a food bank, took some stuff to Good Will, and went to my primary care doctor. I found I had a little bite of blockage in the veins in my neck(report from my hospital stay), so she started me on some cholesterol medicine. I just don't get how my lipids can be elevated with no more than I eat.

I really did not figure I could get my computer to act right, but I want to thank everyone for their suggestions  (especially Mike).To blog I have to use . Internet Explorer to get  my blogger to work, Chris had always told me never to use it, because you had a greater chance of getting a virus. I will continue to us  Fire Fox for everything else.

I've Been Tagged

Friendship baton to be passed on to others that you care about. Answer the following 8 questions and pass it on..

1 - too small when you were asked, what you wanted to do when you were big; What did you reply?
2 - What were your favorite cartoons?
3 - What were your favorite games?
4 - What year was your nicest birthday and why?
5 - What were the things you absolutely wanted to do, and not yet done?
6 - Which 'was your first love? sports? or what not?
7 - Which was your first musical idol?
8 - Which was the most' beautiful sought (and eventually received), Santa Claus, Jesus' Child, Saint Lucia, christmas gift? 

1. I have always wanted to be a nurse and that was the profession I chose.

2 Mickey Mouse
3 Monopoly
4  16th. My stepfather was now gone and I actually got a birthday cake.
5 Go to Washington DC
6. Drawing. I loved to draw and paint.
7 Elvis
8 My first Barbie Doll with extra outfits.


THIS IS FOR EVERYONE TO DO. HAVE FUN AND STRETCH THOSE BRAIN CELLS. THANKS JESSE. 


To all of those blogs I can not comment on right now especial NOS,Tears behind the smile, and EH. I am thinking about you and care very much for you.

Computer Problems

I'm having so many computer problems I could scream. I keep losing stuff. I've lost my icons on my posting bar, but have found a work around for that. I lost my top tool bar, but can press alt and get it back for a short period of time then it disappears again. I still can't post on anyone page with word verification, no mater how many time I hit the stupid bar. My computer helps keep me semi sane. I enjoy talking with my blogging friends and when I can't I really get stressed out. I sure hope it doesn't mean my computer is going out. I would be so lost.  I guess since I can't post on several blogs I will see whats on TV and finish the laundry. Fun?  Right!

I'm Sorry

I just want to say I have visited several blogs today and I just can not leave comments. I have tried every suggestion I been given and none of them have worked. If you have word verification on your blog I can not respond until the blogger help desk gets back to me. Again I am so sorry and wish I could comment!

I Am Really Down Today

Coming off my mania and all the bad news I got yesterday has really effected my depression. I don't know if others become as afraid of there own self like I do or not. I literally don't trust myself when I'm this depressed. The desire to hurt myself are over whelming. I'm trying to control my dark thoughts, but they seem to be controling me. I feel I should be able to do a better job than I'm doing. I know most people don't think of  cutting themself with razor blade, yet that is the least harmful thing that is pounding in my brain. Some of you might be thinking,"Well you say you love Jesus". I do. I believe God can heal,but He does not alway chose to. I know some of you think I'm just lacking faith. I truely don't believe that.

For this moment the above picture shows when I'm going to give up.   I am determined not to let this illness kill me!

I Can't Comment On Several Blogs

I can't comment on any blog with "Word Verification" because the word does not show up.  Is anyone else having this problem or know what I can to work around it? It is really making me angry!

Will This Day Ever End?

To begin with my alarm clock did not go off and I had an early morning appointment with my psychiatrist. I could barely get out of bed because my lupus is in a full blown flare. I hurried as quickly as I could to get ready. I must admit my makeup sure looked like a "rush job." The pharmacy was on the way and I had to pick up my predisone for the lupus. I went to the drive up pharmacy window and my window stuck in the down position. It would NOT go back up no matter what I tried. I was freezing in spite of the cup of coffee that was in hand. I knew I was "crashing" from my recent mania. My psychiatrist could tell I was crashing also, so he increased my Abilify. He also told me that the predisone could cause additional mood problems. Just what I need, but this was not a surprise to me.

My sister in law and I were suppose to go to the SPCA today. I could not leave my window stuck in the down position, so I called her and we met at repair shop. I figured the repair would be about $50.00. The surprise is to come later!

We went on to the SPCA and worked about 2.5 hours. One of the cats must have been having a bad day too, because she bite me. I received a call for the shop and they had found several things that needed to be fixed. It took about 0.5% of my monthly check. I just broke down in tears. Sally said she would help me pay some of the bill because I had no idea how I was going to make.

When we went to pick up the car there was an additional $500.00 of repairs that need done "soon". I opted out not to do them at the time because I was broke. I figured I had a few months by what I was told. I made it about 2/3 of the way home when smoke started pouring out of my car. Ironically this happen next to the cemetery Chris' nitch is in.

I was beyond hysterical when I called my sister in law. She told me to call the garage that had fixed the car to come out and check what was going on. She also came to me to take me back to the shop. I went inside the building Chris' nitch was at and poured my heart out to Chris. I know that was a dumb thing, but I told him how much I wish I could just join him.

The man from the garage arrived and looked at the car. The fuel pump had caused the radiator to "crack" and blow off the hose. Sallie arrived to hear the news. The car was unable to be driven. Fortunately I had AAA to have the car towed back to the shop. I was crying and shaking like a baby. Sallie drove me to the shop and loaned me the $500.00 to have the car fixed.There is still about $300.00 of repairs that need to be done in the next few months.I then had to wait an addition 2 hours while the car was being repaired. My pain pill had worn off a long time ago, so I could barely walk.

I am so thankful that Sallie was there to help me. If this had happen on Monday I would have been taking her to back surgery. As bad and costly as today has been, it would have been much worst for this to happen on Monday. I am so glad this day is over. Also the garage did not charge labor on replacing the radiator , which saved about $150.00.

On top of everything else I have not been able to post on a several of my blogging friend sites, because the "verification" of words. They were not present to type in. Also my icon to add a picture is missing. Is anyone else had trouble with blogger today or is it just me? I would write it it would let me!!!!!!! I'll try to respond again tomorrow.

After that my computer locked up and I had to call Alice for some help. She talked me through it!!!

Oh No

On top of being manic, I'm trying to eat and it keeps coming back up. I just can't seem to swallow my food today. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow and am worried he will increase my Depakote. Each time he dose that I have a real bad depressive reaction. My rheumatogist put me on a steroid today because of a Lupus flare up. That also has me concerned because it can really mess with your moods and cause weight gain. I'm already fighting a battle not to gain any weight with my new antidepressant.

I got bad news a few weeks ago the my Medicare Advantage plan that I'm on is be cancelled as of January 1, 2011. I had a meeting with someone from Humma to see what type of supplements they had for Medicare. The plan that was a reasonably priced had NONE of my current doctors on it. I also got a list from the Secure Horizons and again none of my doctor are on it. The only plan that is available that I can keep my current doctors is Humma "Golden Plan". It a golden plan for a reason, you have to have a lot of gold to afford it. It is going to cost me $70.00 more a month. That might sound like a lot, but when you are on a fixed income it's a ton. I'm not comfortable changing all my doctors, so I might have to suck it up a go with that plan anyway. I really don't know what I'm going to have to cut from my budget. What a pain.

I really need to get some sleep tonight. I have notice that a lot of the blogger I follow haven't been posting in the last couple of day. I hope everything is going OK and it is just that they have been too busy to blog. I'm going to try some clear liquids and see if that will stay down. Hot tea sounds good. Maybe I'll curl up with a hot cup of tea.

Alice's Page

Alice's amazing journey is on my side bar if you are interested in reading the struggles of a trans gender child.

Just Finished

I just finished Chris' Page. To read more about him you can either click on his picture or go under pages.

Fun We Had Together

Wow I am figuring out how to use my scanner, but now I've got to buy some more ink! Karate is something Chris and I used enjoy doing together. As you can see by the pictures who was better. :) Now that I'm beginning to figure things out maybe I can post a little more about myself and family. I don't have the knees anymore to do Karate,but I did work my way up to a blue belt which I am proud of myself for doing. I was so proud the first time I broke a board. Chris was able to do two boards at the same time. I never had the natural talent that Chris did. He loved to spar and I preferred the forms. I still treasure our certificates of honor that we both received. It sure is good to start remembering the good times we had together. For all you healthy active people out there,Karate is great exercise and a lot of fun! In the picture I placed 2nd in my age group at the regional tournament (not bad for an old lady) and Chris placed 1rst in his age group. He had several trophies for 1rst and 2nd place . You can't tell I am proud of him, can you? lol

Bad Sign

Two nights in a row with less than three hours sleep. Not good! I also went shopping all day after church yesterday. I glad to say I didn't spend too much. I've destroyed all my charge card since they were such a source for trouble for me. I don't think I'm going to say anything to my psychiatrist because he will try to over medicate me. I'm feeling so much less depressed the last two days. I know I'm a little manic, but I think I can control it without increasing my drugs. Well maybe I'll get the house cleaned up today, if the pain don't get to me first.

By the way I tried scanning some pictures yesterday on my scanner and they came out upside down and sideways. The computer would allow me to rotate them, but it wouldn't let me save the changes. Also when I try to add the picture to the blog I get an error, "Invalid format or corrupt file." Does anyone know what I'm doing wrong? The photo are in a file called scanned. I tried to move them to my picture folder and that didn't work either. I am able to look at the photos and even print them. I just can not pull them up for my blog.