Good Bye 2010

I must admit I'm glad 2010 is coming to an end. This has been a very difficult year for me. It has shaken everything I believe in and has caused me immense pain. Too many losses this year have left me raw with many open wounds. There were times I didn't think I could make it, but I did. The good thing was I am stronger and closer to God and friends than in the past.
I have to believe 2011 will be a better year. It is not starting out to well. Maybe I'll be able to relax more after I find out more information about the breast lump. My medical insurance was canceled and the new one is not good. It's time for something good to happen and I'm holding on to that hope for a better tomorrow.
Happy New Years to all my friends in blogging land. Thank you for all your kind words and encouragement.

Hurting

Sometimes I wonder how much pain and suffering one human being can endure. It has been trauma after trauma in my life. The mental  anguish is almost more than I can take. I'm tired of having to fight so hard. Has anyone else ever felt this way? I know I need to continue to fight, but I'm exhausted. There is just too much pain in this world. Oh God Why? I'm just so tired.  I hurt so badly. I just don't know how much more I can take.

Found a Lump

I found a breast lump the other day and saw my doctor today. It's about 1 cc in size and it in the upper breast tissue. It was missed on my mammogram a few month earlier.  My doctor is setting me up for an ultra sound. I have a very strong history of breast cancer in my family. My sister has had to have both breast removed and my mother died from the spread of the cancer. I am a little bit afraid but looking for the best to come out of this. I'm trying not to stress over this. The doctor said it was a good sign the the lump was movable. I just have to put this in God's hand.

I have an ultra sound of the breast scheduled Jan 6. I can't believe that is as soon as I could get in. I'll try not to worry about it.
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I'm Back

I'm back in town now. Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend and really got to spend some quality time with their family. Being with the ones you love is what it is all about. I do miss my computer when I'm at my friend Y. She doesn't like them and does not own one. For me my computer is a real connection to my on line friends.

I had as good as can be expect time this Christmas. My friends really stepped up to be there for me. I cried myself a sleep a few times thinking about Chris. I so much miss him and his beautiful laugh. I miss him teasing me and calling me little Mama. I wasn't able to spend time with Alice for Christmas which really hurt too. We talked and it sounded like she was doing OK.

Princess was very happy to see me when I got home. I had some one checking on her since we just lost Zinthus. She hid most of the time. It seems she is quite the Mama girl. She has been all over me wanting loving since I got back.

It's still fairly  cold, but nothing like on the east coast and up north. We may get snow for New Years Day.  It good to be back to my computer any way. Hugs to everyone. May this year be a better year than last.

Merry Christmas

I'm going to be away a few days and just want to wish all my blogging friends a  Merry Christmas!

Worth More Than Gold

I received the most beautiful card form my daughter today. I cried with joy. The picture does not do the card justice. The verse and what she wrote mean so much to me! I am going out of town to be with my friend Y for a few days so I would not have to spend Christmas alone. Her family are like family to me. We have know each other so long and are so close. I want to wish all my friends a very Merry Christmas and a Thank You for being there for me!

Rest In Peace Zinthus

 I had to put Zinthus down today. He was a big boy. !4 pounds. They premeditated him to decrease his anxiety and he went very peacefully.  He was in a lot of pain. I'm not sure exactly what was wrong with him, but due to his age and difficultly medicating him the vet thought it was the most humane thing we could do. Now he is with his beloved Chris. I've been crying like a baby. Princes is looking for him. We  were trying to crate him to take him to the vet Princes picked a fight with him making things much more difficult to catch him. I am so sick at my stomach. Chris was so very close to Zinthus. I know in my heart I did the right thing but it hurts so bad.

Peace To All

I wish peace to all my blogging friends this Holiday Season.

Make Me Smile

Today I chose to look at the thing that bring a smile to my face. Cats in Santa hats make me smile.

Friends holding each other up makes me smile.

Alice you make me smile. Chris you make me smile.

Christmas trees make me smile.

 Knowing He will carry me when I'm to tired to walk, makes me smile.

My friends in Blogging Land that love me, makes me smile.

If I made one person smile and feel hope, this is my biggest smile!

Lack Of Sunshine

The gray gloomy skies have really been triggering a lot of bad stuff.  Sleep, not a chance. Crying, a lot. Flash backs, I can feel it all again. My beloved Chris gone. Alice too far away to hold. Plus the physical pain. Lupus, flaring up. I just got to make it a few more days then I'll maybe get that break. Holding on for dear life right now.

I Think Zinthus Is Sick

I think Zinthus is sick. He is crying out like a cat in heat!  He stopped grooming himself and is just not acting right. I called to get a vet appointment and can not get him in until Monday unless it's an  "emergency". Plus I have to get a ride from someone and have them help me crate him. I don't know a lot about cats. He is a really big boy and seems to be eating. He may just be lonely I just don't know. Zinthus was Chris' "baby" and stayed with him 24-7. I hope this is nothing serious. I think he about 11-12 years old. I'm a bit worried.

See Doctor Thursday

I see my doctor Thursday and will find out how he thinks my knee is coming along. I was thinking I was to be able to drive in 2 weeks, but it is actually 3 weeks before I can drive. I will be so glad because I'm going crazy being so confined. I was able to step into the bathtub for a shower today. Boy did that feel good. I couldn't stand long, but it was nice to feel that hot water saturating my entire body at one time!

My friend is picking me up next Wednesday for Christmas, so I will spend Christmas with her family and not be alone on Christmas day. I just don't think I could have handled being alone on Christmas day. Wow it's hard to believe it is only 11 days away.  I remember my kids counting down the days. It was always so much fun to see the joy and excitement  in their eyes. There is just something about children and Christmas!

It's really cold outside here, but tomorrow is suppose to be warmer. I hoping we don't get any snow or anything like that next Wednesday, because my friend doesn't drive in snow.

Isolation

I'm feeling so isolated right now. Not being able to drive or even carry out my own trash is getting to me.  I find myself just breaking into tears. I don't like being "out of control" or at some bodies mercy. I'm really afraid the doctor is not going to release me to drive when I see him on Thursday. My leg seems weaker than I think it should be at this point. I know I'm really depressed right now and am finding it hard to fight the intrusive thoughts I've been having. I am seeing at least one person a day, but this feeling of being trapped is eating away at me. I thought I would be in a rehab center for at least a week post op and not alone . That is what I was told anyway. I don't like the thoughts that are running through my head. Tomorrow will be better I'm sure.

Learned A Valuable Lesson

Well I learned a very  valuable lesson. If you think you doing too much you most likely are. I'm really sore today! I tried too go to long without my pain medicine and take out my own trash.  Those 5 steps were too much!!!

Cold

How in the world do you get a cold when you are isolated in your house for a week???? I had to call the pharmacy to find out what "cold" medicine I could take with the blood thinner they have me on. I have tons of soup, but nothing tastes good. All I feel like doing is watching TV with remote control in hand. Hope everybody is having a good weekend. 

Chris Memories At Christmas

Here are a few of my memories of Chris at Christmas.

 Chris' very first Christmas with his much loved "glow worm".

 I got my firetruck!

Well it was not a lump of coal!

My last Christmas. Computer tools, what else?

This year, Chris enjoy your tree from heaven.It's a Star Trek tree.
Thinking of you with love! "Little Mama"

Life's Goal

My life goal was to love my children with unconditional love. Maybe I got this one thing right. Yes I made my share of mistakes. Nothing would cause me not to love and nourish two very beautiful people in the world. I thinking of each of you now. I wish I could touch and hold your hands right now. Cyber love to my dear sweet Alice and may the angels give you kisses Chris from down here below. From a Mother's heart to her beloved children.

Warmeth Is A Smile

Emotions running deep

Both hot and cold

Afraid to reach out to touch

Rejections causes a burning pain

Cold is your protector

Nothing can penetrate the ice
But wait coldness of ice burned too

Feelings still come through the wall of ice

 Something warm touches the heart

The heat feels a warm glow

Yes  a soothing calm a tiny smile appears

Healing can begin in the warmth of a smile

You never know how much just the warmth of a smile can do. In giving a smile a way we can project healing of  a broken heart. Comfort to a soul that is cold and in pain. Just give a few seconds and show someone you care. Yes God's love shinning through the darkest if nights, all by a deep felt heart warming smile. 

I'm Home

I think I belong in rehab, but I made to many points for Medicare to cover it, I have a walker and people bringing by food etc for me. I'm suppose to us this thing on my leg fir 6 hours a day, boy doe it hurt, Hope  t hey know what they are doing, I can't type any longer. I hurt.

Updating for Wanda

Hi, this is Pk ... I just came from the hospital. My son and I walked into Wanda's room and PT was getting her up and out of bed. She was sitting in the chair eating lunch. When we left, she'd been up for the entire 30 minutes they'd asked her to be! My mother went through 2 knee replacements and Wanda is managing signifcantly better than I'd seen with my mom! I'm so proud of her, so impressed.
Her pain levels are higher than what's comfortable,but not unexpected for this stage.

Her pulse ox is dropping randomly, but she said that's not unusual for her.

Thank you all for your prayers. She's considering going to rehab before going home (this would be a good thing but will be up to insurance, not her or her doctors). I will keep you as updated as I can.

Peggikaye

Awake and Dry as A Bone

I'm awake and dry as a bone. Nothing by mouth, not even a breath mint. Ugh, I feel my mouth feels "nasty" !. I know all the reason for this,but it sure is hard not to at least brush your teeth! My ride won't be here for another 4 hours. I'm going to try to go back to sleep. I made my list and checking it twice, three times and so forth, Why is  it when you know you can't have something that is all you want? I be off the computer for awhile. Everyone please take care.

Tomorrow Is The Day

I been busy already this morning. I'm trying to make the house look OK in case some people drop by post op. I've been to Walmart and stocked up on soup and such. Things that would be easy for me to fix on my new and I'm sure painful knee. I picked up a size "too big" sweat pants to wear home since I will most likely have a large dressing on my knee. The trick is not to grow into the pants! I've worked too hard to keep the weight I lost off. I need to do my first "scrub" with antibacterial soap on my knee this morning, then a second one this evening.

 Yesterday was one of those "bad" days. I was missing Chris so much I cried most of the day. I know it sound stupid, but when I'm like that I hold the shirt he wore in the last picture I have of him. Most of his clothes I gave to Good Will, but I kept a few things that meant a lot to me. I still talk to him all the time. I'm working on a scape book about his life. I can now remember some of the good times we had together. For awhile all I thought  was watching the monitor in ICU as he deteriorated. He was a great Son! All a mother could ever hope for.

I pretty well set up for Christmas. I mailed Alice's present to her already. She couldn't wait to Christmas. She immediately opened the wrapped packages. She is just like a happy child in that aspect of her life. I had so hoped they could come down for Christmas. We are now shooting for our Birthday Days which is August the 7th. Yes she was my birthday baby. Christmas cards are sent out too.

I really need to get busy and get this last minute "stuff" done. I will update my blog with my surgery time when I find out this afternoon. I'm so nervous, but I getting this done while I have "decent" insurance. Next year my insurance cost more and pays less. Thank you so much! It may snow over the weekend or Monday. I guess winter is here!

Check in at OR is at 8:15: Surgery to follow at 9:30 AM.  I am the second case.

Terrified

I hate to admit it, but every since I lost Chris I am terrified of being in the hospital. I can't believe how scared I am. I know I really need this surgery, but I am so tempted to back out. I was a nurse for a long time and to be so afraid of the hospital is very illogical. I not afraid of the pain, because I live with so much pain anyway. It's the idea of trusting my life to someone else. I know attitude can have an impact on how you do, so I've got to pull myself together. It is just the whole trust issue. I just am not a trusting person I guess. What is wrong with me any way???? I just be fine. They do these surgery all the time. Piece  of cake right? 

The Chill of Night

Night time fills the air

Cold wind beat against my window

I wrap up tighter in my blanket

I pretend I'm not alone

I cry a soft cry under my breath 

The pillow becomes my comfort

The silence has its own chill to its breath

Darkness seems to be winning

At last a glimmer of light shines through my window

It breaks the hold of night over my soul

A new beginning  another day to live

A day to find that human touch once again is mine

By Wanda Arthington

Why In The Middle Of The Night

I don't get it. Every time I lie down to go to bed I think of something I need to get up and check on. Just now it was my surgery pack. I don't need it until Friday AM, but I had to know now where it was. I have a tendency  when I clean to put important stuff in a safe place, then I can't find what I did with it!  Of course it was in a safe place, but I moved it back to the kitchen counter where I could readily see it. It has my blood match band in it and they make you go through a long no paid for process if you forget it the day of surgery.

I guess I'm more anxious than I though about this whole thing. I'm going to call the church tomorrow to see if they can make arrangements to bring in some food in so I won't have to cook. That is scary because you don't know what you will get. I just don't know how well I be getting around with a walker post op. The church has been good to help me this year, which I am very grateful.

I have about three days to make sure the house is really clean. I don't want anyone to come in and it be messy. See, worry, worry, worry.  I've got to chill out a little.  I know this was the right thing to do, because the pain and my ability to walk has really been effected.

Awake Again At The Crack Of Dawn

I just don't understand why I can't sleep through the night. I wake up in a could sweat and very thirsty. I've mention it to the doctors and they don't seem too concerned. Maybe hormonal. I'm concerned it might have to do with diabetes since so many of my brothers and sisters are. I was tested and ran low blood sugars a few years ago, so they haven't tested me again.

I want to go to church this morning, but it is too early to get ready. I will lay back down for a while and hopefully not over sleep. I really need to go because next week I will still be in the hospital on Sunday, It's cool outside, but not real cold. I keep the house fairly cool during the winter to save on the gas bill, so I'm a little cold.  I think I'll snuggle up for a while longer in my blanket.

I went to church, but had to leave after the song service. I was just in too much pain. I had not taken a pain pill this morning and my knee and back where in severe pain.

Braved Walmart

I was out of everything, so I braved going to Walmart today. It was crowed,but not as bad as I expected. It's a new store and located way from the center of town, which is perfect for me. I really was only out for a very short time yesterday and said that was crazy. People can be so rude! Wouldn't it be nice if people could just treat each other nicely?

I really need to do some laundry and vacuum the house today. Im just emotionally drained from Thanksgiving, plus I'm coming off a manic episode. At least I'm ready for Christmas. With surgery coming up next week I had to pull my act together. I got Alice's gifts wrapped and in the mail. I also got a couple of friends gifts to wrap. I didn't send out a lot of cards this year, but they are on there way too. I made my own name tags on the computer, which was kind of fun. Maybe next year I'll try Christmas cards.

I'm  hoping to spend a few days at my best friends house for Christmas weather  permitting. I really don't want to be alone on Christmas day. Not even for part of the day. Thanksgiving was just too hard. I don't know what kind of pain level I'll be in 3 weeks post op. Pain is not something new for me, so I'm sure I'll be fine.

It's Official Here- Black Friday

Black Friday is officially here. Put on your running shoe and prepare to shop till you drop! Most store don't open here for another 2-3 hours! Bargains, bargains and more bargains. Who could resist the lure of saving so much money! Quite frankly I don't have any money to save. lol.  Maybe I 'll try to go back to bed for awhile. I'm not sure if I go out just for the excitement of the day or not. Maybe I'll find something or some gift I just can't live without. Black Friday and being manic are NOT a good combination. At least I've destroyed those awful credit cards. What ever you do today may it be filled with good will towards other.

Cold And Empty

It's so cold and empty in the house. No laughter, no smell of turkey baking , just the dead  silences and knowing things will never be the same again. I hope my sister in law gets here soon, because I feel like I'm dying. I've cried all my make up off. The memories  are over taking me with sadness. I thought I was better prepared for today. The groups had told me anticipation of the day was usually worst the the holiday itself. For me this is wrong. I thought I had this planned out, but the pain is so great. Please hold me up!

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the Thanksgiving. I know this is a hard time for many. My heart reaches out to you and I hope the day will bring peace and new memories. I hate to admit it but I a little afraid myself. Who am I kidding. I'm terrified! I'm going to see my sister in law if she is feeling better tomorrow and eating out. This is a very different Thanksgiving for me. I can not believe Chris' won't be hopping around saying. "Where's the food Little Mama?"  We won't be watching our DVD's together or going to look at the Christmas lights. Alice is hundreds of miles away and we always had memories of putting up the Christmas tree together. Her favorite part of the dinner was the turkey leg, dinner rolls,  eggnog, and of course pumpkin  pie! I hope she gets to enjoy these in PA. I know we will spend time on the phone and make new memories. I know she is very anxious about the number of people coming to their house.Our Thanksgivings where just the three of us after my divorce, but they were always great times together. I'll really, really miss that already.

More Than 2 Hours

I finally got more than two hour sleep last night! Yeah! I knew I would eventuality " crash and burn". For some reason the psychiatrist thinks my bipolar medicines should help me sleep. Well he is wrong about that one anyway. I've got to make several calls today to take care of some business. I need to go to the post office. I trying to get as much done as possible be fore my surgery since I'll be home bound for a while. It is really going to cool off this week, so maybe I'll pick up some sugar free hot coco. That sounds good to me.

I finished my Christmas shopping for Alice and Ron and had it shipped today. I know I'm early, but am afraid if I don't get it done before my surgery I'll be late. I still have my Christmas cards to write out. My gifts for  my two best friends are wrapped and I made home made tags for all my packages this year.  I really didn't have a lot of gifts to buy. My best friend has spent a fortune so far on Christmas. I don't see how she does it. Every time I talk to her she has gotten her daughter another new gift. Since Alice won't be able to come down for Christmas, I'll be spending it with Yvonne my best friend(weather permitting).  I hope I don't feel too out of place there with all her family.

Catching Up

My lack of sleep for several days is catching up with me. I didn't sleep again last night, but forced myself to stay in bed for  8 hours awake or not. My anxiety is really building up and I am missing Chris so much it actually hurts!  Just 3 days away form Thanksgiving which was always a fun time with my kids. We would have the traditional turkey dinner, watch some video together, and put up the Christmas tree while we laughed and played together as a family. It was family time. Me, Chris and Alice. We would also try to go see the Christmas light at Rhema Bible School. The decorations are out of this world! It doesn't look like Alice is going to get to come down for Christmas. UGH!!!  I'm trying to pull myself together, because I have an appointment with my therapist, my pre-op appointment, and have to give another unit of blood for my surgery. I determined to make this the best day I can with all things considered. These mood swings are the pits.  I'll just try to put on a "happy face" and make it one day at a time. See my happy face?

Basting In God's Love

I was feeling a bit down this morning before going to church. I had been up since 3:30 AM. I went to the store at 4:30 AM and did my weekly shopping. At 5:30 AM  I am putting a rinse on my hair. I tried to take a self portraits for Face Book and they were horrible. I then had a banana and juice for breakfast at 6:30 AM. . I messed around on the computer for a couple of hours, then went to see Chris. After visiting him I drove to church. I was early so I went to a women Sunday school class. It was about God's love and protection for us. Of course I cried. I had someone take my picture for face book again and they didn't turn out either. The worship service was wonderful. I felt I was basting in God's love for me. The church's Thanksgiving dinner was today after service and there was so much food. I feel bad because I ate too much. I think I need to take a nap, but am still pretty wired up. I guess I go visit some blogs.

Thanksgiving Is On The Way

Thanksgiving is on the way. It's a time to give thanks for all the wonderful things in our life.

1. I am most thankful for the time I have had with my beautiful children Alice and Chris. Chris will be looking down from heaven this year, but he is in my heart always.
2. I am thankful for my friends that have stood by me through the thick and thin.
3. I am thankful that my last two pastors have shown a genuine interest in me and my family. Thank you Tom & Randy.
4. I am thankful for a church that is loving and kind.
5. I am thankful for a roof over my head and food enough to eat.
6. I am thankful that Jesus saw through all my faults and loved me anyway.

As we enjoy all the feasting let us all remember to be thankful to those things that money can not buy!

Suicide Survivor Day

Let us please remember all those that have lost someone to suicide. The number of suicide in young people should be a national concern. Holidays can be a bad time for some people. I have lost a family member to suicide and know the lasting pain it causes. It has been over 10 years ago and still is painful. He was only 18. I have been on the brink of death by suicide myself. The thing to remember is not act on that moment of despair. Find someone to support you. It will get better no matter how dark it seems. My children are what give me the hope for a better tomorrow. You are never alone, somebody does care!

Chris' Memorial Tree

Since I am having surgery soon I decided to go ahead and put up Chris' Star Trek tree now. It is decorated with different Star Trek ships and some of the main characters from all three shows. Original, Next Generation and Voyager. I must admit I am a fan of Star Trek also, but the tree was his idea.  The two cat really like the tree. Not! They are getting better about staying away from it now. Chris' I hope you can see the tree from Heaven. It is in your remembrance. Love you always. Little Mama.

Can't Sleep

I can't sleep because I'm worried about over sleeping for a appointment with my psychiatrist. I got the alarm set but I'm still worried about it. I'm going to try a warm cup of tea or something ,because this is truly crazy!!!!!!!

Ups And Downs In A Day

UPS has really been giving my daughter the run around. They broke the computer I sent her and even with the $500.00  insurance I had on it they are not coming up with the money. I talked to them today and they assured me a resolution by tomorrow at noon. This has been going on for over a month, so we will see if they stand by their word.

I fell yesterday and twisted my left knee. (My better one). Boy am I hurting today. When I feel I knocked over a couch table full of pictures. There was glass everywhere.  I had to pick up 4 of the 6 new frames. My kids pictures are very important to me.

Last year Chris wanted me to put up a star trek Christmas tree. I decided on snowmen last year because I wanted a big tree and didn't have enough decorations of star trek for the big tree. How I wished I had put up what he wanted! I never dreamed it would be his last Christmas. As hard as it is going to be I'm putting up a three foot star trek tree this year in his honor.

I am really sad today! It is just getting very close to the Holidays and I'm missing my babies. I wonder what Christmas is like in heaven?

On the brighter side I've been talking to Alice today. I always love to hear her voice. We must look for good in each day and that is what I'm trying to do. I just mailed Alice four of Chris' video games. I used the post office this time.

It's getting cold at  night. I hate that I have to run my furnace. I have it set at 65 degrees, so I really bundle up in my blanket.  Being bundled up somehow makes me feel safer.

I'm setting here looking at a tapestry throw that is over my lap. I admit I was crying about Chris and feeling I've lost everything, including all my friends. God seemed to say to me "See all the dark threads that are woven in the tapestry and yet it is beautiful. Your life has many, many dark threads, but you are a beautiful life to Me and are not alone."

Nightmares

Last night I kept waking up from having nightmare from my childhood. My question is why now? I don't get it. I'm very tired and weak today. More than likely from all the running to doctors,blood bank, and therapy yesterday. My total knee replacement is going to be on December 3, 2010. This should help with the pain at least in the right knee. He saying I should be in the hospital for about 3 days, then a rehab center for about a week, driving in about 2-3 weeks. That is getting very close to Christmas. I pulled my small 3 foot Christmas tree out of my storage shed. I threw away two six foot trees earlier, because they were just too hard for me to put up. Chris always helped me put up the tree. It's hard to believe he won't be here for Thanksgiving or Christmas. I miss him so much! I'm still hoping Alice will get to come, but it doesn't look very promising. Compassionate Friends suggest trying to set up new Holiday traditions after the death of a child. We will see how that goes.

Stressed!!!!

Things are not looking good right now. I doubt if Alice is going to make it down for Christmas. My knee is far worst than they thought. There is a spur that is tearing through the muscle around the knee. They say we need it done ASAP (total replacement of the knee). My lawyer just gave me a court date that I don't think I'll be walking much by,let alone driving. Of course I haven't heard back form the lawyer. I want this year over!!!!! I'm in so much pain I am going to take a pain pill and try to relax. Maybe if I get some more news tomorrow it will be better.

Woke Up In A Cold Sweat.

I woke up in a cold sweat, shaking and trembling all over. I put on some music to relax myself and all it did was make me cry and feel so much alone. The support  group I'm going to, say that just thinking about the upcoming Holidays, Birthdays and Date of Death is sometimes harder then the day itself.. I really hope so. If Alice can come for Christmas we will have a great time. I wasn't going to put up a tree or anything, but if she is coming I'm going to put up a small tree.

Later today I'm talking to my orthopedic surgeon. about getting my right knee replacement done before the end of the year, because My insurance is  going to be a lot worst after the first of the year. I'm hoping it will cover a rehab center for a week,since I live alone. It would be a great way to spend Thanksgiving day.

I also see my therapist after my orthopedic appointment. Sometimes I think we are just beating a dead horse there. She told me I needed to "forgive" my ex husband. I just don't think about him unless he is brought up in therapy. After what Alice told me what he had done to her,I just glad I'm not in prison. I was an idiot for letting him abuse me, but no one hurts  my babies!

I am going to try and get some sleep now. Fingers crossed.

Things Are Never The Same Again

Things are never the same after you lose a child. Everything that was theirs now has a special meaning. You find yourself just setting in their rooms with a hurt that is so unbelievable. You hold thing and sniff them in hopes to make them feel closer.

I'm seeing an orthopedic surgeon tomorrow.I'm hoping he will do the surgery so I'll be in rehab on Thanksgiving. I have had offers to go places, but my heart is just not in it. Even after the divorce I always made a big to do over the holidays. I wanted my children to have those memories to last them a life time. With my daughter half way across country and my son gone  I know it's going to be rough this year.

Everyday things have changed. I used to enjoy cooking. I never cook now. I frequently forget to eat. It like it almost makes me choke to swallow food. I'm at a decent weight now, but have been warned I shouldn't lose more. My blood work shows signs of starvation. Funny now I just want to be skinny.

I hold on to the belief that God cares for me, even if I don't understand why my life has been so difficult. It may sound like I'm complaining, but this is a safe place to let go of some of the pain.

I'm really hoping between my daughter and myself we can find enough money to get her here for Christmas. I can't think of anything that I want more. "Stuff" means less and less. Family and friends are what are really important.

Natalie Grant-Held-lyrics video

I'm So Excited!

My daughter is thinking about trying to rent a car and come down and visit for Christmas! I was thinking if we forgo Christmas presents we might be able to pool enough money together for her to come.That would be better than any present in the world. I have an extra bedroom now, so there would be a place for her and Ron to sleep. I'm just so excited about the thought of seeing her for the holidays I can hardly stand it! I'm just setting here crying like a baby. So much has gone wrong this year I'm scared to death to get my hopes up too high. She lives half way across country so it is a real big deal. I was so not looking forward to Christmas this year. It would be the greatest gift I could wish for!!!!!!!!!!!!