Friends

You Were Always There For Me

When taking Chris to the hospital before we knew how ill he was he said some of the most precious words I could have ever heard from my child. "You know little Mama you have always been there for me."  Here is what those words from Chris mean to me.

When I was a baby and needed fed, my diaper changed, a warm bath, or someones arms to cuddle in. You were always there for me.

As I became a toddler after my busy days. I needed my glow worm, a hug, and a bedtime story. You were always there for me.

I became older.  My bobo's needed kissed. I needed to know right from wrong. When I needed comfort from the loud fights and I needed to know I was loved. You would hold and kiss me. You were always there for me.

My first day of school. What an event!  New clothes, a backpack, my pencils and crayons. You walked to school with me holding my hand. A quick hug was all I needed. After school you picked me up and listen to my experiences of my first day.  Yes you were always there for me.

And then there was baseball. The games, the practices, the excitement, and the fun. The work all to get on base. Shortstop or pitcher it didn't matter to you. The pitcher mound you built in our back yard. I would wind up on the mound and you would try to catch my balls, fast, slow or wild. The ball on the pole you would swing for me to hit. The batting cages. Even my broken thumb. You were always there for me.

School could be a challenge. It was hard for me to sit in my seat. The school play. You were so proud of your little actor.  You helped me with math. You went to school conferences. You were always there for me.

As I became more independent. As I spread my wings.  My new job, new car, and ulcers. School at home. My new eating disorder. You gave me the space I needed. But still you were always there for me.

When I broke your heart and moved to Dallas to live with my dad.  You would drive halfway to Texas to make sure I had the food to eat because of my eating disorder. You were always there for me.

My long distance love. When  I made mistakes. When I moved back home. You were always there for me.

As anxiety took over my life.  When I found I could no longer work.  When I could not leave my room. You worked with me to get me help. The more I isolated myself. The more fear I had. The more I needed to be safe. You were always there for me.

As I started getting better. As I would be able to mow the lawn without a panic attack.  As I worked for Nvidia. When I took a risk to to make a trip to Nvidia. You were always there for me.

When I came home very sick. When they put me on a ventilator. You were there by my side. I could feel you softly rubbing my arm and singing to me.  When my weaken body gave up and I left this  life. As always you were there for me. Thank you little Mama for always caring and being there for me. I could always depend on you. I love you little Mama.

A Dog's Day

I do not know why I have not been able to post but I have not. Sometimes you just take life one day at a time.  I fell and hurt my hip. I have been having to use a walker to get around. Thank goodness for pain pills. I don't think I would have made it the last week without them. I guess I'm just having one of those dog day nights. lol I have been blogging too long to give it up just because I'm depressed. This will be a very short post, but I wanted to let everyone know I was still around.

A Gift

 

My therapist gave me wonderful CD called 

"Song For The Inner Child"

This was the first son on the CD

Needed A Break

Ever feel like you just needed a break?  That's were I have been for the last few days.  I'm trying to put back some broken  pieces and just could not write or even follow my blogs. I'm sorry ,but my head was not in the right place. I think I am doing a bit better so please be patient with me. More later.

Someone asked me yesterday "What is your purpose in life?"  I had to say that it was to help those that had been abused and wounded. Abuse can change the entire way a person relates to life. I know it did for me. It breaks a person. There reactions and beliefs are not the same as those who were never abused. The trust level is  so different. They frequently are repeat victims because it seems "normal". As I heal I want to share a hope of a better life.  Breaking the cycle of abuse is a deliberate choice. It takes work and therapy and the help of God. I am healing. I am not there yet, but I have come a long way. I want to give hope to those that are hurting. Part of the abuse damage is never knowing love. I am so blessed that my children taught me how to love and receive love.

Tears

Hot tears stream down my face

Washing away the pain from deep within 

My heart is breaking yet no one can see

Surrounded by a crowd but still all alone 

A smile hides the burning pain within 

A mask that melts in the darkness of my room

Alone with my tears no hiding here

My tears burn hot to cleanse and heal

The gentle touch from a kind person's hand

Loving words spoken softly help brush my tears away

These tears that only love can heal

A Rose, A Teddy Bear, Dinner, And Tears

Holidays have been bitter sweet for me since Chris' death. I am very thankful to have Alice here. She brings a smile to my face. There is still that hole that misses Chris. What did Mother's Day bring me this year? A rose, a teddy bear, dinner, and tears. Each one leaves a warm place in my heart. I hope everyone is enjoying this beautiful day. Again Happy Mother's Day.

What Mother's Day Means To Me

What Mother's Day means to me. 

I think Mother's Day should be called Children's Day.

God's greatest gift to me were my children.

To look into their eyes, to hold their little hands.

Watching them grow, play games, develop their own personalities.

Seeing their first love, grow into adults and return my love.

I know Mother's Day is a time to honor our Mothers.

Having come from a very abusive home this has been hard.

I don't have that warm fuzzy feeling.

I have forgiven my Mom and understand she did the best she could.

Still Mother's Day is all about my children.

Hearing them say  "Thanks for always being there for me."

Children are indeed a gift from God and should be treated as such.

I hope I have not offended anyone, but this is just what Mother's Day has come to mean to me.

Update

My sister has stabilize, but is not yet out of the woods. They did surgery on her kidneys so hopeful she will not have to stay on dialysis. She still has a massive infection but is doing better.

I  was unable to take the new lupus drug. I got the "runs" so bad I could not get a  few feet away from the toilet. I also developed blisters on the bottom of my feet. This was with one pill! We are going to wait a week to see what to try next. I am checking with my insurance to see if the cover the new medication she is recommending.

On a more pleasant note I feel better than yesterday. I am hoping for a peaceful weekend.

Urgent Prayer Request

 Urgent Prayer Request

My sister is in critical condition. She is in renal failure and is septic.

 

Manic Monday

 Angels Watching Over Me

Looks like it's going to be one of those manic Mondays. I went to see my rematologist today to go over my lab work and treatment plan. The good news is my lupus syndrome is not effecting my internal organs.   The bad news is that my inflammation level is worst than it has ever been. My joint and tissues are being effected. We will be starting two new medications and slowly increase on the one med every week for the next three weeks. This should help the pain and inflammation.

I heard a song on the way home that used to be one of Chris' favorite songs. I stopped by the cemetery to visit him. I miss him so much. I You Tube his song so you could see what a crazy guy he was.

We still have one more appointment to take Alice today.  She will have to use her walker today instead of her wheelchair.This will be a hard day for her.  We have started a diet which make us grumpy. Why is it always when you are on a diet you think of food all the time.

Gratitude

Gratitude:The quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness. I am trying to do this on a daily bases. Today I am thankful for my friends. Let me make a list.

1. AA
2. AJ
3. DM
4. EK
5. EB
6. J F
7. LM
8. RS
9. SF
10. SW
11. WB
12. YH

These are the people that are close to me and help me through the rough times. Never in my life have I had so many people that really care about me! I am also blessed with many cyber friends that encourage me and give me support. I have found my blog a source of healing and sharing. Thank you all for listening to me. It really means a lot to me to be able to open up and share the secrets of my heart.  Your comments are taken to heart and have been very healing.

Domestic Violence - My Story

My blog is a place to heal, share and grow. In therapy this is what I'm working on. If one person can be helped by my story then it is worth sharing. This may be upsetting to some, so read in a safe place.

I was young and recovering from an abusive childhood. I meet my knight in shinning armor. He was tall, blonde and had big brown eyes. He told me I was cute and I ate that up. We had a whirlwind romance and were married in 6 months. What could be better? He was a preacher kid and we meet in church. 

After a short period of time he hit me in the face. What did I do? I must have deserved it. It was my fault I am sure. The next day flower came and he said he was sorry. This would never happen again but it did! This continued for awhile but things got worst.

After one of our fights I ran out of the apartment. He tackled me on the front lawn. It was no contest because he was over 6 foot and I was only 5 foot 2 inches. As he was dragging me back to the apartment a neighbor yelled at him. He replied "It's OK she's my wife". He drugged me up to the apartment, ripped my clothes off and proceeded to brutally rape me. Curled up in a fetal position I thought "It's OK she's my wife."n

I began nursing school and worked full time. People begin to question why I was covered with bruises. Of course I had fallen down stairs a number of time.  He decided to have an affair so we separated about 6 months. He had "changed" and promised he would never hit me or have an affair again. Was I stupid ? Yes!

We soon started a family. All was going well with the birth of my first child.  Two and a half years latter I became pregnant with my second child. He then started hitting me on  the top of my head and telling me how fat and stupid I was.When you are hit on the top of your head it leaves no marks.

The worst thing I remember was being shoved out of the car. As I was walking down the street bloody and confused he pulled up beside me and said " Take these damn kids". We walked to ER where I said I had a car accident. DHS was called and we spent the night in a shelter.

We then agreed something had to change. We agreed to start going to church and seeing counseling. This was wonderful. We had family dinners together, went to church together, and enjoyed the kids ball games. Unfortunately this didn't last too long.

The last beating my son called the police. I knew then this was effecting the children so it had to end. The police took the kids and I to a safe house. I filed a protective order and started the divorce proceedings. I always felt the kids were safe, but it left emotional scars. I really wish I had gotten out sooner and was not so afraid of my ex husband.I feel very lucky that I got out alive and my children were never physically injured.





 

Therapy

Therapy has been very difficult the last few weeks. It has taken my mind to a darker place. Remembering  painful images has caused me to be very edgy and sleep deprived. I also believe that physically not feeling well contributes to the problem. My therapist is telling me I am doing good work and this will help me heal. Sometimes I think I am just too old for this. I guess there is no age limit on being whole. My goal for healing is to be able to help and encourage other so I guess it is worth the discomfort now.

Humpty Dumpty

  

"Humpty  Dumpty set on a wall
My first four years of life
Innocent and pure

s

Humpty Dumpty took a great fall
12 years of childhood  sexual, physical, and mental abuse 

24 years of marital sexual, physical, and mental abuse
{Domestic Violence}
 Rejections 

The death of my beloved son

All the king's horses and all the king's men

 Friends and family
My children

The good things in my life
Church

Therapy

Couldn't put Humpty back together again"
God can You put me back together again?

Ups And Downs

Its totally crazy that the least little thing can put me on an emotional roller coaster.

I have found something I really enjoyed doing. It's fabric painting. My first attempt was a set of pillow cases for a dear set of friends. I wish I had scanned them so  I could have posted them. They weren't perfect, but I think they are pretty good. They were pink flowers on a green vein. I have an idea for some tee shirts I want to try. It is so much fun!

I got very upset about a lawn care notice I got today.  I called the complex and the said it was just "trim" notice. They apparently did not like how it was trimmed.  A friend does my lawn care and there is NO WAY I'm going to say anything to him! My complex can be so anal.
 
Therapy was really rough today. I  really hope talking about some of this stuff will be helpful. My therapist told me to call her if things got too rough. She was also checking to make sure I have a good  support system in place. She wanted to know about my weekend plans to make sure I was not alone. I told her about my small group meeting on Sunday and she just wanted to make sure I stayed safe.

I Not Sure What To Do

I'm really not sure what to do. I have been having a lot of pain from my arthritis and lupus syndrome. I am having difficulty walking. My SED rate is very elevated. This measures inflammation. My doctor is talking about starting me on a new drug. The problem is the medication can be dangerous and has a lot of side effects. I know one person on the drug and it makes her very sick the day she takes it. It is only taken one day  a week. The medicine really helps her the rest of the week and she is able to carry on a normal life style. I am not sure it is worth the risks. I see the doctor in a couple of weeks and that is when we will make the decision. I will be praying that I make the right decision.

On another note, my cat had what looked like a tumor growing on his belly. I took him to the vet today to find out it was just a large fat pad. Boy did I feel stupid. We are suppose to slowly cut back the amount of food he eats. He is NOT a happy camper! He cries like a baby for more food and rubs against the cabinet the food is kept in. I guess this will just be a slow project.

I am a little nervous about my therapy appointment this week. I had a lot of intense homework that stirred up a lot of emotions. I do want to heal. I guess anything worth having takes some work and pain to get to the final result.

What God Had To Say

I tried writing a letter to God.I discovered I had too many questions that I had no answers to. I also discover that my questions made me angry. I know God knows this and excepts me as I am, but I was too angry with God to share the letter.
Here is the letter God wrote to me:

Dearest Wanda,
 I know all your pain. I know how broken and damaged you are from all that has happen to you. I know you are angry and hurt that I did not prevent these horrible things that happened to you. Your brokenness and damage can be healed. You are not too damaged to heal. Yes it will take faith, love of friends, hard work, and therapy to fix all the damage that has been done, but it is possible. Don't give up because you are worth the effort.
You deserve to heal because you have so much goodness and love inside you. You can help other broken people. You have already had a positive influence on many lives. You truly deserve the peace that comes from healing.
You are worthy to heal. Your life can be a blessing to other wounded people. Your kindness and love for others makes you so worthy to heal.
My desire is for you to be healed and whole.
Love,
God     

A Letter From God

In therapy I was given the assignment to write a letter from God. The letter is suppose to contain three items. 

1. Why I deserve to heal
2. Why I am not to damaged to heal
3. Why I am worthy to heal

I have always thought of myself as "damaged goods". I have never thought of myself as deserving to be whole or worthy to be healed. I have some how felt that all the things that have happened in my life were some how my fault. If I had been stronger or a better person these things would not have happened. I have never thought of myself as loveable or deserving of love. I have always been afraid of  God. I have thought Jesus was cool, but have been fearful of letting go and trusting God. A bit crazy right? When I get the letter done I might post it. I am having some difficulty composing the letter.

The Ramp That Soutpark Built!

Men Starting To Build The Deck 

A Work In Progress

 Neither Rain Nor Sunshine Will Stop This Project

 A Step Closer

Alice Ready For A Test Drive

 Ready To Take The Old Deck Away
THANK YOU SOUTHPARK!
A Special Thanks To Joel Who Headed The Project

It Hurts

Somebody just knocked at my door looking for Chris. They said '' you know your son that builds computes."
 Yes they were looking for my Chris. They described him to a tee.They said they thought they say him a  few days ago. I had to tell them he was gone and that the were mistaken about seeing him. I couldn't help it, I cried. It still hurts so bad! I miss him so much.

Sooo Exhausted!

I'm so exhausted. It's been 48 hours with zero sleep and I'm only getting 2-3 hours sleep on "good" nights! I'm feeling pulled in so many directions that I think I'm going to come apart at the seams. I guess my anxiety  level is through the roof. I'm so tired I actually started crying because I needed to do some grocery shopping. I just couldn't do it! I am in severe physical pain due to a flare up of my lupus. My balance is really off too. I fell in the bathtub and really bruised both of my legs. I looked up some side effects of some of my medications and that might be some of the problem. I see my physician on Thursday and am going to talk with him about this. Friday and Saturday I'm going to spend some time at my friends house to give myself a break. I just need some FUN! 

Why Don't I Remember?

Can anyone relate to not remembering traumatic events? I talked with my best friend and sister today and both of them told me about events that I just can't remember. The one event was only about 15 years ago when I asked my friend to borrow some money to bail my X out of jail. I just don't remember it at all. I can't remember why he was in jail or anything about it!

My sister was telling all sorts of things that I just don't remember. I do know my childhood was very traumatic. I know my step dad was cruel and sexually abused both my sister and I, but mostly from what I have been told. I can only remember one horrible sexual assault my step dad made. Mostly my mind is a big blank slate.

The most traumatic event ever in my life was when my Chris died. I can remember every detail and emotion I felt. Maybe it's true that there is nothing more traumatic than the death of your child. Maybe that is why the pain is so great even today.

I was just wondering if this was just a coping skill I developed when I was young just to block every thing bad out of my life. I'm am just curious if this has happened to anyone else.

It Died!

My computer just died. It started giving me all these errors, then it just died. I'm using Alice's laptop. It's going to take me about 6 months before I can afford a new one. I hate that the computer died because Chris gave the computer. Yes I cried. RIP computer. I'm glad Alice loaned me her laptop.

At Peace

I am kind of at peace despite all that is going on in my life. I know I have done every thing I can do so the rest is in Jesus' hands. I am still not sleeping which I know that my body will finally just give in and I will sleep. My depression seems better and my anxiety is at a lower level. I think that just letting go and realizing I done my best has given me a peace. Believe me when I say there is still a lot going on! I am praying that I can hold on to this peace. Worrying seems to be my second nature, so I'm basting in this peace. Here is hoping tonight will be the night that sleep will come. Take care my friends and I will update you later.

Therapy

I have been working on a PTSD  workbook in therapy.  It is very intense. I am gaining some insight on why I think the way I do. Facing the traumas that I have experienced is causing some distress. I know facing these thing will only make me stronger and take some power away from the events. Wish me luck as I embark on this journey.

Hugs

I used to  hate to be touched. I had been hurt by so many hands that I would cringe when anyone would touch me. Having been abused at the hands of my mother, step father, and my ex husband I was afraid  that no one could be trusted. My former pastor and now dear friend  was the first one to let me know that all people need to be touched.. A hand on the shoulder, a gentle hug was something that  every human needs. From the time we are infants and through out entire life we need a loving touch. When you can't tell bad touch from a good one you begin to fear all human contact. I still have some problems with this, but I'm beginning to trust some dear friends to give me a hug and feel safe. I still have a  way to go but I am making progress.

Better

I think I'm better and getting stronger. I just don't understand why I have such highs and lows. It seems no matter how hard I try I just fall into these deep, dark depressions. I have a wonderful support system and am in therapy. The emotional roller coaster is very exhausting. It seems like sometimes I just totally shut down. It seems like so many people stay up all the time. They are able to over come those things that have happened to them. I struggle. The last few days have been difficult. I just can't give up. I will continue to fight. I'm worth it.

Yes!!!!

Alice's lungs are a little better today. They are starting her on breathing treatments to make sure the airways keep open. So a little better is good news.

The  guys from my church that are going to build a ramp went and observed some carpenters this weekend. It sounds like that went well and they have some good ideas. I feel so blessed.

It has been pouring down rain all day. I'm sure we looked so funny with Alice soothing down the stairs. It was just too slick for her to use the crutches on the steps. We looked like drowned rats by the time we got in the car. Well at least we made it to the doctor's office!

We Need Each Other

More and more I'm learning how much we need each other. Kind words or a hug can change a bad day into a good one. I have always felt I could make it on my own, but more and more I realize how much I need others. We are not islands. What we do affects others. There are indeed times in each of our lives we need someone to lean on. In return our experiences can help someone else.

Sick

Alice has pneumonia. She is not in the hospital, but at home. She is very sick. She sees her doctor Monday. I can not help but worry because Chris died from pneumonia. I know far more people that have gotten over this than have not. Still I worry.

I am so tired. I'm trying to catch up from two lost days of sleep. You sure can't loose two whole nights of sleep very often.

In therapy yesterday we spent a lot of time on relaxation techniques. I was so stressed out.  I really needed to unwind. I feel very lucky to have my therapist because she really cares.

Stressed

I am starting to feel stressed. I am trying to keep all my positive self talk and gratitude journal. I am still struggling. I've just got so much going on and I just don't feel good. I am  very tired. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I think I'm going to talk to him about my stress level. I also see my therapist Friday and plan to unload on her.

I saw my cardiologist today. He only made some minor medication changes. I need lab work done in two weeks and see him again in three months. I was hoping it would be a yearly visit.

Still waiting to hear from Oklahoma City to see if they can help Alice. I guess it just the hurry up and wait game. Gee I just need to be patient, after all it only been one day.

Spring has sprung around here. It got up to 80 degrees today. Just a few days ago it was raining and very cold. Only in Oklahoma. lol

    

Spotted Pig

I had to go to ER last night due to a medication reaction. I was very short of breath.They gave me some IV medication to help my breathing. Today I look like a spotted pig because of the rash. I see the cardiologist Tuesday to see what the next step is.

My daughter is still no better. We have a wheelchair so at least she can get out of her bedroom. We are waiting on the specialist to see what the next steps are. Needless to say she is very depressed. 

We got a lot of rain the last two days which we really needed. I was able to go to my small group meeting with the church tonight which was very up lifting. Will keep you updated.

Out Of The Hospital

I'm finally out of the hospital. I was one very lucky lady. My heart was fluttering at a very rapid, unsafe rhythm. I'm on some new medications which should control the heart rate. I have a ton of appointments the next couple of weeks.

Alice is really having problems. She feel at the hospital and since that time her right leg is numb. No feeling what so ever! She is trying to get around for very short distances on her crutches, but she has almost fallen several times. We had to get the fire department to get her out of the car. They put her on short term steroids to see if that helps.This is scary.

In The Hospital

I can't believe I'm in the hospital! Yesterday I started feeling a funny feeling in my chest. It was kind of like a pain. I was just going to blow it off, but had second thoughts. It good thing,because my  heart was in a irregular rhythm and a rate of 200 beats per minutes. They are giving medication IV that has slowed my rate down.  I am going to have some testing done and try some oral medication. I am making this a short post because I don't feel that good. Talk with you later.

Lunch With My Girlfriends

I had lunch with my girlfriends today and it was great! It was nice to kick back and enjoy just "girl talk". We all ate too much, but it was soooo good! The beautiful weather we are having was just the icing on the cake.

I am still not sleeping well, but my psychiatrist made a minor medication adjustment. I told him that it made me nervous because I did not want to go in that deep depression again. I am still a bit manic and not sleeping that well. He also said that the lack of sleep is why I am having sever headaches. With all that said I still prefer a sight mania to the severe depression.

 I  feel so at peace with the world right now.  It's a good feeling. Hope everyone has a good day!  

Growing Pains

Sometimes things can be really hard to deal with. You wonder why you must go through somethings. Life can feel unfair. I believe that everything fits into a bigger plan. We may not see the answer  at the time. We may not see it this side of heaven. I have to believe God is in control. Life happens, both good and bad. You chose if you will get better or bitter. As I have continued to grow I have sometimes questioned, Why? Today I feel that all that I have been through has made me a strong person. I also feel I am very understanding and able to see other people's pain. Through my pain I can help others. I can listen and be there for others. Never give up!

Ouch!

I am so sore from using muscles that I haven't used in a long time. My mind is still very stimulated but my body just won't cooperate. I really don't like this feeling other than the fact I am getting some much needed paper work done. I would love to go shopping but don't really have any money to spend. It's hard to shop on your looks alone. lol

It is such a beautiful day. The sun is shinning and birds are singing. There are even some robins red breast out. That means spring is just around the corner. We have had such a mild winter. I hope that doesn't mean 110 degree summer. It's just too nice of a day to worry about anything. Happy  weekend to everybody and enjoy yourself!

High Energy

My energy level is really high right now. You would think with not sleeping it would be the opposite. This is the best I have felt in months! I have already stripped my bed, done laundry, vacuumed, cleaned my stove, and cleaned my car. The only problem is I am shaking like a leaf. It is hard to type because I am shaking so badly. I put in a call to my psychiatrist because of the not sleeping.  He agrees with me and thinks I'm on the edge of being manic. He did a slight med adjustment and see what is going to happen. If I could just stay this way it wouldn't be bad. In fact I enjoy the high energy after the long period of depression. I have to get my last load out of the dryer so until the next time,take care.

Not Sleeping Again

I'm starting to have problems sleeping again. This is the way my manic phase begins. I am hoping I am not  going into another mania. I'm trying to decide if I should call my doctor or just wait till I see him next week. It's not real bad yet, but I really don't feel like going through the mania which leads to a really bad crash.

On the another note is the price of gas! The last few days it has been going up about seven cents every other day. I am afraid this is going to cause everything else to go up in price. We really need a break in the economy.

I think I have the world moodiest cat. She  can be purring up a storm while you pet her, then she will turn and bite you. She is such a strange cat but I love her.  

Ugh, I think I'm having problems with my lap top! It locked up awhile a go and now I'm having trouble shutting down. I hope it's not anything serious, because I sure don't have the money to replace it.Happy hump day everyone

Monday

Monday, a beginning of a new week. A time to reflect on last week. A time to regroup. Truly the beginning of the rest of your life or at least a new week. Each day is an opportunity to be stronger. A day to put the past behind us.
I used to hate Mondays, but now I can look at things differently. It is just a new day and a new beginning.

When It Seens God Does't Hear Us

Emotional Pain

                                                                                              

 Why is emotional pain so much harder to deal with than physical pain? You can talk to yourself, read God's Word, try to sing a song, and yet it comes at you like a ragging river. The thoughts seem to come from a foreign place, a dark place inside your head. False guilt engulfs you. You think of things that you could have, or should have done better. You start to believe everything that has happen is some how your fault. Therapy and music seems to help you escape for a short period of time.Then the tears hit you. You cry a river and sadness over whelms you. You are getting better, but there is so much yet to over come.You know you are healing, but it seems so slow. With God's help, therapy, and time you will be whole.

 

In Jail In My Head

I frequently find myself in jail of my own  head. All the "bad tapes" run through my head. I can not see what others see in me. I feel dirty and unworthy of love. I blame myself for everything that happen in my childhood. I have pronounced myself guilty of being a bad mother, my son's death, being a terrible boss, and the cause of a failed marriage. I question my own self worth. I try to listen to the good things I hear, but I find those "old tapes" are so deeply ingrained in my mind that I can't set myself free. I am trying to learn new tapes. I am trying to stop the "stink en think en". I am worthy of love and it is insane to believe all  those things that I have pronounced myself guilty of. Each day is a new day to restore that which has been lost.

We Are Never Alone

I'm Back

I really enjoyed the time with my friends. It was good to have no responsibility for the last few days. I feel my mood is beginning to improve and I am less depressed than I have been. The new medication seems to be helping. We are still not at a therapeutic dose, but I am encouraged and more hopeful than I have been in months. I am going to keep busy this weekend to help with my mood.

I want to thank everybody for all the encouragement they have given me. I am so thankful for all my cyber friends. Today it is easier to see all the things I have to be thankful for. My therapist has encourage me to make a gratitude journal. I think here is a great place to do it.

1. I am thankful for all my friends that have stood beside me in thick and thin.
2. I am thankful for my loving daughter Alice,
3. I am thankful for the time I had with Chris.
4. I am thankful for enough food to eat.
5. I am thankful for my home.
6. I am thankful for my psychiatrist and therapist.
7. I am thankful for my extended family.
8. I am thankful that God loves me in spite of all my faults.
9. I am thankful that my car is still running.
10. I am thankful that I got a small tax return and did not have to pay the government.

Spending Some Time With A Friend

As anyone knows that has been following my blog knows I have been really struggling with depression. I am going to spend some time with a friend and take a short break from the everyday life. I think this would be good for me and it sure beats going to the hospital again. My therapist strongly suggested I take a break to avoid going to the hospital. This will give the medicine time to work and build up to a therapeutic level in my blood stream. I will be off line for a while, so don't worry about me. Thanks everybody for your encouragement and support.

Hoding On

I wasn't going to blog until I felt better, but at this point I'm not sure when that is going to be. I see my doctor today and hope he can give me some answer as to when I can expect the medicine to help. This has been the longest  time I have gone feeling this depressed in a long time. It's hard to hold on to any hope, but that is what  I must do. I am trying to be grateful for what is right in my life, it's just really hard when you are in the black hole of depression.