Some Good And Some Bad

My eyes are improving everyday. I had the second surgery Tuesday and there has already been some improvement in my vision. My sister-in-law paid to fix the steps up to my mobile home because they were unsafe. I am very grateful for the help the church has given me when I could not see to drive. These are some things to be thankful for. Therapy on the other hand is not going that well. I'm trying. I really am. I try to think of the good things, but I still hurt so badly about losing Chris. I believe Jesus is telling me he is safe in His arms, but I miss him so much. I keep thinking I should be farther along than I am. My therapist therapist thinks I need more grief counseling,but I really can't afford it and I don't really think it will help. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life. The abuse was hard,but this has been worst. I want to stop crying and remember all the joy he brought to my life.

Thanks Mike!

I just got this to day from Mike and I want to pass it on to all of you out there that keep me going!

I Slipped Up

I did something I haven;t done in months. I went on an eating binge then purged. I have been restricting for a while, but I became so stressed over more bad news I just lost control. I feel so guilty and ashamed of myself. Today is a new day so I will try to do better. I have a early morning surgery on my right eye. I am waiting for my ride to the hospital.l right now it will go fine. My left eye is great and I;m already seeing better.

Maybe I'm Not That Bad

I beginning to believe (just a little bit) maybe who I am is not all that bad. I have always had so much self hatred. I was never good enough. I was too fat, too ugly, not smart enough, and not worth loving. I still struggle with these lies. These are messages from my past. It takes a long time to "unlearn" these messages. The voices can some times be so loud I want to hurt myself or just end it all. The real trick is to hold on, one day at at a time until I can learn the truth. I want to believe someday I will no longer be uncomfortable with who I am. Healing can be slow, but I do believe it is worth the work. I know there are some things that will never change. I will always be bipolar and may be always struggle with food issues. I will try each day to think something positive about myself. It is a path to healing that I must choose.

Physical Pain

I have been in a lot of physical pain today. My auto immune disease is in full flare right now. I hurt with every movement. In spite of the pain I have been very thankful for the help of people in my life. The days I couldn't drive I had a friend bring me a couple of meals. Little things can mean so much to you when you can't "take care of business." We all need others in our lives. Some times I feel so alone since I have no family in the state. I have been sleeping alot, but I guess I really needed that. I am so thankful for all the encouragement I get from my blogging friends. My best friend doesn't understand why I blog. She also thinks it is dangerous, but I think it is a "life line". Sharing our hopes and are struggles we are bounded together.

Boxed Emotions

For the past few days I have been unable to deal with a flood of emotions I have been having. So as in the past I have "boxed" them up in my mind and not dealing with anything. I am afraid I can not handle what I am feeling, so if they are boxed away I won't have to deal with it right now. It is so hard to do anything . I guess I'm lucky this happen right now after my eye surgery, because I am just not functioning. I am afraid to feel anything right now.

Follow Up Appointment

There is still one place in my eye that may need some laser treatment later on. The type of cataracts I have are more difficult to treat than the "normal" kind. My vision on the eye chart had already improved 1 line so he is very hopeful. I see him again to check that eye one more time before they schedule surgery on the right eye. All in all I think things went well. Seems like there are a lot of eye drops. but seeing is well worth taking. all the drops! I'm a bit worried that I seem hungry all the time. Maybe that will go away soon. My weight was up a little bit this morning so I guess I really have to watch what I eat today. Thank you for all remembering me. I hawe to admit sometimes I'm a chicken at heart.

One Down and One To Go

I just got home from surgery. The doctor said all went well. I'm am still a little groggy. Half of my face is still numb. I think I'm go rest for awhile. Maybe I can get some rest now that it is over for another week until I have the other eye done. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.

What a Horrible Day!

Today has been horrible. I meet my new psychiatrist today and we had to go through all my history. He starting me on a new antidepressant, but said it could cause weight gain. I told him I would not take it if it does! He also started talking ECT. Again I said I will never do that again. The side effect were horrible. He kept asking me if I was "safe". I'm depressed. No I'm not going to be all cheerful in his office. Then he started talking about Chris' death. I lost it big time! Don't people get it? He was my son and I loved him with all my heart. Give me a break! He had read my chart before I saw him so he knew I was a basket case. He asked how my chronic pain played into my depression. When you hurt all the time you just aren't jumping with joy. "Do you have a gun in your house?" NO. Gee. Immediately after his appointment I saw my therapist. She told me to "watch it because I was getting too thin" Again since I was already crying she was "concerned" about my safety. Again we talked about Chris and how different my reaction was when I lost my mother. She reminded me that my mother was abusive and that I never really had a love bound with her. Talk about feeling like the scum of the earth. Everybody loves their mother. I guess I never got over some of the things she had done. She reminded me the only real love I have ever know in my life was my children. She also reminded me that the many times I had consider suicide the main reason I never killed myself was the love for my children. Yes I admit suicidal thoughts have been going through my mind the last few weeks, but I could NOT put Alice through losing her brother and mother all in the same year. Both my therapist and psychiatrist said they could understand why my faith in God was shaken, but admired me for still holding on. After crying for two hours in therapy, I had to go find out what time my surgery is tomorrow. I had to wait around that office for over an hour to get my eye marked and my surgery time. I guess I just tried to do too much in one day. My surgery time is 9:45 tomorrow please remember me and forgive me for all this ranting.

Confused

I really don't know what I'm feeling right now. Anxiety, confusion, and very unsure of myself. I see my new psychiatrist in about 2 hours and I'm not looking forward to that at all. I am really tired of being so messed up and just don't want to go through the whole thing again with another person. The depression has been bad. I try to act like I'm OK, because I think that is what is "expected" of me. Be strong. Be brave. I wonder if I'm getting better. I feel like I'm in a fog. I'm just stumbling through life right now. Maybe this guy will be OK. I have a hard time talking with men, so that's increaseing my anxiety. I'm letting him know up front I will never have ECT again, no matter how bad the depression is. I have to go to the eye doctor after the appointment to get the surgery time for tomorrow and my eye marked. Thank you all for being here with me. You have really help me and I do so appreciate it.

Touch

Touch and loving is something we all need. If we have been physically or sexually abuse as a child we don't know how to respond to touch. We don't know how to give love in this way. Our whole being cries out for it, but we are afraid of it. Trust is damaged. It can even effect our trust in a God who loves and cares for us. Each time we reach out there is fear. Will we be hurt again? I'm not "good enough" to deserve love of any kind. Damaged. I have noticed when someone wants to hug me I pull away. It is fear. Fear of being hurt again. We make it hard for people to get close. I know I'm working on this. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I want to be able to feel kindness and goodness. I want to know that I am OK.

Tried To Eat

I tried to eat some lunch today and it made me sick. It was shrimp and I was only able to take a couple of bites. What a waste of money $10 for two bites of shrimp and a diet coke. I thought if I ate something maybe I would feel better. Besides I was worried about having to weigh in at doctor's office Monday. I lost a few more pounds and I don't think he going to be too happy. Believe me I'm not skin and bones, but I have loss way too much weight too fast. You see once I started lossing I became obessed with it. You would think at my age I would know better. Controling my intake seemed like a better option than cutting myself, which I am really struggling with. I am so tired of being"sick". I just want to be normal and happy with who I am. I'm so tired of being depressed. It just sucks the life out of you. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Getting a Cold

I appear to be getting a cold. Sneezing, coughing and body aches. I called to see if that would make a difference about my surgery on Tuesday and the nurse said not to worry about it that everything should be OK. I'm really tired. I guess I'm just not sleeping that well. I meet my new psychiatrist Monday and also have a meeting with my therapist. Then surgery on my left eye Tuesday. I sure hope I'm feeling better soon. It is even painful to type. Have a great weekend everyone!

I Neeed This

This picture was sent to me a few minutes ago and I wanted to share it with all my friends that are also struggling.

Struggling

I was told I would have those days when I would really struggle with Chris' death. Even after things had been going along pretty good for a while. I know I'll never be completely over his loss. Days like today are almost unbearable. Everything in this house reminds me of him. If I could just hold him in my arms one more time and tell him how much I love him. I know my life is going on, but it just isn't the same without him. I need to go through some of his DVD'S and mail some to his sister. I know she would enjoy them, but not today. Since I can't stop crying, I guess I'll stop typing for now. Chris' best friend was the one on the right (Ken).

Today

My Autoimmune Disease must be really messed up right now. I'm in a lot of pain and very fatigue. I know my last lab work did not come back all that good. With my up coming eye surgeries they did not want to change too many of my medicine. Today turned out to be a busy day. I just can't do too may "busy" days in a row. I hoping for a good night sleep tonight. I found a mistake in my checking account. Both my old insurance and my new insurance have been deducting a payment,so I had to get that taken care of today. I had my eye appointment and was totally out of food so I had to go to the store. Someone from the church is dropping by shortly to see if he can fix a bad place in my deck. Well another day almost done.

I'm Exhausted!

I didn't sleep well last night and today was my day to volunteer at SPCA. I only help out 4-5 hours in the office but that is exhausting to me. I did spend some time in the cat room. One jumped up on my back all the way by my neck. I didn't think I was going to get that little fellow off me. I really needed to go to Wal Mart , but that will have to wait until tomorrow. I get fitted for my lenses tomorrow. They have to do an A scan and that will take about 40 minutes or so.

Abuse or Curse?

Did abuse or is my family just cursed cause all the problems? My sister E has had two cancer surgeries. Her son is now in prison for "three strikes your out"rule for petty drug use. Alcoholism runs in my family. My brother E struggles with alcoholism and had a twenty one year old son commit suicide. My youngest brother W a recovering alcoholic is sickly also. He has an autistic son and another child that was sexual molested. What did mental illness and abuse have to do with how this family turned out? My sister's son like myself is bipolar. You have heard my story from childhood abuse, mental illness, loss of health,marriage to an abusive pedophile,my daughter's abuse ,and the loss of my own son. I still feel guilty over Chris' death.Like I was somehow to blame. I'm very tired. I have never turned a way from what ever has come up, but I'm beginning to wear down. I keep holding on. God please hold me up, because I can not go on in my own strength.

In loving memory of those whose lives were forever changed on 9/11.

Unsure

I'm feeling so unsure of myself the last few days. I'm afraid to make a move right or left. I don't have a plan. Even in the worst of times I have had a plan, but right now I just don't know what to do next. Therapy doesn't seem to be helping. Don't get me wrong I'm very glad my therapist was there for me when Chris died,but I don't seem to be able to put in words what is going on in my mind. I know I'm withdrawing more and more. I can't seem to take care of business. I'm just not functioning. I just don't know what to do. The painting above I make a few years ago. It showed that in the worst of life's storms there was always a light. I just can not find it right now!

Suicide Prevention Day

So many lives are loss each day to suicide. My family has experienced what suicide of a love one can do. Many of us suffer from depression and other mental illnesses. We need to hold each other up. I myself have attempted suicide and totally believe no matter how bad things seem, life is a much better option. Love and support someone today. The National Suicide Prevention number is posted on my side bar if you are ever feeling that is the only answer. I have called there myself and they will find you help.

This and That

I want to apologize for not getting around to everyone blog or even posting myself. I am having a real hard time seeing the computer. Also please forgive any typos.

I saw my therapist today and she is very concerned that I'm not getting enough nutrition. I on the other hand was very happy because the pair of jeans I had to buy today were 4 sizes smaller than what I wore at this time last year. She feels my grief with Chris is getting a little better, but did not feel like I was well enough to deal with the sexual abuse issue. She warned me that the holidays were going to be really rough. Like tell me something I don't know.

I will be glad to get this eye surgery done because it is really getting scary how fast my vision is going down hill. I can hardly see the computer and can no longer see street signs. I live alone so I have got to be able to get around!

It Night Time Again.

It is night time again and I'm wide awake. I guess the truth is I'm afraid of night time. Most of the bad things that ever happen to me happened at night, or at least before the dawn of morning. My friend says having a gun at her bedside makes her feel safe. Can't you just see that? A severely depressed bipolar with a gun. I won't even keep sharp objects in my house because I do not trust myself. I long to feel safe, but have yet to find a way to do this. You see Chris even died before dawn. I hate night. That is when all the abuse took place. At least that is what I remember. The words of a song that was going through my head was "Count your blessing inside of sheep". I try so hard,yet I feel like such a failure. I wish I could just relax and sleep at night, Fear and anxiety are terrible things. The drugs they have given me in the past only make me sleepy the next day and I still have trouble at night. I will mess around on my computer a bit longer then try again to go to sleep.

Happy Labor Day

Happy Labor Day everyone. Hope you have had a good day. I've been a slug today. No energy. I guess I needed the rest. There is a nice cool breeze outside. I pulled a few more weeds today, but my heart wasn't in it. I discovered a place on my deck that I'm going to have to get fixed. UGH more money. I got to talk to my "baby" brother late last night. We are the emotional ones in the family. It was sure good to hear his voice. This is going to be a busy month with a lot of doctor appointments. I think that is all I'll be doing is running from one doctor to another. Again I hope everyone had a great Labor Day!

Enough Is Enough

Enough is enough! I have had my share of bad things happen. I've seen sexual abuse destroy both mine and my daughter lives. I believe evil is a very real thing, but I therefore believe that the opposite must also be true. It is a battle. My trust has been severely damaged, but I must not give up. I hurt emotionally and physically almost everyday of my life. We need each other. We need to be able to say I care about you. I miss Chris terribly.I don't know why he was taken so young with so much to live for. I so gladly would have given my life for him. I don't know if I will ever understand why things have been like they have. I do believe with the help of God I can over come. I have to hold on to this. I wish I had never married my ex husband. If I had only know he was a pedophile. I would have saved Alice from a lot of pain. I am glad he is in prison serving 50 years for what he has done. Maybe some think I am wrong and unforgiving. He has hurt so many including my own children. My step dad never served a day for what he did, but he died early. Maybe that was his just reward. Maybe I am bitter. I do not mean to be. I'm just so sad most of the time. I believe people can heal with therapy and God's help. It is sometimes much slower than we want. I have had enough for me and my family. It is time for something good to happen and I'm going to do as much as I can to make that true.

No Whining Today

I promised myself I would do a post without whining. I've been up and done a little more this morning. I have cut down some weeds. Took my ex sister in law to pick up a rental car and went to visit Chris, I've worked a little bit on picking up the house. My daughter spirits where better last night when I talked to her. I'm still concerned she is being used by these people that promised her a truck. She got a new game on line to play. Her computer is her life line since she has such difficulty walking. I am suppose to go with my sister in law tonight to listen to some gospel music. I really enjoy music and this should be a good break. I meet my new neighbor and he seems really nice. I have not meet his wife yet because they are not totally moved in. That lot has been vacant for almost a year. He told me they had two dog so they would be putting up a fence. Well that has been my day thus far. See I can actually post without whining!

Over Whelming Loneliness

I'm having trouble sleeping tonight and I am filled with a over whelming sense of loneliness. I feel so alone although I know this is not really true. Maybe it's the empty house. The loss of laughter here. Tears are streaming down my cheeks as I try to type what I am feeling. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the night. I will try to cuddle my blanket and pretend all is well. I must learn how to comfort myself, but it is so hard to do. I have tried praying. Remembering kind acts, but still I feel so alone. I'm so lonely it actually cause pain in my chest. I will try again to find a peaceful place in my mind and try to go to sleep.

Scary

It's really scary how fast my vision is decreasing. I found today I can no longer read street signs until I'm right on top of them and still sometimes I can not read them even then. My surgery is set up for the first eye on Sept 21 and the second eye on Sept 28. I hope I can still see by that time. I just got home from the SPCA. They had this one cat there that really had an attitude when it was with the rest of the cats, but it was as sweet as can be when it was allowed out of the cat room by himself. The little dog that they say is not adoptable because he snaps at people is starting to get to know me and let me pet him today. I really do enjoy the animals. My cats can always tell when I've been around the other animals. I'm having trouble eating again. I guess when I have a lot going on I just have those "old" problems again. I saw a friend that I had not seen since Chris' memorial service and she barley recognized me because of how much weight I've lost. Funny thing is I still want to lose more. My best friend is gripping at me because she know me and my food issues too well. On the bright side a friend of mine gave me a beautiful framed 8x10 of Chris' with some of his friends. It really meant a lot to me.