The Year in Review

As I look back over the past year there were many changes. There was some personal growth and some hard times. Being on disability has been a real adjustment for me. As a former workaholic, the adjustment has been very difficult. My job had always defined me. It was who I was. Learning this year that there was more to me than just a job has been difficult. My bi-polar disorder has been so uncontrolled this year and the lupus like symptoms have caused me a lot of problems also.
One good physical thing was I lost 50lbs. (Christmas may have put a couple back on). My faith has grown stronger this year and I am trusting a few people which is new for me. I am seeing a new therapist and have high hope this will teach me more new coping skills. I have enjoyed following so many of my blogging friends this year. My year is ending on a note of hope and feeling that more growth will follow next year.

Happy Birthday Jesus! Merry Christmas to ALL!

Funny Christmas Story

People that know me know that I am always try to do something I should get help with. I am not very tall, only 5' 2'', so I decide to put up this 7'6" tree by myself. You know the type too impatient to wait for help. Finally I managed to get all the part together. The tree was in the stand and miracle of miracle I got all the light working. Being rather pleased with my handy work I was down on my knees putting the tree skirt around the tree, when the whole tree feel on top of me. Thinking not so merry Christmas thoughts I scrambled from under the tree. Since the tree was still in one piece I decide I would try to stand that 71/2foot monster back up and tighten the screws on the stand. wow! It was done. I looked a little worst for wear. Finally all of the ornaments and tinsel were in place. The tree was firmly standing by the fireplace and all was well.

THANKFUL

1. I'm thankful for a God who cares for me.
2. I'm thankful for my children whom I love dearly.
3. I'm thankful for my friend who stand by me when things are rough.
4. I'm thankful for doctors who take care of my physical and mental needs.
5. I'm thankful for my blogging pals and the good advise they give.
6. I'm thankful for a roof over my head and a warm place to sleep at night.
7. I'm thankful for a car that gets me where I need to go.
8. I'm thankful for food on the table.
9. I'm thankful for chocolate.
10. I'm most thankful knowing that there are those that love and care about me.
    

Trying to Stay Out of the Hospital

Hi everyone. Sorry I have been out of touch. They are still having trouble adjusting my medications and I'm having difficulty paying for them. Maybe the new President will have a better plan to pay for expensive drugs for the "middle class" (I use that term lightly-since I really come closer to the poverty level.) But I won't get into that less I offend someone. My moods are still jumping between manic and severe depression, but I'm hanging in there. My doctor was talking about putting me back in the hospital, which I really don't think will help. I truly believe I am being tested to see how much I can take before going totally crazy. Last night there was a storm that blew part of my roof off, I blew out a tire today, and of course I'm broke and 6 days away from payday. I'm really am in a pretty good mood. I have been thinking I want a dog. I think that would be good to have a sweet little puppy, but I need to wait until I'm sure my mood is clear. Well I guess I am rambling so hope to see you all soon.

This & That

Well I'm still a bit manic, but at least I've had two nights sleep. Raine you hit it one the money ! My doctor tried Seroquel. She only wants me on it for a short time because it can cause you to want to want to eat more and give you a real "Sweet tooth" Like I don't already have that problem.

Today I went to see a credit counselor and he said I didn't make enough money for him to help. Now how sad is that? If it were not so sad I would be laughing my pants off. So I'm a little twisted. I guess that happens after two weeks of no sleep. The counselor did tell me of a program for cheaper food called "Angel Food". I think I'm going to give it a try. Every little bit helps when you on a tight budget. All thing considered I have been in a great mood. ANYTHING is better than depression!

My friend and I are talking about making a quilt for the homeless people. We have never done any thing like that before and thought it would be fun and a nice thing to do. Neither of us sew or quilt, but there is always a first time for everything.

Lack of sleep

It has now been a week with a total of 8 hours sleep for the the entire week. My doctor gave me ambien last night and I slept 4 of the 8 hours. I am so wide awake it is scary. I'm way past the "fun" stage. I guess they haven't quite got the meds right yet. At least I not depressed. :) "big happy face." The first few night I went out and did stuff,but I have been making my self stay in bed the last few days. Anyone have any sleep time suggestions?

Hospital

I just got out of the hospital after ten days. I had sever depression after a manic phase. They did some medication adjustment and I'm feeling better. The medicine is making a bit tired however. I'll try to get around to everyone blog and catch up on what has been happening soon. Missed everybody.

Frozen by Depression & Fear

Doing the simplest things are becoming almost impossible for me to do. I'm so depressed I get a panic attack just going into the next room. I'm having flashbacks really bad. I see my doctor and therapist both on Thursday. I put a call in to my doctor today because the attacks and flashbacks where so bad,but I did not get a call back. I hope tomorrow is better. I'm sorry I haven't been around to many blogs.

Looking For Information

I'm on permanent disability and my Medicare goes into effect December 1, 2008. I am on a lot of expensive medications. I in fact I will reach the " doughnut hole" the first month I am on Medicare. The major problem is my monthly medications cost more than my disability check. I am told I make to much money to get state assistance. Has anyone else ran into this type of problem or know of any type of programs to help?

Not Sleeping Again

Last night I didn't sleep at all. I hoping this isn't the beginning of another manic episode,because I crashed so hard after the last one. I did a rough sketch for my next painting. It's going to be a park scene. I now have to pick up a few more tubes of paint after I get paid. (lol) See I can't be manic right now I have no money and I given my credit card to my son to hold on to for a few days. I can't believe I am actually looking forward to therapy. My thoughts are jumping all over the place, so I'll write later when I'm less scattered.

New Therapist

I finally got in to see my new therapist today. I have already had to make a contract with her not to quit if things become uncomfortable, because she would back off and work on some thing else for a while. Just from the basic interview questions she said we had a "plate full" to work on. She had to work me in on a lunch hour next time to get me in as soon as she wanted to see me back, and that impressed me. I booked up with her ever two weeks through October now. I did tell her about the flash backs and the lost block of time and they were not related to drinking in any way. She seemed interested. Maybe this is going to work. I told her I really needed some extra support right now and she agreed. I am hopeful this is the right step. I am trying to work on my problems,so that can't be all bad.

Questions about Birthdays

Why are birthday so hard if you have been abused? My oldest child and I share the same birthday tomorrow and I can not get excited about it. I just get this sick feeling in my stomach a lot of bad memories. Having my child on my birthday was a wonderful memory. At the time I did not know I was married to a pedophile. It was much later that I found out I had married my worst nightmare.( He is now serving 50 years in prison and was my X at the time we found out.) I have hear others say that their birthdays are hard. Is it because we were not wanted? Is it remembering bad days on our birthdays? Is it just the lack of love we felt? Does anyone know what makes birthdays so bad?

My Sister

My sister isn't going to get to come and visit because she got some bad news on her medical report. My sister is 4 years younger than I am and has some serious health issues. She just found out she has 4th stage renal disease. She is getting set up with a specialist to see what type of treatment plan she will need to be on and the prognosis. She is so young to be so sick. My sister has always been my memory to my past. She lived with my Grandmother instead of my Mom and Step dad. All of us kids have some kind of problems from our past. It just seems unfair that health has to be another problem. Please pray that the renal disease is still treatable. This could be very very serious.

Thank You

Well I'm feeling better now. I don't know if it was because I was trying to stretch my mood stabilizers until I got paid or what caused this depression to be so bad. Anyway I'm back on the correct dosage of medicine and am feeling much better. I do want to thank all the kind words of encouragement and prayers. I don't think I'll be trying something that stupid again in the near future. It is not unusual for me to have a period of depression after a manic episode, but this one was way out of control. Today is the first day without tears. Yeah! I did decide not to go to a church member funeral today,because I thought it might be pushing myself too much. I did not know her real well so I thought it would be better to take care of myself. I also got a call from my doctor saying some of my lab work was really off, which could have also have made the depression worst. Stacy was wanting us to come up with something funny or happy, since I can't think of anything funny,so here is my happy news. I lost 69 lbs:)

I'M OK

JUST TO LET EVERYONE KNOW I OK. I TRY TO WRITE MORE TOMORROW.

Interrupted

Earlier this evening as I set holding a bottle of pills in my hand and my phone range. I didn't pick it up then my cell rang which interrupted what I was thinking of doing. It was a friend, she knew I was depressed, but I don't think she knew how depressed I was. I had been crying and thinking I just could not take it any longer. After talking to her I realized that I could not let him win. I am just so tired of feeling so sad. I'm tired of the flashbacks and the body memories. I'm hoping the therapist I see on August 7,2008 will help. I feel if I can not get some of this out I'm going to die. I am trying some of the tips from Dr Deb post on flashbacks. Trying to keep grounded is the hardest. My son doesn't understand this at all, which makes me feel bad. I'm so depressed I don't feel like doing anything.

Daddy's Home "Triggering"

When Daddy came home, I pulled my blanket to my chin. I shut my eyes tight to look like I am asleep.But then he would close the door behind him. The touch he brought was oh so rough and
caused great pain. I tried to make it all go away. I begged Daddy please stop, it hurts I cried. He would keep going until he was satisfied Not hearing my cries or seeing my pain. He only cared his needs were met. Not that my life will now forever be changed. " the littles"

Manic Trip

Being manic can sure get you in trouble, but can also be fun if you don't go broke. I have a friend that is very bad for me when I manic, because she has money and I don't. Any way we took off on a 8 hour drive to Grace Land to see where the King had lived. We walked, talked, ate, and did every thing but sleep. No she is not bi-polar, but I kept her awake. The next day we go to the strip and gamble. Big mistake. Should not be there when you are manic. My feet are not even close to touching the earth. Drinks were free,but I only had one,but I was acting totally silly.My mouth was running a 100 miles per hour, so again we had little sleep. Beside that we got lost finding the motel . Day 3 was a repeat of day 2, I am still wired and can not sleep. We have a 8 hour drive the next day. We got home safely. I don't think she wants to take me any where else when I'm manic ever again. She slept 12 the next day and has had to take a nap ever day since the trip. I am finally not manic and I am hoping I don't have a major depression coming around the corner. Yes I did spend too much money.

Picture for my Bedroom

TRIGGER WARNING

Broken No More

I was just a little girl of four,
When my daddy started coming to my door.
He said his touch was a special treat,
For his girl innocent and sweet.

I learned to cry myself to sleep.
The pain I felt was far to deep.
The room felt oh so dark and cold.
Oh the damage to my soul.

I learned the rules and played the game.
My life would never be the same.
The hate I felt, I turned within.
This was all because of his sin.

The walls I built turned my heart to stone.
No one could see I was all alone.
I never learned to laugh and play.
I only learned to run away.

Jesus looked down and saw my pain.
He wants to rid me of my shame.
He saw the beauty hidden within.
Jesus is putting me back together again.

Today I was working on a painting for my bedroom. Just some pretty flowers that match my Victorian room and I started thinking about my heart real desire to some how get the message out to prevent child abuse. I'm thinking about trying to put this poem on canvas. The horror the molested and abused child feels. Words can not real show the fear the child feels. Only an abused child's eyes can see this horror. I'm not sure I am strong enough to do this,but I have a real strong feeling about it. I feel I really must let this child speak on canvas.

I haven't been feeling well so I haven't written in a while. I had a flare up of the lupus symptoms and have been in a lot of pain. I doing better now. I pick up a few more art supplies for my next project. As soon as I can use my hands again I'll start on my next piece. My mood has been more stable, but when I said that this morning my son had a big belly laugh. He said he never seen anyone change as quickly from one mood to the next as I do. WELL!!!! I guess he told me! Hopefully I feel better next week and can do more.

Light in Darkness

Art Class

I've have been thinking about possibly taking a course in oil painting here are two of my paintings. Do you think it is some thing I might try or should I just keep painting on my own and see where it goes?

Unexpected Acts Of Kindness

After a long period of rough times one of the best feelings is to have a series of unexpected acts of kindness to happen all in the same day. To get a hug from a friend, to receive a phone call telling you that you are not alone, to receive a unexpected gift, an e-mail from a friend you hadn't heard from in along time, and last but not least encouragement from your blogging friends. This was a day I needed. I cried,laughed,and went to sleep in peace.

My Sister Is Coming

My 1/2 sister is coming on the 22nd and I am having emotion from one end of the spectrum to the other. I'm very busy doing all the things you do when you have out of town guest coming. Deep cleaning the house and trying to plan so every thing will be perfect. But on the other hand I'm having apprehensive thoughts about the past. When I was very young I started having 'black outs" with "lost periods of time". At 18 I had a complete break down, was put in the hospital, wiped out my past, and then left home. I soon married believing I was a virgin and we tried for several years to get pregnant. I was told my internal organ were messed up and I might never have children,but I got pregnant. After the birth of my child I start having frequent "blackouts" and "waking nightmares". I was placed in a mental hospital and diagnosed with PTSD with dissociation. I called my sister who could not believe I did not remember the repeated rapes by my step dad. So you see I am worried about stirring up the memories. My step dad was cruel as well as sexually abusive. All of my family suffer today from his abuse from years gone by in one way or another.

Hope

I saw my doctor today and she insisted that I see a therapist that specializes in PTSD who also has a background with Eating Disorders. I can't get in to see her until August 7th, but I think this might really help.(I'm on her cancellation list for a sooner appointment) I have to see the doctor again in two week. She has added Xanax routinely every day and a BP medicine at night,which is to help with the nightmares. My doctor also told me to call her if I needed to be seen sooner and she would work me in. All in all I feel I have a safety net now,

Dark Memories

Dark memories still fill my mind each day,
Like the fog in the damp and the cold.
They take me to dark places,
How can memories be so bold?

I try to fight these memories of old,
By puling my blanket over my head.
I know when they take me,
I will tremble in fear and dread.

How these memories from so long ago,
Still trouble me so deeply, even my soul?
Only a child then, these memories still have a hold.
To take me to dark places no one should go.

I try to rewrite new memories each day.
I look for new joy in all the good thing that I see.
But at night in the darkness, these memories try to stay.
Someday these dark memories,will have no hold over me. Wanda Arthington

SAFE

I just want to let everyone know I am safe. Still in pain, but safe. Thank you for your kindness and prayers.

TRIGGER WARNING

I'm falling apart right now. I'm having frequent flashbacks, feeling of wanting to harm myself and I can't stop crying. I'm in physical pain.My support system has collapsed.Oh God I wish this would just stop. I see my doctor on the 3rd. I hope I can hold on that long. If I would call the clinic tonight they would send the police to have me admitted and I can't afford that.I am going to find a safe place and hold my teddy bear until these feelings pass.

Flashback

"trigger warning" My sister coming to visit has trigger some memories and causes me to have some dreams and now a feeling flashback. My sister helped me remember a lot of my lost childhood memories. The flashback hit me fast last night.So fast I could not get any one for help. Curled up in a fetal position I felt his cold rough hands pulling my hands and legs away from my body. A sharp sting cross my face as the taste of blood fills my mouth. Again I feel his rough hands pulling on my pj bottoms.I pull back and hang on to them tightly until I feel another burning slap on my mouth and more bloody taste fills mouth. I shut my eyes and leave. Kicking and screaming a small voice fights his tightening grip. Then the pain down there. So much pain. Sobbing and praying this would end. Icky hot stuff all over my leg as he moans and groans. It didn't happen. Sobbing and shaking mes knows it happened again.

Five Positive Things

1. My doctor saved me $55.00 by giving me sample antibiotics for my upper respiratory infection.
2. My little sister called last night and she is coming to visit me for 5 days in July. It's been 4 years since we seen each other.(jumping for joy!)
3. My car is running good for the first time in over a year.
4. I didn't get any bills in the mail today.
5. My son has been very helpful today since I haven't felt well.
   

I'm Angry

I am so angry I can hardly stand it. What has got me so upset? My loss of control over my life. Eighteen months ago I became so sick I could no longer work. At that time I was diagnosed with connective tissue disease (an autoimmune disease similar to lupus). I have had PTSD with dissociation since I was a teenager and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in my early 20's. I was able to work with a few hospital admits ,but I had a good job working as a supervisor and making good money. I was a single mother raising two special needs children. Now I am praying I make it from pay day to pay day.OVER ONE HALF of what I earn from SSD goes to medical bills. (drugs and insurance) They say I make too much money to get help from the state with my medical bills. I don't see why we can't get food stamps or something. I've been crying all day because my oldest child ask me for some money for her electric bill and I didn't have any thing to give her. something has to be done to help those that fall between the cracks, You shouldn't have to chose between electric, medicine or food. IT'S WRONG!!!!!!!!

LAZY

I'm feeling a bit lazy today. Finally got my car back from the shop, so I had to do some grocery shopping. We were out of everything and I can't live without my diet coke. The car cost more than the tax rebate check so we really got to pinch our pennies for the rest of the month (not like that is something that is real new in this house any way:). There has been so much rain and it has been hot. My allergies are killing me. All I do is cough and it is so hard to breath with my asthma. I just love being so healthy. Oh boy it almost time for dinner. Another weight watcher frozen dinner. Yum. maybe in six more month I will have reached my goal.

WHY

Why do some daddy hurt little girls? Wendy

Tax Rebate Check

Well it seems my tax rebate check came in the mail just in time to repair my car. My car is jumping like a rabbit in heat at every stop light. I think the idle is messed up. I'm hoping to find an honest person to work on the car. The air conditioner is also cutting off and on and with this hot weather that has got to be fixed also. I just thank God the check came so I can get the repairs done. (Hopefully it's enough to cover the cost!) Just kiss that money good bye:)

Ugh

It's raining, the house is clean, I'm broke, there's no gas in the car , and I'm MANIC!

Isolation

I'm not sure how to over come the isolation I feel in my church since we have a new pastor. The minister of music is great, but I just don't feel like I belong anymore. I had requested the pastor call me three times and he never called. I missed several weeks and seem nobody cares.It used to be such a caring place. It makes me so sad. I talked with my good fried PK and she feels something is wrong too. I know I am a person with needs,but church is somewhere you should be able to get your need met. Am I wrong for feeling this way?

Child Within

My child with in is hurting badly right now and needs to say some things. I usually don't let her talk, but she helped me when thing where so bad when I was a child and she need to speak now. I have PTSD and Bipolar both are very real and affect my life daily. She holds hidden memories that I'm not strong enough to face. She is my friend.
Hi, my name is Wendy(shuffle feet).The nice doctor wasn't nice. He played a joke on us. He said he care,but did not. He was like daddy. He makes me cry inside. Wanda doesn't believe it. I know he was not nice. I wish Wanda would listen to me. I can tell when some one is going to hurt you . I want to have fun to but you can not trust big men. THEY HURT YOU

I wonder how much the connective tissue disease is is effecting my bipolar disorder. I feel I am come down hard from my manic state,but I'm in so much pain I can barely walk. I have the face and arm rash going on. I'm so depressed now it's terrible. It happens so fast also. I'll try to check in on every one soon . I think of you all a lot.

Honest

I guess I'm just too trusting. I was at a department store yesterday and a clerk told me the price of my bill which I paid in cash. I did not look at the ticket and she charged me $20.00 extra. and pocketed the money. Of course I did not catch it till I got home. I even had a friend with me that heard the clerk do it, but the store would not believe me. It not that $20.00 is a lot of money,but it is just wrong. I live on a fixed income and even if I had lots of money stealing is just something I can't believe someone would do. I guess I'm the biggest goose for being so trusting of people! Lesson learned.

WHY CAN'T I BE NORMAL?????

Why do I have to be crazy wild without sleep or some kind of spending spree or in some one face or so low I can't lift my head up??? I just feel like crying my eyes out. I want to talk with some one. I am so lonely. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

HOPE

This has really been a rough year for me. So many changes, so many loses, so many tears. I have had to see people I really loved and cared about leave. I have had to stop working due to increased health problems. I have had to try to adjust to living on disability. I have found out that you can't trust some people just because they have a title and are suppose to have your best interest at heart. My faith has been shaken but not broken. My heart wounded, but still is beating on. I live through my past, so I will make it now. I know that everything will work out if I continue to do my part and not give up. I am so thankful for all the support everyone gives me.

OH WHAT FUN WE HAD!

What a few weeks I have had! I did see my Psychiatrist that started me on Tegretol in addition to my Geodon. It did finally stop the manic episode that lasted 9 days. Unfortunately I had a severe reaction to the medication after about 10 days. Hives, blisters and breathing problems. In fact I still have some of the blisters and looks like burns on my skin from the reaction even though I have been on large amount of steroids (which is already starting the hypo mania again!) Needless to say off the Tegretol and up the Geodon. Anyway I doing a bit better for a little while. We will see what happens next. Thanks for checking in on me!

I've been awake for three nights in a row. I'm making terrible decisions. I finally asked my son to keep me in the house so I won't do any thing crazy! My son say I'm too emo right now. I am so hyper my skin is crawling! I hate it when I'm like this. I really do a piss poor job with my money and always get into some type of trouble. If this continues another day I'm going to call my psychiatrist. ANY suggestions to come down from this?

Been out of the loop

I have been out of the loop for a while. My life has been turn upside down and I am trying to put things back in some kind of order. Some good news is I have lost 40 lbs which will help my joint and walking. I having some trouble with the fact that my former psychiatrist lost his licence for being inappropriate with some female patients. My problem is, I don't know what is inappropriate touch for a doctor and a patient. I really liked him and fully trusted him,

Asking for HELP

I've been struggling for some time now and I am exhausted mentally and physically. So much has happen that I just can not pull myself together. I have e-mailed a few people asking for help,but have not received any answers. I feel my life is totally out of control and I don't know where to turn. My new doctor has been really changing my meds around. My mood swings are now rapid and drastic. Can anyone help me understand what is going on and if this is going to get better? Please give me some hope.