Friday, October 29, 2010
I Don't Know If I Can Do It
Sometimes I just don't know if I can do it. I have chronic physical pain. It hurts to move, to sit, to stand, or even to be touched. My rheumatologist gives me as many pain pills as I need a month, but I hate taking them all the time. I'm also on other medicine for the disorder, but it is a chronic autoimmune disease, so basically you have to just live with it.
On top of this is the depression which I lived with since I was 12 years old. I do think the Abilify maybe helping. I have only been on it for a couple of weeks, but it might just be the "drug of choice" for me. The only problem is the copay for it is $64.00 and that is quite a bit when you take as many medications as I do.(Plus I'm on a fixed income-disability) I am afraid of my own thoughts. I have a fear that I will someday die at my own hand, because the emotional and physical pain is so bad. Most of the time I think I do a "fair job" of controlling my impulses. I guess being bipolar doesn't help much. I believe if I would just die I would go to heaven, but for some reason I am still alive. Maybe the reason I'm still alive is for my precious daughter. She lives so far away from me, but we have a great relationship. We talk to each other almost everyday. She has been though so much in her life I wish I had a magic wand to take way all her pain. I would make the world right. Hate would be gone. No abuse. I still believe love is the greatest healer.
I am tired all the time. Simple things like cleaning my house has to be done in small little steps and rest between "jobs". I may wake up with such good intentions, but I am still trying. I look at people that are much older than myself and I can not even begin to keep up with them. Maybe someday this will all make sense or maybe it just won't matter. Hope everyone has a great weekend.