Friday, October 29, 2010

I Don't Know If I Can Do It

Sometimes I just don't know if I can do it. I have chronic physical pain. It hurts to move, to sit, to stand, or even to be touched. My rheumatologist gives me as many pain pills as I need a month, but I hate taking them all the time. I'm also on other medicine for the disorder, but it is a chronic autoimmune disease, so basically you have to just live with it.

On top of this is the depression which I lived with since I was 12 years old. I do think the Abilify maybe helping. I have only been on it for a couple of weeks, but it might just be the "drug of choice" for me. The only problem is the copay for it is $64.00 and that is quite a bit when you take as many medications as I do.(Plus I'm on a fixed income-disability) I am afraid of my own thoughts. I have a fear that I will someday die at my own hand, because the emotional and physical pain is so bad. Most of the time I think I do a "fair job" of controlling my impulses. I guess being bipolar doesn't help much. I believe if I would just die I would go to heaven, but for some reason I am still alive. Maybe the reason I'm still alive is for my precious daughter. She lives so far away from me, but we have a great relationship. We talk to each other almost everyday. She has been though so much in her life I wish I had a magic wand to take way all her pain. I would make the world right. Hate would be gone. No abuse. I still believe love is the greatest healer.

I am tired all the time. Simple things like cleaning my house has to be done in small little steps and rest between "jobs". I may wake up with such good intentions, but I am still trying. I look at people that are much older than myself and I can not even begin to keep up with them. Maybe someday this will all make sense or maybe it just won't matter. Hope everyone has a great weekend.


Denise said...

Enjoy your weekend, asking God to give you rest and sweet peace.

Anonymous said...

I think the reason you're alive is because you have worked so hard. We are all born with a drive to preserve our lives. This is slightly morbid, but even people who know they are going to die do everything they can to delay it, even if death is inevitable. Depression and bipolar disorder (among other diseases) chip away at that innate will to live but it takes a lot to chisel it down to nothing. I know you've been through a lot, but I believe you are so strong and can stop these things from negatively affecting your life.

Wishing you well,

June_Butterfly said...

One day at a time,Wanda!!One person can only endure so much.But one thing great you have is a reason to live.Your daughter.Some people don't even have that much!

A weekend is always a good time to recharge!!Have a peaceful weekend!!

Just Be Real said...

Dear one here listening. Cannot say I am understanding, because we all experience our own pain differently and personally. But, He is here and I am here listening. Jesus certainly understands, there is no doubt about that.


Gaia said...

You need to constantly psyche yourself up. It is hard when your body does not permit you to do what your minds tells you too. Frustrating, but you need to be kind and don't batter yourself. Take it slow.. will be praying for you. Blessings.

Wonderingsoul said...

Dear Wanda,
I wish I had more to offer you than just words... and actually, I feel prety out of those too.
Please know that I am thinking of you. I so understand the agony of having to stay alive.
Virtual arms wrapped arund you Wanda.
I'm so sorry for the pain


OHN said...

You have already proven that you are a survivor. You are still here and still want to be *better*. That's your first step.

That's how you need to move forward....just one step at a time.