Thursday, October 21, 2010
Today I'm struggling with so many unresolved feelings. My therapist has had to cancel a couple of visits and I'm surprised about how lost that makes me feel. I'm keeping fairly busy so I don't have time to think too much. I want to become a healthy productive person. It just sometimes seems so far out of my reach. I see people smiling and enjoying life and wonder what it would be like to be joyful. I care for people and animals. I know I am a good person. I just really lack joy and happiness. I read so many stories about survivors that really seem to be happy. I wounder why nothing seems to help my depression. I read any uplifting thing I can get my hands on. I'm out there trying to help others. Am I just too broken to fix? I've seen God answer prayers, so I have to believe He cares. I know that I can make it today, so if it takes just one day at a time,so be it. I chose to continue to try to get better!
PS I just received a call from my daughter that Chris' computer that I sent her arrived in pieces. I am totally devastated!That computer was Chris' life and now it is destroyed by reckless handling of people who just didn't care. I insured the computer, but that doesn't take away the pain of losing his most treasure procession. I feel I have failed him again. I'm a nurse and I couldn't save him when he was dying. I don't think I can take much more pain. I guess I'm a real nut job right? My daughter has contacted UPS to see what they are going to do about it. I tried to talk to them, but I just couldn't stop crying.