Thursday, October 21, 2010

Broken




Today I'm struggling with so many unresolved feelings. My therapist has had to cancel a couple of visits and I'm surprised about how lost that makes me feel. I'm keeping fairly busy so I don't have time to think too much. I want to become a healthy productive person. It just sometimes seems so far out of my reach. I see people smiling and enjoying life and wonder what it would be like to be joyful. I care for people and animals. I know I am a good person. I just really lack joy and happiness. I read so many stories about survivors that really seem to be happy. I wounder why nothing seems to help my depression. I read any uplifting thing I can get my hands on. I'm out there trying to help others. Am I just too broken to fix? I've seen God answer prayers, so I have to believe He cares. I know that I can make it today, so if it takes just one day at a time,so be it. I chose to continue to try to get better!

PS I just received a call from my daughter that Chris' computer that I sent her arrived in pieces. I am totally devastated!That computer was Chris' life and now it is destroyed by reckless handling of people who just didn't care. I insured the computer, but that doesn't take away the pain of losing his most treasure procession. I feel I have failed him again. I'm a nurse and I couldn't save him when he was dying. I don't think I can take much more pain. I guess I'm a real nut job right? My daughter has contacted UPS to see what they are going to do about it. I tried to talk to them, but I just couldn't stop crying.

6 comments:

Just Be Real said...

Wanda dear so very sorry for your struggles and can only continue to pray for God's comfort for you. ((((Wanda))))

Mike Golch said...

as long as the hard drive is intact all of his info can be fecovered.Best buy or a company like that can help. also the local geek can do the job as well.

Ethereal Highway said...

It's okay to cry, Wanda. Your pain is real. I wish I could come give you a hug.

{{{{{{{{Wanda}}}}}}}}

NOS said...

Wanda, I'm glad you make the choice to continue to try and get better. I have 100% confidence that it will happen. Sometimes it's hard to remember that nothing lasts forever, including pain.

And I'm SO SORRY to hear about Chris's computer. It's awful that the handlers were so irresponsible. Maybe UPS will pay for someone to restore the hard drive? That would be the decent thing to do.

Wishing you well,
NOS

Sophia said...

Hang in there Wanda. Keep pushing forward. I know it's hard as I get those moments, too, but if you just lift your head a little and keep moving forward you will start to see a brigher light! :) Hugs.

Denise said...

Sending you much love and many prayers.