Monday, October 04, 2010

Death On My Mind

My blog is the only place I can say what I am really feeling. I have been trying to put up "a front" that everything is OK and I am getting better. Right now death is the only thing that seems to offer a hope of peace. I'm totally hopeless right now. I just can't see things ever being better. I saw my psychiatrist today and he increased my antidepressant. He also wants me to go to IOP (Intensive Out Patient Treatment). They meet daily. He feels I need more support than I am getting. I just don't know if it would do any good. I told him I was "safe" until I got some legal issues taken care of, because I won't leave a mess for my family. I know there are people that live with bipolar, PTSD, eating disorders,self harm, and grief and seem to have normal lives. What is wrong with me?? Why do I continue to sink into this sense of pure hopelessness? No matter how hard I try I just can not pull myself out of this. I hate being like this. I am trying, but it feels like I am just spinning my wheels.

7 comments:

NOS said...

Wanda, I think I know where you are and I want to tell you that you're not alone. Some of those thoughts that you wrote here could have come straight from my mouth. I don't know why some people can live with various disorders and have "normal" lives whereas others have more difficulty. I wish I knew their secret.

But I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to say what you're feeling. I wish I knew you "in real life" so we could comfort each other.

I'm also glad you're safe, at least for now. I worry, and want to see you okay. If you're ever not safe, all you have to do is email me or send me a comment and I will do anything I can to help.

I'm sorry you're feeling so low. (((Wanda)))

Wishing you well,
NOS

Ethereal Highway said...

{{{{{{{{Wanda}}}}}}}}

Gaia said...

Wanda, I know it is not easy. I never knew that I could lose control of my own faculties so easily.. I thot I was always unafraid and able to handle any situation. When perimenopause struck, I lost that control. Thus similarly with bipolar many things can happen. On top of that you lost your son, so it is hard. But I am together with all your blogging friends praying for you and like NOS said get in touch if you need someone to talk to. Bless you and take care Hugs.

Wonderingsoul said...

~I'm with you wanda. Knowing some of the despair.
Much love.

x

Denise said...

You are not alone, the Lord is with you. He is your true comfort. Please turn everything over to Him, do not give up. I love you.

Prayer Girl said...

All I can think to do is pray and tell you I love you whether you are doing well or not.

PG

RCUBEs said...

I'm praying that you, venting out here will lessen any doubts, any fears. May God's comfort, healing and strength cover you. Take care.