Monday, October 04, 2010
Death On My Mind
My blog is the only place I can say what I am really feeling. I have been trying to put up "a front" that everything is OK and I am getting better. Right now death is the only thing that seems to offer a hope of peace. I'm totally hopeless right now. I just can't see things ever being better. I saw my psychiatrist today and he increased my antidepressant. He also wants me to go to IOP (Intensive Out Patient Treatment). They meet daily. He feels I need more support than I am getting. I just don't know if it would do any good. I told him I was "safe" until I got some legal issues taken care of, because I won't leave a mess for my family. I know there are people that live with bipolar, PTSD, eating disorders,self harm, and grief and seem to have normal lives. What is wrong with me?? Why do I continue to sink into this sense of pure hopelessness? No matter how hard I try I just can not pull myself out of this. I hate being like this. I am trying, but it feels like I am just spinning my wheels.